Welcome.
Many couples that I work with experience mismatches in desire or what I call the sex knot.
This practice is designed for the partner who has the lower desire or possibly a more of a responsive desire.
Some people have spontaneous desire where they just tend to be ready to go and desire happens pretty quickly for them.
This is very common early on in relationships where most people experience a new relationship energy and that spontaneous desire that tends to come along with that.
For some people in longer term relationships,
Relationships,
The switch is towards more of a responsive desire.
And that switch is really normal.
When somebody has more of a responsive desire,
They need more emotional connection,
More physical stimulation,
Maybe some intellectual stimulation.
It's different for different people,
But they need more time to get to the place where desire presents itself.
Neither style is better or healthier.
They're simply different ways our bodies experience desire.
However,
Everyday stressors can shut down the desire system for people with more of a responsive desire.
And frequently,
Their partners who have more spontaneous desire may actually find that sex relieves stress for them.
And so their reaction to everyday stressors is very different.
When the experience of the spontaneous desire partner and responsive desire partners differ in these kinds of ways,
It causes tension in the relationship,
Or the sex knot is more obvious.
One partner oftentimes will feel pressured while the other partner feels rejected,
And a whole lot of difficult thoughts and feelings can emerge.
So this practice isn't about.
Deciding who's right.
It's about helping you respond with greater awareness,
Flexibility,
And intention whenever that sex knot is present in the relationship.
So first I'm going to ask you to just settle in a comfortable position.
Notice your feet on the floor.
Notice the chair beneath you.
And take a deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
And take another deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Just noticing the support beneath you.
And bringing gentle awareness to your breathing.
Notice the rise and fall of your chest.
Be aware of sounds around you.
Notice if there's any thoughts or emotions present.
Just noticing what's there.
We're not trying to change anything.
We're just noticing and observing.
Now I'm going to ask you to imagine a recent incident where the sex knot was very present in your relationship.
Picture a recent time,
Maybe in the kitchen,
Maybe while you're working remotely.
Just notice a time where you're doing something and you're very engaged in your day-to-day life and your partner comes up behind you,
Maybe wraps their arms around your waist or grabs you in a playful or erotic way.
And notice what shows up for you.
Perhaps it's irritation,
Perhaps it's pressure.
Maybe it's a feeling of obligation or guilt.
Maybe some frustration.
Maybe you're just feeling overwhelmed.
Just notice whatever you become aware of as you picture that scene.
Notice the thoughts that your mind offers.
Are you thinking things like,
Why does he always do this?
I'm just trying to get finished here.
What's wrong with me?
Why don't I like this?
" Just allow your mind to conjure up whatever thoughts are common for you in this type of situation.
We're not trying to fix it.
We're not judging it.
Just let whatever thoughts arise,
Be there.
And now.
Ask yourself,
Who do I want to be in this moment?
How do I want to show up for my partner?
And how do I want to show up for myself right now when this sex knot is so present?
Before I offer a few possibilities,
Take a moment to notice what words naturally come to mind for you.
What kind of partner do you want to be?
How do you wanna treat yourself right now?
Maybe it's kind,
Authentic,
Honest,
Patient,
Gentle,
Loving,
Warm,
Curious,
Humorous,
Respectful,
Compassionate,
Assertive.
Self-respecting.
Present.
Or perhaps something completely different is coming to mind for you.
There's no right answer.
Simply notice which one or two values feel the most important today in this kind of situation.
And silently repeat those words to yourself.
Imagine carrying them with you the next time that the sex knot is present.
For the next part of this practice,
We're going to use the dropping anchor technique created by the amazing Russ Harris.
This technique uses an acronym of ACE,
That stands for acknowledge,
Come back into your body and engage.
So first.
.
.
Bringing back up the kitchen example,
Just notice what's there.
What were the thoughts?
The feelings?
What do you notice in your body as you imagine the kitchen example?
Are you aware of any urges,
Maybe an urge to respond out of a sense of duty or guilt?
Or maybe an urge to act out of your irritation or anger.
May be an urge to pull away or an automatic recoil response.
Are there any strong feelings?
Just allow them to exist.
Don't judge them or try to push them away.
Just notice I'm having these thoughts.
I'm having these feelings.
I'm having these urges.
And then feel your feet on the floor.
Maybe stretch your arms out in front of you.
Notice your breathing.
Relax your shoulders,
Maybe roll your shoulders.
Wiggle your fingers,
Wiggle your toes,
Do anything that feels connecting with your body.
Notice your body's in the room and these thoughts and these feelings and these urges are all in your body.
And then expand your awareness to the room around you.
And ask yourself,
How do I want to show up in the presence of the thoughts and feelings that are here in my body?
How do I want to treat my partner?
How do I want to treat myself?
And what action can I take right now that's going to move me towards the way that I want to show up for my partner.
So if you wanted to treat your partner with kindness,
What's a kind thing you can say?
If you wanted to treat yourself with compassion,
What is something compassionate you can say to yourself right now?
Or if you wanted to show up in an assertive way where you're authentic to yourself,
How can you do that while also being kind to your partner?
If that were some of the values that you chose.
And now gently allow the kitchen scene to fade into the background.
Bring your attention back to the room you're in.
Feel your feet on the floor again.
Notice the chair supporting you.
Take a slow breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Notice the sounds around you,
The temperature of the room,
And simply recognize that you are here,
In this moment,
Carrying these thoughts and feelings with you,
But not being controlled by them.
The goal of this practice isn't to create desire or eliminate irritation or convince yourself to feel differently.
The goal is to help you to stay connected to yourself and to the kind of partner that you want to be,
Even when the sex knot is pulling you in another direction.
It is normal for there to be times where there's difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when a couple struggles with mismatched desire or a sex knot.
The question is,
How do you wanna treat yourself and treat your partner in those moments?
And when there's difficult thoughts and feelings,
How do you engage in ways that are consistent with who you want to be while making space for those thoughts and feelings and maybe urges to act in ways that will take you further away from who you want to be?
So remember,
You can return to this practice anytime the sex knot begins to tighten.
First,
Acknowledge what's showing up inside you without judgment.
Then come back into your body by reconnecting with your breath,
Your feet on the floor,
Stretching,
Moving your body,
And finally,
Engage by choosing one small action that reflects the kind of partner and the kind of person you want to be.
Again,
The goal isn't to eliminate difficult thoughts or feelings.
It's to make room for them while moving toward connection,
Authenticity,
And your values,
One moment at a time.
Thank you for practicing with me today.
