Welcome.
Many couples that I work with experience mismatches in desire,
Or what I call the sex knot.
This practice is designed for the partner who has the higher desire or possibly more of a spontaneous desire.
Some people have spontaneous desire where they just tend to be ready to go and desire happens pretty quickly for them.
This is very common early on in relationships where most people experience a new relationship energy and that spontaneous desire that tends to come along with that.
For some people in longer term relationships,
This switches towards more of a responsive desire and that switch is really normal.
When somebody has more of a responsive desire,
They need more emotional connection,
More physical stimulation,
Maybe some intellectual stimulation,
It's different for different people,
But they need more time to get to the place where desire presents itself.
Neither style is better or healthier.
They're simply different ways our bodies experience desire.
However,
Everyday stressors can shut down the desire system for people with more of a responsive desire.
And frequently,
Their partners who have more spontaneous desire may actually find that sex relieves stress for them.
And so their reaction to everyday stressors is very different.
When the experience of the spontaneous desire partner and responsive desire partners differ in these kinds of ways,
It causes tension in the relationship,
Or the sex knot is more obvious.
One partner oftentimes will feel pressured while the other partner feels rejected,
And a whole lot of difficult thoughts and feelings can emerge.
So this practice isn't about.
Deciding who's right.
It's about helping you respond with greater awareness,
Flexibility,
And intention whenever that sex knot is present in the relationship.
So first,
I'm going to ask you to just settle in a comfortable position.
Notice your feet on the floor.
Notice the chair beneath you.
And take a deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
And take another deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Just noticing the support beneath you.
And bringing gentle awareness to your breathing.
Notice the rise and fall of your chest.
Be aware of sounds around you.
Notice if there's any thoughts or emotions present.
Just noticing what's there.
We're not trying to change anything.
We're just noticing and observing.
Now I'm going to ask you to imagine a recent incident where the sex knot was very present in your relationship.
Picture a recent time,
Maybe in the kitchen or maybe somewhere else where your partner was working,
Maybe focused on something else intently,
And you walk up in a very playful way and wrap your arms around them or maybe grab them in a neurotic way and they respond.
By either pulling away or perhaps with irritation or in a way that feels clear to you that the touch in that moment is unwanted.
And notice what shows up for you.
Perhaps it's irritation.
Perhaps it's rejection,
Maybe it's a feeling of guilt,
Or maybe feeling really sad,
Lonely,
Embarrassed,
Or hurt.
Just notice whatever feelings arise for you.
And as you picture this scene,
Also notice the thoughts that come to mind.
Do you have thoughts like,
I'm always being rejected?
Why does she always get so angry?
I'm just trying to flirt and connect.
Just let whatever thoughts arise,
Be there.
And now.
Ask yourself,
Who do I want to be in this moment?
How do I want to show up for my partner?
And how do I want to show up for myself right now when this sex knot is so present?
Before I offer a few possibilities,
Take a moment to notice what words naturally come to mind for you.
What kind of partner do you want to be?
How do you want to treat yourself right now?
Maybe it's kind,
Authentic,
Honest,
Patient,
Gentle,
Loving,
Warm,
Curious,
Humorous,
Respectful,
Compassionate,
Assertive.
Self-respecting.
Present.
Or perhaps something completely different is coming to mind for you.
There's no right answer.
Simply notice which one or two values feel the most important today in this kind of situation.
And silently repeat those words to yourself.
Imagine carrying them with you the next time that the sex knot is present.
For the next part of this practice,
We're going to use the dropping anchor technique created by the amazing Russ Harris.
This technique uses an acronym of ACE,
That stands for acknowledge,
Come back into your body and engage.
So first.
.
.
Bringing back up the kitchen example,
Just notice what's there.
What were the thoughts?
The feelings?
What do you notice in your body as you imagine the kitchen example?
Are there any urges regarding how you want to act?
Is there maybe an urge to retreat?
Is there an urge to pressure?
Is there an urge to respond with anger?
Are there any strong feelings?
Just allow them to exist.
Don't judge them or try to push them away.
Just notice I'm having these thoughts.
I'm having these feelings.
I'm having these urges.
And then feel your feet on the floor.
Maybe stretch your arms out in front of you.
Notice your breathing.
Relax your shoulders,
Maybe roll your shoulders.
Wiggle your fingers,
Wiggle your toes,
Do anything that feels connecting with your body.
Notice your body's in the room and these thoughts and these feelings and these urges are all in your body.
And then expand your awareness to the room around you.
And ask yourself,
How do I want to show up in the presence of the thoughts and feelings that are here in my body?
How do I want to treat my partner?
How do I want to treat myself?
And what action can I take right now that's going to move me towards the way that I want to show up for my partner.
So if you wanted to treat your partner with kindness,
What's a kind thing you can say?
If you wanted to treat yourself with compassion,
What is something compassionate you can say to yourself right now?
If you want to show up in a way that's patient with your partner while at the same time being kind and understanding with yourself,
Can you let your partner know that it is okay to be in a different space than you are right now while at the same time letting yourself know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling?
And now gently allow the kitchen scene to fade into the background.
Bring your attention back to the room you're in.
Feel your feet on the floor again.
Notice the chair supporting you.
Take a slow breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Notice the sounds around you,
The temperature of the room,
And simply recognize that you are here,
In this moment,
Carrying these thoughts and feelings with you,
But not being controlled by them.
The goal of this practice isn't to create desire or eliminate irritation or convince yourself to feel differently.
The goal is to help you to stay connected to yourself and to the kind of partner that you wanna be,
Even when the sex knot is pulling you in another direction.
It is normal for there to be times where there's difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when a couple struggles with mismatched desire or a sex knot.
The question is,
How do you wanna treat yourself and treat your partner in those moments?
And when there's difficult thoughts and feelings,
How do you engage in ways that are consistent with who you wanna be while making space for those thoughts and feelings and maybe urges to act in ways that will take you further away from who you wanna be?
So remember,
You can return to this practice anytime the sex knot begins to tighten.
First acknowledge what's showing up inside you without judgment.
Then come back into your body by reconnecting with your breath,
Your feet on the floor,
Stretching,
Moving your body.
And finally,
Engage by choosing one small action that reflects the kind of partner and the kind of person you want to be.
Again,
The goal isn't to eliminate difficult thoughts or feelings.
It's to make room for them while moving toward connection,
Authenticity,
And your values one moment at a time.
Thank you for practicing with me today.
