Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Kindness.
It is such a beautiful quality,
Though not easy to do and not always easy to find.
But for me,
It is the important quality that I want to develop throughout my life and keep getting better at.
If I had any goal that I really adhere to,
It would be the goal to be more kind.
If I have any religion that I deeply adhere to,
It would be the religion of kindness.
Kindness is such a pinnacle part of helping our lives go well and making the world a better place.
And it's just utterly beautiful when we can act in kindness of all the human achievements in life.
I really believe kindness is the greatest.
I know we've all heard of Mother Teresa,
And I even had the privilege of meeting her briefly in India many years ago.
But do you know why she won the Nobel Peace Prize?
And why so many people look at her as a beautiful saint of kindness?
It's because she would go on the streets of India,
She would find people who were dying,
Both adults and children,
And she would take them back to her center,
And she would hold them and either help them get better or hold them until they died in her beautiful arms.
But kindness is so much more than this.
It involves our daily interactions with people throughout the day and our daily interactions with ourselves.
If we're able to develop kindness and make it our key priority of our interactions with ourselves and others,
What we'll find is there'll truly be a beauty that starts descending upon us that just is beyond any understanding.
And we'll find that our lives begin to get so much better when we permeate our lives with kindness.
It isn't easy,
It can be quite challenging,
But if we make it our goal,
If we say,
Okay,
I do want to be more kind,
And that's going to be my focus,
Then what will happen is,
With time,
With effort,
That will become who we are and what we are.
We can all be more kind until our dying breath,
And when we are,
Truly what we'll find is happiness that surpasses all understanding.
But why is that?
Why do I consider kindness so important?
And why do I keep talking about it here on this podcast over and over again?
Well,
At its core,
Unkindness comes from an eye for an eye philosophy.
If someone's going to hurt us,
We're going to hurt them.
We think that's right,
We think that's fair,
And we all know people that do that,
Including ourselves.
I mean,
It's so simple.
We get a bill where we feel we were charged unfairly,
We call up customer service,
And they try to explain,
Well,
It was our fault,
And we get mad,
We get angry.
We may even call them names and say they're stupid,
Because we're taught to fight.
We're taught that,
Hey,
If you're going to take advantage of me,
I'm going to go for the jugular and hurt you back.
And I know it's hard to understand this,
But every time we encounter an act of unkindness,
It's really going to boil down to this fact that that other person or ourselves feel that they have been treated unfairly,
And they're going to be unkind back because of that.
When the terrorists slammed their planes on 9-11 into the New York Towers,
They didn't do it because they just wanted to be evil.
They did it because they felt we had done things to them first.
Or when you're driving and someone lashes out at you,
Starts honking and screaming,
You probably did something that upset them.
I mean,
It may have been as simple as driving too slowly,
Cutting them off,
Doing a very simple act that you weren't even aware of,
And then they felt because you were being unfair,
They had a right to be unkind.
This will always be the case,
No matter what example you can give me,
You're going to find that the other person feels that someone in life along the way had been unfair,
Unkind to them,
And now they're being unkind back.
So if this is the case,
How does this apply to us?
Well,
Normally,
Again,
When we get angry,
When we get upset,
We're going to have a reason for it.
It's not going to come out of nowhere.
Our unkindness is going to come out of something's going on that's upsetting us.
We feel the other person is being unkind,
Unjust,
Or something towards us that we don't like,
And we decide we better put up our dukes and start punching back.
And this is where a lot of listeners are going to perhaps disagree with me right now,
But I don't think that's the path we should go.
I believe,
No matter what's happening,
That we shouldn't lash back and be unkind towards people.
We can definitely set boundaries,
We can walk away,
We can do lots of things,
But being unkind in return to anyone,
No matter what they're doing to us,
Is the path to suffering.
And I think a far better path is to always be kind,
Even though we set boundaries.
But kindness should be our response,
And kindness can be very strong,
Can be very loud.
But where it's challenging,
Where it's going to be hard,
Is that there really are times in life when people are doing things that are unjust,
That are unfair,
That are unkind towards us,
And we want to say something,
We want to do something,
And we can.
But it's doing it with kindness,
It's doing it with love.
I really think keeping ourselves in a calm,
Peaceful place,
No matter what,
Is the path that we should all strive for.
And I know many people will disagree with this,
But I just have found,
Through my own experiences in life,
That life goes so much better when I choose the path of kindness.
And it's something I have to work on.
It's not always easy,
But it is something I put a lot of energy towards,
Probably more than anything else,
Is being kind in all situations.
And because I've worked at it,
And because I've developed this skill,
I have gotten better at it.
I definitely haven't perfected it,
But I've found with effort,
Because I believe in kindness to the core of my being.
So when I get upset,
When I feel like someone is being unjust towards me,
I do my best to pause and say,
Is this a good time for me to respond?
Or do I need to take a break and wait until I can get to that more peaceful place?
And I can respond then in kindness.
So for those of you who are still listening and maybe believe that kindness isn't a bad way to go in life,
I want to talk about the steps to do it and how we can get better at it.
Because it is a skill that we can learn,
But it has to be practiced.
We have to work on it.
But if we do work on it,
I really believe we can develop the skill of kindness.
So what are the steps towards kindness?
How can we be more kind towards ourselves and others?
Well,
The first thing to remember is what's the trigger towards unkindness?
Remember,
It's when other people are being unjust or unkind towards us.
That's what's going to trigger our own unkindness.
Period.
So a big part of being kind is to listen.
And it's to listen to our hearts.
And if we notice that our hearts are getting riled up,
If they're getting angry,
If our hearts are wanting to react in a way that's unkind,
Then we need to pause and say,
Okay,
This is not the time for me to say anything.
I just need to be silent.
And we pause and we wait.
And we wait until our hearts get calm.
Because when our hearts are calm,
Then we can respond.
And we can respond in kindness.
It doesn't mean our words won't be truthful.
It may even have boundaries to them.
The other person may even experience them as being a little intense.
But if we're truly calm,
We think about what we're going to say,
And then we say it and think about how the other person could respond to it,
And we're doing our best to do it in a way that's kind,
Then we've done our best.
And that will work well.
We can do this perfectly.
But if we wait,
That's the big key of kindness,
Waiting.
Basically,
When we're upset and we want to say something,
That's the time we need to be quiet and not say anything.
And then when we're calm,
Then it's time to say,
Okay,
What's a good way for me to respond to this person in a loving way,
So that at least I'm saying what I need to say in a kind,
Loving way.
Now,
If they start reacting again and get us riled up,
Then we just pause again.
We take a break as long as we need until we can get our hearts in a peaceful place again,
Then we continue.
And we keep doing this as long as it takes.
And that's it.
That's the goal.
That's the way to be more kind.
Now,
What's going to happen is we're not going to do it right.
Sometimes we're just going to get caught.
Sometimes we're going to say something to someone that we don't mean in an unkind way,
But they're going to take it that way.
Or sometimes we're going to react to someone in an unkind way after they have been unjust to us.
So in these situations,
What we need to do is two things.
One,
We need to work towards forgiving ourselves because we are going to make mistakes.
And part of getting better at this is not being self-critical,
But using this beautiful phrase that I love.
What can I learn from this?
And if we learn,
We'll get better.
If we criticize ourselves,
We're going to stay stuck.
So unkindness can go both ways towards others and towards ourselves.
So we don't want to be unkind towards ourselves.
We want to learn from our mistakes and we learn through kindness.
My son right now is learning how to drive.
He's at that point where he'll be driving by himself soon.
Could you imagine if every time he made a mistake,
I screamed at him and said,
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong?
Do it right.
That would not encourage him.
That would encourage him to do poorly.
But with kindness and saying,
Okay,
This is where you made a mistake and this is the way you do it right next time.
If we truly want to be more kind,
We have to use kindness towards ourselves when we mess up because we're going to mess up over and over again.
But with time,
We're going to get better too.
So let me share a couple of my own examples to illustrate this.
When I was in third grade,
I had a friend of mine who I was walking home with and I don't remember how it happened,
But I remember grabbing his pencil and I broke it.
And after I broke it,
I looked into his face and he was crying and he was so upset and I did not feel very good about myself afterwards.
But what I did is the next day I brought him a pencil and I brought him another pencil the next day.
And I think I brought him a pencil once a day for a month to make up for what I did.
So when we mess up,
One of the biggest things we can do is one,
Of course,
Be nice towards ourselves,
But two,
See if there's ways that we can perhaps make up for what we did.
I mean,
Apologies,
Heartfelt apologies can go so far in life.
We're going to mess up.
We are.
Sometimes we're tired.
Sometimes we're grumpy.
Sometimes we're in a hurry and we're going to mess up.
So when we do,
See if we can just say,
I'm sorry.
And even if per chance able to make up for it,
It goes so far,
An apology.
You'd be amazed,
Particularly when we mean it.
And a kind gesture afterwards can be worth so much.
So look for them.
Look for those opportunities when we mess up.
To one,
To really mean it.
Two,
To show the person that we're going to work on changing our behavior through changing our behavior.
And three,
If there are ways to perhaps do something back for that person,
Think about doing that.
Here's another one to illustrate this point that happened to me this very week.
I got a text from one of my landlords where I have my offices and he said that my check was late and that he was going to charge me a late fee because it had been late before.
With the previous month,
He had told me the same thing.
And I looked online and I saw that the check had been cast like a week earlier.
Well,
I told him this and he had said that he talked to his wife and that he didn't know that she had deposited it.
So I was surprised when the same thing happened because I looked online again and the check had cleared.
So I called him and though I stayed pretty calm,
He was saying some things that were a little challenging.
So I did my best,
But I wasn't my best.
I would definitely say that.
And he tried to explain to me what had gone on.
I said,
Well,
Why didn't you tell me this the previous month?
I could have said a quorum or I could have.
So what I did is I went to my bank and I verified what he said.
What had happened was I do send the checks way in advance,
But what I didn't know is they take a week to get to him because they come from my banking account and I don't send them directly.
So we started texting each other and I explained to him what happened and I apologize because I just didn't know that they took a week to get to the people I had sent them to.
And he was very nice and I said,
Well,
I do apologize and to make up for it,
I would be more than happy to pay the late fee because it was my mistake.
He didn't want me to do that,
But that was my gesture and I felt it was appropriate of me to pay for that because it was my mistake.
And it was also appropriate of me to apologize because I wasn't as calm as I wish I could have been.
Because sometimes we just don't see these things coming.
They come so fast out of nowhere and people say things that we're just not expecting that,
Woo,
Our dandruff can get up really fast.
So it's best if we can in those times,
Because sometimes we're just not going to stay as calm or as kind as we would like,
To go ahead and call back or talk to the person and say,
I'm sorry.
I've even done it on a conversation I've been with a person.
I caught myself.
I said,
You know,
I don't like the way I'm acting.
I apologize.
And then it's over.
So when we catch ourselves messing up,
Which we will,
Just apologize.
Now I know sometimes we do things that are very hurtful towards another person.
We do.
So in those situations,
Sometimes the best thing we can do is just honor the person's request for us to stay away.
And because we care and because we're kind,
We will honor that request.
Even though we want to make up for what we did,
We still want to honor their request for us to stay away.
Staying away when we hurt someone can be the kindest thing that we can do.
And then lastly,
If we're really serious about developing this kindness approach to life,
We have to do something.
We have to be careful what we expose ourselves to.
The TV shows we watch,
The books we read,
The music we listen to,
Even the social media that we expose ourselves to.
If we are seeing that other people are being unkind,
Sometimes we can think that's the norm.
Because a lot of those things I just mentioned,
That is the norm.
There's a lot of unkindness in our world right now.
And if we're not careful,
We're going to think that is just the way we're supposed to be.
I am adamantly arguing against this,
But if we do want to work on being kind,
We have to be careful because we're very much conditioned by what we're exposed to.
And if we're exposed to unkindness,
We're just going to think that's the response we're supposed to give.
An eye for an eye.
And that isn't what we're supposed to do,
I believe,
If we want to be happy,
If we want to find peace in our lives,
The journey towards happiness and peace is through kindness.
And if we want to do that,
We have to be careful what we expose ourselves to.
So in conclusion,
Kindness is the goal,
I believe,
For me.
In many ways,
It is my religion for me.
If you're interested in joining me on the journey of kindness,
I think you'll like it.
Try it out for a week,
Maybe a month,
And see if life just doesn't go a little better.
And in the process,
When we do mess up,
Be kind towards ourselves.
And when something comes at us that seems unjust,
Unfair,
Or unkind,
Pause and wait to respond until we're calm.
And when we do mess up,
Apologize,
And perhaps even do acts of kindness back.
And one last thing that can be helpful,
The world truly can be challenging at times.
So when our hearts are just tired,
And we need a break,
Let's go to nature,
Spend time with ourselves,
Or with people that are very kind,
And allow our hearts to heal so that we can come back being kind towards others and ourselves.
Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.
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And until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
