This practice was inspired by a moment of heightened stress in my own life and relationship.
Like all couples,
My partner and I have moments when we're tired,
Stress,
Or just simply not quite in sync.
And while having one of those moments recently,
He called me over to the window to show me an adorable young deer eating in our flower bed.
He had no idea how much I needed that moment,
But it reminded me of one of the many reasons that I love him and how important it is to remain open to moments of connection and beauty,
Even when life is feeling a little stormy.
This practice is an invitation to do just that,
To make space for whatever is difficult while also gently widening our attention to notice moments of connection,
Love,
And beauty that may be present alongside it.
So to begin,
Settle down in a comfortable position.
And if you're comfortable doing so,
Close your eyes.
And if not,
Just keep a soft focus.
And take a deep breath in through your nose.
Slowly exhale through your mouth.
And again,
Breathing through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Notice the chair supporting you.
Notice the floor beneath your feet.
Allow yourself to arrive here.
Just as you are.
There is nowhere you need to get to just right now.
Nothing you need to solve.
For these next few minutes,
Simply give yourself permission to notice.
Bring to mind something that is happening in your life or in one of your relationships right now.
Perhaps there's something that has been weighing on you.
Maybe you're navigating conflict or uncertainty with someone you love.
Maybe you're carrying stress from work,
Family,
Parenting,
Health,
Finances,
Or simply the accumulation of too many things happening at once.
Or perhaps it's not one particular thing at all.
Maybe it's just life feels full.
And sometimes when life feels full,
That fullness finds its way into our closest relationships.
We may become more impatient.
We may have less energy for one another.
We may pull back a little.
Become more protective or find ourselves focusing on what isn't working.
There's nothing wrong with noticing that.
So without trying to change anything right now,
Simply acknowledge what is difficult for you.
What is taking up space in your mind or heart?
Perhaps you can name it quietly to yourself.
This is what I'm carrying right now.
And now,
See if you can gently widen your focus.
You don't have to stop thinking about what is difficult.
You don't have to talk yourself into feeling differently and you don't have to find a silver lining.
Just be curious about what else is here.
Along with whatever is difficult right now.
What else are you aware of?
Is there a moment of connection that you can remember from today?
Maybe a conversation.
A loving,
Gentle touch.
A shared laugh.
Perhaps a small kindness.
Maybe someone made you coffee.
Maybe you received a text.
Maybe you caught your partner's eye across the room.
Maybe someone you love made you laugh when you really needed it.
Or perhaps the moment is much quieter.
A familiar voice,
A hand reaching for yours,
A comfort of being beside someone you love.
A memory.
Something that reminds you,
We are still here.
Let yourself notice whatever comes to mind.
You don't have to make the difficult things smaller in order to make room for these moments.
Both can be there.
Both can be true.
You can be tired and still feel love.
You can be frustrated and still feel connected.
You can be worried about what is happening in your life and still experience a moment of peace.
You can have a difficult conversation.
And then later share a laugh.
You can feel the distance between you in one moment.
And find your way back to one another in the next.
You don't have to resolve anything right now.
You are simply practicing making room for the whole picture.
The stress,
The uncertainty,
The moments of disconnection.
And also the love,
The laughter,
The tenderness,
The ordinary moments that remind you why these relationships matter.
The storm can be here.
And so can love,
Connection,
Joy.
Now gently begin to bring your attention back to the present moment.
Take a deep breath in through your nose.
And slowly exhale through your mouth.
Take another deep breath in through your nose.
And out through your mouth.
Notice the chair beneath you,
The floor beneath your feet.
Notice the sensations in your body and the room around you.
Allow yourself to take in whatever you are feeling right now without needing to hold onto it or push it away.
And perhaps notice whether there's even a little more space around whatever you are carrying than when you began.
You don't have to take anything away.
You're simply making room for more.
One of the things we know from Gottman's research is that healthy relationships tend to contain many more positive interactions than negative ones.
This isn't about keeping score or pretending that difficult moments don't happen.
Flexible focus gives us another way to think about this.
We can acknowledge what hurts,
What worries us,
And what isn't working,
And also practice noticing the moments of connection,
Tenderness,
Humor,
And beauty that exist alongside them.
Because the goal isn't to eliminate the storms,
It's to remember that the storm is never the whole.
Story and sometimes,
In the middle of a difficult day,
Someone you love might simply call you to the window and say,
Come look at this,
And you might be surprised by how much that moment has to offer.
