Discover Your Authentic Self: The 5 Keys To Unlocking The True You

So when you think about authenticity,

It's actually kind of a weird thing to think about,

Right?

You're thinking things like,

Do I know who I am?

Do I know the authentic being that lives inside of my body?

The reality is most of us never take the time to answer that question completely.

To remember who you are authentically,

You have to let go of what others want you to be.

Since we were little kids,

People are constantly asking us questions like,

What do you want to be when you grow up?

And never,

Who do you want to be?

The title of a job takes on the identity of the person instead of the character and qualities of the person,

Being that as the most important identity.

Once you grow older,

Questions start flowing out like,

Where are you going to college?

What's your major?

What are you going to do for a living?

When are you going to get married?

Then when are you going to have a baby?

And then when are you going to have your next baby?

Anybody relate to that,

Right?

We're conditioned by society to believe that there's a right path and that we need to follow it in order to be a successful human being.

I was on that path,

Checking all the right boxes,

Getting good grades,

Having good friends,

Marrying the love of my life,

Becoming foster parents,

Finding a career that I thought was activating my purpose,

And winning all these awards for that picture.

I looked the part of a very successful young woman.

But on the inside,

I felt like a total failure.

The disconnect between these two created a private experience of inauthenticity that was eating away at me.

You see,

Our bodies send us messages when we're not in alignment.

They show up as aches and pains,

Exhaustion,

And often,

Worst of all,

Self-hate messages that keep running on a loop in our minds.

That mean voice in my head kept saying I wasn't doing enough,

And therefore I wasn't enough.

That inauthentic experience led to racing thoughts that would wake me up out of bed at 3 AM like clockwork.

I had so much to do,

So much to prove,

And not enough time to do it.

And because I didn't know there was another way,

In those moments my body was saying,

Go back to sleep,

Sweet child.

Work can wait.

My mind took over,

And it went into overdrive.

So I numbed myself out,

And I went back to work.

I'd work from 3 AM to 6 AM,

Fall asleep on the couch with my laptop in hand,

Wake back up,

Get ready to go into work,

Then work from 8 AM to 6 PM,

Go to a networking event,

Come home around 9,

Work a little more,

Pass out from exhaustion on the couch,

Wake right back up at 3 AM to start that routine all over again.

From the outside,

I really had it together.

But on the inside,

This inauthentic state of being made me feel like I was falling apart.

There wasn't a single space I could be in where I wasn't thinking about what I hadn't yet accomplished.

Traffic lights and walks to meetings were simply space to check a quick email and shoot off a response.

Anybody else do that?

I felt like I was never fully present,

And therefore I was never fully me.

What the world saw was a high achiever,

But in reality,

I was diagnosed with a work addiction,

And I used it as a mask to avoid what was happening inside of me.

It's interesting when you think about addiction.

We often think about it as a very negative thing,

Right?

Drug abuse,

Substance abuse,

Those kinds of addictions.

But you don't have many employers saying,

Chill out.

You've got a work addiction,

Right?

You need to do less.

So really,

Being aware of that is a big deal,

And knowing that this is not OK,

Right?

This is not healthy.

It wasn't until one morning when I was in bed when my husband woke up next to me,

And he said,

It's so nice to see you.

I didn't understand what he meant.

I saw him all the time.

He explained that I'm never in bed when he wakes up or when he goes to bed,

And that it was OK,

Because he was proud of all I was accomplishing,

But it was such a treat to see me that morning.

His reflection of me opened my eyes to the excuses I had been making for my behavior for the first time in years.

I had a problem,

And I didn't know how to solve it,

So it was time to get help.

That was six years ago,

And since that day,

I've been on a very intentional journey to know myself,

Take care of my needs,

Own my gifts,

Live in my values,

And love all those pieces of myself completely.

These are the most important things,

But yet we don't give them what they deserve.

I was able to see who I was,

Warts and all,

And it was time to learn what had to be done to authentically make my outside experience match my insides.

I desperately needed alignment,

And it wasn't something a quick fix to the chiropractor could adjust.

This was deep work that was whispering to me for years,

And when I didn't listen,

It finally started to scream.

I had come to a breaking point and was forced to listen and put in the work,

Because it's work,

So that inner voice didn't yell anymore.

We so quickly forget that we can't pour from an empty cup.

When we are drained,

We are doing a disservice to everyone in our lives.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

You owe yourself the love you so freely give to other people.

Everyone benefits when you do.

The beginning of my personal journey in self-care felt like a bit of a joke.

I knew the meaning of the word,

But not how it applied to me.

What was clear was that I had to get my sleep hygiene together in order to build anything else out.

Through psychodynamic therapy,

Mindfulness practices,

Visualization,

Having a bedtime routine,

And a whole toolkit to help myself through that 3 AM alarm clock in my mind,

I finally learned how to sleep through the night.

I had to reprogram myself to realize that my worth was not measured by my productivity,

And that the greatest value I could bring was a reflection of the way I was showing up for myself.

When those pieces authentically aligned,

The energy it created ultimately impacted everyone around me in a positive way.

Once I was able to get my work addiction in check and understand that I uniquely and authentically needed to take good care of myself,

I found I was getting so much further ahead.

In this new way of thinking,

I started to have revelations.

I didn't have to grind it out in order to be a success.

I didn't have to do it the way everyone else did just because that's how it's always been done.

And I had some amazing gifts that I was hiding and denying their existence.

They were locked in the basement of my being in an armored box with chains wrapped around them.

But what I didn't realize was that box was alive.

It was rattling and shaking.

And as a result,

Cracks were formed.

My emotions were starting to find their way out through those cracks,

And it was never productive.

During this time,

I went to a conference,

And a woman on stage shared her story of being able to change lives through poetry.

In a moment that was beautiful and moving to everyone else in the room,

I was pissed.

Who did she think she was taking the stories of these children and using them like they were her own?

The nerve.

In that very second,

I stopped myself and realized what was going on.

I saw myself in her.

I was projecting my own experience of being inauthentic onto this innocent and wonderful woman.

As a foster parent,

I had become the poster child for walking the walk in my last nonprofit job.

I was telling the story of our life together and freely accepting that people thought I became a foster parent because I was just a good person.

No one ever asked me why I became a foster parent,

So they just assumed.

I didn't feel like a good person.

I felt like a phony.

I'd get stomach aches and go back into bad sleeping patterns just thinking about it.

Yet another sign my body was giving me that I was living an inauthentic life.

I was willing to share the story of my daughter,

But not willing to share my own.

Months went by with this aching feeling of disconnect inside of me.

And finally,

I did something about it.

On stage in front of 500 people,

And just a few months after my father died,

I spoke my truth.

The reason I became a foster parent was because I knew what it felt like to be neglected and abused.

My father was the product of a horrifically violent upbringing,

And he thought that he was being a good dad by teaching us lessons we would never forget.

But those punishments were mentally,

Emotionally,

Physically imprinted on my psyche in all the worst ways.

They created that voice in my mind that kept screaming at me that I wasn't good enough.

They drove me to feel like I could never achieve enough to be proud of.

But on the outside,

I was strong,

And I had my out act together.

So I kept those feelings to myself.

I didn't realize how much my soul was yearning to own my gifts and to come out from that experience to ultimately take back and ignite my greatest superpower.

My whole life,

I always thought this power was my ultimate weakness.

I was sensitive,

Highly emotionally intelligent,

And had empathy for days.

As a result,

I became the one everyone tapped on for their issues.

And it would range from my best friends to strangers in the grocery line.

I never understood why others couldn't serve that role for people in the way that I could for them.

I felt this weight of expectation on me,

And I had no idea how to manage it.

But as my journey continued in knowing who I was authentically and activating regular self-care,

I continued to have these epiphanies.

My greatest superpower came from my darkest experiences.

My father's psychosis was,

In many ways,

My most memorable teacher.

When we were alone and I knew I didn't have any protection,

My emotional intelligence antenna went all the way up.

What was his tone of voice like?

How was he carrying his body?

Was he already mad,

Or did I have a chance to shift his mood?

I learned how to behave in order to avoid his punishments.

I could take him from being on a rampage to laughing by just accomplishing a few tasks really well that met his high standards,

And then giving some playful gestures to lighten the mood.

He taught me how to adapt,

And he showed me that if I could do that for him,

It would be smooth sailing for doing that with anybody else.

My emotional intelligence is my most authentic superpower,

And I learned how to activate that gift in order to survive.

What came to me seemingly naturally,

I learned as an adult,

Is actually quite difficult for most.

I now get the amazing privilege of coaching,

Facilitating workshops,

Having online courses,

And hosting retreats to teach people all over the world on how to tap into their emotional intelligence in order to discover their authentic selves by owning their gifts,

Defining their values,

And aligning their behaviors to understand how they are impacting their day-to-day lives and the environments around them.

When I made that connection for myself and spoke it out loud,

I finally felt free.

You see,

Authenticity is the ultimate freedom.

No more secrets,

No more games,

Just my authentic truth,

Which was greatly shaping my lens and how I showed up in the world.

Once I was able to own my greatest gifts completely,

I began the journey of understanding my values.

Values are our internal compass and represent what we stand for.

We are all a walking,

Talking,

Living,

Breathing set of values.

But most of us just don't take the time to define them and then use them intentionally as a way to activate our lives.

Think about it this way.

I could go to an event with my best friend and leave feeling like it was a total waste of time,

And she could leave feeling like it was the best night ever.

What's the difference?

For me,

I deeply hold the values of connection and sense of belonging.

So if I go to an event where I felt like there were already formed groups and cliques and people were not welcoming me in,

I would leave feeling like that was a waste of my time.

Meanwhile,

If my best friend had the value of social recognition,

She may feel like it was awesome to get to Elboro her way in to schmooze with some of the leaders in the community,

Exchange some business cards,

And have her picture taken to be included in the post-event press.

Neither one is right or wrong.

It just is.

And when you know those things about yourself,

You're able to create a deeper intention on how and where you spend your time.

With those ideas in mind,

I ask myself questions like,

What drives me?

And what are the things I was allowing to drive me that were expectations of others that I willingly took on just to make them proud?

The truth is,

Growth is painful.

Change is painful.

But there's nothing more painful than being stuck where you don't belong.

And when you're living in someone else's values,

That's exactly where you do not belong.

My deep dive helped me understand what lit me up,

What made me feel the most aligned,

And what left me feeling drained and defeated.

I now use my values as my greatest compass to create a life by design and not by default.

As a result,

My business shifted from,

So you have a budget?

Sure,

I can do that.

To,

Let's understand where our values intersect and if we're going to be making the impact we both are looking to do.

That small shift has made a huge difference in my life overall.

I'm learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from the things that were not meant for me.

And when your values and behaviors are in alignment,

Life feels amazing.

Now I'm learning how to love myself completely,

And I'm still learning.

Not quite there.

I'm probably four and a half stars on that list.

This act is the worthiest journey you could ever take.

And we can easily say that we do,

But then that voice in our head starts yapping about what needs to be better,

What needs to change,

And how we're not good enough.

I can't tell you what to do to make them go away,

But I can tell you what to do to slow them down and start to make a shift.

It is possible to recognize what's happening,

Observe the story that's being told,

And separate what you know to be true from what that voice is saying.

So if my voice is saying,

This presentation is going to be a total flop this morning,

In the past,

I might have replied,

You're right,

I don't deserve to be here.

And the negative thoughts and energy would just start to shift me and follow me around like the plague.

Now when something like that happens,

I speak back.

And I say,

You're so silly.

There's no way this is going to happen.

I always do my best,

And so that's what I'm going to do.

That response completely shifts you from self-hate to self-love.

This is a silent internal conversation,

But the key is that it's a conversation and not a statement of truth.

And I learned a trick I want to share with all of you today that's helped me tremendously in my self-love journey.

Find a picture of yourself as a little girl and for the gentleman as a little guy,

A time before that little voice started being mean to you.

Our ego develops around four and five years old,

So before then would be a good starting point.

So find that picture and look at that beautiful little babe deeply and ask yourself,

What do I want for her?

Would I say this to her?

Would I give her this food?

Would I make her go to another birthday party when she really just needs to take a nap?

It's amazing what happens when you remember the little girl that still lives inside of you just waiting for you to give her what she needs.

And now that you're an adult,

You can actually do that.

So what's stopping you?

This is a photo of me at a time where I was living in the heart of Washington,

DC.

This is where I first discovered the mountains,

The beauty of animals,

And the connection between all of us at my uncle's ranch in Idaho.

He was a real cowboy by profession,

And I was sure I was going to grow up and become a cowgirl.

I didn't know it intellectually.

I just felt it in my body.

This photo represents so many of my values,

And I use it as the background of my cell phone.

So whenever I find myself going into that bad place,

I remind myself to look at her and ask her,

Would I do this to her?

Would I want this for her?

Would I treat her this way?

It's a wonderful,

Wonderful gift that costs nothing,

And it allows you to start taking care of yourself the way you would take care of a child you love.

I expose her to as much love as possible,

And I listen to her when she needs to say no,

Take a nap,

Or be held and rocked.

And you can do that too.

I hope you'll join me.

If you don't know where to start,

Consider starting by listening to your body.

Those gut feelings,

The way that your heart pounds hard or feels like it's going to stop,

Those are your body giving you points of data.

It's saying things like,

This is so me,

Or this is not right.

We cannot forget that our body is the keeper of our soul and gives us such wisdom that we can all tap into simply by being open to it and listening.

For when you know who you are authentically,

You can ignite self-care,

Own your gifts,

Live in your values,

And love yourself completely.

When this happens,

You truly understand what it means to be a human being and not a human doing.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

This is a photo of me last year at that ranch.

My cowgirl mentor,

Her name is Cheyenne.

She's actually a real life cowgirl.

She took this picture of me on my first ride in over 25 years.

I'm learning to become a cowgirl.

You see,

My husband and I are actually on a quest to build a retreat center out in the mountains of Idaho.

And I'm making the little girl dream I had become a part of my reality today.

We can all take those baby steps towards our ultimate vision in life when we know ourselves and therefore know what we're meant to do.

When people ask me what I'm most proud of as an entrepreneur,

I say with joy that I get to wake up every day exactly who I am and make an impact on the world as a result.

And I hope you'll join me in fighting for that reality,

Because it is a fight.

But when you finally get over the feeling of being knocked down and realize it's simply part of pushing your evolutionary edges,

It ultimately becomes a fluid experience that gives you a sense of complete alignment in your purpose.

We all have that ability.

We just need to choose to go on that journey to discover our authentic selves.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.