Healing Anger & Resentment

Ancient cultures deal with anger in a productive, non-blaming way: they use movement and communal settings to process the grief that lies at the heart of most of our frustration and anger without harming one another. In our culture, we are often shamed and blamed for these emotions. You will learn about how to approach annoyance, frustration, anger, chronic rage, and resentment, and how to manage and heal these emotions.

Transcript

The topic today is anger and resentment which everybody feels at some point.

Sometimes there is the belief that we shouldn't be angry or we shouldn't be resentful but it is a human emotion,

It is normal.

Every single person feels it at some point.

In different shades maybe some people are irritated or annoyed.

Sometimes it is frustration or anger and sometimes it is rage or chronic resentment.

All these feelings have the same energy in different volumes.

There have been many different approaches to how to deal with anger and religion,

Religious thought is one of the sources we traditionally often go to to try to figure out how to deal with these feelings.

They very often will make the case for compassion,

That we should be compassionate with the people who are angry.

Maybe that is something to strive for eventually but it doesn't really help to release the anger and it usually just results in feeling bad that we do have anger at all.

So these black and white solutions of we should just get rid of it or should suppress it don't work because it backfires at some point.

And when we are told that we shouldn't be angry or we shouldn't vent our frustration that leads to suppressing it,

That we kind of try to do away with it even though it is there.

That then leads to depression because we feel like we are doing something wrong and we have feelings that we are not supposed to have.

And this inner critic that everybody has is kind of getting out of control and scolding us for having these feelings in the first place.

And when we suppress anger that really leads to chronic resentment or to rage which are the more problematic or oversized expressions of this feeling.

Suppressing anger also undermines creativity because in healthy doses anger also is very invigorating and can also be very passionate.

But there is a lot of distinctions in terms of what's productive and what's not productive.

I myself have very little anger.

I get angry very rarely but when I do it's kind of a short temper kind of thing.

It comes up really fast but then it goes away just as fast.

And it sometimes has to do with truth telling that I feel like I can't really be clear and up for and forthright about the feelings that I have.

But once I do feel that okay I have clarity about what I think and what I need and it is expressed with anger.

There's often a lot of truth telling in that.

That's something that needs to be said and needs to be processed.

One common belief is that anger in women is ugly and that this ugliness translate into translates into worthlessness.

That we feel that oh I can't get I can't get angry or frustrated because then I'm not being deemed a valuable person.

I don't have myself under control and it leads to constant self criticism.

Female politicians often don't get to the top or female politicians really are often blamed for being angry or for being assertive.

And then they some of them will relent and not really rise to the top because of that blame and criticism.

And when women are angry they're often called hysterical or one is called a crazy girlfriend.

And there is a passage in the Bible that says it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.

So this form of misogyny is part of the patriarchal system that women are not supposed to be angry and always docile and compassionate.

And that leads to this internalized criticism that we shouldn't be angry.

In men often anger is tolerated because it is linked to healthy assertiveness or righteous anger.

And when that gets exaggerated when when that anger remains uncontrolled or unprocessed or unresolved it can lead to violence and it can lead to domestic violence which in return leaves women afraid and stuck and unable to get out of that situation.

So but what is healthy anger right?

Suppressing it doesn't work and hanging on to it or spewing it in an uncontrolled way isn't healthy either because it leads to fractured relationships and even to illness.

Balanced anger can lead to assertiveness and to a passionate stance for something.

But when we suppress it these feelings result in bitterness,

Hatred,

Revenge,

Spite and these other destructive expressions of anger.

I believe that when we are frustrated that we should verbalize or process this frustration as soon as possible before it can build up into something unhealthy or rageful or resentful.

Resentment is a form of anger that we cannot let go of.

It keeps festering and is never fully processed or released.

So if we can make a request for example to a partner something like you know if they don't pay attention because they are on the phone for example that can lead to frustration.

So rather than releasing it and saying what the fuck you know why are you always on your phone to try to frame it into a request and saying look when you're always on your phone I feel like we can't connect and I really don't like that.

So when the frustration is still manageable and is kind of spontaneous it's much easier to frame in a request than that it becomes something toxic or cannot be heard by the other person.

But sometimes expressing frustration isn't possible because you know it's maybe a colleague or a boss and being frustrated at work is not a tolerated feeling.

And sometimes we don't feel safe expressing anger towards another person because they come back with hatred or some kind of punitive measure.

So if we don't feel that we can actually verbalize our anger towards another person it's important to release it for yourself to not suppress it but to release it through writing or tell someone else about it who we trust that they can hear it.

Shouting in the woods is always a good way to do it but also movement and that's something we will talk about later.

Economic resentment which often women carry around because we learn to suppress anger too must be released and forgiven and often that forgiveness is about ourselves that we have to forgive ourselves for being angry or for having released anger in the past.

And then when it's about another person we can talk to them and we can process this anger or this emotion with them.

But when you feel like you have to release the anger by yourself you can't talk about it because it's not safe.

It's important to find the right time to acknowledge it to say okay I'm ready to let this go because if you push yourself to let it go before you're ready it just contributes to the resentment.

So when you're if you're not ready just acknowledge it I need some more time I need some more time to write about it to understand it better to talk to someone about it and when at one point you're ready to let go or to release then really dedicate some time to actually do it in a constructive way meaning one of the tools I mentioned with writing shouting in the woods movement or talking to somebody who you trust.

When there's rage when there's rage underneath what we need to express that is often related to past trauma something that was done to you when you're in a powerless position and it feels very burdensome to carry around rage and it must be released in a safe space.

This kind of anger where there is trauma underneath I believe that there's a lot of grief and sadness under the anger underneath the rage and I have come to believe that this kind of many traumatic experiences have to do with a lack of attention.

Attention equals love and attention also means that you are heard or seen and attention also means that something is remedied that was done wrong.

So for example if you were passed over for a promotion but the beer boss can acknowledge look I know that you really deserve it but for this and that reason I can't give you the promotion at least you get the acknowledgement meaning the attention and then the rage often remains contained but when there is no attention when there is no acknowledgement that's what really contributes or even causes that anger and that is the same with relationships that we feel ignored or not considered in relationships.

It happens in kind of a banal example like being cut off in traffic that somebody doesn't see us right does not pay attention or doesn't care to pay attention and even in people who intrude into our space so which is commonly called the boundary violation that that too is a form of not being paid attention to our needs because we need to navigate the space differently.

So I'm starting to believe that a lot of anger has to do with attention and the lack thereof and that is a loss that must be grieved.

Loss is usually underneath of anger loss or lack of consideration is one of the big sources of anger and frustration and that's where we come to ancient cultures which is what I want to refer to today.

I'm learning a lot about the San people S-A-N people in the African Kalahari Desert.

Their culture much of their culture has been preserved they've been around for more than one hundred fifty thousand years and it is believed that all of humanity has arisen in this area that all races and all ethnicities have originated there and that we all carry traces of their DNA in our bodies and this culture who has much of their customs and traditions that they still are around is all about paying attention to each other and by paying attention to each other they are promoting maybe the most important peacekeeping tool there is.

The anthropologist Elizabeth Marshall Thomas writes in a book about them they are all about focusing on keeping the peace.

It is the San culture S-A-N in southern Africa.

They live in and around the Kalahari Desert in different countries which is probably why the colonization hasn't really taken foot as much as in other cultures and the San people know perfectly well that anger is a part of human of being human but they take great effort to control any untamed outburst of it and they take great effort not to blame anybody else because they know that everybody influences everybody else at all times so as soon as somebody else gets angry that means that there's a reason for that usually a lack of attention and consideration and then it spreads throughout the entire community and we can choose how we want to respond to this and when it isn't taken care of and nobody feels responsible to really pay attention to it then the entire community is held responsible.

So they don't blame a single person for enacting what may have gone wrong in the entire community and that is very different from what we do because we always blame and attack or attack or attack ourselves in the process.

So their main tool of mitigating and soothing aggression is about anger prevention and there is very little violence in this culture and the way they pay attention to each other is by sitting around the fire every night listening to every single person's story of the day.

There's no criticism or inappropriate feedback to these stories and everyone pays attention so these tribes are organized in numbers up to 50 people so imagine you sit around the fire and you share your day and everybody pays attention to you in a well-meaning welcoming way and that form of attention is very healing in itself.

So when so much attention is paid to every single person every single day it keeps the peace and there is only so much aggression that arises on the outskirts of these cultures but the bush people too are human and they do get jealous and grumpy and when that happens some of the elders will organize what is called a trance dance and sometimes that happens multiple times a week so something happens in the tribe and then a dance must be organized in order to meet these feelings and that is when the people come to the fire and the elders instigate a dance like that.

It is understood that there lies grief and sadness underneath this kind of anger and resentment and this grief is released by clapping,

By singing,

By shaking or moving,

By dancing and moving the entire body.

Some people will shout their anger into the night sky for it to be released without harming another person.

Everyone understands that getting mad at each other disrupts the connection that they cherish as their highest good so that is their secret to prevent negativity before it can even arise and when it does arise to shake it move it out of the body.

So before we get to our meditation are there any questions,

Comments?

You are always welcome to put your thoughts into the chat or you can also ask a question after the meditation.

Thank you Annette.

So I invite you to get into a relaxed position.

Techniques to keep anger at bay.

Well thank you peace I love your name.

Keeping anger at bay is,

Thank you you are welcome Elizabeth,

Is all about releasing it when it arises when you can talk to someone about it in a contained way.

Talk about it and if it doesn't feel safe to talk about it release it through writing,

Moving,

Shouting your anger into the woods,

Going out into nature,

It's very healing or movement which is what we are going to do in this following meditation.

So I invite you to close your eyes get into a relaxed position and begin to breathe deeply.

When thoughts come up just notice it that's what the mind does it thinks.

Let them go as best as you can and come back to your breath.

And I invite you to choose a trigger that that triggers anger or frustration.

I feel anger,

Resentment,

Even mild annoyance about.

Here in your body do you notice this energy of frustration,

Irritation or anger.

And allow yourself to feel the full amount of that anger.

And imagine you're sitting in a circle around the fire,

A circle of friends,

Relatives and neighbors who you know and trust.

Imagine that you are permitted to shout your anger into the night sky and that others do the same thing.

Imagine the circle understands that you need to release.

No one is blamed,

Everyone is supported including those who carry the energy of anger.

If there's a part of you who experiences these sounds as alien just notice it and see if you can allow yourself to be in the flow with it.

Imagine you're beginning to dance and if you feel comfortable do get up and move.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

If grief or sadness comes up allow it to release.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

Release your anger through your body.

Observe what happens to anger.

Now bring your attention back to your breathing.

Come into stillness.

Check in with your body.

Notice what happened to the angry energy that was present in the beginning.

Whether it has moved or changed in any way.

Take one more long deep breath.

And when you're ready open your eyes.

Reviews

Powerful.

I took the time and it helped me. I really liked the chanting San soundbite. I think I will repeat this one.

This was timely for me. An excellent practice. Thank you.

Just the talk made me balance out before I even got to the meditation. Love how you talk about the tribe, I was looking them up and they are fascinating! Even their DNA. 🧬 thank you for sharing this lovely piece of wisdom.

Very informative and helpful in helping me getting to know and understand my anger. Thank you.

One of the best talks and meditations I’ve listened to. great insight at the beginning about anger and resentment, and great meditation and visualization for releasing it. Thank you.

I have been angry at my husband for many years now and that anger has been bubbling and increasing. Listening to this meditation, it was great to hear the kind way the topic was discussed. But in the meditation part I started having feelings of frustration come up. I almost thought it was the meditation. (Working with emotions can be so complex right? And if we don’t understand the root we start trying to attach reason to it, even if it’s not the actual reason.) so I nearly turned off the meditation but I decided to stick with it. It is not my practice to move my body in meditation but I decided to rock side to side in this one. And in the end my feeling of anger opened up and shared with me it was lingering unresolved emotions from when my dad died from Covid and I could not be with him, no matter how hard I fought to be by his side, I was refused access to him and he died alone. It’s hard being angry at that because it cannot change. The situation is so final. But being angry at my husband was easier because it’s still changeable. So I reverted my anger towards my fathers death subconsciously to my husband, because the mind hopes for a solution, for something to change to right the wrong. When hurt or wronged we tend to seek justice in some way. For penalties to be paid. I guess in many ways, what I learned in this meditation, as embarrassing as it is to say, all these years I have been expecting my husband to pay that debt, or those penalties, and it was not him that was punishing me, but the reverse. This was a short, but effective meditation. Now I suppose I have insight I now have to meditate on and work with. Thank you.