The Beautiful Gift of Kindness

In this podcast we the beautiful gift of kindness towards others and ourselves.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Over the years,

We've covered so many different aspects of happiness,

What helps our lives to go better,

To be more peaceful,

To be more happy.

And they're all important.

It's like having a beautiful diamond and they're facets and each facet looks directly into the heart of the diamond.

And though they have a different perspective on the diamond,

They're each equally important.

And the same is true in the topics we cover in regards to happiness,

From detachment to living in the present moment,

To negative visualization.

I mean,

The list has gotten quite long now that we're on our 151st episode.

But in today's episode,

I want to cover an aspect of how to be happy that may not seem directly correlated to happiness.

But what may surprise you is the incredible power of this practice.

And this practice is one of kindness,

Kindness towards ourselves and kindness towards others.

I'm not even 100% sure I can explain why it's so important.

But what I can do is encourage us after we listen to this episode,

To start practicing kindness,

And then see how beautiful,

How quickly our hearts find that peace,

Find that happiness when we are more kind.

And perhaps a good place to start in regards to kindness is what happens when we're not kind.

I think we'll find that people that aren't kind,

That try to hurt others,

That have a long history of abuse towards other people and themselves,

Are very unhappy people.

And if you don't believe me,

I like to do this test.

Just try to find the person that you grew up with,

That you knew as a young person was not very kind,

That was mean,

A bully,

But a bully to the extreme case,

A truly cruel person.

And then find out how their lives turn out.

See if you can hunt them down through the internet now,

Or through friends or family.

Or you may be able to think of someone that you knew growing up was not very kind.

And then look,

How did that turn out?

Always,

And I truly mean always,

Unless they've done some radical transformation,

It just doesn't turn out well.

I think where we get confused about it is from two sources.

One is anything related to the media,

Because the media,

Including movies,

Television,

The news,

Shows people doing awful things to others without seemingly having any consequences to that behavior.

But remember,

That is,

Of course,

The media.

And I think they rarely go into detail about the consequences of these people's behavior,

Particularly how unhappy they are.

I think that takes work.

I think that takes a lot of investigation.

And I think that's why we're confused on the second front.

The second front is we may know people,

A relative,

A boss,

A neighbor,

Who just seems cruel.

And from the outside,

We just don't see any consequences to their behavior.

I mean,

They may get in trouble,

People may not like them.

But we can't tell if they're happy or unhappy.

It's just too hard to tell.

I mean,

Mind you,

I could spend perhaps several hours,

If not days,

Giving you example after example of people that are cruel and how it makes them very unhappy.

I could.

But again,

You may not believe that.

The person you're going to believe the most is yourself.

So what I want to suggest you to do is reflect on your own life and think about times in your life when someone hurt you.

I think a big example of this is in a relationship.

Most of us have been in relationships where the other person did something that caused us a lot of pain.

And sometimes,

Of course,

Not always,

And many of us may have never done this,

But sometimes I think when we go through those times,

We lash back out at the other person in very cruel,

Painful ways.

And today with the internet and every way we can connect through social media,

We can lash out publicly to people and really let them know how much we hate them and we wish them ill will.

But now be truthful here because it really matters that we're truthful.

If we go back to that time,

And though at the time it may have felt really good to do what we did,

At that time when we did that behavior,

Were we truly happier?

We may have felt a lot of satisfaction,

Even pleasure in hurting the other person,

But I bet if we really looked at our lives,

It wasn't the peak of our happiness in our lives at that time.

We weren't just naturally happy without substances or without numbing our feelings.

It just wouldn't have been and probably wasn't a very happy time of our lives.

Again,

There was a satisfaction in the revenge,

But I doubt we put our head down at the end of the day and said,

I love myself.

I love my life.

If we're honest,

I think we would have felt a lot of pain and often when we hurt another person,

Again,

I know I keep saying this,

But if we're honest,

I think later there's often a lot of guilt over that.

I've seen it over and over and over again that revengeful,

Mean people are just incredibly unhappy.

There's not any joy in them and they really struggle with life.

They often struggle with suicidal ideation.

They often struggle with addictions.

Their lives truly are not very happy and we're listening to this podcast because we want to have happy,

Peaceful lives.

Now I know no matter how long I go on,

People are going to disagree with this and it may be time for you just to say,

I disagree,

Dr.

Puff and we can do that.

But if you're still with me,

If you think,

Well,

Maybe he has some points here.

I kind of remember people that I've known that were cruel and they didn't seem very happy to me or if I were them,

I sure wouldn't be very happy.

And I also remember lashing out at my kids or my lover or my family member and I didn't feel very good after I said those words.

At the time it felt,

But later I felt ashamed of what I said.

I think that's the more natural consequence of cruel behavior.

So what does kindness do for us?

How is kindness helpful?

Well,

Here's what I've done.

I've traveled the world.

I've studied history and I really have looked at thousands and thousands of people's lives and tried to find the healthiest,

Happiest people I can find on the planet and I have met some amazing people.

And I would say categorically without question,

The people that I find lives are going the best,

Truly have beautiful,

Peaceful,

Happy lives,

Are incredibly kind people.

They're kind towards others and they're kind towards themselves.

They really are the opposite of very unhappy people who tend to be cruel,

Tend to be mean.

Maybe they're not mean towards others,

But they're often very mean towards themselves and any form of cruelty leads to unhappiness.

In the same way,

Any form of kindness towards others or ourselves leads to happiness.

And to understand this is actually quite simple.

We like nice people.

We do.

We don't like the jerks.

We don't.

We like gentle,

Kind,

Loving people.

They're just fun.

They're just very enjoyable to be around and we like hanging out with them.

We may not have very many friends like that,

But the ones that we really meet that are like that,

We just enjoy them.

So guess what?

If we are one of those people,

We're going to enjoy ourselves by being kind towards others and kind towards ourselves.

It's going to make it that we like to be with ourselves and find a lot of joy in being who we are because we're kind.

Kind people are a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure to be around because you don't have to worry about them hurting you.

You don't have to worry about them attacking you.

You just don't have to worry about them.

They're kind.

And because they're kind,

They really are a joy to be around.

And in the same way,

If we're kind,

We'll find that our lives are quite joyful.

So if you're still with me and if you think,

Well,

Maybe he has a point here.

How do we pragmatically live a life of kindness?

Well,

The first person we have to be kind to is ourselves.

And if you remember a very recent episode I talked about when we mess up,

The one thing we can say is,

What can I learn from this?

Because the truth is we are going to make mistakes.

Sometimes we are going to hurt other people.

Sometimes we're going to do some very silly things.

And the great thing about being kind towards ourselves is we're not excusing our behavior.

We're just saying,

Okay,

I do want to change this.

And I like that idea of just saying,

What can I learn from this?

Not calling myself names because that's not kind.

And if we say,

What can I learn from this?

We're going to have a lot better chance of stop doing it in the long run because kindness is a lot more motivating than cruelty.

So if we adopt a kindness towards ourselves,

We have a much higher probability of improving our behavior.

And the second thing that's going to happen is we're just going to feel better because we too now are around a kind person,

Namely our own thoughts.

We're going to stop attacking ourselves because we are always our harshest critic.

No matter what other people do,

We are typically hardest on ourselves.

So why don't we adopt a sense of kindness?

Because I think we can do that every day throughout the day when we mess up,

When we do something wrong.

Let's be kind to ourselves about it and say,

Okay,

That's okay.

I'm going to learn from this.

I'm going to grow from this and put a lot of things in place to make sure we keep learning and keep changing it so we don't keep doing it.

But at the same sense,

We're going to be kind towards ourselves.

And no matter how many times we mess up,

We'll keep learning,

We'll keep growing,

And we'll keep being kind towards ourselves.

Now,

The second pragmatic part of kindness is of course being kind towards others.

And this one,

I think if we do it can have such positive impact on our lives.

And how it works is this.

Of course,

We're going to be kind,

But here's really what it's going to look like.

Someone's going to do something to us and we're going to want to lash out.

And what we're going to do instead is we're going to set boundaries,

Not allowing them to keep doing it.

But what we're not going to do is we're not going to kick them back because they kicked us metaphorically.

We're going to love them back and be kind to them back.

Because even though that's very,

Very hard to do,

Metaphorically turning the other cheek,

But it's really not turning the other cheek.

It's more pulling the cheek back and saying,

Oh,

I'm sorry.

Did that cause you to be upset?

Or how are you doing?

Because it seems like it's a hard day today.

Or,

Wow,

What's going on here?

Is there a way we can make this better?

Again,

Do you hear how every single one of them has a very softness to it and a sense of kindness to it?

It's about loving the other person,

Even when they really mess up.

Because if we're able to love them,

Then of course we'll be able to do the same things to ourselves when we mess up.

Because we do,

And they did.

And kindness is a great way to treat other people.

But,

And I do mean a big but,

It is very hard to do.

But,

And I do mean a big but,

It has huge positive consequences if we can learn this skill.

I mean,

Huge.

You're just going to feel really good inside when you start treating people with kindness.

I mean,

You're just going to really like it.

And the person that's going to prove it to you is you.

I mean,

Get out there and with that world,

Interact kindly,

Shower it with a lot of love.

Because when we do,

I really,

Really deeply believe after so many decades of studying what works,

What makes our lives go well,

Is that when we're able to develop that skill,

Like,

Wow,

Our lives go so well.

It's very hard to do,

Like I said.

But it is a skill that any of us can cultivate.

But what happens is we do like to get even.

We like to hurt people that hurt us.

And even if we don't like to externally hurt them,

We really like to hurt them with our thoughts.

But I think what we need to work towards that will find a lot better consequences too,

Is kindness.

This is something I've actually had to grow into myself.

When I wrote my first book,

It was about anger management.

And I advocated never to take our anger out on other people.

But I did suggest a lot of way to take it out on inanimate objects and in our thoughts.

And now,

Though that's a great tool for healing,

I focus more on really working towards keeping our thoughts kindly towards ourselves and towards others.

It really is a beautiful way to go.

And if we are seeking happiness,

Deep,

Lasting happiness,

We need to be kind.

And in my own life,

What this looks like is throughout the day,

As I have interactions with other people and myself and my thoughts,

I'm watching them.

And I'm asking myself,

Am I being kind?

And it doesn't really matter what the circumstances are.

I mean,

Of course,

I'll set boundaries with someone who's being unkind towards me.

But what I care about is my response to him or her,

Not what they did to me.

Again,

That's very important.

It's kind of irrelevant what they're doing to me.

What's relevant is,

Am I being kind back?

Because that's what matters to me.

And if I am,

Though I don't do it perfectly,

But when I am,

I do find it's a good day.

It just feeds my happiness and peace meter.

It keeps us pinged towards the right side,

Where it's highest.

And I think you will find the same.

And I'd love for you to give it a try.

Just try it out for a little while.

Watch your thoughts.

And when you see someone that typically you would judge in your head,

Stop that and change it.

And think about something beautiful about that person.

And when a thought,

An ugly thought comes up towards yourself,

Again,

Watch it,

Change it,

And use that phrase,

What can I learn from this?

How can I grow?

And if someone lashes out at us,

Instead of lashing back,

See if we can perhaps apologize or set boundaries and be kind back.

Kindness,

I deeply,

Deeply believe is a key factor of happiness.

And again,

The best way to test it out is be more kind and see if life doesn't go a whole lot better.

I have found in my life,

The more kind I get,

The happier,

The more peace I get inside.

So it's my goal.

It truly is my goal to be more kind.

And may we all in our lives strive for that.

Because I think when we do,

We get the consequence of peace and happiness,

Which we can all have.

And kindness is one of those facets that point directly at happiness.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter.

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Rrally enjoyed the messages in this talk. Easy to listen to, great voice and great tips to put into action. Thank you Namaste. 🤗

A wonderful talk, thank you!

I like it very much thank you. Will listen again xx

There’s a lot of wisdom here, as well as a couple of useful “go to” phrases that if we remember to use in the moment would go a long way. Thank you!

Such a good message to strive towards. I love the important concept & am encouraged & challenged by your words. Thank you. 🙏💞💫

Absolutely enjoyed this podcast! I’ve always been a firm believer that love heals All. Turn the other cheek has always been my Practice. The world needs more love! Thank you for sharing this very informative podcast! Will definitely share. You rock Dr!!❤️❤️❤️🙏❤️❤️ Namasté

Inspiration! 🙌🏼

I will practice kindness in all the ways that I can. Ase'

I have found that being kind to self is an amazing gift. Your soothing voice and awesome words honesty describe how kindness literally leads to happiness.💕🔥🐠dls

"getting even" leaves a lingering stench in my mind. strong Boundaries ( saying No without guilt, protecting my space/peace) are the kindest to myself

Good advice about being kind. Thank you for these good reminders.
🌺🦋🙏🏼💖

Very good and I would like to hear joy elevated above happiness in a talk like this. To me happiness is man-made or elusive, conditional. Joy is from elsewhere. It overcomes everything. Thank you for the conversation🙏🏻✨✌🏻

Awesome and a great reminder why it is certainly not cruel to be kind!

Thank you and blessings. 🙏

I believe what you are saying is true! It is a spiritual practice in and of itself! AND, sadly I recognize the human side when I'm hurt by someone my knee jerk response is I want to hurt them back! I will make it a point to stop and remember to be kind to myself and others! Thank you!