Chapter 14,
Conscious Communication We have to stop hoping that others will act in ways that always leave us feeling good,
Because,
Quite frankly,
They won't.
They can't.
We often hurt each other out of fear and ignorance.
This is a fact of life.
We must not let it keep us down or alone.
We shouldn't hide from this reality.
Instead,
We can learn how to communicate and set boundaries in ways that allow us to be a peaceful,
Strong presence of truth and acceptance in any situation.
We can learn to be courageous within ourselves and clearly express who we are through our words and actions.
If we can begin stating our limits,
Needs,
And feelings in ways that are believable,
We'll empower ourselves and feel more comfortable in all of our relationships.
And in order to be believable,
We have to be vulnerable and sincere,
And the way to do that is by acknowledging and expressing our innermost truths.
To hear these truths,
We have to start listening to ourselves.
With one ear tuned to our inner wisdom,
We'll know how to speak and act in ways that are authentic and appropriate.
It simply takes practice and courage to do this.
When we're able to set healthy boundaries and explain what we're feeling and needing,
It shows others that we know and respect ourselves,
And that we are to be respected.
Expressing ourselves in this way also enables other people to drop their guard and to more easily trust us.
In this way,
They may be more able to understand our feelings and meet our needs as well.
This is because we all instinctively respond better to hearing another's feelings and needs than to being yelled at or told we are wrong in some way.
It is important to own our emotions and our part in every situation.
It is much more difficult to say what we actually feel and need than to engage in a battle of ego superiority.
The simplicity of our true needs perhaps scares us.
It may be shocking to realize that we don't require all of the painful fanfare of a full-blown argument or the short-term satisfaction and emotional release that our anger-tossing allows.
To be able to see a difference brewing and not have to bring up past transgressions and instead simply say what we're feeling and needing helps us more effectively turn our differences into workable situations.
This may seem challenging at first,
But over time we'll learn how empowering it can be to communicate in this way.
To say no to the need to engage in a dysfunctional argument is very liberating.
In order to do this sincerely and effectively,
However,
We must also acknowledge our own actions.
We have to set down our defensiveness and say with sincerity that we're truly sorry if we've hurt the other person.
When we're able to stay with the present situation and not bring up past hurts or throw in new accusations and simply say,
I feel this,
I need this,
And perhaps you're quite right in saying that I've hurt you and for that I'm sorry,
We can initiate a more honest and heartfelt dialogue and lead ourselves and others toward greater love,
Understanding,
And empathy.
When two people commit to communicating in this way,
Their hearts and minds will open like a flower on a spring day.
A relationship that's based on vulnerability,
Honesty,
And trust is such a beautiful thing.
When two people can let each other be who they truly are,
No matter what they're feeling and experiencing,
When they can simply hold space for the other and be present for them,
They'll have a remarkable opportunity to grow individually and together and will learn the meaning of true acceptance,
Respect,
And love.
In those difficult moments that have often led to tears,
Anger,
And painful accusations in the past,
We can begin to slowly find trust.
As we begin expressing our needs and feelings in loving and understanding ways,
We will gain confidence in our ability to respond appropriately to any situation.
From a place of self-acceptance and strength,
We'll slowly move toward compassion and mutual respect.
As we're able to acknowledge and meet our own needs,
We'll also begin to realize that we need this less and less from others.
We'll also find that we're less affected by other people's behaviors and more able to see their positive attributes.
We will have more understanding and empathy for their pain and the behaviors it creates in them.
We'll also be able to stop needing them to act in ways that for whatever reasons are impossible for them and will more readily be able to let them be who they truly are.
By connecting with other people in this way,
We'll also be able to more clearly recognize the perfection of life and the lessons that are available to us in our every relationship and interaction.
We can complain all day about someone's behavior,
But when we realize that setting our boundaries and sharing our feelings often only requires a few sincere words,
We'll spend less time looking for faults in others and more time accepting our own.
We'll begin growing in compassion for ourselves and everyone we encounter.
When we display our inner truths and self-respect through our words and actions,
We automatically give those around us a framework in which to operate.
By expressing ourselves in ways that are honest and kind,
We help state our needs much more effectively than a thousand screaming matches or misunderstood moments of uncomfortable silence ever could.
By acting in ways that show respect for ourselves,
Our feelings,
And our needs,
We teach others how to do the same,
And we'll be able to experience greater love,
Connection,
And peace in all areas of our lives.
