The Upside Of Anxiety

In this talk and meditation, we explore the nature of anxiety, how to make it more manageable, and how to overcome it. Anxiety and fear are different: fear is visceral and intuitively accurate, whereas anxiety is almost entirely made up and mostly inaccurate. Managing anxiety is the key to relieving suffering.

Transcript

Today we're going to talk a little bit about the upside of anxiety. This is a topic that researchers have been exploring a lot lately because anxiety is so common in this day and age. Everybody seems to suffer from it to some degree or in some area. And first I want to explain a little bit the difference between fear versus anxiety. Fear is basically life preserving. When we feel genuine fear we can notice it in our bodies. That is when the hair on our arms stand up or when you have this very clear intuition that you are in actual danger. Like when you smell gas or smoke or when a truck comes at you with high speed. And there is no decision to be made. You just get away and get into safety. This is genuine fear and this is genuinely life preserving. Anxiety is kind of almost the opposite of it. Anxiety is always made up in the mind and 99% of anxiety ultimately turns out to be false. And at the core of the anxiety or underneath the anxiety there is almost always some kind of self limiting belief like I can't do this, I don't have the skills for this, It's too much, I'm not equipped to handle what I'm supposed to deal with. So this may not be conscious but it is kind of the underlying tape that actually generates the anxiety. And it can be very debilitating, It feels absolutely real even though it is made up through our thoughts and our thinking mind. And the presence of anxiety basically signals us that something needs attention. That some kind of belief or some kind of situation wants our attention so we can deal with it. One form of anxiety is also feeling overwhelmed and that is basically when the system, The emotional system starts to shut down. When the anxiety is getting so strong that we start to feel like no, This isn't happening, I can't really deal with this, I need to get away. I just don't have it in me to deal with it and that's when kind of the system starts to stall and everything shuts down. And you can't really do anything and that's sometimes at the base of feeling stuck. So good stress which is what we really want to talk about today is basically a mild or manageable amount of stress. It is something that doesn't feel debilitating, That's not so overwhelming that you have to shut down. Something like nervousness before performing, Like if you have agreed to play the piano in front of a whole bunch of family that might trigger some anxiety or some nervousness. But you also know that this is a crowd that is genuinely well meaning and that they will applaud you at the end no matter whether you make a mistake or not. So you will do it anyway and you just move through the anxiety and you have kind of a positive outlook that there is some kind of positive experience once you plow through that mild amount of stress. Because you know that you can and will overcome it. This kind of mild anxiety is good because the nervous system will notice. It will kind of understand, Okay this level of anxiety is manageable and it will kind of program the synapses and the neurotransmitters in a way that it provides you with some degree of confidence that you can stay with it and that you can move through it. Good anxiety is also good because we would otherwise become too comfortable or too bored. Most of us have that desire for safety and predictability and there is nothing wrong with that. But if it becomes too much of that, If the desire to be safety at all times kind of takes over, Then things can also become boring and we don't really expose ourselves to new things anymore. For example if we start learning a new skill, Like if you learn to play the piano or take a computer course, That might be anxiety provoking in the beginning. But if you stick with it and if you feel that it's manageable, Then you are rewarded with learning something new and you will come out of it feeling really satisfied and feeling really like, Okay I overcame this anxiety and I took something positive away from it. The same goes for meeting new people. That too can be anxiety provoking. But if we stick with it, If we get to know the person, If we develop a rapport, We have a new person in our lives and this can really enrich our life in general. Hi Elizabeth, Nice to see you here. So one way to approach this form of good stress is to reframe the word stress into the word challenge. Because stress always has this negative connotation of it's too much, I can't do it. Whereas challenge almost always comes in relationship to, Okay this is difficult but I can overcome it. And even though I know that I have certain limitations, They don't have to hold me back from accomplishing something. For example students often experience some kind of anxiety as motivating, That it feels like the anxiety or the stress is keeping them on their toes. It makes them want to prepare better for an exam or something they really want to look good for. Or when we have a job interview, The anxiety really motivates us to learn and to prepare in a way that we feel confident that we will make a good impression. In relationships, Having anxiety and being able to overcome it often means that we can have more empathy with the people around us who experience anxiety. Because other people's anxiety can be stressful as well. And if we know that okay I'm anxious too sometimes and what I need in this moment is empathy so maybe this person needs this as well. So that can really foster relationships and is also an incredibly important quality in leadership positions. So how does one overcome anxiety and maybe transform something that feels very stressful into something that becomes manageable? So in general one way to deal with anxiety of any kind is to learn to accept that there are moments of anxiety and it usually comes up in very predictable ways. You don't want to tell yourself the story I'm an anxious person because that then generates kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy that you kind of tell yourself oh I'm always anxious and it's hard. You rather want to be very specific to say okay I get anxious when I have to get into the car because of some experience you may have had in the past. Or I get anxious when I talk to this particular person. So to be very specific about your anxiety and then also to try to embrace it to accept okay that's just that's just what happens I get anxious in this situation and I'm working to deal with it. What you don't want to do it is suppress anxiety because when we suppress it it kind of just starts to build in the nervous system and we don't really feel or process it. And then it comes out in anxiety attacks or panic attacks that's what panic attacks are is basically anxiety that is chronically suppressed and then almost violently comes to the surface in ways that we can't control it. Mild anxiety is manageable and controllable. Panic attacks are much less so but they too can become manageable. So one way to introduce or to manifest a level of good stress for example, Is when you suffer from social anxiety, Which is very common. So for example you feel like I'm invited to this party and I know that I don't really know anybody. And that brings up so much anxiety I just don't even want to go. So that may be too stressful to even tackle it. So you may just not even want to deal with it and you kind of shut down. But what you can do is for example invite a friend along somebody you know and you trust, And then you'll go to that party together and you know that you can always talk to your friend or maybe they will introduce you to other people. Or you can go home together if you don't like it anymore. So that can be a level of good stress because you have support. You know that you can manage the stress with the help of somebody else. And if you end up going to the party with your friend and you end up having fun and meeting new people, That's the reward that you then take away from this experience. And that is what builds confidence and that is what makes an initially debilitating anxiety into more manageable anxiety. And it may even go away at some point. Yeah, Mel C is writing that her anxiety isn't particularly manageable at this point. And that's okay too. The key is always to try to accept, Okay, I'm in a place right now where I'm just too anxious to really feel that it's easy for me to manage things or to calm down easily. So the acceptance kind of takes the pressure off the system because we all have this inner critic that tells us what's wrong with you, Why do I feel this way, Why can't I feel calmer. So once we can develop some degree of acceptance, The inner critic is sidelined or soothed and that takes the pressure off everything. And that really is what enables it most dramatically to calm down. Anxiety from illness, How to handle that. Yeah, That's a very common occurrence that when there's physical illness, There's often anxiety about what does this mean, How can I get better, What is the path to health. So that too, The first step is to try to accept, Okay, Of course there's anxiety because illness by itself is stressful. And the emotional, Your emotional body has a response to that. So to have empathy with yourself, To say, Okay, Of course there's anxiety because I'm going through a stressful event. And when you have empathy with yourself, Things calm down. It is that inner critic that puts pressure on everything. And when we can have empathy with our own situation, That is really the first step for the system to relax and to do breathing exercises or meditations or go for a walk. And I personally, My go-to place is always going outside if it doesn't storm or hail, As long as it's not intolerable being outside around trees and water and winds. Even if you're in a big city, Even if you just look at a tree or go to a park, Nature is inherently calming to our system. Yeah, Barb is saying that she's actually sitting outside because it's so beautiful. That's exactly the way to go. That's what I do it and I find it extremely helpful. So everybody suffers from some degree of anxiety. I personally suffer from climate anxiety, Which is a very overwhelming thing to even address. But even there, The path is through acceptance to learn to accept, Okay, We are going to head towards a warmer climate or towards more unpredictable weather events. That is something that we can adapt to. Human beings are an incredibly adaptable species and we have done this again and again and again throughout our long history. And we will be able to adapt to this event at all to this event as well. So this brings us to our meditation. If you have comments or questions, Please feel free to put them in the chat. Mel C comments, I suffer from what if anxiety and struggle to get perspective. I'm feeling guilty as I have so much to be grateful for. Yes. Thank you for sharing that Mel C. And if anyone wants to respond to that, Please do. So important to be seen and heard by each other. Yeah, That guilty part is what makes it harder to manage the other anxiety, The what if anxiety. So whenever there is this kind of guilt or shame or criticism that kind of puts more pressure on top of the anxiety, That's when everything gets worse. So we have to address that overarching criticism that we have. And that is addressed by empathy, By being empathic with yourself. And once the guilt or the criticism is is toned down and isn't as strong anymore, Then you can address the anxiety and tell yourself, OK, I have this part of me that keeps asking me, Well, What if? But that's a part that is kind of trying to protect you in some weird way. It wants to protect you from getting sidelined or overwhelmed by coming up with all kinds of worst case scenarios. So the initial attempt of these kind of what ifs parts is actually positive, Even though it doesn't feel this way, But it's trying to prevent you from getting overwhelmed. So you can say to this part, OK, My what if part, I can see you. I know you're here. I know you just want to protect me, But I kind of I kind of got this. I don't really need any kind of pressure or doubt from you. So you can just kind of sit down over the air and not talk so loudly because I'm OK. I know how to and I will know how to deal with this. Yes, Ursula is sharing her fear about the war, And that is most certainly to a very anxiety provoking event. One thing to tackle anxiety is also just to gauge. Do I have control over what I'm afraid of? Because so often, Especially with things we learn from the media, We have zero control over. So when we worry about things that we can't control, We expend a lot of energy that doesn't really have anywhere to go and doesn't really serve anyone. So it's OK to try to tune that out. I have stopped almost stopped watching the news right now because other than donating money or, You know, Reassuring people who I know personally who have family members in the Ukraine or Russia, Beyond that, I can't do anything and I'm glad I can do this much, But I'm going to have to separate myself from the thoughts or the pressure to be able to do more because I can't. So this brings us to our meditation. So I invite you to get into a relaxed position. Close your eyes. And begin to breathe deeply. Breathing deeply automatically calms the nervous system. And when the nervous system calms down, The thoughts and the mind begin to calm down as well. Now deepen your breath a little more. And I invite you to think of a situation that typically causes anxiety. Where in your body do you notice anxiety or discomfort? And how strong is that discomfort on a scale from one to ten, One being minor? And breathe into this part of your body that is tense. If any kind of guilt or criticism inside comes up, Tell this part that you can see them, That you know they're just trying to protect you, But that you just need them to take a seat away from you so you can focus on calming yourself. And now imagine what would have to happen to soothe this anxiety. What kind of support is needed to make it more tolerable, To make it manageable? Now imagine a circle of beings coming to your help and surrounding you. Beings that are benevolent and that you know that you can count on, Can be animals or people alive or deceased, Can be a tree or a body of water. And now imagine a circle of beings coming to your help and surrounding you. And imagine that you're taking in their calm energy, The stillness of nature, The support that they are extending towards you, The reassurance that they are providing. And really take in the soothing energy. Imagine that you're breathing in calmness, Support and love, Encouragement and reassurance. And imagine that you're breathing out tension and discomfort. Breathing in calm and support. Breathing out tension. And now imagine that you are experiencing the anxiety provoking event you imagined in the beginning with that support. That their calm and support enables you to stay there, To face your fears and anxieties. And imagine how you would feel differently with them around their energy supporting you. How would you relate differently to the people in that scenario? How is your body language different? And what would the outcome be? Now check in with your body. Notice how strong the tension is now compared to the beginning. And slowly open your eyes.