Welcome.
Today we're going to practice holding ourselves with care when desire differences bring difficult thoughts and feelings.
In this exercise,
We will notice the difficult feelings that come when there's desire differences in couples.
Whether you're the partner that has the higher desire or the lower desire,
It's completely normal to have some difficult feelings that come up.
Whenever there's a gap between the relationship you long for and the relationship you're experiencing now,
Difficult thoughts and feelings naturally show up.
So you might notice that you're having some feelings of rejection if you're the higher desire person.
You might have feelings of guilt if you're the lower desire person.
There may be some sadness for both partners.
There may be some feelings of pressure.
There may be some grief.
And there may be some anger.
And frustration.
And those feelings are all completely normal.
So in this practice today,
We're going to make some space for them.
We're not trying to make them go away,
But we are trying to meet them with kindness and understanding.
So first,
I'm going to ask you to take a comfortable seat.
And you can either close your eyes or have a light gaze somewhere in the room.
And take a deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
And take another deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
And now just become aware of the chair underneath you.
Paying attention to whatever is holding your body right now.
Notice your feet on the floor.
Maybe dig your heels in a little bit and pay attention to how it feels to have the solidity of the ground underneath you.
Now I want to invite you to reflect on what's going on in your relationship right now.
Notice the thoughts and feelings around the desire mismatch and just let yourself be aware that there's pain there,
That there's frustration there.
Notice all the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you.
And as you focus on this,
Notice if there's any changes in your body.
I'm going to invite you to scan your body.
Notice where these experiences are showing up in your body.
Is there any tension in your body that you notice?
Any discomfort.
Any sinking feelings or tightness.
Just notice those feelings and where you're feeling them.
If it helps,
Gently put words to what you're noticing.
Perhaps sadness,
Longing,
Rejection,
Guilt,
Frustration,
Or maybe something entirely different.
Now look down at your hands and think of a time when you used your hands to soothe someone that you love.
Maybe a time that you held a crying baby or a time that you snuggled a loved pet.
Maybe a time that you soothed your child or caressed and hugged your partner.
Think of all the love you have given others with your hands.
And if you're comfortable doing so at this time,
Put your hands on the part of your body where you've most felt the feelings you're experiencing with the mismatched desire.
And imagine warmth and love and kindness that you've given to others radiating from your hand into that area.
Don't try to make the feeling go away.
Just let the feeling do whatever it does.
You don't have to make anything happen here.
Whether the feeling changes or stays exactly as it is,
Simply continue offering it warmth,
Kindness,
And love.
And if you're not comfortable putting your hands on your body in this way,
That's okay.
Just imagine the warmth and love and kindness radiating from your hand.
Going into that part of your body from a distance,
Making space for the love and caring.
Just letting the warmth and care radiate into that area.
Noticing what happens.
Now think of something you might tell a loved one when they're feeling difficult feelings like you are right now.
What would you tell a loved one who's feeling rejected or hurt or frustrated?
Imagine sending those messages to yourself.
Letting yourself know,
I got you.
It's okay to feel what you're feeling.
I'm here with you.
You're not alone.
Sending warm and kind messages through your hand into your body.
And as we bring the exercise to a close,
Just become aware again of the seat underneath you and your feet on the floor.
Take a deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Take another deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Just be aware that these feelings are part of caring deeply about your relationship.
They don't mean you're broken,
And they don't have to determine what you do next.
As you continue practicing meeting yourself with care,
You're strengthening your ability to stay present for yourself,
Even in difficult moments when there's difficult thoughts and difficult feelings.
So I encourage you to practice this regularly.
Just like anything new that we learn,
It's so much easier to do it when we need it,
Practice it regularly.
