One of the most painful questions I hear from high desire partners goes something like this.
We're in the kitchen and I just want to connect with my partner.
So I come up playfully behind them and I grab their butt or I wrap my arms around them and kiss their neck.
And she immediately either pulls away or gets really irritated.
Why does this keep happening?
I'm using a common heterosexual example because that's the one I hear most frequently in my practice.
But this dynamic certainly can happen in any kind of relationship.
The first thing that I want you to know is that it doesn't necessarily mean that you've done anything wrong.
More often than not,
You're just experiencing desire differently than the way your partner does.
Some people experience what we call spontaneous desire.
You just show up ready to go.
They already have interest in sex,
So reaching out physically and playfully feels natural.
But other people,
Probably like your partner,
Experiences more of a responsive desire.
And that doesn't mean that desire isn't possible,
It just means that it takes more to get to that place.
So they might need more stimulation such as emotional connection,
Physical stimulation,
Intellectual stimulation before they're ready to respond with desire.
So feeling emotionally relaxed or gently invited to connect often helps to build desire and has to come first.
Many clinical experts in sexuality observe that women in long-term heterosexual relationships usually shift from a spontaneous desire early on in the relationship when there's new relationship energy to more of a responsive desire as the relationship gets more secure.
However,
The overwhelming majority of males maintain spontaneous desire throughout the relationship.
And this sets up the dynamic that creates mismatched desires or what I call the sex knot.
These are patterns,
Not rules.
Plenty of women experience spontaneous desire throughout the course of the relationship and some men also experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire.
But it can occur in any kind of relationship.
So now let's get back to the kitchen.
If your partner's focused on dinner,
Thinking about all the things that she needs to do and really,
Really focused,
She has a lot going on and her nervous system is likely focused on getting things done.
Her attention is on completing tasks,
Not preparing for erotic connection.
From your perspective,
Your touch is saying,
I just wanna connect with you.
I wanna be flirty.
But your partner's nervous system's just not in that place yet.
And so they're experiencing it as being expected to change gears instantly.
And our body's just not set up to work that way.
There's some science behind it.
When cortisol is high and our nervous systems are activated,
We shut down our parasympathetic nervous system.
And the parasympathetic nervous system is the nervous system that deals with rest,
Digestion,
And desire.
Thank you.
So your partner's body is doing what her body is designed to do.
It's reacting to the immediate stressor.
And making sure that all of her resources are available for that.
If you think about it,
If you're being chased by a saber tooth tiger,
You're probably not going to stop and have sex.
Neither experience is wrong.
They're just different.
One partner's experiencing desire from a place of readiness and the other partner just hasn't gotten there yet.
Understanding this difference doesn't automatically solve the problem,
But it can soften the overall story that we tell ourselves about each other.
Instead of immediately getting hooked by thoughts of,
Why are they always rejecting me?
Or I can't do anything right.
You to pause long enough to notice what's happening inside of you.
Maybe you're feeling hurt.
Maybe you're feeling rejected,
Embarrassed,
Frustrated,
Lonely,
Or even ashamed.
These feelings aren't the problem.
They're just part of being human.
What often creates more distance is how quickly we might act from those feelings.
When we're feeling rejected,
We may withdraw,
Or we may become critical,
Or we may stop reaching out for our partner altogether,
Or we may pursue even harder,
Hoping that this time our bid will finally get received.
Unfortunately,
None of those responses tend to bring couples closer together over time.
What if instead you could pause,
Notice what you're feeling,
Make room for those thoughts and emotions,
And then ask yourself,
Given everything that's showing up right now,
How do I want to show up for my partner?
That doesn't mean pretending that you're not frustrated or disappointed.
It doesn't mean giving up initiating.
It means learning to respond with greater flexibility instead of letting hurt or rejection make that decision for you.
Desire differences are a normal part of many relationships.
The goal isn't to eliminate the discomfort they bring.
It's to stay connected to yourself,
Connected to your values,
And when possible,
Connected to your partner,
Even in the presence of desire differences and the difficult emotions that they may bring.
