So a friend of mine recently found out that her sister has cancer.
As you can imagine,
She was really distraught.
She felt sadness.
Fear.
And some confusion.
These are all emotions that make complete sense.
When life suddenly changes in painful or frightening ways,
Our nervous system reacts.
We can feel overwhelmed.
Our minds react.
Our hearts react.
This is all part of being human.
And then during our conversation,
I noticed these two thoughts quietly showing up.
Underneath all that pain.
And these two thoughts,
I see them,
Or I've seen them often in my work with people in therapy.
And I know they tend to make our suffering even heavier.
The thing is,
Once you start noticing them,
You begin to see how often they show up.
In all kinds of circumstances,
Whether it's grief or anxiety or illness or heartbreak or Uncertainty.
Any kind of everyday stress.
And so what are these problematic thoughts?
Well,
They are.
.
.
This shouldn't be happening.
And I can't handle this.
And while both thoughts are deeply understandable,
Especially when you're in a moment of difficulty.
They intensify our suffering rather than help us move through it.
So there's a story that meditation teachers often share,
And it's called the parable of the second error.
The story goes like this.
One day the Buddha asked the student,
If a person is struck by an arrow,
Is it painful?
And the student,
Of course,
Says yes.
Then he went on to ask,
And if the person is struck by a second arrow is even more painful.
To which the student,
Again,
Said yes.
The Buddha went on to explain.
In life.
We can't always control the first arrow.
However,
The second arrow.
.
.
Is our reaction to the first.
And this second arrow is often optional.
So essentially.
What he was saying is that we are all going to feel physical and emotional pain as life inevitably brings difficulty.
And those unavoidable challenges are the first arrow.
Than when we resist or fight those challenges or difficulties.
Or when we doubt our ability to tolerate things.
It's as if we are firing a second arrow right into.
.
.
Our own open wound.
I'm Elizabeth Cronin,
A psychologist and a mindfulness meditation teacher,
And today I want to talk about those two specific thoughts.
Those two thoughts that really can intensify.
So let's start with the first one.
And that is,
This shouldn't be happening.
When something painful happens,
Our minds,
They naturally protest.
We will argue with our experience.
Think or say this is unfair,
This is wrong,
This wasn't supposed to happen.
And to be clear,
Sometimes things are unfair.
I mean,
Terrible things happen.
People get sick.
Relationships end.
We lose people we love.
We experience betrayal,
Rejection.
And we all have to live with uncertainty.
So the problem isn't that we notice something painful.
The problem is that resisting reality often adds a second layer of suffering.
When we convince ourselves that this shouldn't be happening.
We often get trapped in resistance.
And this can look like replaying the situation over and over again in our mind.
Having mental arguments.
Or determining we're going to get to the bottom of it,
Look for the cause,
Or figure out who to blame,
Whether it's ourselves or somebody else.
And all of these ways of reacting are tightening up against the situation.
And activating our nervous system and just making things harder.
Because reality doesn't change simply because we're willing to fight or because we make a protest.
I mean,
Even if you look at a lesser situation,
Like being stuck in traffic,
And then maybe having this thought,
None of these cars should be here right now.
As if the road belongs only to us.
Well,
We know that's not a rational thought.
And trying to fight the way things are.
Just becomes an internal battle that affects us.
And can lead to exhaustion.
So,
Mindfulness.
Offers us an alternative.
Because it encourages us to accept things as they are.
Without judging the situation or ourselves.
And when we're not judging something,
There is more acceptance.
Now,
This acceptance is not a signal that we approve.
And it's certainly not agreement.
Acceptance does not mean that we like what's happening.
It doesn't mean we're going to stop trying to improve things.
And it doesn't mean we become passive.
It simply means we stop using our energy.
Trying to change the reality of it and instead we channel it into things that are within our control.
Because when we finally acknowledge,
Okay,
This is what's happening right now.
We find our way out of fight or flight mode.
And our nervous system can begin to settle.
And then we will conserve energy.
We become more grounded.
Actually,
We just think more clearly.
And we can shift toward more helpful thoughts and take actions that will have better outcomes.
So as we shift into acceptance.
It's really important to take care of ourselves.
And a key way to do this is to pause and check inside and ask.
What is needed right now?
Or what can I do for myself or a loved one?
To make things just a little easier.
Because whether we believe it or not,
There are things we can do for ourselves or for loved ones.
Even when we're in the midst of adversity.
To make this shift,
We need to remember that while we can't control life's challenges,
The first arrows just show up.
We can control how we respond.
Okay,
Let's look at the second unhelpful thought.
Because when this one surfaces,
It really makes it hard to remember our personal power.
So here's the thought.
I can't take this.
And this implies that whatever it is we're facing is just too big to handle.
And the idea leaves us with the feeling that.
You know,
There's nothing we can do.
I mean,
We could make us feel hopeless or helpless.
And again,
This is a very understandable,
Incredibly human.
Respond.
Because when emotions become intense,
The mind often predicts catastrophe.
And then it will tell us that this is too much.
Or will have the thought,
I'm falling apart.
Or we start to doubt ourselves and we think.
I just can't survive.
And yet,
Very often,
What we're actually experiencing is not an inability to handle what showed up.
But just this feeling of overwhelm.
And there's a difference.
Because overwhelmed does feel unbearable.
But our emotions.
Sadness,
Fear,
Anger.
They're impermanent.
Emotions rise,
They reach a peak,
And then they shift.
And if you think back on your own life.
There's a good chance that you've already survived.
Many unbearable moments.
Whether it was a past.
Loss of some type.
Or something you were really afraid of.
Or some disappointment.
Or just the.
.
.
Day-to-day uncertainty we all have to deal with.
Now,
You may not have handled those moments perfectly.
I mean,
None of us do.
But somehow.
You move through them.
Maybe it was just one breath at a time.
One hour at a time.
And often we move through them with the support from others.
And that's really important.
Because strength doesn't always look like confidence.
I mean,
Sometimes it simply looks like.
Being present and being here for whatever shows up.
Strength can look like pausing to check in with yourself.
And to determine what might be of help.
So instead of automatically believing this,
Thought,
I can't handle this.
It's more helpful to guide our thoughts towards something useful.
Like recognition and acceptance.
Okay,
I'm dealing with this,
It's really hard.
Here we go.
This is feeling overwhelming,
But.
.
.
We're going to face this.
And you might even just acknowledge,
I don't like this.
This is painful.
Because there are really no right or wrong feelings and you are allowed to have an opinion.
You don't need to deny or minimize your distress.
You know,
There are ways to accept the situation.
And the emotions that come with it.
And this shift matters because the nervous system responds differently to a threat than it does to a thought that we believe is true.
So again,
Mindfulness can be helpful.
And it helps us notice.
These thoughts and recognize them as the second arrow that they are.
So like,
Instead of believing our thoughts,
We simply notice,
Oh.
There's that thought that this shouldn't be happening.
Or O.
There's the thought that I can't handle this.
And that little bit of awareness creates some space.
Space to breathe.
Space to remember what we can and can't control.
Space to choose a steadier and more compassionate way of relating to the current challenge.
And to ourselves.
However,
One of the most powerful things mindfulness teaches us is that thoughts are not facts.
Until we can't believe every thought we have.
So if you're going through something difficult,
Or you do in the future,
I hope you will remind yourself.
The pain is,
In fact,
Just a part of life.
And that additional suffering.
Often comes from the thought that we have about that pain,
Thoughts about resisting or fighting it.
So again,
The two most difficult thoughts that often come up are,
This shouldn't be happening and I can't handle this.
And while these thoughts are Understandable,
They're not helpful.
We become more empowered when we're able to notice when they show up.
And we take some time to offer ourselves some self-compassion.
So maybe the next time you're in a tough spot.
You can gently remind yourself.
This is hard.
And I can meet this moment one breath at a time.
Thank you for being here,
And as always,
Take care.
Take good care of yourself.
