Non-Judging - A Series On The Attitudes Of Mindfulness (Week 1)

The mind judges.

It decides whether something is good or bad,

Pleasant or unpleasant.

I like it,

I don't like it.

It has an opinion on everything.

It wants to chase the good things,

The things it likes,

And stares away from the bad,

Things I don't like,

And ignores anything else that doesn't fit into either of these boxes.

These judgments can sometimes be favourable for us,

As they can help you navigate situations which could be dangerous or damaging to you,

Or on the flip side,

Constructive for you to decide what is purposeful,

Enjoyable and useful for your life.

The problems with judging are that when we ignore what we consider neutral,

We miss out on so many aspects of life that could actually bring wonder and joy and enrich our lives considerably.

How many times have you eaten a meal and not really tasted it?

Or drove past a view and not really seen it?

Or spent time with a loved one and not really seen them?

That is our mind making a judgment that they are neither good nor bad,

So therefore do not need our attention.

The decision that something is good and wanting to chase these things and have more of them can sometimes lead us to a treadmill whereby we constantly chase after more.

More money,

A bigger house,

A better car,

A bigger promotion,

Bigger muscles,

Losing more weight,

Getting more stuff,

And we don't ever become content with what we have right now.

The decision that something is bad causes suffering in life.

It can be applied to people,

Things,

Feelings,

Thoughts.

And this need to avoid these bad things can drive us to anger,

Anxiety,

Frustration and disappointment because we want them to be different.

And these feelings cause us pain.

Eckhart Tolle says,

The mental suffering you create is always some form of non-acceptance,

Some form of unconscious resistance to what is.

Notice he says the mental suffering you create.

Does this mean we have a choice in our suffering?

Is it possible to choose to accept what is without judging,

Without analysing and deciding which box it belongs in?

Is it possible to simply experience something?

Can we see that our experiences are just happenings and are neither good nor bad?

Coming to our world with this stance and attitude helps us to see and experience a richness in our present moment,

An opening to life's beauty,

An accepting and contentedness to whatever is,

And an appreciation to what we have and what we are right now.

It gets us off that hedonistic quest for more and helps us cultivate a peaceful mind.

We can let go of seeing things as bad.

That is just an interpretation of something that is just happening.

Accepting things as they are helps us not get caught up in,

They should have said this,

They shouldn't have done that,

I don't like it like that,

Which can be really toxic and destructive to our relationships and our happiness.

For one,

Our minds tend to generally focus on the negative,

But secondly,

They are really fickle and changeable.

So why do we rely on it so much then?

So how do we develop this attitude of non-judgment?

Well it starts with awareness,

Being aware of yourself doing it,

Noticing when you are making these judgments.

For example,

Right now in this moment I have noticed I have judged some children playing out on my street.

They are too noisy,

My mind has decided,

And into the bad box they go.

What ensues is a resistance to that noise.

I don't want that noise there,

I want it gone.

But unless the children go home,

The noise is going to remain,

My attention will remain on it,

And I will continue to become more frustrated and annoyed by it.

There will be a whole story that then develops and grows.

Why doesn't their mother stop them making that much noise?

She just doesn't care about her neighbours and me,

And before you know it I have decided I don't like the whole family,

Just because the children are playing out having fun.

Can you see the potential consequences of my judgment?

So what if I stopped as soon as I noticed the judgment?

Ah,

Here is judgment.

Now I would have to be careful,

I don't get into judging myself.

You are so horrible,

Mandy,

There are only kids playing out,

Why are you so intolerant?

You are supposed to be a mindfulness coach.

You can see where that is going,

How toxic and damaging it can be.

So again,

I need to become aware of it.

Ah,

Here is judgment again.

I don't have to get on the train with these thoughts,

I can just recognise them and see them for what they are.

The children are just playing out and making noise.

It's just a happening.

It doesn't have to be about me,

It's nothing to do with me unless I let it be.

I don't need to decide it is good or bad,

It is just an event.

It's not about me beating up on myself,

It's just a thought.

I don't have to get sucked up in it,

I can stay present with what actually is.

I can move my attention somewhere else,

My body,

My breath and then I am not even aware of the noise outside anymore.

Let's try this.

I invite you to close your eyes.

Just allow your body to relax and soften.

As you breathe out,

Notice the body becoming heavier and more relaxed.

Do a quick body scan right now and notice if there is any tension in the body.

If you do notice any parts of the body that do have tension,

Just keep your attention there and breathe into that area.

See if you can notice that on the exhale the tension maybe softens slightly or disappears completely.

I am going to allow some time for you to go through the body and do this using the breath to soften any tension anywhere in the body.

And now your body is soft and relaxed.

I want you to think about something you might be struggling with right now.

It doesn't have to be a major issue,

Just something that might be causing you upset.

If you don't have anything you could think about something that has caused you upset from the past or it could be something you just imagine.

It can be an emotional upset or a physical problem.

And now think about someone fairly close to you,

A friend or a family member that you don't live with but you admire and love and trust.

I want you to imagine pouring out your problems to this person by text or email.

See yourself sat at your computer or your phone,

Absolutely laying your heart open to them,

Telling them how you feel.

Telling them what things are causing you problems.

You're leaving yourself really vulnerable.

Imagine how you would feel doing this.

Think about how much you trust this person,

That's why you are sharing your heart with them.

How does that feel right now to have this person in your life?

It is now two days since you sent the message.

You have not had a response.

How do you feel about this?

Imagine this.

What judgements do you make?

Which box do you put them in?

Become aware of your thoughts and your feelings.

Notice how your body feels now.

Do you notice any changes?

Where you felt safe and relaxed before,

What do you notice now?

And now imagine you bump into this person in a supermarket.

They see you,

They acknowledge you,

But they tell you they are in a crazy rush and have to go.

They leave before you have a chance to say anything.

Become aware of your thoughts now.

What judgements are you making?

Are they good or bad?

What do you notice in your body now?

Can you see any clenching or squeezing or tightening?

Any heaviness anywhere?

How does the chest or the stomach or the jaw feel right now?

Do you notice any changes in your heartbeat or your breath?

Can you now just look at the facts?

Not your interpretation of things,

Not your evaluation,

But just the cold hard facts.

What are they?

The facts are you sent a message,

They didn't reply,

They were in a rush.

That is all you really know.

Can you maybe see the benefits to separating yourself from judging?

To just taking an inventory of just the facts?

Heim Ginnott,

A famous child psychologist said,

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.

I can humiliate or humour,

Hurt or heal.

In all situations,

It is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated and a person is humanised or de-humanised.

Let us get ourselves back into our seat of peace now.

Become aware of the breath in the stomach.

Take a deep inhale and allow the belly to stretch out as much as possible,

Like a balloon being filled to capacity.

You breathe deeply through the nose,

But then into the belly,

Filling it with long,

Deep breaths.

Continue this practice of belly breathing for a few more breaths.

Watch the belly rise and fall.

Out and in.

Out and in.

Watching the breath.

Watching the stomach.

Noticing the body softening on the exhale.

And now let that practice drop away and breathe normally,

But still keep the attention on the breath around the stomach.

Notice how the mind has quietened again,

Whilst it simply observes the stomach and the breath.

If it hasn't quietened and it is still caught up in thinking,

Remember not to judge yourself.

Just keep attempting to bring it back to observing your breath in your stomach.

And now notice the breath in the chest area.

Does this feel different to the deep belly breath?

Did you notice any judgements right there?

Did you decide you liked this breathing better than the belly breathing or I preferred the belly breaths?

Can you accept it as different,

But not better or worse?

And take your attention to your breath around the nostrils.

Just notice what is there for you.

And take in the whole body now.

Can you notice how it feels without judging if it is good or bad?

Is this possible for you?

And bring your attention now to the sounds outside the room or inside the room.

Again noticing if there is a tendency to decide whether you like them or not.

Is it possible for you to just be with them as merely a sound?

It is neither pleasant or unpleasant,

It is just a sound.

And now become aware of yourself in your space.

Have a picture of yourself in your mind's eye of yourself sitting or laying in your space.

And only when you are ready,

Slowly and carefully open your eyes.

A way to practice non-judging is to become aware of the judging tendency of the mind,

But maybe when you are out walking to just allow sounds to come to you without deciding whether you like them or not.

And also to become really aware of every experience and notice whether your mind is deciding whether this experience or that experience is just neutral.

Become fully aware of every moment,

Of every experience.

Thank you.