When Attraction Changes As Bodies Change

In this guided exploration, Dr. Marci Burroughs explores how attraction can change as partners age and their bodies change over time. Drawing on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), she introduces the concept of fusion and invites listeners to notice how tightly held beliefs about attraction can narrow what they are able to experience. Listeners are guided through an experiential exercise designed to widen their attention and notice the many sensory and relational qualities that can contribute to attraction. The practice is not about forcing attraction or ignoring difficult feelings, but about remaining open to what else may be present.

Transcript

It is not uncommon for someone to ask me how to deal with it when they're no longer physically attracted to their partner. Often this comes up when there have been changes in their partner's appearance. Maybe changes in facial features with aging, Changes in body size, Or changes in weight. And I think what's interesting is that couples can experience these changes in really different ways. Sometimes one partner is worried that their partner won't be attracted to the body they have now, While their partner actually continues to find them very attractive. In other couples, Though, There really has been a change in attraction. And sometimes I think the issue isn't simply that we notice our partner's body has changed. It's what happens next. It's how we interpret that change and what we do with our attention. One person might look at their partner's changing body and see it as one part of the whole person they know, Love, And desire. Another person might become very focused on that particular change. Their attention gets narrower and narrower until that one characteristic starts to dominate what they see. They can no longer see the forest for the trees. And I think this is where things get really interesting. The issue isn't necessarily that a partner who gains weight, For example, Is simply less attractive than they were when they were more fit. Sometimes we get hooked by the idea that this one factor has to mean something about our ability to be attracted to our partner. We might start telling ourselves something like, I'm the kind of person who is only attracted to fit people. And then we hold on to that belief very tightly. In acceptance and commitment therapy, Or ACT, We have a word for this. Fusion. Fusion is what happens when we get so caught up in a thought or belief that we start treating it as though it's the absolute truth. I'm only attracted to fit people. If my partner gains weight, I won't be attracted to them. I'm just not attracted to short people. I'm a person who needs a certain physical type. The thought itself isn't necessarily the problem. The problem is what happens when we become so fused with it that we stop being able to notice anything outside of it. There's a simple act exercise that I think demonstrates this really well. Try holding your hand in front of you and imagine it is one of those thoughts. Hold it right in front of your face. You can still see around it, But notice how much your hand dominates your field of vision. It makes it harder to see everything around it. Thoughts and beliefs can work much the same way. If the belief I only find XYZ attractive is right in front of your face, It can become really difficult to see around it. We may stop noticing all of the other experiences that contribute to attraction. The goal isn't to get rid of the thought. Thoughts don't go away very easily. It's to create enough space around it so that you can notice what else might be there. We actually know from research that attraction is more complicated than simply what we see. Attraction is what researchers call multimodal, Meaning that multiple kinds of sensory and experiential information can contribute to our experience of attraction. And our relationships matter too. Things like feeling understood, Cared for, Responded to by our partner have been associated with sexual desire. But we tend to reduce physical attraction to visual attraction. And we can develop some pretty rigid ideas about what we are or aren't attracted to. For example, Imagine a man who says, I'm the kind of person who's only attracted to tall women. Okay, But what happens when he unexpectedly finds himself attracted to a woman who is shorter? Most of us have probably had some version of this experience. We may have a type, We may have a general preference for a certain body shape, Height, Facial features, Hair color, Skin color, Or some other characteristic. But that doesn't mean we're incapable of being attracted to someone who falls outside of that preference. Our preferences are not necessarily as rigid as we sometimes think they are. And I think that really matters as our partners age, And as we age. Because if I have a very tightly held belief that says, This is the kind of person I'm attracted to, I may unintentionally make it harder for myself to experience attraction when my partner inevitably changes over time. But what if I could stay open to other parts of attraction? What if I can notice things besides what I see? What if I paid attention to how my partner's voice sounds, How their touch feels, How they smell? The way they look at me or the way they respond to me. What if I allowed my preferences around physical characteristics to be a little bit more flexible? This doesn't mean pretending that physical appearance doesn't matter and it certainly doesn't mean that you're supposed to find every change in your partner attractive. It means being curious about whether your attention has become so narrowly focused on one characteristic that you're having a hard time noticing the rest. Rest of the experience. So what if you try holding your view of attraction type a little bit more lightly? Notice that you have a thought about the inconsistency between your type and your partner. Allow that thought to be there while you also focus on what you find attractive about your partner. Perhaps their fitness level is no longer consistent with your type. Let that thought be there while you attend to the following questions. Do you still find their voice sexy? Are their eyes still pretty? How about the way they look at you when they are aroused? How do their hands feel on various parts of your body? How do they smell? Spend some time noticing your partner as a whole and sit with what you notice when you do that. What other thoughts are you aware of? What feelings do you notice in your body? What emotions do you feel? We're not looking for you to ignore that your partner has changed or that there may be difficult thoughts and feelings related to those changes. We're experimenting with whether you can have those thoughts and feelings and still remain aware of other experiences related to your partner and how you respond to them. Flexibility isn't pretending discomfort isn't there. It is remaining open even in the presence of discomfort. So this isn't about forcing attraction convincing yourself to find something attractive when you don't, And it's not a guarantee that desire will return. This is an invitation to find out whether a tightly held belief about what you find attractive has narrowed your ability to access attraction that may still be present. What might you notice about your partner and yourself if you experiment with holding your opinion a little bit more lightly?