Healing from Rejection

Rejection is a painful experience - whether it is social or romantic rejection, being rejected at your job, or going all the way back to childhood trauma. Rejection impedes our ability to trust and open up to close relationships. Healing from rejection is paramount in order to be able to engage with life fully.

Transcript

So I chose the topic of rejection today because it's such a ubiquitous thing.

It's something that I hear a lot about in my work as a psychotherapist.

But of course I am myself no stranger to feeling rejected.

It is something that every human being experiences at some point.

Some people more traumatically and other people in a more everyday today form.

Rejection sometimes goes hand in hand with social anxiety.

We feel that because we don't have anything or anything interesting to say,

We feel like I shouldn't talk at all.

And that often has to do or sometimes has to do with childhood trauma.

It doesn't feel safe to be who you are.

It feels like you are not good enough.

There is lots of pressures to be a certain way or to act a certain way.

And it usually means that we are not in touch with our own self worth.

A loss of being in touch with your own self worth can be temporarily because you were thrown over by someone.

Or it can be chronic because of trauma in the past.

So this fear of rejection often has to do with fractured relationships in the family.

If we grow up with a parent that is so stressed themselves that they end up not being really present for their children,

Then that can very easily feel like a rejection or feeling chronically ignored.

Not being paid attention to,

Being neglected.

So when these parents don't have the capacity to really care for children,

It feels like a rejection and it feels like a rupture in the relationship between the parent and the child in a way that it feels like,

Okay,

I'm not welcome here.

Not just because of one single event,

But because of the whole person that you are.

And that is a traumatic experience when you don't feel welcome in your own family.

And then we carry that experience out into the world,

Into the environments that we engage in as adults or even as teenagers.

That withdrawal of affection or attention in the family can not only happen by parents,

But also by older siblings or by the extended family,

Uncles and aunts.

And it leads to a lack of support and feeling unsupported,

Unattended to.

And that's when it happens that we become prematurely independent.

That it feels like,

Okay,

Nobody's taking care of me,

I'm just going to do it all by myself and I learn how to be independent and I learn how not to depend on anybody else.

And then we often shut ourselves off from close relationships or from intimate relationships because they become too scary.

So the fear of jeopardizing a relationship can always linger in the background.

The fear that you cannot speak your truth because it will not be accepted or because you will be rejected for it,

Which makes it very difficult to open up and become vulnerable towards someone.

Sometimes being rejected has to do with patriarchal values.

There are many,

Many occurrences of women and little girls being rejected just because they're female and because the parents or one parent wanted to have a male.

And whether that's conscious or unconscious or somehow affected by the larger environment,

It is in the relationship and it is felt by the girl that is subject to this kind of rejection.

Of course,

It also happens in social environments like being bullied in school or feeling outcast for who you are or what you prefer,

For your sexuality,

For your education,

For your background.

Social rejection is very painful and is very difficult to be overcome,

But can be overcome.

Of course,

There's always professional rejection when we are or feel rejected because we applied for a job or lose our job.

Because work is often so important and a very important aspect of our identity,

Losing a job or not being able to secure a job can be very challenging because it feels like your whole confidence falls apart when that approval is withdrawn or not given in the first place.

And of course,

One of the most painful rejections is being cheated on or broken up with or forced to divorce without your agreement or consent.

And that then can often lead to just closing down.

It's too painful,

It hasn't been repaired,

It feels like there is no way to heal or mend these broken bonds.

So we kind of build a wall around ourselves and don't really allow anybody to be let in.

And sometimes it leads to rejecting others,

That there is this really strong fear of being rejected again.

So let's prematurely prevent that dreaded perceived rejection and initiate it yourself.

Let me reject you first before I can get rejected.

So we push others away for fear of rejection and hurt and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we shut off and don't let anybody near and then they will reject us because they don't feel welcome.

Rejection leads to lots of false beliefs,

Things like I'm not worthwhile,

I don't have any worth for the people I'm with,

I'm not welcome here,

I have nothing to say,

I must be stupid because I feel insecure about what I'm saying.

So all these false and usually negative beliefs are very harmful and we carry them out into the world.

So these are some of the general causes of feeling or being rejected.

So the general tools,

And we will do a meditation for that shortly,

Some of the tools you can work to employ in your own life is simply to grieve.

We often don't really grieve these rejections.

When someone dies or leaves our life then yes,

We do grieve,

But we often don't grieve small rejections or rejections like losing a job or losing a home or losing money.

It's very shameful but we don't go and cry about it very often.

So we don't really let that grief move through that wants to be acknowledged.

Mindfulness is a very important tool for something like rejection.

It is when we can develop a distance to that part of ourselves.

Some people call it the fly on the wall attitude where you look at yourself when you are hurt and when you are rejected and you develop self-compassion for yourself and you slowly develop a distance from the hurt that was inflicted on you and you don't take it on as much with time.

And of course one tool that is often employed by schools of thought like CBT,

Cognitive behavioral therapies,

Is exposure therapy.

That when there is a fear to work,

To expose yourself to potential situations where that might occur,

Even in small ways,

You always want to start small.

You don't want to come from a very wounded place and then expose yourself to a situation where there will be another really painful rejection.

That is too big a step.

You want to start small.

Somebody was talking about dating apps the other day after a breakup,

That even just engaging in a dating app and reaching out to someone else and not being responded to,

That can be just as hurtful,

But it tends to be a minor rejection and a minor hurt.

So that could be something to get started with,

But only in small doses,

Not if it's overwhelming.

Once you're ready to really let go,

And it may take some time,

That is the ultimate healing,

To let go of people and situations that are hurtful and that have inflicted harm.

I'm a big proponent of connecting to nature as support in that regard.

If you don't have a person or a pet to grieve with,

Pets are extremely therapeutic,

So just to be around them and to hold them is very therapeutic.

If you don't have a pet,

Go outside,

Go into the woods,

Let yourself be comforted by the trees and by the flowers and by the birdsong.

If you allow it to sink in and if you allow it to hold you in your grief,

That too is equally healing.

So let's move on to our meditation.

So I invite you to get into a relaxed position.

Close your eyes.

Begin to breathe deeply.

Notice your feet on the floor.

Notice your body being supported by the chair or couch you're on.

Notice your breath moving in and out of your nostrils.

Notice the thoughts running through your mind.

Just notice them.

That's just what the mind does,

It thinks.

Deepen your breath a little more at your own pace without strain.

And remember that with every deep breath your body relaxes just a little bit more and supports you with relaxing your mind as well.

And I invite you to call up a more recent situation where you felt rejected.

Don't go into anything traumatic,

Just a minor rejection when somebody wasn't responsive or distracted.

Where in your body do you feel discomfort when you remember that memory?

And give it a rating from 1 to 10,

1 being minor.

And now ask yourself how old is that part of you that feels rejected?

What could be an early memory,

Maybe from your childhood or your young adulthood,

Where you felt rejected in the family or by peers?

Where were you in that memory who was around,

Who was not around?

What was said?

What was missing from your life?

And really allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up around rejection.

And now I invite you to bring in your adult self,

Your mothering or fathering self that takes care of your kids,

Your pets,

Your plants.

If it feels right,

Allow in other supportive beings as well,

Alive or deceased,

Real or imagined,

Spiritual figures,

Deceased animals.

And imagine that they are supporting you,

That they are here to comfort you.

To whisper soothing words.

That they allow you to have all your feelings.

And allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up around rejection.

And allow yourself to be held and supported.

Imagine that your larger self is reassuring you just how lovable you are.

Just how much you are appreciated for your sensitivity,

Your empathy,

Your ability to connect with yourself and the world.

How much you are appreciated for your ability to understand yourself.

And for your efforts to let go of your fear and eventually move past the hurt.

Imagine that you are bathed in a warm and soothing light that is unconditionally accepting and loving.

And allow all your feelings to move through.

Now for a moment,

Return to the memory you've called on in the beginning about a recent rejection.

Imagine that you respond to this person or to this event with courage and resolve.

Without fear and in a way that fills an alignment with your personality.

Imagine that the relationship to your own larger self will persist.

And if you choose so,

The relationship with that person too can persist on your terms.

Imagine if it feels right,

That it can improve when you speak your truth.

And if you choose to let go of it,

That you are accepting and loving of your choice.

Now bring your attention back to your breathing.

Breathe deeply and exhale any remaining burdensome energy or tension from your body.

If there is still tension and hurt,

Allow yourself some time to be still or to write or to go for a walk in nature.

This is hard work you're doing.

Extend gratitude to yourself for the efforts you're making to live a better life for yourself than for others.

And when you're ready,

Open your eyes.

I invite you to simply relax a little more if that feels right,

To go back to your day only slowly if that's needed and possible.

To dedicate some time to yourself.

Reviews

Thank you

You described the problem perfectly. I am still unsure how to heal the fear, anger and sadness I feel 💜🙏

This practice spoke to my own experience with rejection and subsequent social anxiety in a way that was affirming, restorative, and healing. Thank you for creating and sharing this meditation, it is one I look forward to returning to again!

Very healing., thank you. It was the experience I needed., thank you!

Beautiful. Thank you so much. This has helped me immensely ❤️

This was like a therapy session, I really needed it. I have ADHD and rejection sensitivity was coming up for me due to a work situation at a new job. Thank you so much!

what an emotional but beautiful experience. i cried deeply during the meditation. it was a huge release 🙏

Kindness resonated in your voice and your knowledgeable guidance down the path gave me the healing I needed Thank you.

Thank you so much! So much rejection. Again, thank you...

Educational and beautifully healing. Thank you ✨🙏🏻✨

Thank you so much… I listened to this after I first listened to your shorter meditation, healing from heartbreak. Your words and guidance helped me immensely. I am grateful I’ve found you!

So healing. Thank you so much. 💓

Wonderful and really helpful during a great time of stress for me. Thank you!

Thank you. I live in a big bubble I to avoid rejection. Fear of stirring the pot. I am starting to face it so I can live a bettrr life.