There are so many things that we can't change.
We know this.
And yet it's so hard to accept and it causes us a lot of stress.
But thanks to research,
We also know that radical acceptance can be a powerful way to reduce the additional stress and the anxiety that shows up when we fight against things we can't change.
Studies on mindfulness-based therapies that include acceptance.
Have found that changing our relationship to difficult thoughts,
Emotions,
And circumstances can significantly reduce symptoms of anxiety and emotional distress.
So in this video,
We're going to take a closer look at that principle.
Sometimes the situation that we can't change is difficult or painful.
But then we add another layer of suffering by resisting that reality.
So here's what that looks like.
Things don't go well and,
We think,
This shouldn't be happening.
Or they shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't feel this way.
I should have known better.
And all of that resistance can keep our nervous system activated and our minds caught in rumination,
Blame,
Worry,
Or self-defense or self-criticism.
Radical acceptance asks us to do something very different.
It asks us to acknowledge and accept.
Whether it's being caught in traffic.
Having a flight cancelled.
Getting into an argument,
Or making any kind of mistake.
We can try reminding ourselves to just accept it.
This is.
What is happening right now.
This doesn't mean that we're going to like it or approve of it.
And it doesn't mean that we're giving up or giving in.
So what does it mean?
Radical acceptance is probably best known today through dialectical behavior therapy,
Or DBT.
It's a treatment approach developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan.
And acceptance is a central part of DVT.
And its ability to help people tolerate distress and respond more skillfully to a difficult or painful experience.
There's a short teaching story that I heard about that I think captures this idea beautifully,
So I'm going to share it with you now.
It goes like this.
A man was walking along one morning,
Completely absorbed in his thoughts,
When a child handed him a colorful flyer that said,
Come at 5 p.
M.
Sharp if you want to become enlightened.
At first,
The man laughed.
But as the day went on,
He kept thinking about it.
What would it be like to become enlightened?
Maybe all his problems would disappear.
Maybe life would finally become easier.
Eventually,
His curiosity got the better of him and he decided to go.
But he arrived late.
And when he knocked on the door and announced,
I'm here to become enlightened.
The person who answered the door looked at him and said,
You're late.
And shut the door.
The man was stunned and he knocked again.
The door opened.
Again,
He was told,
You're late.
And the door closed.
Now he became angry and he started thinking.
It's not my fault I was late.
Things had been busy at work.
There had been traffic.
I really tried hard to get here.
So with that,
He knocked again.
And once more he heard I'm sorry,
You're late.
At which point,
He got very activated and started talking very quickly.
He defended himself.
He explained everything.
He blamed the traffic.
And then he became increasingly frustrated,
Eventually begging.
And every time,
The answer was the same.
Girl 8.
Finally exhausted.
He decided to knock one more time.
This time,
When the door opened and he heard the same words.
You're late.
He simply said,
I am.
At this.
The men at the door smiled.
Opened the door wide and said,
Welcome,
Come in.
At this the man was confused and asked,
Why are you letting me in now?
And the doorman replied,
Because acceptance is part of the power.
To enlighten.
I love this story because I can really relate.
It's hard to let go of the habit of defending,
Explaining.
Justifying.
Minimizing.
And if we really pay attention.
We notice it's something we're likely to do on any given day.
Many things can go wrong.
And in this story,
The man was late.
That was his reality.
But instead of simply acknowledging what had happened,
His mind immediately began arguing with it.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't his fault.
There was traffic.
The doorman should be more understanding.
Reno,
I do this.
I think we all do this.
Because when something difficult happens,
The mind begins generating a commentary.
And without even realizing it.
We're thinking that This shouldn't be happening.
So now there's the pain of the difficulty in the moment.
And then the suffering that follows when we resist.
And that's an important distinction because pain and suffering,
They're not always the same thing.
With painful things.
There are experiences that we just can't avoid.
There are the inevitable losses,
Illnesses,
Conflicts,
Mistakes.
Uncertainty And of course.
People behaving in ways we wish they wouldn't.
But then.
.
.
There's the additional suffering created when we become locked in a battle with reality.
Once we start thinking any version of resistance such as This can't be happening.
I won't tolerate this.
If only this person would change.
If only I hadn't done that.
Why can't things be different?
We're increasing the level of pain that we experience.
And I do realize that sometimes things should be different.
But in this moment.
Often,
They aren't.
And that is where acceptance begins.
Radical acceptance means recognizing reality as it actually is right now.
Right here and now.
Radical acceptance means we don't waste precious energy fighting with the facts of the present moment.
One of my mindfulness meditation teachers who has influenced my understanding of this is the very popular Tara Brach.
She describes radical acceptance as a bird with two wings.
The first wing is mindfulness or awareness,
Which allows us to see clearly what is happening.
And the second wing is compassion,
Which allows us to meet what is happening with kindness rather than judgment.
And just as a bird needs both wings to fly,
We need both mindfulness and compassion for radical acceptance.
With the clear seeing of mindfulness,
We can recognize Ah,
This is disappointment.
This is anger.
I have made a mistake.
This situation is hard and outside of my control.
So that's clearly seeing the way things are.
And then when we bring compassion to that reality,
And we tell ourselves,
This is really hard for me.
Um,
Of course I'm struggling with this.
Or Is that easy to be human?
And will we remember?
I can meet myself with kindness while I figure out what is coming next.
And that combination of mindfulness and self-compassion can dramatically change the way we experience difficult moments.
Sotara Brock also writes about something she calls the trance of unworthiness.
And this too can come into play when we're struggling.
What she is referring to is that underlying feeling many of us carry that somehow we're just not quite enough.
You know,
Either not accomplished enough.
Productive enough.
Attractive enough,
Disciplined enough.
Not successful enough.
And when we live from that place.
We often believe if we could just control ourselves or control life a little better,
We might finally become worthy.
And this fear of feeling unworthy.
Can lead to thoughts such as if I just never make any mistakes.
If I can get.
.
.
Everyone to like me.
If I always say the right thing.
If I can just accomplish enough.
If I can keep everyone happy.
Then maybe,
Maybe I'll finally feel okay.
But those goals and that finish line just keeps moving.
And puts us under enormous unnecessary pressure.
Radical acceptance interrupts that cycle.
It says.
.
.
This is what is true right now.
And I don't have to reject myself.
Or the situation.
And I do want to be clear about something.
Radical acceptance does not mean that we approve of everything that happens.
It doesn't mean that we're going to allow people to mistreat us.
It doesn't mean ignoring injustice.
It certainly doesn't mean giving up.
Acceptance and taking action can exist together.
Imagine this.
You discover that someone has violated an important boundary.
Acceptance doesn't mean saying,
Okay,
That's fine.
No,
It might mean saying,
Please stop.
I feel disrespected.
This isn't okay.
This really hurts.
And with practice.
We might be able to say,
Now I need to pause or take a break.
Give me a little time so I can decide how I want to respond.
And that pause or taking a little time that really matters.
Because when we're fighting reality,
We often end up reacting,
It's like automatic.
We attack,
We defend,
We blame,
We withdraw.
We replay the situation endlessly in our minds.
But when we can remember to embrace radical acceptance.
We can create that little space.
And in that space.
We can ask.
Given that this is what is happening now.
What is the wisest thing I can do next?
That is very different from resignation.
And it's actually a more empowered position and can help us in a variety of situations.
And radical acceptance can also apply to ourselves.
Maybe you handled something badly.
Maybe you procrastinated.
Maybe you trusted someone you wish you hadn't.
Maybe you're dealing with difficult circumstances you never imagined and that are outside your control.
The mind may immediately say,
I shouldn't have done this.
I should have known better.
What's wrong with me?
And perhaps there is something to learn.
But punishing ourselves doesn't undo the past.
So instead,
We can try acknowledging.
I made a mistake.
I am late.
Yes,
I wish I had done something differently.
Yes,
This is where I am now,
In this life.
And then we move toward more helpful self-talk,
Such as,
What can I learn from this?
Or what needs my attention.
What is the next kind or wise action?
That is radical acceptance.
It's not passive.
It's not pretending that everything is OK.
It's simply ending the argument with the reality that is already here.
And the next time you notice yourself caught,
In thoughts like,
This shouldn't be happening or I shouldn't feel this way.
See if you can pause.
And instead of immediately trying to fix the moment,
See what happens if you quietly acknowledge.
This is.
What is happening.
And remember,
You don't have to like it,
You don't have to approve of it,
And you don't have to stay stuck in the difficulty.
So in closing,
I'd like to suggest that this week,
You see if you can notice a moment when your mind is arguing with reality.
Just one moment when you hear yourself thinking,
This shouldn't be happening or I shouldn't feel this way.
And instead of trying to immediately fix it,
See what happens.
If you go to that place,
This is what is happening now.
And then ask yourself,
What is the wisest and kindest next?
That's it.
It could be that simple.
So if this way of thinking is helpful to you.
I hope you'll join me for more conversations about mindfulness,
Self-compassion,
And living with greater awareness in the present moment.
Until next time,
Take care and be well.
