The Pathway To Unconditional Self-Worth

This episode is all about uncovering the pathway to feeling unconditionally worthy. It starts with our relationship with ourselves. The first step to building a strong, loving relationship with yourself is to be radically honest.

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to the Unconditionally Worthy podcast.

We are officially in season 2 and this is episode 17.

I am so excited to be back.

I'm so glad you are here and listening.

A lot has happened in my life since we wrapped the last season.

The first season I got married.

I went on a honeymoon and I've really had an awesome summer.

I hope you've had an amazing summer as well.

I'm guessing you might want to know a little bit about my wedding and honeymoon.

So I thought I'd share a little bit and then get into the episode for today.

So Jason and I got engaged in June of 2019 and we were excitedly planning for our wedding in July 2020.

And then the pandemic happened.

So the wedding that we wanted could not happen and we decided to postpone it for a year and you know,

We are just incredibly grateful that we got to have the wedding that we've wanted.

We've always wanted a big celebration with all of our family and friends present and we got to have that this summer.

And one of the things that I'm clear about is that what helped me to be present during my wedding and to really enjoy and embrace all the love that was coming towards us was that I was grounded in my worthiness,

Right?

My wedding did not become an opportunity for me to prove my worth because I had had to be perfect and everything had to go exactly right and my everything had to look perfectly Etc.

I was able to acknowledge that I had desires that things went well and I wanted to look good and I wanted everything to go right.

But know that that wasn't the most important thing,

Right?

The most important thing for me was having our friends and family there was feeling blessed with an overflowing of love and joy and was also having a celebration that would be a blessing to everyone who attended and I'm so grateful that I was grounded in my self-worth and able to show up and be present for the best weekend of my life.

And then we had an awesome honeymoon.

We went to Greece.

We spent six days in Santorini,

Which is gorgeous and just incredible and a lovely place to be.

And then we went to Nice and all of those things were amazing.

And you know,

I really just soaked them in because I knew I was worthy of them and I just allowed myself to be present in all of that love and that joy and it was incredible.

And really this is one of the reasons that I am so passionate about helping you to fully embrace your unconditional self-worth because it makes life better.

When you know,

You're worthy you're able to open open arms,

Except except with open arms,

All of the wonderful things coming your way in life and you start to expect wonderful things and then wonderful things are more likely to happen when you're grounded in your worth,

Even if you're going through a stressful time or there's something that's challenging.

You don't fall apart.

You don't beat yourself up.

You don't think oh this is happening because I'm awful or I'm not good enough as a human,

Right?

You're able to be kind to yourself and comfort yourself and move through it,

Right?

So one of the things that happened on our wedding is that it was raining.

I do not like the rain.

I am a Southern California girl.

I love the sun and I wanted to take our wedding pictures outside.

That did not happen because it decided to rain exactly when we were going to take our pictures and that was disappointing.

And because I have a practice of self-compassion and because I'm a good friend to myself,

I was able to respond and offer myself some comfort,

Acknowledge the disappointment,

And then focus in on the other amazing things that were happening and I still had an awesome day.

So anyway,

I hope that you know,

You are feeling maybe a little bit inspired by my own story of experiencing an amazing wedding and I want that for you too.

Even if it's not in the form of a wedding and a honeymoon,

I want you to experience amazing things and that brings us to the topic of this episode.

So this episode is all about the pathway to unconditional self-worth.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately and talking to people about is sort of the challenge with making unconditional self-worth real or tangible.

I think a lot of people,

You know,

Think well that sounds good in theory,

But what does it mean?

What does it mean to to be in that space to live from a place of unconditional self-worth and how do you even get there?

Right for some people it feels like a bridge too far.

Like I can't even I can't even get there.

I don't know how to get there.

I need some directions and I wanted to start this season out.

With an episode about the pathway to unconditional self-worth what I think of as the journey,

Right?

Like how do you get there?

How do we start making it real for you?

Because if it's just theoretical if it doesn't feel real then you're probably not going to take the journey and you may not reach the destination.

So that's what I wanted to talk about today.

So when I was in my mid 20s,

I was on a search for something and I really didn't know exactly what it was.

I knew that I didn't really feel very good about myself.

I knew that I never felt like I was good enough that I was anxious that I was sort of self-critical and not super happy and kind of like not trusting myself.

So I knew that I didn't feel great,

But I couldn't have told you what I needed,

Right?

I was just kind of like,

You know,

This is this isn't feeling great and I tried a lot of different things to get myself to feel better.

You know,

One of the big things for me was trying to find a romantic relationship and I thought maybe if I had a partner if I had a person who was singularly committed to me,

If I had somebody who truly loved me,

Then I wouldn't feel lonely then I wouldn't feel anxious then I wouldn't just feel like I was doing life alone.

And so I searched pretty desperately for a partner,

You know,

I got on before they were dating apps.

I got on dating websites like Match and eHarmony before it was cool back when people were kind of like don't tell people you met online,

Right?

I was on them because I was so desperate to find a partner and I don't think there's anything wrong with being on dating apps or being on dating sites.

I met my husband,

Still getting used to that word,

Jason.

I met him on Bumble,

Right?

We met on a dating app.

And so I am all for it.

And I think when I was on those dating apps,

When I was in my early to mid 20s,

For me,

It really reflected this deep longing for someone to love and care for me and feeling like I needed to find a partner in order to do that.

I also searched for sort of contentment and peace and a sense of security through my academic achievements.

You know,

I went straight from undergraduate school to grad school,

Went straight through,

You know,

I found a lot of solace in the structure of school,

Right?

I knew how to do it well.

But one of the things that I found that I was doing in graduate school is just working far too much and far too hard and graduate school is challenging,

But I was always working non-stop.

I really didn't have boundaries.

I always was pushing myself.

Anytime I was asked to do something,

I said yes,

And I think I deep down felt like,

Okay,

Maybe if I just do this right,

Maybe if I just do this perfectly,

Then I'll get there,

Right?

Then I'll feel the way I want to feel,

Then I'll feel at ease,

Then I'll be okay.

And I pushed myself and I pushed myself and I pushed myself.

And you know,

All of this came to a head when I defended my dissertation and I would just remember walking out of that room,

Passing my dissertation defense,

And feeling heartbroken and empty and sobbing because it didn't do it.

Even that,

Even that ultimate academic achievement that I had been striving for,

For six years,

Didn't make me feel worthy.

Didn't give me a sense of peace,

Didn't give me a sense of contentment,

Didn't make me feel like I am good enough.

Even that didn't work.

Right?

So I spent years overworking,

Pushing myself to the point of exhaustion,

Not taking very good care of myself,

Being mean to myself,

Harsh and critical.

And none of it got me to that sense of peace,

That sense of worthiness,

That sense of trust,

That sense of self-assuredness that I longed for.

And I wonder if you can relate to this.

Have you also spent years pursuing one goal after the other,

After the other,

After the other,

Pushing yourself to the limit to pour into your career,

To pour into your friends and your family and your loved ones?

Have you sought a sense of worthiness outside of you,

Hoping that someone or something would return the love that you give to it,

Hoping that someone would affirm that you're good enough,

That you're worthy,

That you're lovable?

Have you tried all the things,

The workout plans,

The eating plans,

Making sure you drink enough water?

Have you tried all of the things and still felt like something's off?

I don't feel content.

I don't feel at peace.

Something still doesn't feel right.

Have you been there?

I know it's frustrating,

Right?

If you've been there,

If you're answering yes,

It's frustrating,

Right?

You probably have done everything that everybody told you to do.

You got an education,

You got the right job,

You work hard,

You exercise,

You drink all the water,

And for it still not to work is frustrating and confusing.

And what I learned in my own journey is that the answer to these feelings I was having,

These feelings of anxiety,

This discontent,

This feeling like I wasn't good enough,

The answer wasn't outside of me.

It was not going to be found in another accomplishment,

In another relationship,

In another achievement.

It was actually going to be found within me.

It was going to be found in my relationship with myself.

And what I learned is that the way to unconditional self-worth is through a healthy,

Supportive,

Loving relationship with ourselves.

That's the pathway.

And our relationship with ourselves are really the foundation of our lives.

So often we're very focused on other people.

How are other people treating me?

Did they disrespect me?

Did they really say that to me?

Oh my gosh,

I can't believe they didn't show up for me.

I must not be worthy or lovable.

Okay,

Let me do all of these things to make sure that they know that I'm good enough,

Right?

Other people,

Other people,

Other people,

What did they expect of me?

What do they think of me?

How will they judge me,

Right?

We're so focused on other people.

And we often neglect ourselves.

We don't think about how we see ourselves.

We don't think about what do you really want?

What really feels authentic and good and aligned for you?

What do you really need in your life?

And what I'm encouraging you to do is start to shift that,

Right?

Start to shift away from the over focus on other people to focusing on yourself because our relationships with ourselves influence the rest of our lives,

Whether or not we're aware of it.

I often we're not aware of it because we're not paying attention to our relationships with ourselves.

But if you treat yourself in a neglectful way,

If you're harsh and critical,

If you feel unworthy,

You are much more likely to settle for and even be attracted to relationships with other people that treat you the same way that reaffirm that you don't feel worthy,

That you're not good enough,

Right?

You're more likely to settle for that because you feel like,

Well,

This is what I get.

This is I must take what I can get.

And this is what I'm worthy of.

Poor treatment.

The other thing,

Right,

Which is a little tricky,

Is that when you feel unworthy,

When you don't treat yourself well,

Even when you're in a loving relationship with someone else,

You're likely to reject their love.

You're likely to think,

Well,

They don't really love me.

They're just being nice.

They don't really care for me.

I'm not really good enough,

Right?

You're likely to reject the love they offer because you don't believe it.

So the way we treat and see ourselves impacts the rest of our life.

It also impacts our professional life,

Right?

When we are a harsh critic to ourselves and we tear ourselves down,

How do we go into a space with confidence?

How do we own and share our gifts when we don't feel good enough?

We don't think we have anything to offer,

Right?

In contrast,

If you were to be kind to yourself and encouraging and hold yourself accountable,

If you make mistakes,

But also affirming and uplifting,

How would it then feel to go into a workplace,

Especially if you're a black woman like me or a person from an underrepresented group or a marginalized group?

We already experienced enough criticism and questioning of who we are and what we bring.

And then when we criticize ourselves,

We only add to that.

So our relationships with ourselves are foundational.

And so many of us neglect ourselves.

We neglect our relationships with ourselves.

We don't nourish our bodies.

We don't give ourselves the time to rest.

We don't honor our wants and needs and boundaries.

We get so focused on everyone and everything else in our lives that we overlook our own needs and we don't take good care of ourselves.

Some of us do focus on ourselves,

But the way we focus on ourselves is unhelpful.

So we are harsh.

We're critical.

We're shaming.

We're blaming.

We set ridiculously high standards for ourselves and then beat ourselves up when we don't meet those standards.

And often when I talk to people,

I talk about self-criticism.

They say I need to be critical to myself.

That gives me my edge.

That's what gets me ahead.

And I really challenge people on that.

I encourage you to think about how does self-criticism impact you?

Does it really motivate you?

And if it does,

How sustainable is it?

Because there are ways to motivate and encourage yourself without beating yourself up.

And guess what?

If you're motivating and encouraging yourself and affirming yourself,

The whole experience,

The process of getting to those big goals you've set for yourself is going to feel so much better than if you're beating yourself up every step of the way only to reach the goal and then probably turn around a week or two later and say,

Okay,

Well,

You got to do more.

You got to reach the next goal.

Get going,

Get going,

Get going,

Right?

That's so often how we treat ourselves.

And frankly,

It's exhausting.

It's exhausting and it contributes to burnout.

So I just want you to check in with yourself.

What if this is resonating?

Right?

Is it resonating with you?

This idea that if we treat ourselves poorly,

That's going to negatively impact our life and relationships.

Does that resonate with you?

Have you experienced that in your own life?

What's in contrast with this,

Right?

In contrast of pushing ourselves to the limit of exhausting ourselves,

Of criticizing ourselves is to be good friends with ourselves.

Is to treat ourselves with love and kindness and compassion to be kind and loving and supportive to ourselves when we're having a hard time to affirm ourselves when we do something well.

To trust ourselves.

To not take every mistake as failure,

But to be there for ourselves as we're navigating difficulties in our life.

When we are good friend to ourselves,

When we treat ourselves as though we are unconditionally worthy,

That sets us up on a pathway to unconditional self-worth.

When we take these steps to care for ourselves and love ourselves,

We remind ourselves of who we really are.

Worthy,

Wonderful,

Lovable.

And this also has the effect of soothing ourselves,

Of calming ourselves,

Right?

A lot of a lot of conversation these days about trauma.

So many of us have experienced trauma.

And trauma sort of can make us feel activated and unsettled and not trusting.

And if we internalize it can make us feel unworthy.

And so some of these practices of being a good friend to yourself,

Of being in a healthy relationship with yourself,

Help to soothe you,

Help to calm you,

Help to put you at ease so that life doesn't feel like it's just coming at you,

Right?

But you know,

You have the ability to respond.

And that in turn builds trust.

And that in turn allows us to connect to our worthiness.

So I really encourage you to take some time to think about your relationship with yourself.

How would you describe it?

Is it kind and compassionate?

Is it harsh and critical?

What is it like?

Would you treat other people the way you treat yourself?

Would you allow other people to treat you the way you treat you?

I want you to take a good look because the first step in building a healthy,

Loving,

Supportive relationship with yourself is to be honest,

To be radically honest about what your relationship with yourself is like now.

That's the first step.

We got to know what we're working with.

If we're going to be on this healing journey,

If we're going to be on this journey of growth and development.

So I encourage you to think about that.

And I've also created a fun quiz to help you with that.

So if you're wanting to kind of go down this path of exploring your relationship with yourself,

I created a quiz called Which Date Night Are You?

And you can find that quiz.

It's 10 questions.

It's really easy.

It's really fun and it'll help you to start thinking about what is my relationship with myself like?

What are the great things about it?

What are the challenges there?

So I encourage you to take the quiz.

It's a lot of fun and you can take the quiz at dradugudin.

Com forward slash quiz.

So go to dradugudin.

Com forward slash quiz.

Take the quiz and please share it with me.

I'd love for you to send me a DM or share your results even better yet and tag me so I can know which date night you are.

I created the quiz because I think it's really important to have some fun and some levity in this process,

Right?

We want to have fun with ourselves.

We want to play with ourselves,

Right?

The goal of this is not to say,

Oh God,

I have a bad relationship with myself and now this is another reason to beat myself up and that's another reason I'm not worthy like no,

Right?

The goal is to be like,

Okay,

Like I really have not been treating myself very well.

Like,

Ooh,

I got some I got some cleaning up to do.

Let's go.

What's one thing I can do today to be kind to myself or to honor myself or to honor my boundaries.

Let's have fun with this process.

I know that sometimes this work is heavy and I want you to enjoy the journey.

The point isn't just to get to a goal and to push yourself hard until you get to this goal of unconditional self-worth.

The point is to start living from a space of worthiness and we can do that each and every day.

We have a choice in that any moment when we notice what's happening and how we're treating ourselves and that's my goal is to lead you in this journey and this process.

So my hope is that this episode has been thought-provoking and it's making you think about your relationship with yourself.

I will be launching a course that is all about our relationships with ourselves at the end of September beginning of October 2021.

So please look out for that because it's going to be a really awesome course to get you started on this journey to self-worth through building a healthy relationship with yourself.

So stay tuned for that.

Make sure you take the quiz.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

I'm going to share a lot of resources that will support you in creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

So you want to get access to those resources by taking the quiz and entering your email at the end and you know,

Stay tuned.

I'm really excited for this season.

We are going to have some awesome episodes with guests.

So I have invited my friends who are experts in all sorts of areas to share their own self-worth stories and to share how their areas of expertise intersect with self-worth.

So we're going to be talking about leadership.

We're going to be talking about trauma.

We're going to be talking about family.

We're going to be talking about all sorts of things and how they relate to self-worth.

So I can't wait to have you listen to all of these amazing episodes we have coming.

Please like this podcast.

Please leave a rating and review on Apple podcast that really helps us helps more people to see the episode and make sure to share it and tag me when you share it on social media.

Thank you as always so much for listening and I can't wait to see you for our next episode,

Which is going to be all about how self-worth relates to our relationships and how we can have sort of relational self-awareness.

I'm going to have a guest.

There's a good colleague and expert in the area of relational self-awareness.

And so we're going to be talking about all of that next week.

Bye until then.

Reviews

Amazing! This talk was positive, energizing, upbeat, and authentic. It felt like those conversations you have with friends and their enthusiasm is just infectious in the best way.

I resonated with the ‘self-criticism motivates me’ portion. Up until very recently, I never stopped to consider the long-term detrimental effect it was having on my well-being and happiness.

Thank you for sharing this talk, for sharing your own journey to feeling unconditionally worthy, and although I am about three years late, congratulations on your wedding!

Truly thought provoking and inspiring to finally begin a better relationship with myself.