Expectations - The Hurdles To Freedom Of The Mind

We expect a lot in life, from ourselves and of others. Expectations are very important to who we want to be and our vision of others. Expectations are often directly related to the Buddhist ways of thinking about suffering. The Buddha related to having expectations of desire and greed. In some ways, that is true but in other ways having expectations are neither related to both. Let us have a closer look at what we think of expectations in general.

Transcript

Expectations,

The hurdles of freedom of your mind.

Yeah,

We expect a lot in life,

From ourselves and from others.

Expectations are very important to who we want to be and our vision of others.

Expectations are often directly related to the Buddhist way of thinking about suffering.

The Buddha did relate having expectations to desire and greed.

In some ways that is true,

But in other ways having expectations are neither related to both.

That we have a closer look to what we think of expectations in general.

Our first idea is that we expect to live,

To grow and to die.

We also expect to be loved,

Have relationship,

Get education,

Work,

Grow older,

Having children and have good and bad moments in our lives.

All these simple,

Straight forward expectations do contain elements of suffering,

But also of hope and happiness.

It is a mixture of positive and negative elements.

Beside having personal expectations as a part of the thinking process,

These same expectations are considered a fact of life.

Expectations are needed to stay alive.

You expect to eat,

Drink,

Move and be alive.

Every life contains these elements.

Each individual receives them in a different way and of other value.

Expectations can cause suffering,

That's true.

But there is no need to consider it as an automatic effect of it.

The cause and action principle is here very important.

If you expect that expectation will cause suffering,

They will surely do that.

Let me give you an example.

You make an appointment and on the way toward a meeting with a friend and you consider the possibility of being too late.

It's really high.

As a precaution you call your friend and tell,

Hey,

I'm sorry,

But I expect to be too late.

Do you mind it?

Your friend does not consider it a problem and just takes another cup of coffee.

Finally you arrive in time,

Pay the extra coffee and take your seat on the table.

Both of you are happy and the expectation did not come true and the timely warning was well received.

Warning each other in case something happened is a good start.

Sharing your expectation is the first step to stop suffering.

Yes,

Sharing is caring and can stop suffering.

We have been talking now about the word expectation without looking into the clean meaning of the word.

But we do that now.

Expectations are everything that is hopefully to happen in the future.

Everything refers to the events,

Purchases,

Relationship or anything that can happen in a lifetime.

The word hopefully is considered to be used in positive situations.

In expected negative situations we leave that word away.

And another thing,

Expectations only can happen in the future.

This is a very important part of the word.

Expectations are not facts,

But thoughts,

Plans,

Imaginations.

Sometimes they are predictions created by visionaries.

One of the major problems why expectations create suffering is that we connect to it and become emotionally involved with it.

So they contain an emotional value.

When an expectation becomes emotionally loaded,

It becomes a part of who you are.

You get attached to it.

The expectation is yours.

It becomes a personal possession.

When the expectation gets very close to your core emotions as love,

Hate,

Wishes,

Wants and desires,

They start the feeling of suffering.

Another reason why expectations create suffering is that sometimes the expectations exceed your capacities,

Your possibilities or they are just dreams without a foundation ever to come true.

We expect something but do not work hard enough to realize it.

The expectation is like half built bridge of which we expect it to lead us to the other side.

That will never happen.

On the other hand,

If you bring up an expectation but do not connect an emotion to it,

The level of the expectation decreases gradually and loses power and value.

The chance that this expectation ever will become true is not very high.

Expectations can bring real suffering when the emotional component is there.

This leads to the question is there any expectation without an emotional component?

Yes,

But that is only can be possible if you are not directly involved in it.

You are a bystander and sharing the expectation of others.

You can call it a second degree expectation.

As for example,

A new part of the town must be ready in 2021.

But they did not start even to build it yet.

The expectation is next year but it is clear that it can never become true.

This expectation is false and will not lead to a personal suffering but probably to anger and the fact that others created a fake expectation.

All expectation must finally bring an outcome.

We can state that an expectation has a beginning and an end.

It can hold the expiry date of an expectation.

Some results are in the near future while others can be settled even after a person dies.

For that I have a great example that lasts much longer than the personal life of the creator.

That is the Barcelona La Sagrada Familia of Antoni Gaudi.

Even 137 years after the building started it is not finished.

Most results do not meet the expectations in full.

Let me explain this more clearly.

You start to expect something at a certain moment in time.

Time moves on and events happen.

These events may change the possible outcome of what you expected to happen.

It is very likely that the final result of your expectation is different from your original expectation.

If you do not adjust your expectation or accept the result it will all end in suffering.

A clear example is the following situation.

When I choose my house the seller did show me the drawings.

I was pretty happy and distressed.

On the drawings it was stated that on the middle of my living room there was a balcony attached.

It seemed to me a great idea at the time.

I expected to have an outside balcony that I could use to sit on in the summertime and enjoy the outside.

But when I entered my house the first time there was no outside balcony.

The architect chose for an inside balcony which took half of my living room away.

I did look like I entered a giant aquarium without fishes.

It was in my vision a complete disaster.

A balcony in my vision is supposed to be outside.

This architect did change the word balcony into interior balcony which was neither clear nor covering the reality.

You understand that it did not meet my expectation in any way.

What effects do expectations have on our life?

The effect is that on our lives it depends on so many questions.

I give you a few examples such as do you use expectations in a positive or in a negative way?

And will you work hard to create a result of your expectation or do you sit back and watch what's happened?

We need to separate expectation in two groups.

Personal expectations which do involve us directly.

We are a part of these expectations.

Extra personal expectations which do not involve us personally but may have an influence on our life.

The first group is part of our life and influence every step of it.

In the second group we are observer.

Being an observer needs emotional control and sometimes detachment.

All depends on how we control our emotions.

We also can choose another way to separate expectation.

That is by limitation of personal involvement.

We divide them into two different ones.

First the passive expectation is easy.

We sit back,

Expect things to happen and are not involved in it.

An active expectation in which we are participating.

These expectations are close to our emotions and we put energy in it.

To receive it back plus of course the bonus that we want.

A sample of that is our work as a volunteer for a good cause.

Expectations are a ruling part of our lives since we are very young.

We grow up with them,

Develop them for ourselves and grow old with them.

In every step of our life they are important and give us direction.

How can you let expectations work for you?

First of all cut every expectation in pieces.

Start working on fulfillment each expectation by cutting them in small parts each time.

By succeeding every small step you come closer to a real result.

Be patient.

Just let me give you an example.

You are a sports person and want to become champion.

The first thing you must do is to train hard and take part in competitions.

After that if you have the ability to work hard you become club champion.

After the club championship you go for the local championship.

The next step is to win the regional competition.

After this you go into the province or district championships.

From there you move to the national level and then you enter the bigger play field of the European or intercontinental international competition.

And finally you come to the world level or even Olympics.

Before you can realize any of your serious dreams it takes time,

Effort,

Hard work and opportunity to finally get the result of your expectation.

So it is important to be realistic in your expectations.

Divide every expectation in opportunities,

Plans,

Hopes and dreams.

Give an expectation a ranking number and the lowest number come first and the highest is the last in order.

Start with the easy and go to the most difficult one over time.

Win step by step.

Being realistic is not easy as you end up confronting yourself with reality of what you really are.

If you have very high expectations but low ability on a 13-10 you know it is impossible to reach the desired goal.

To go on that direction only lead to frustration and failure and yes suffering.

This has a great negative effect on your personality.

If you cannot do something it only means that you are not made to do that but maybe something else you are much better in.

Move on,

Accept the failure as a warning,

As a lesson and not as a losing game.

Then keep your expectations clear.

Most people bring expectations inside expectations and so on.

Let me explain you more clear.

You want to become champion in boxing.

That is your start goal,

Your expectation.

During training you discover that you are a good runner.

You decide to go for the running championship.

You win a small regional title and think hey there is more at stake.

At school you do it very well at mathematics and need to decide that you join the competition in mathematics.

It is promising and the teachers are proud of you.

Now you have already a series of expectations to go for which eats in its own demands.

Your list is now 1.

A boxing competition with training hours involved,

A running competition with a need for training and competing,

A mathematics at school and also you have to put time and effort inside.

There are three different but demanding expectations which in turn are promising but impossible to combine on the long run.

If you wish to fulfil the highest possible it is important to be clear in your choices.

Expectations must be clear and single minded to accomplish.

It is possible to have more expectations at the same time but they must not mix.

Be of the same kind or completely oppose each other.

Try to keep it clean and clear.

Important is clean up your mind on a regular basis.

Many people are fluted by their expectations and slowly draw on in them.

Unfulfilled,

Failed or outdated expectations can be around in conscious but also in your unconscious mind.

And it is like the hard drive of your computer.

The brain needs to be cleaned on a regular basis otherwise it gets stuck.

Most people keep unfulfilled or failed expectations as bad memories.

These memories are kept alive by searching for confirmations of that negative feeling.

Samples are like pictures,

Paintings,

Telephone numbers,

Cards and so on.

Often also conversations with so called friends.

Visible and invisible memories are like totems of the bad memories reminding you day by day of the bad times.

When you clear your mind you need to clear your environment at the same time.

Like I suggested to do on the computer,

Clean it often.

If you delete the virus but do not definitely remove it,

It will be back.

Just like our friend Arnold say in his movies,

I be back.

And then never expect the impossible.

Many people have impossible expectations which never can be realized.

Sometimes you can have an expectation that is not realistic but nice to have and hope for.

Such as winning the lottery.

You can expect it and hope for it but never start to believe in it.

Because the chance that it comes true is so small but important never give up expecting something.

Expectations give you a reason to live.

Expectations are an important part of our reasons to live.

If you give up to expect anything you should start preparing to die.

Why do I say this?

Because many people will tell you that giving up all expectations is one of the slogans that is preached in Eastern philosophies and religions.

But is that true?

When you start your meditation you expect to become better in it.

When you do it for many years you expect to become a master in it.

Yes,

Expectation sets to action.

The same people tell you not to expect anything that is very contradicting to their own behavior.

They start teaching because they expected people to be interested in their teachings.

When they have students they expect them to listen and follow their instructions.

The best way to stop expectations,

To have a negative effect on your life or thinking,

Is to accept expectations as to be a part of your life.

Organize all expectations and let them rule your life while monitoring them regularly.

Be as a virus software on your computer.

Check and destroy what is no longer needed or a danger to your life.

Be clear and especially be clean.

Move and remove,

But always keep the expectations of a better life,

A better love and surely a better world.

That is an expectation we all want to go for,

Isn't it?

Right?

Question and answer.

Question 1.

I expected to be pregnant,

But all I do is not successful.

What can I do?

Answer 1.

This is one of the most difficult questions to answer.

You should have biological checks.

Listen to professional doctor advices and try what is possible.

If you did follow all that road and still there is no result,

Your expectations become absolute and maybe impossible.

At that moment you enter the phase of accepting the impossible truth.

To accept what is possible is often a very hard moment in time and all your emotions are involved in this process.

At that moment you need help.

It is near to impossible to solve this problem without good,

Reliable help.

That is my advice.

Seek professional help.

Question 2.

I expect the impossible.

I'm an inventor and want to create something that does not exist.

From my vision I read that I will not be successful.

Is that true?

Answer 2.

I had a big,

Big smile when I got this question.

Something becomes impossible when you think it is impossible,

But still you persist in doing so.

Being an inventor is not seeking the impossible,

But finding the answers for something that is considered impossible by others,

But possible by you.

The impossible is very possible by people who see away how to find the answer.

Space travel was impossible until someone solved the problem of the rockets.

The answer is that something only is impossible when you consider it impossible in your mind and pursue against your own judgment.

Question 3.

My expectation is to become rich and famous,

But nothing happened until today.

I'm trying very hard to find a way and did try many things already without success.

What's wrong with my expectations?

Answer 3.

There is only one reason for this.

You did not find something that makes you outstanding.

Currently you are a drop of water in the sea,

To be famous drop of water in the sea.

You should get out of the water and be special.

If you have nothing different to offer the world,

Your expectations will always be just a dream.

Create a difference and pursue it.

Question 4.

Currently I'm involved in my spiritual development and meditation often.

My teachers tell me not to expect anything as expectations leads to suffering and failure.

Is that true?

Answer 4.

Most teachers tell that.

Question for my side.

Why did they become teachers?

They did become teachers as they expected to find followers.

By expecting to find followers they expect people to listen to them.

Next step is to expect them to have results of their teachings.

Still they tell you not to expect anything.

That's really not right.

They are not good teachers as they do not even understand what they are teaching.

Question 5.

I do not understand the difference between passive and active expectations.

Can you explain this deeper?

Answer 5.

The answer is divided in three segments.

1.

Active expectations are all those expectations that you work on.

You think of them and you are busy with them.

Some of these expectations you work on a daily basis and others less frequent.

You are directly involved in the expectation and often participates in it.

Maybe you even own it.

Most of the expectations are on your own mind.

You actively activate them with your energy.

Your work and thinking they have a meaning and emotional involvement for you.

2.

Passive expectations are those you see around you.

You are an observer but you are not really actively busy with them.

You are not directly involved but they can often do have an effect on you.

They are happening but you stand on a distance and you observe.

3.

Mixed expectations.

Many expectations have an active and passive component.

For example like when you buy a new to build house.

You are involved yourself with your house and the street.

And a little bit with the neighborhood which is very important to you.

It's something you cannot always actively participate in.

Some things you can only review and be a supporter of.

Even when you wish to be an influencer.

Sometimes decisions are made and you have an effect on it.

But they don't involve you to come to a result.

This is the end of my lecture.

I hope you enjoyed it.

My name is Arnald van de Veer from the Netherlands.

If you like to ask me questions or connect with me just use email or other ways.

You are always welcome.

And I hope you will listen to my other lectures.