Today,
I want to talk about letting go and letting be,
And how both of these practices challenge our very human need for control.
Most of us like to feel that we have some influence over what happens in our lives.
We want to prevent painful experiences,
Avoid uncertainty,
And reduce the likelihood that something will go wrong.
We try to control circumstances.
Our emotions,
Other people's reactions,
And sometimes even the future.
For example,
You can see this clearly in parenting.
Watch a parent try to keep their children safe.
And realize how they try to prevent them from making mistakes or behaving badly or feeling embarrassed or experiencing any kind of pain.
And we do this even as we know it's not possible.
Now,
Of course,
Some degree of control is necessary and helpful.
I mean,
It allows us to plan,
To solve problems,
To protect ourselves,
And to take responsible action.
And our desire for control makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.
Human beings are wired to avoid pain.
Wired to move toward pleasure and to seek safety and predictability.
I mean,
This can minimize danger and keep us safe.
When life feels uncertain,
Having a sense of control can temporarily reduce our anxiety.
The problem arises when our desire for control becomes rigid.
And when we try to control things that cannot be controlled.
Or when holding on begins to cause more suffering than letting go.
So I want to share a teaching story called The Monkey and the Coconut Trap.
It goes like this.
Hunters hollow out a coconut and make an opening just large enough for a monkey to slide its hand inside.
And then they place a fragrant piece of fruit in the coconut.
The monkey smells the fruit and reaches in to grab it.
But once his hand closes around the fruit.
Its fist is now too large to fit back through the hole.
So the monkey's hand is then trapped in the coconut so he can't move away.
He can't even eat the fruit.
He's stuck.
And this is good for the hunters.
But all the while,
He could be free.
He could free his hand and himself at any moment.
All he needs to do is release the fruit.
Open his hand and pull it out.
But the monkey refuses to let go.
Somehow he believes he must hold on to the fruit at all costs.
And because he continues to cling to the fruit,
He remains trapped.
And the hunter is very happy.
In many ways,
We're not so different from the monkey.
We cling to expectations about how life should be.
We cling to our need to be right.
We cling to our plans,
Our identities,
Our relationships,
And outcomes.
We also hold tightly to the belief that if we worry enough,
Plan enough or think through every possible scenario.
We can protect ourselves and our loved ones from uncertainty.
But sometimes the very thing we are holding on to is the thing that keeps us true.
So enter mindfulness.
Mindfulness invites us to pause and ask.
What am I holding on to right now?
Is it helping me?
Or is it preventing me from responding clearly to what is actually happening?
Letting go does not mean giving up.
It doesn't mean becoming passive.
Or ignoring a problem,
Or pretending that we don't care.
Letting go means loosening our grip.
Shifting from resistance to a more effective response.
When we're in resistance,
We're often fighting the reality of the present moment.
Often we're thinking or telling ourselves things like,
This shouldn't be happening.
I can't handle this.
This has to change or stop right now.
And that resistance can create a sense of urgency and it can lead to reactivity.
And when we're caught in that state,
We don't usually make our best decisions.
Letting go creates a little space,
That space I like to talk about so often.
And it allows us to pause.
To regulate ourselves.
And to consider what responses might actually help.
And in that space,
We can ask ourselves.
What is within my influence?
What is outside my control.
And then we can reflect on whether or not we can trust ourselves to handle whatever uncertainty or disappointment or challenge is coming next.
Think about that monkey again.
It's so focused on holding on to that fruit that it can't respond to the actual problem of the moment.
It's Handice.
It isn't the coconut alone that traps him.
It's also the monkey's refusal to release what it's holding onto.
So mindfulness helps us recognize the thoughts,
The fears,
And the habits.
That may be keeping us trapped in much the same way.
Mindfulness shifts our attention away from trying to control everything outside of ourselves.
Toward being aware of.
And caring for what's happening within us.
We let go of the need to control an outcome or another person.
Or what's going to happen tomorrow.
Instead,
We're more aware of,
And we notice our reactions.
We calm our nervous system.
We choose how we speak to ourselves.
And then we decide what passion,
If any,
Makes sense.
Letting go is challenging and it takes practice.
A challenge for me.
And it often requires that we are able to let things be as they are.
Or that we can hold some things we'd rather let go.
So this is where letting be comes into play.
Letting go and letting be often go hand in hand.
They are related,
But they work in different ways.
When we let be.
We don't resist the urge to hold on.
Rather,
We resist the urge to push away.
Or voice.
Instead,
We simply allow an experience to be here in the present moment.
We don't immediately try to change it,
To fix it,
To run away from it,
Or to make it disappear.
And whether it's a thought,
An emotion.
A moment of uncertainty or physical pain or discomfort.
We just make space.
For each to simply be here.
Now,
We don't have to like it.
And we don't have to invite it to stay.
But for this moment.
We can stop fighting the fact that it's here.
We can let go of the resistance.
And like whatever's showing,
Just be here.
And this distinction is especially useful with physical discomfort.
We know.
About a wonderful program called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction,
Which was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn.
And it teaches people to relate differently to their pain.
The goal isn't necessarily to eliminate it through mindfulness or meditation.
The goal is to notice how fear tension and catastrophic thinking can add an extra layer of suffering on top of the sensations of physical pain.
Now,
We all know pain is difficult.
Our thoughts about pain can make pain even more difficult.
When we notice a sore knee,
And the mind moves rapidly from the pain happening now to a frightening imagined future.
We might find ourselves thinking.
What if this is serious?
What if this pain in my knee gets worse?
What if I can't do the things I enjoy?
What's going to happen next?
Of course,
Ongoing or concerning pain does require our medical attention.
And letting be doesn't mean we're going to neglect our hell or ignore things like a painful knee.
It simply means pausing long enough to tell the difference between the direct experience and that story the mind is building around it.
And the questions that seem to come one after another.
When we recognize the physical pain.
So it's really a way of seeing things more clearly.
And by gently letting be what's presence.
And intentionally letting go of the need to control?
Fight or run away.
So again,
We can ask ourselves.
Can I allow this moment to be as it is?
While also taking appropriate action if the discomfort continues.
Now,
The same is true emotionally.
Whether it's sadness,
Anxiety.
Disappointments.
Or fear.
We can remember that they arise.
And we often respond by asking.
How can I make this go away?
Well,
Mindfulness encourages us to just let things be.
And it offers a different question.
Can I allow this to be here?
Without abandoning myself.
Because.
.
.
Letting be is not resignation.
It's a willingness to meet reality before deciding what to do about it.
Sometimes action is needed.
Maybe you need to set a boundary or have a difficult conversation.
Change the direction you're going in,
Or seek medical care.
And sometimes there's nothing to do except to allow the moment to move through.
The wisdom is in learning to tell the difference.
The next time you notice yourself tightening around a situation.
Picture the monkey holding onto that fruit and ask.
What am I clinging to?
What am I trying to control?
What do I believe will happen if I loosen my grip?
You can also ask yourself.
What am I trying to avoid or run away from?
Is there something I simply need to let be?
At least for now.
You don't need to let go completely,
And you don't want to hold anything too tightly.
You can loosen your grip.
Take one breath at a time.
Peel your feet on the floor.
Pause and notice what's actually here.
You don't have to control everything in order to meet this moment just as it is.
Some things will ask for action.
And some things will just require patience.
And some things simply need to be allowed.
To be.
So that's the practice.
And there's no need to master anything at all.
Over time,
We can notice how we feel in any moment and consider whether letting go or letting be.
Might just make a difficult experience a little easier to navigate.
As always,
Thank you for being here,
For watching or listening.
I hope this video has been helpful.
And until next time,
Take care and be well.
