How To Get Your Happiness Back

The pursuit of constant happiness is often a road paved with disappointment. The true secret to living a joyful life lies not in expecting smooth sailing, but in learning to navigate the winds of change with a light heart. When we loosen our grip on rigid expectations and embrace the fluidity of life, we open ourselves to a deeper well of contentment.

It's not about denying unpleasant surprises, but about accepting them as part of the rich tapestry of existence. With each unexpected turn, we have the opportunity to learn, grow, and discover new paths to fulfillment.

So let go of the fixed idea of how things "should" be, and embrace the dynamic journey of life – in its twists and turns, the true treasures of happiness await.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Do you know what one of the most misconceptions about happiness is?

It's that happy people are happy all the time.

That's not true.

When someone cuts us off on the freeway and it's dangerous,

It frightens us.

When we call customer service because we need their help and we're holding online for two hours and they finally pick up and then we get disconnected and they don't call us back,

We're not happy campers.

Or when we have a job that we really like and we lose it and we have to start over again and find a new job,

We're not happy about that either.

Or when someone we thought we were gonna spend our life with says they don't want to be with us anymore,

It's hard on our hearts too.

Well,

Dr.

Puff,

I thought this was a happiness podcast and it was about being happy.

And it is.

But what's gonna catch you?

It really is if you think that happiness has to be maintained all the time.

Because that's just not how it works.

We go through hard times and they're challenging.

Sometimes they're exhausting.

But we're gonna talk about what do we or can we expect when we want to be happy?

What are the real expectations and what are the real key factors of living a happy life?

Because there are things that we can do to make our lives go well.

Not all the time,

But most of the time.

What actually causes us to be unhappy is the fact that we think we should be happy all the time.

Because that often means for most people that everything is going well.

It's wonderful.

It's great.

We're on vacation.

The weather's perfect.

We had a perfect meal.

We're sitting by the beach.

It's just magnificent.

And then the waiter comes and spills water all over us.

Or the showers come and we can't sit outside anymore.

Or our flights been delayed and we won't be going home on time.

Or fill in the blank.

It's the or's that get us.

Because along the way we have expectations.

And those expectations were not met.

Great discomfort.

Great dissatisfaction.

And that's when we go into our unhappy place.

When things don't go the way that we think they should.

I mean we see this all the time throughout the day.

It really is one of the main factors that cause us to be unhappy.

It's the fact that we're happy when things are going the way we think they should.

And when they're not,

We're unhappy.

The problem with it is there's just so many things we cannot control.

And it's our expectations that get us in trouble.

In little ways and in big ways.

Think of the example of just going to the store.

You have the expectations of picking up a few things,

Getting in and out,

And everything should go smoothly.

But then when you get there,

You realize it's very busy.

And it takes you a while to find a parking spot.

So that kind of irritates you.

And then you get inside and what you need they're out of.

Oh my goodness.

Now you have to come back.

And then you get in line to buy what you want.

And the lines are super long because of all those cars out there.

Now you're irritated.

And what was supposed to be a simple task is not a simple task.

And it somewhat ruins your day.

Because instead of letting it go after you get home,

You think about it.

You think about it and say,

Why does that happen to me?

I just don't get it.

Why can't people be more considerate?

And on and on the thoughts go.

And sadly the happiness that may have been there is gone.

And you suffer for a while.

And then sometimes the big tragic events happen in life.

You fall in love with someone.

And it goes great.

You create a family.

You create a household.

And he or she asks you for a divorce.

Or you realize they're not the person of your dreams anymore.

And you ask for a divorce.

You go to school.

You get trained to do a job that you're so excited to do.

And then when you get there,

It's not what you thought it was going to be.

Or it's gone.

That industry doesn't exist anymore.

Or someone that you love deeply dies.

Between the little and big tragedies that can happen in life,

The disappointments,

It may be amazing that anyone's happy.

So that's what I want to talk for the rest of the time about.

How do we find happiness with all these instabilities of life?

Is it really possible?

Here's the most important concept that we want to think about today.

It's not about being happy all the time.

It's not about everything going well all the time and then we'll be happy.

It's about we are happy and then when we get off track we just get back to being happy again.

Whatever got us off track,

We go ahead and get back on track.

But the tracks are different now.

That's what catches us.

The people that are happy realize,

Oh it went differently than I expected.

I would have preferred it to go this way.

But it didn't.

Now it's going this way.

Okay,

I wonder what will be going down over here.

This could be exciting.

So when it comes to being a happy person,

What people do differently that are happy than most people is two things.

The first one is when it comes to expectations.

They keep their expectations to a minimum.

What I mean by that is,

Yes,

They like to have things go well.

They don't enjoy it when things get off course.

But they're not necessarily expecting things to go a certain way.

And in many ways their expectations are fairly minimal.

It's like,

Oh food.

I wonder what I'm gonna have today.

And they walk into a restaurant and say they've been there before and they have a dish that they really like.

And they don't have it.

They'll say,

Oh I wonder what else I have.

It's like,

Yes,

They like certain things.

But when things change,

It's more like,

Oh I didn't really need that.

That would have been nice.

But it's okay.

It's like getting on the freeway.

I live in Southern California.

We have a lot of freeways here.

And it's nice when you get on the freeway and traffic is great and there's no accidents and there's no traffic jams and things go smoothly.

But a lot of times that's just not the way it is.

So a happy person would say,

I have a destination to go.

If there's no traffic it may take me an hour.

But there might be traffic.

There may not be.

So I'll give myself an hour and a half.

Now if I get there early,

Great.

But if I don't,

Fine.

I'm expecting it to be longer.

And sometimes it's really long.

And that's okay.

That just happens sometimes.

It may be irritating for a little bit of time when you're sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.

But you know that happens.

You say,

Well this was my unlucky day.

Probably tomorrow will be better.

And it's not steeping with that anger,

With that frustration when things don't go a certain way.

Because expectations that things have to go a certain way are much less with a happy person.

It's more,

This isn't what I expected.

It's frustrating.

But I have no time in my car to listen to a podcast.

I'm going to listen to a couple extra episodes because now I have free time.

And it really works the same way in the big things in life.

Again,

You meet someone.

You get married.

You have children.

It looks great.

And then things start not looking as great.

One of your kids has health problems and it's expensive.

Your partner isn't as romantic as they used to be.

And it's frustrating.

And you say,

Okay,

That isn't what I expected.

And you make decisions based upon what's presented to you.

But you don't let it permeate every aspect of your life.

You say,

Okay,

This is what happened.

How do I make this work?

And that's part two.

Because things do happen.

And your expectations are lower,

Which helps a lot.

But some things we just don't like.

I mean,

None of us like to be ill.

But we get ill sometimes.

So it's a sense of,

What do I do now that this tragedy has hit?

I'm really sick.

I'm gonna miss weeks and weeks of work.

And it's gonna cost me a lot.

I may have to move.

Then you focus on moving.

You do,

Of course,

Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

This isn't about suppressing your feelings.

It's about feeling your feelings.

But saying,

There's no thing in life that I'm guaranteed with.

Nothing.

So when things happen that are tragic,

You say,

Okay,

That was tragic.

I need some time to grieve.

And you grieve.

And then you say,

I'm gonna move on.

What a lot of people do when tragedies come,

They numb themselves.

They get really angry and frustrated.

They do things that cause the suffering to be even worse.

Because now they're hearing thoughts in their head that this isn't fair.

This is wrong.

This shouldn't have happened.

And they're angry.

They're frustrated.

And they can't let it go.

And they stay stuck.

Sometimes for the rest of their lives.

And these tragedies,

Small and big,

Keep hitting them.

And instead of saying,

That's just life.

They're fighting life.

And they're fighting life.

And they're frustrated.

And they're upset.

And they get angrier or more depressed.

And it just keeps getting worse.

People that are happy have these same events.

They really do.

It's just they focus on fixing them.

On making them better.

On making them work.

Whatever it is.

If you end up in prison,

How do you make that work?

If you're in a relationship that you really can't leave,

How do you make it tolerable?

In the interim,

Until things change.

Or until you reach a point where you can change things.

Because sometimes we do need to leave.

There's just always a solution to whatever life gives us.

And what happy people do,

Is they focus on the solution.

They want to be happy.

They don't want to be mad.

They want to be irritated.

They don't want to be depressed.

So they say,

Okay,

This is what happened.

How do I make this work?

I've talked about this woman before,

Who was a great basketball player.

She's a friend of mine from the Midwest.

And she got in a car wreck.

And ended up getting in a wheelchair.

And has been in a wheelchair her entire adult life.

And she still plays basketball.

And she's been actively involved in wheelchair basketball her entire adult life.

Yes,

It's not fun being in a wheelchair.

But she wasn't gonna let that stop her.

Because she loved basketball.

And we know so many stories like that.

People that lost everything.

And there's still joy in their life.

There's still hope.

There's still happiness.

Because they're not clinging on to,

Life has to go a certain way to be happy.

Because when we say,

Life has to go a certain way to be happy,

There's always something that can knock that happiness down.

Keeping our desires to a minimal,

And adjusting when our desires aren't met quickly,

Is the path to happiness.

It's not that things go smoothly all the time.

That is not what happiness is about.

Happiness is about making things work,

And keeping our preferences broad and malleable.

Knowing that life changes.

We adjust to the changes.

That's our job for happiness.

Not that life has to go a certain way.

But that whatever way life goes,

Doing what we can do,

Controlling the things that we can,

But realizing there's so many things out of our control.

So when life says you're going to left,

And you would prefer to go right,

Say okay,

I wonder what's down the left path.

There's almost a joy to that.

Yeah,

At first there's a frustration.

You know,

When things happen that don't go the way you want.

Of course you're going to be frustrated.

You may get angry.

You may get sad.

But you feel your feelings,

And then you say,

Okay,

This is what life's giving me right now.

How do I make that work?

And no matter what life gives us,

If we have the attitude that we can make anything work,

And we don't need life to be perfect,

To go perfectly to be happy,

Then we realize we're happy.

Because when we're not,

We just get back to happiness very quickly.

That's the difference.

It's not that we're happy all the time.

It's just when events go a different way than we would prefer,

And sometimes in a very irritating way.

We say,

Okay,

I don't like this,

But this is what life has given me.

How do I make it work?

That's the difference.

It's not focusing in on how unfair this is,

How horrible this is,

And being incredibly frustrated by it.

It's like,

Hmm,

That didn't go well.

Wow.

But how do I make this work?

That's what happy people do.

They're not happy all the time.

They just get back to happiness much faster than everyone else.

That's the difference.

And you can do that.

Keep your expectations low and realize when things don't go the way you expect them to,

Your job,

Your number one job,

Is of course to fill your feelings.

They're gonna be there,

Trust me,

When things don't go well.

We have lots of feelings about that.

But then saying,

How do I make this work?

Going there as quickly as possible,

Not suppressing our feelings,

But saying,

I can make this work.

And if we do this,

And we cultivate this skill really well,

You know what?

We'll find that happiness is in our lives a lot of the times.

And when it's not,

It comes back very quickly.

That's the secret to a happy life.

And you know what?

I believe you can have that.

Peace.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you for your clear and simple explanation on how to be happy more.

Very realistic advice!

Food for thought. I have found it hard to accept illness and see I can alter my perspective. Thank you Robert 🙏🏼

Thank you Dr. Robert for this timely reminder to roll with the punches of our daily lives. Namaste

This was just was the DOCTOR ordered! Thank you so much 😊

Loved this..makes so much sense. Thank you Dr Puff 🙏😌✨️

This track crossed my path exactly at the right moment in time! In my story it is high expectations vs low expectations, equals happiness. Thank you Dr Puff.

Excellent Talk ... Thank you! 🙏🏽✨🙏🏽

This was very helpful. Thank you so much teacher

Great reminder Doc🙏

Made me think about my son's death and I've been grieving for 11 years. It made me think that I need to move on and start to be more accommodating since he wanted me to go on and live life.

Thank you.

Love your podcast Dr Puff! This one really hit home for me! Thank you!

Thank you 🙏

🙏🏾