​Selfgentleness In Action (05/09/25) S5: Empathy & Self-Care

Femke discusses in the fifth session of her Selfgentleness in Action Lives how you can use Selfgentleness when you notice that your empathy defies taking care of yourself. She discusses how selfgentleness can support you to care of yourself, and how that will never defy your empathic nature nor being there for others. As always, Femke ends with a guided practice to let you explore for yourself how you can use her words and start to be selfgentle as an empathic person.

Join Femke's Lives every second Friday of the Month in person, and ask your questions! Sign up for her Insight Timer Lives via Femke's profile. This time, the topic was a request of a regular participant. This is the recording took place on 9 May 2025.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome everyone!

Welcome to Self-Gentleness in Action,

Session 5,

When Empathy Defies Self-Gentleness.

Welcome to my monthly Self-Gentleness Live,

Every second Friday of the month,

Here on Insight Timer.

My name is Femke Bakker,

I am a Self-Gentleness teacher and a behavioral scientist and I love to take you on this beautiful Self-Gentleness path,

Where I show you that you can become gentle with yourself,

Which means that you will radically accept that you are the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness,

Yeah,

That is it.

And I have developed this system,

This method of Self-Gentleness over the course of basically my life,

Even when I was not so much aware of what was Self-Gentleness,

But my life experiences and I think the person that I am,

Brought me to starting to find those tools and methods that would help me to feel good about myself,

To be gentle with myself,

To have a counter action against that inner critic that was so strong on me,

Because I have said it before,

I am a previous perfectionist,

I used to be a perfectionist and now I am not,

But I have to be aware that that perfectionist voice,

Which is always there in a certain way,

Will not take over again and I do that by the Self-Gentleness approach,

That is what I am teaching here.

So I would love to hear who you are and where you are in the world.

I have a new interface here,

A new screen,

It is really,

Really beautiful,

So if anyone of Insight Timer is seeing this and listening,

Really beautiful work you guys,

I love it.

So let me see who is here,

Hi Angela,

Hi Lauren,

Hi Kerry,

Lovely that you are all here,

So great to see you.

John from Michigan,

Yeah,

Lovely to hear where you are and of course,

Good morning,

Petter Brook,

Lauren,

To you,

Good morning because you are in Australia.

So the Self-Gentleness and Action Series,

Which is now what I am doing in my monthly lives here,

Is actually the next step.

So if you are here for quite some time and I see some names from people who have been with me already for quite some time,

You know the foundational work of Self-Gentleness,

Which is that you learn to tune in,

To start to listen to what it is that you need,

That you want,

That you desire,

Which generally starts with understanding and feeling what you don't want and what you don't desire.

But then you start to listen more and more,

You become aware of what is going on within you in every moment in time and then you start to honor that.

And that's the foundational practice,

That is the basics.

And I know that many of you are doing this already.

But then comes the second question and that is,

Can you always do this?

So can you radically accept yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness?

And that's difficult sometimes because life happens.

Things happen,

Not just within us,

You know,

Within us I mean our inner critic and expectations that we have,

Our inner rebel,

All these things that are going on within us,

But also things outside us happen.

The weather,

Politics,

Relationships,

Children,

Parents who get older,

Societies,

Neighbors,

Whatever there is going on,

It can ruffle your feathers and it can make you forget to be self-gentle.

And that very often has to do with old conditioning that you might have.

So old wounds from your childhood and it doesn't even have to be a big wound or a big trauma,

We all have these things that we carry with us that we misunderstood when we were children and we never took the time and awareness to actually realize that what we experienced as a kid and the way we interpreted those situations were way not as bad as we thought that they were.

So for instance,

As a kid you break a glass and then your mother or your father at that day had already a terrible mood and they could really,

Really get angry at you.

And as a kid you cannot put this in perspective and you really feel that you're not good enough.

And that is just one of those seeds that we can plant in ourselves that can grow because maybe the next day in school a teacher makes a remark that digs into that seed and feeds it so it starts to grow.

And this is very human,

This is not so bad,

This is what happens to all of us.

I'm just explaining how that principle works,

That this is a way that we start building,

Not so consciously,

Certain expectations of ourselves and then we feel we do not fulfill these expectations and that is where the friction starts.

And then of course there are more traumatic experiences or more heavy experiences that really,

Really teach us a lesson that actually we should not be taught.

But in that experience we feel so bad that the only thing we can think of is that it must be us.

And that process is very often not so conscious,

That is a subconscious or even unconscious process that goes within us.

So the tuning in practice of self-gentleness helps you to connect with what lives within you.

And then I do not mean that inner critic that shouts really loud how you should behave,

How you shouldn't behave,

What you should do,

What you shouldn't do,

All that whole list of expectations.

No,

I'm speaking about the voice of your heart,

Your soul,

Your inner being,

Whatever word you want to give,

Your intuition,

Your nature,

Your true self,

Your authentic self,

Your divine self.

You know,

There are so many different words that people use for this but I know that you know what I mean.

When you tune into that voice it feels good,

That's all you need to know.

You don't need to label it,

You don't need to explain it,

You just have to know that when you tune into this voice you feel good about yourself.

You feel at ease,

You feel peaceful,

You feel loved,

You feel worthy.

And actually that is the truth because every one of you,

Every human being is in essence worthy and lovable,

Is loved,

Can be loved,

Can be feeling that feeling of worthiness.

And when you connect to that voice then you also start to acknowledge what it is that you do want and what you don't want.

And then you start to realize that you should have said no to your boss when they asked you to top on all of your duties something else.

Or you realize that you did want to go to that dinner date with your friends rather than going to your family for a birthday.

Or maybe that you didn't want to go to any dinner date but you just wanted to go home and binge watch or sleep.

And those wishes and desires and needs can differ in every moment because it all depends on how you slept,

What's going on,

How busy you were,

How much relaxation you have,

What is,

You know,

Who are you,

What do you need to relax.

Some people to relax they need to lay under a blanket and binge watch and other people need to sleep and other people need to run or cycle and really be very active.

You know,

We all have different ways of doing that.

A lot of us have a combination of all that.

All right.

So self-gentleness in action,

Because that's how I started,

Is about how can you start to apply self-gentleness to those topics that are hard for you.

And that's why I asked in my self-gentleness group here on Insight Timer,

Let me know what topics are bugging you.

What topics are difficult for you to maintain that self-gentleness.

And I got a lot of your topics.

That's really,

Really nice.

So after this live,

You can go to my profile and you can see that I have scheduled every second Friday of the month with one exception and that is in July,

I think.

Yes,

In July it's going to be the third Friday of the month and that has to do with a birthday of my kid that I'm not going to give live on that day,

That I have planned those different topics.

And these are all things that I've heard from you in my group or that I heard in other channels where I am teaching self-gentleness.

And just to give you a starter,

The next one is going to be on the 13th of June.

And the topic there is,

What is the story that you are telling yourself?

What's the story?

What's the story?

And that is about expectations.

We all create stories so we can live our life with some kind of ease.

But within those stories,

We also put things to guard ourselves against disappointments or not to be heard by other people.

And to become aware of what stories you tell yourself can really help you to apply more self-gentleness to your life.

And then the second one is on the 18th of July and that is dealing with doubts and regrets.

And then there are more topics up until December I've planned already.

So take a look,

Sign up already so you get notified when I go live.

All right.

So the topic of today,

That's also a topic that I got from you guys,

Is when empathy defies self-gentleness.

And what do I mean with that?

So I said already a bit in the beginning,

But I will go deeper in it right now.

So when you are empathic,

And I think to a certain degree,

Almost every person is empathic or at least has the capacity to be empathic.

A lot of people who are empathic actually teach themselves to shield themselves.

Because especially when you are,

If you are so sensitive to what is going on with other people that without even looking at them,

Just by entering a room,

You can feel already what is the mood.

You can feel what is going on.

You can feel if someone is hurting or not.

That can be overwhelming.

And actually I think that we all as human beings have this innate possibility,

This innate capacity to feel empathy.

But it can be overwhelming.

And especially when you're a kid and when you make a lot of decisions not so conscious,

Just based on how you're feeling and because you want to feel good.

We can teach ourselves,

Not so consciously,

That we can shield ourselves to not be empathic anymore.

Not to feel what other people are feeling because it's simply too much for us.

And then there are people who do not learn that but stay empathic because they realize that by sensing what is going on with other people and anticipating on that is actually giving them something.

It means that the people that they care for are really happy that you,

That speak about you,

That you are tuning in so well to them,

For instance.

Or you realize that you can avoid conflict by sensing what is going on and already start to tiptoe around problems,

To tiptoe around the mood of someone else to make sure that there will be harmony.

This is something that I've been always really,

Really good at.

And so there are many more.

Sorry,

I just saw that someone has a bad connection.

I hope that is solved by now.

All right,

So sorry for my eye just caught that.

So when you're empathic,

And I think we all are to a certain degree,

And if you feel you're not empathic,

Then probably you have shielded yourself to not feel too much what is going on with other people and to the degree that you are so open,

So sensitive to other people that you can call yourself like an empath.

Like I know that many of you also are feeling that.

But the thing is,

When this empathy starts to stand in our way to be gentle with ourselves,

Then we have a real problem.

Because one of the things that comes with empathy is that you really want to care for other people.

So many people who are empathic or have the capacity or are really feeling that and are willing to do something with that are also people who are caregivers.

And I'm not just meaning for their children,

But also for other people in the society or maybe in your job or being a listening ear to all your friends.

Then whenever they have a problem,

You're the one that they're calling or you're the one that they're visiting.

There's so many things that you can think of where empathy is present in your life and can overshadow your own needs and desires.

And I think if this is you,

That it's really smart to take a look also at what it gives you.

So I was just speaking about how important awareness is of what is going on within us.

And with this process,

When you start being so gentle,

You might have experienced this by yourself,

You also become aware of all the things that live within you.

Those voices that might be harsh or critical,

Who are coming from a time that you were not so aware of what was going on.

So empathy is something that sticks because people like us when we are empathic,

Because people who are empathic always understand what is going on with someone else or want to understand what is going on with someone else,

Want to be there for them,

Want to uplift them,

Want to hold them,

Want to comfort them,

Want to make them feel better.

And who doesn't want a friend or a spouse or a parent or a child or a colleague or a boss like that,

Who just wants to take care that we feel good?

Everyone would like that.

The problem is that if you are such a person,

It's really easy to deplete yourself because a lot of people sense that you are the person,

You are the go-to and that is what they will do and you might have learned that people like you when you are empathic,

When you give them what they need in that moment.

So that is why my question is,

If you are empathic,

The very first step is to ask yourself,

To tune in and ask yourself,

What does my empathy give me?

What does my empathy give me?

What is my benefit from being empathic?

Is it because people like me?

Is it because,

Well maybe you can tell me if you are here.

Okay,

That's more,

Okay,

So what is it for you?

It's a hard question.

It might be that you think,

Well I'm just a very nice person and I like to be a nice person.

That's a great answer.

But if you like to be a nice person and you notice that sometimes you do not get to be there for yourself,

Or you don't get the rest or the relaxation or the comfort that you also need,

Then empathy defies your self-gentleness and in that moment it is important to start to understand where you might cross on your own boundaries,

Not knowingly,

Maybe not even feeling that you are crossing your boundaries until those boundaries are so far behind you you cannot even see them anymore.

When that happens,

Then it's really important to start to see,

What is it giving me?

Because in that answer lies a very important truth for you.

When you understand what being empathic for other people while crossing your own boundaries,

While crossing your own needs for replenishment or losing energy,

When you look at what it's giving you,

You might want to start to search what you can give to yourself so that you do not need that whole dance with other people where you are empathic and they are grateful for your help so that you can feel better about yourself and therefore you will again cross your own boundaries and deplete yourself.

Do not be self-gentle to yourself and give all your gentleness to other people rather than to yourself.

Can you follow what I'm saying?

So let me try to say it again,

Maybe in a little bit simpler way.

Being self-gentle means that you prioritize yourself first to feel good.

It means that you take care that you understand what it is that you need now to feel good.

And with good I do not mean that with a big smile you're dancing on top of the hills and everything is beautiful.

With good I mean that you do not struggle with yourself,

That you're not tired,

You do not go on while you're tired.

It simply means that you find that balance within yourself,

That you feel that if something happens that you're resilient to deal with that.

And when you feel that when you're tired you can go to sleep.

Basically that you can honor what is going on within you and you can give yourself what it is in that moment.

That's one part.

So when you are empathic and there are people who are relying on your empathy and there is this dynamic that you are the savior.

You are the savior of their lives or you are the one to go to if you want to feel good or you are the one who to go to when they need some comfort.

And when this is a process dynamic that you have with people then there probably will be more people who will rely on this.

And this is perfectly fine especially if there is a balance in a relationship where you can give this to each other and one is there for the other one and then the other way around.

I do not mean it in a tit-for-tat way but just in a very organic moving up and flow way.

But if there's a relationship where you are the one who is taking care of others whether it is physically or mentally or just by listening or by supporting in all kinds of things and the other one is always relying on you to do that.

Using your empathy as reason for doing that and they will not tell you that but they will give you compliments for the fact that you are there,

That you realize that you need to be there for them.

And you notice more and more that you are very tired but you are pushing through for those other people then something goes wrong there.

And then my question is,

What is the value for you?

What do you experience as a value?

What is this inner critic telling you like,

Oh well done,

Well done,

You went over all your boundaries but well done because?

And that because,

That is the reason,

That is the reason that is important for you to take a look at.

All right,

So this is basically the essence of how you could start to apply that self-gentleness to going over your boundaries,

To being there too much for others,

Even when you think that you want to do it but you cannot anymore because that is very often a consequence that you so often cross your own boundaries that it is really,

Really hard to know when you can and have to be there for someone else and when not.

Well,

The beauty is,

The beauty is that peace.

I see that you ask,

What were the questions,

Do I need to write them down?

You know what,

We will repeat this during the meditation because I am going to guide you in a meditation where you can research this for yourself and find out how it works.

All right,

So the beauty,

The good news is that when you learn to be self-gentle also in these relationships where your empathy is like a resource for others to use and you lose this resource,

When you stop this dynamic and you start being self-gentle and become aware of how this dynamic is helping you and limiting you and you become aware of when and how you want to be gentle with yourself,

The whole dynamic can change.

Because in this moment you become more aware of when you say yes and when you say no.

You become more aware of now it is time for me and when I am done with it then I can make time for you,

Which will give you a lot of clarity to communicate with the persons that are relying on this part.

So this is in relationships where that empathy is really like a dynamic,

A mechanism between two people.

So there is another aspect of being an empath and not being self-gentle and that is when you pick up on all the suffering,

You pick up on everything that is going on in the world,

The world at large or the world at small and then you see suffering around you or suffering in the world and you feel so bad about that,

That it is so foreign idea to you that you might want to feel good while other people are suffering or having a hard time.

So when that happens,

Self-gentleness is also a really,

Really great thing.

And also here it actually has the same essence that when you deplete your energy for other people,

Which also means that when you see other people that are suffering and you are also suffering with them because it feels fair,

Right?

It feels fair when you are empathic,

It feels fair if someone feels bad that you also feel bad.

So your best friend has a broken heart,

How could you feel good if she has that broken heart,

Right?

It feels wrong when you are empathic that you would feel good while someone that you care for or people that you care for are not feeling good.

And this is a really hard part when you are empathic,

But also here it is really,

Really important to take care of yourself.

And therefore there is another question and that is when you see someone suffering and you start to suffer with them,

Can you then actually be there for them?

It might give them a sense of belonging when you start to suffer with them,

When you cry together,

When you have the same pain together,

But it also keeps you together in the suffering,

In the pain.

But if you can look at someone who is suffering and of course listen to them,

Be there for them,

Comfort them,

But also remain in your own balance,

Remain in your own gentleness for yourself,

Then you can give so much more.

So I want to stress here the difference between empathy and compassion.

So with empathy you feel what other people are feeling.

With compassion you observe and see what someone is feeling.

You understand how hurtful it is for them,

But you do not have to feel it.

And when you can come to that position,

You keep your own power and actually you can be of way better help to them than when you are suffering with them.

Because as you might know,

When you are suffering just from yourself,

Everything shuts down.

You get in a stress response or you get into a lot of crying,

Old thoughts might be triggered,

Old wounds might be triggered,

And this blocks you from seeing solutions,

Connecting to this innate power of you that is love.

When you manage to help yourself,

That you can be compassionate towards those,

Then you remain in your power.

You remain in connection with that heart of yours that feels so much love,

That has so much love.

And from there you find the words that will comfort,

You find the sparks of light that the other person might need to listen,

To be happy,

To be inspired,

To feel a little bit better from how they were feeling before.

So I think this is a,

How long am I in half an hour story?

To tell you first that it's really beautiful if you're an empathic person,

Because it means that you have let sensitivity in your life.

And being sensitive is,

I spoke about it more often,

Is an important part of being human.

And we live in a society where sensitivity is not always appreciated.

At least I,

Especially as a kid,

But also as an adult,

I've heard many times that I was too sensitive.

It's only recent years that I started to embrace that I'm sensitive,

Realizing that it's a quality,

It brings with so many great things,

Especially the opportunity and possibility to tune in with myself and to realize what is going on.

So yeah,

I think I've said everything that I wanted to say.

I do not know if there are more questions about this.

Cherry is going to dinner,

Yes.

The people-pleasing tendencies is Petter Brook,

Yeah,

That's very connected of what I said,

Right?

Yeah,

All right.

So,

Oh,

Thank you so much,

Peace.

Happy to hear that.

So let's meditate on this together,

Right?

What I want to do is to guide you in a visualization where we will together explore these questions and empower ourselves a little bit to start to feel that it is okay to first take care of yourself,

To feel good.

When you start to do this and when you try to do this as radically and consistently as you can,

Then over time it will become easier and easier and you will notice that you start to relate in a different way to other people and they will appreciate it.

Maybe not at first.

Maybe at first you will get some pushback,

But then you know when you get some pushback that you're actually doing it right because you are changing the dynamics where someone is counting on you to do things and you are trying to fulfill those expectations and you say,

Hey,

Those expectations are not mine anymore.

I have different expectations of myself.

I now first have to feel,

Make sure that I feel good enough,

That I have energy,

That I have slept well,

That I can feel joy of being there for you rather than feeling that I have to be there for you.

And what today's story is about,

That empathy is very often seen as something good between people in a relationship and I think it is,

But it can be misused also in a certain way without us even knowing that we are misusing this empathy to get what we want or to cross our own boundaries.

It might also work the other way around,

Right?

There might be people in your environment who are very empathic and this dynamic might also apply,

But then in the other direction,

That's also something to research.

All right,

So let's begin.

So let's first make sure,

Very self-gentle,

That you're comfortable.

So you can lie down or you can just sit.

But when you sit,

If you like to sit up straight and it feels good,

Then do that.

But if that is a bit hard for you,

Then just lean against the back of your chair.

Perfectly fine,

Wherever you're sitting.

Now let's first close our eyes.

Put your hands in your lap.

Maybe you can put your palms to the sky.

It might feel a bit open and vulnerable,

But it's okay.

You're safe here with me and with all those other lovely people.

And just realize for a moment how your body is feeling.

So how your feet are resting on the ground.

Your buttocks on the seat.

You can feel your back against the back of your chair or on the mattress if you're lying down.

Do you feel any tension somewhere in your body?

If you do,

Bring all your attention there.

You can do so by even making more tension.

And then just let go.

So if you have tension in your shoulders,

Just pull them up.

And let go.

If you have tension in your belly,

Then just pull your belly in.

If you have tension in your jaws or your forehead,

Then just make a lemon face.

Now take a moment again to tune in into your body.

And feel if it's a little bit more relaxed than before.

All right,

Now let's bring our attention to the here and now,

To just being here for a moment.

We're going to do so by just using our sense of hearing.

So when you breathe in,

You just start to listen in your environment.

What are the sounds around you?

You don't have to change them.

You don't even have to name them.

Just listen to what you're hearing.

Go ahead.

And when you notice that you are distracted by something,

That's okay.

That's just your mind who hasn't relaxed yet.

When you notice that,

You just tell yourself,

What am I hearing?

And you listen.

All right,

With your next in-breath,

What are you seeing with your eyes closed?

Yeah,

You can see with your eyes closed.

Maybe it's just light or some moving colors.

Maybe it's immediately your fantasy is working.

Maybe you feel sunlight shimmering through your eyelids.

You don't have to change anything.

Just observe what you're seeing with your eyes closed.

All right,

And with your next in-breath,

Bring your attention to your sense of touch.

So you're probably feeling your feet on the ground,

Your buttocks on the seat.

But can you also sense more subtle touch,

Like how your shirt is sitting on your skin?

Can you feel the air on your cheeks?

Just bring your attention back to your body for a moment.

Can you notice that there's even less tension than when you started,

Even if it's just a little bit less?

All right,

Now I want you to bring your attention to the middle of your hand.

Really in the middle of your hand.

And if you find it hard to bring your attention,

Then just imagine that there's a little light burning in the middle of your hand.

And you,

With your inner eye,

You're watching this.

And if you're not such a visually fantasizing person,

Then just use your fantasy to be aware of the middle of your head.

Maybe you just sense it or just know it.

Or maybe you hear a song that is playing in the middle of your head,

And you're just listening to that song right there.

Use your fantasy in the way that you always use it.

Now,

The attention that you have in the middle of your head,

To that point,

To that light,

To that song,

That is now really,

Really slowly dropping down.

It's almost like a feather.

Well,

You know when you let a feather go,

It just really,

Really slowly,

Slowly goes to the ground.

And this is how your attention moves from the middle of your head into the inner parts of your mouth.

Now it goes into your neck.

Very slowly and gently it descends into your chest.

Exactly.

You're doing it very well.

And now it rests in the middle of your chest,

In your heart space.

You can help yourself by putting your hands on your heart space,

On the middle of your chest,

And try to keep the attention to your heart.

Again,

If you find it hard,

And just imagine there something there,

A light,

A token,

A song,

A sound,

A knowing,

Whatever helps you to be there with your attention.

And when you notice that you are distracted,

That your mind is wandering,

And that is okay,

Your head is made to think it's okay.

It's not a problem.

Just the moment that you realize you gently bring your attention back to that spot in your heart.

That's all you need to do.

And if you have to bring your attention back every five seconds,

That's okay.

You cannot do this wrong,

Really.

You're doing it really,

Really well.

It just means that there's a lot of distraction within you,

And that's okay.

That's okay.

You're doing it really,

Really well.

Just bring your attention back to your heart.

You might notice when you are there,

That you might experience a feeling or an emotion.

Maybe you feel like smiling.

Maybe you feel like crying,

Or maybe you suddenly realize that there is an emotion.

Maybe you feel bored.

Maybe you feel grief.

Maybe you feel joy.

Maybe you're cranky.

It doesn't matter.

Whatever it is,

Just be aware that this is where you are at right now,

And that is okay.

It's okay to feel like this,

Whatever it feels.

Whether it feels unpleasant or pleasant,

Whether it feels neutral or heavy,

It's okay.

It's all okay.

It's all okay.

And if your emotion is unpleasant,

Then by all means,

Be gentle to yourself.

Feel how your hands are on your heart,

Or hug yourself.

Put your arms around yourself and just hug yourself.

Caress your cheek.

Tell yourself,

It's okay,

Darling.

It's okay.

I love you.

And you know that when you give this to yourself,

Your body doesn't realize that you are not someone else.

It just responds to your own kindness,

To your own gentleness.

That's something that you can use,

Right?

So whenever you have this unpleasant feeling,

Just be the parent to yourself that you always wished whenever you were feeling unpleasant.

I'm going to ask you a few questions.

And I will repeat every question twice.

And then I will be silent for a little bit,

So your answer can come.

The answer will not come from your head.

The answer will come from your heart.

And the beautiful thing of your heart is that it doesn't always speak in full sentences.

It doesn't always give you a logical explanation.

It can give you a word.

It can give you a vision.

It can give you a song.

It can give you a feeling.

It can give you an idea.

It can give you a joke.

It can give you an image.

It can give you anything.

And you will receive this answer.

Even if you don't understand what it means,

You just perceive the answer.

You're not going to overthink it.

You're not going to reject it.

You're not going to say,

Well,

I don't understand this.

It's okay.

The language of your heart is a language that you might have to learn a little bit more,

A little bit better.

But you will learn this.

I promise you.

All right.

Bring your attention back to your heart if it wasn't already there.

Tune in with this gentle,

Gentle feeling.

Here comes the question.

I will repeat it twice.

When I am empathic and therefore helping other people,

What does this give me?

When I am helping other people because I'm so empathic,

What does this give me?

And again,

Don't overthink it.

The answer that you get right now might be something you understand.

It might be also something that you don't understand.

But I promise you that will come later today or later this week.

You will,

It will fall in its place.

And I bet for many of you,

The answer might be something along the lines as,

Then I will feel safe.

When I can be there for other people,

I know that I'm safe because they will like me.

They will honor me.

They will thank me.

And I will be safe.

It might be not your answer,

But I know that for many of you,

This is an answer along these lines.

And that is okay.

When this is your answer,

You've learned already as a small kid that this was a really good way to go,

To be there for other people because you could sense them.

And that is okay.

That is okay.

So here comes the second question.

Why do I need this feeling?

Why do I need?

Why do I need this?

Why do I,

Every time when I feel someone is in need and I help them sometimes at my own expense and I know what it's giving me,

Why do I need this still right now?

Why do?

And again,

Don't overthink your answer.

It is what it is.

And if you don't understand it,

You will later on.

If you do understand it,

If it moves you,

If it makes you sad,

It's okay.

Take care of yourself.

And if the emotions are too unpleasant,

Too overwhelming,

Then just open your eyes and take a look at me.

And now you're safe.

Take a look at your room where you are and see that everything is all right.

Be gentle with yourself.

Also in this exploring process,

If you're not gentle with you,

Who is?

You can be gentle with yourself.

It's okay.

So whether you understand the answer or not,

That is okay.

I just want to give you one thought.

Might it be that some part of you needs some control over the situation and dynamic with other people?

And might this control come in the way that you've been dealing with it?

It's a familiar dynamic.

You know what is expected of you.

There cannot be any surprises.

And you might go over your own boundaries,

But you feel safe and you have control.

Maybe this is not your answer,

But I know this is the answer for many of you.

All right,

Now comes a really important question.

And again,

Don't overthink it.

Let yourself be surprised by the answer of your heart.

All right,

Here it goes.

I will repeat the question again.

What can I do right now to give myself that what I need so much without having to do things for other people?

How can I give myself this,

What I need right now?

It's okay.

If you realize that you need something from yourself,

That is really,

Really hard to give to yourself,

Or it might be something that you feel that you do not deserve,

Or it might be something that you feel that you do not have time for.

It is all okay.

You know now what it is.

You know now what it is.

And if the answer is still a bit abstract or a bit weird,

And you do not really understand what it is,

Then allow yourself to receive this as the answer and trust that it will become clear later on what it is.

You're doing it so well,

Really.

I'm so proud of all of you.

Well done.

All right,

Now,

Last question.

How can I make sure?

No.

How can I help myself?

To give this,

What I need,

To myself more and more so that I do not have to engage in unhealthy dynamics.

How can I help myself to give this to myself more and more so that I do not have to engage in unhealthy dynamics anymore?

All right.

Now,

This is an important answer,

Because it might be something really small.

It might be as simple as staying in bed five minutes longer in the morning.

It might be as small as taking an extra cup of tea before bed.

It might be something small as closing your phone when you are at work,

Or closing your phone when you leave your work.

It might be a sentence that you can say whenever you feel that you want to say no,

But you find it hard to say no,

And you will say this sentence instead.

Whatever it is,

It's all okay.

Now,

Let's close off with a small exercise.

So you still have your attention on your heart.

I want you to imagine now that the light that's placed in your heart is growing.

So just imagine that there is this beautiful light.

Give it the color of your liking,

And it starts to grow and grow.

It encompasses your whole heart.

It grows all into your chest,

Into your belly,

Into your arms,

Into your legs.

It grows really,

Really beautiful.

It now grows out of you,

And it is around you like you're in this big bubble of light.

And it feels really good to be in this bubble of light.

Let's expand it a little bit more so that it fills your whole room.

And now,

While you're sitting in this big bubble of light that came from your heart,

I want to tell you that this is your own love.

This is the love and the space that you make for yourself.

This is your room,

And you fill this right now with the love of your heart.

It fills the room with your light,

And you create this bubble for you.

And this is an exercise that you can do any moment.

You can just withdraw to the restroom,

If you like,

To just sit quietly.

Bring your attention to your heart.

Ask yourself what it is that you need in that moment.

And then just you expand this light,

And you make this bubble.

Because when you do this,

There is this room,

The room in your chest,

The room in your body.

This place is now for you.

You create your own bubble,

And you can stay here as long as you like.

And what you do here is just to have some fun with yourself.

You just enjoy this feeling.

You might imagine that you're like floating in the wind in this bubble,

Or maybe you're drifting on the ocean.

Maybe you just love this feeling of this expanding light from your chest.

If you want to play around,

You can even expand it to cover the whole planet,

To cover the whole solar system,

To cover the whole universe,

If you like.

You are that powerful.

You are that lovable.

You are that worthy.

You can take up all that space for you,

Whenever you like.

Because the beauty is,

When you learn to take up that space for you,

You will feel so much more energy.

You will feel so much more love.

And you will feel so much more inspiration to find the right words,

To find the solutions,

To find the help that others can benefit from without you depleting yourself.

Trust my words.

Being self-gentle is not selfish.

It's the opposite of selfish.

Self-gentleness is making sure that you are ready for whatever comes your way,

To deal with whatever comes your way in a way that you feel good about.

And when you stay in your power,

When you stay in that self-gentle power,

You find also gentleness for other people.

But it doesn't work the other way around.

Finding first gentleness for other people will mean that you will forget about yourself.

So you turn to yourself.

You bring out your light.

You take up that room.

And you make sure that you feel good first.

And then,

The world is open for whatever you want with it.

All right.

Now,

You could leave this bubble around you if you like.

You could expand it.

Or if you like,

You can also just pull it back to your heart.

Just knowing it is there and that you can use it whenever you want.

All right.

Now,

You can bring your attention back to your body.

Although I think you're still pretty good in your body.

But you know,

Feel your buttocks on the seat,

Your hands in your lap.

And I want you to take your time to open your eyes.

Don't open them immediately.

Bring the insights that you had with you.

Maybe you like to jot them down right after this.

Write down what you got,

What the answers were.

Maybe especially if you didn't really understand them,

Just write it down.

So that you keep it there.

And maybe that is also not necessary.

Maybe this practice was just enough.

We are all different people.

We all process these things.

But don't be afraid that you will forget about this.

Don't be afraid that,

Oh,

What I just did in the meditation,

I do not know exactly anymore.

Because the work you just did is really significant.

And whether or not you consciously remember this or not.

Your soul,

Your heart,

Your inner being will remember this.

And it will guide you.

You cannot expect that things are immediately right.

Immediately different and changed.

Because all of your life you've been doing it X.

And now we're going the other way around.

And we're doing it Z.

And that is okay.

It will just take some time.

It's okay.

You're doing it perfectly well.

All right.

Whenever you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

I see here,

Let's see.

Questions.

I don't know.

Can I scroll on this?

Ah,

Yeah,

Here.

Well,

Farah says,

I feel if I can help,

I should.

Otherwise,

I feel guilty.

Farah,

I hope that with everything I told you today.

You get a little shift in that perspective.

Because I understand what you say.

And that feeling of guilt is really hard to let go of.

So let me give you this thought.

We very often feel guilty because we think that other people will tell us that we are selfish,

Thinking of ourselves rather than of helping them.

If this is the situation for you,

Then contemplate.

Contemplate this question.

If someone would tell you that you are selfish for not being there for them,

Not taking care of them,

And they blame you for that,

Then who is selfish?

Is it you?

Or is it them?

All right.

Beth says,

I'm blank on the last two questions.

That is OK,

Beth.

Blank,

It just means that you are still processing the answers to the very first two.

And that might just take up all the energy.

It also might be that it's really hard for you to listen to,

What is it now that I need?

It also might be that you're a little bit too much in your head.

And that's OK,

Because you're probably used to doing it.

Everything is OK.

You cannot do this wrong.

What I would recommend you to do is to go more often to that tuning in process.

And I have here on Insight Timer a course,

How to Start Being Self-Gentle Today.

And I don't know if you have a premium account here on Insight Timer.

If you do,

I would recommend you to take it.

You can do all these courses,

Including this one.

It is the process of tuning in.

But if you do not have premium,

And you are only listening to the free tracks,

Then when you go to my track list,

You find there are also meditations called the Self-Gentleness.

There is an evening practice,

And a morning practice,

And a tuning in practice.

And these three practices,

They're not so long.

If you start to apply this to your life,

Try to tune in every day for at least once a day,

Then it becomes a more familiar process.

And then slowly over time,

You will start to connect with what it is that you don't want first,

What you don't need.

And that's already an eye-opener.

I don't want this.

I'm doing this already in my life,

But I don't want this.

That's an eye-opener.

And then the second step is,

But what do I want?

And now you stay blank there.

It's probably because you've been practicing a lot of un-Self-Gentleness.

And that's okay,

Because now you know,

Right?

Now you have some tools.

And be gentle with yourself in this process.

It's a lifelong work-in-progress process,

Really.

I'm on this already for years,

And I'm pretty good at Self-Gentleness,

But also I trip and fall.

I realize that I'm not Self-Gentle from time to time,

Maybe every day,

At least once.

The mastery is not in being Self-Gentle all the time.

The mastery is in realizing when you're not finding your way back there.

And that's a process that will take time.

You are right where you have to be,

And it will become better.

It will become easier.

It's okay.

Oh,

I love it that you like the meditation.

It's so good that you are here.

Thank you so much for joining me.

Let's see.

Christina says,

The things I need matter.

I will give more attention to this.

Yes,

Christina.

I love that.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Petter Brook says,

My message was to make creativity a daily priority.

For self-care and healing,

Being loved by,

Belonging to the cosmos.

I have to go now.

Oh,

I'm so happy to hear.

That's really,

Really great.

Okay,

Bye-bye.

You're not here anymore,

But I'm really happy to hear that.

Yeah,

I love that message,

To tune in and to realize that something creative is what will give her this,

What she needs,

Will give her the replenishment and the energy.

I really love that.

Salvatore says,

Brilliant.

I know my boundaries.

Oh,

That's excellent.

I'm happy to hear.

That's really great.

Kristen,

It was important for you to hear today.

Well,

I'm so happy that you were here,

Kristen,

That you heard this.

Thank you for sharing that.

Noni says,

I feel profound permission to free myself from Pleasure's Prison.

Ooh,

That's a nice alliteration.

The Pleasure's Prison.

I might use that once in my programs.

The Pleasure's.

.

.

Please,

Pleasure's Prison.

Sorry,

Pleasure's Prison.

Pleasure Prison.

The Pleasure's Prison.

I love that.

I read it right,

But I said it wrong.

You're most welcome,

Noni.

Thank you for sharing that.

Hi,

Luanne.

Oh,

You made it.

I thought you couldn't make it today.

I'm happy that you are here.

It's definitely something to work on,

Yes.

You're most welcome,

Farah.

Noni,

You signed up for the premium.

I love that.

So I really hope that you will listen to my course first.

Start being self-gentle today.

It's really lovely.

And if you have questions,

Just ask them there in the classroom,

And I will come back to you and answer them.

Kim says,

People-pleasing has been a lifelong coping mechanism to feel worthy of others' love.

I'm only recently recognizing how problematic this is.

Perfect message,

Perfect timing.

Thank you.

Oh,

I love that,

Kim.

Yeah,

It is a lifelong coping mechanism.

I think that everyone who is a people-pleaser recognizes that.

And I'm happy that you saw that,

And I hope that you got some insights with this practice also.

Tuning in practice,

And this is where I'm going to close off.

The tuning in practice is such an important practice.

It's the foundational practice of self-gentleness.

That is in the course that I just mentioned,

Start Being Self-Gentle Today,

Where you learn that foundational practice.

And you start to do it,

And then you do it for just,

Let's say,

30 days,

And you start to feel a shift.

And sometimes it becomes harder,

Because when you become more sensitive what is going on,

You also become sensitive to the friction that you might feel,

Or the unpleasantness of that you're doing things that you actually don't want to do.

But just be there.

Be gentle with yourself.

Don't rush the process.

It will be okay.

And if you follow that course,

You can always ask me questions,

And I will answer you in the profile on Insight Timer.

You can find my free track list.

You can find my courses.

You can also find a link for a free self-gentleness guide that you can download.

There are all kinds of things that I can help you with.

And I just want to say that it was really great having you all here.

I love doing this Insight Timer Lives.

And I will be back here on the 13th of June,

The second Friday of June.

And the topic is,

What's your story holding you back?

That's the actual title.

What's your story holding you back?

What's a story that you're telling yourself to hold on while it's also holding you back to actually be the authentic person that you are,

That can listen to what your wants and needs are?

So you're most welcome,

Susanne.

I love what Luanne is saying here.

The premium membership to Insight Timer is a priceless gift to yourself.

I fully agree,

Luanne.

Thank you for that one.

So yeah,

I love to laugh.

Thank you.

Sending you so much love.

I had a great time with you guys.

And I'm happy that I could be of some help and giving you some insights.

I hope to see you here also next month and have a lovely and self-gentle weekend.

Sending you all so much love.

Bye-bye.