The topic of boundaries is a popular theme in therapy and an important personal practice when you are seeking to make your life better and to feel an ease in happiness.
When you have clear and present boundaries that you live by,
It makes it easier to navigate your life.
It allows you the autonomy to always choose based on your needs and highest values,
And others appreciate and respect that you know yourself well and are consistent in your words and actions.
The definition of a boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
In this episode of Ask Dorothy,
I share one client's journey to repair the damage of not having healthy boundaries in place with the solution of building those boundaries now.
If your needs and requests have not been heard nor respected by others,
It's time to get clear about what is okay and what you no longer will continue.
Setting boundaries and then upholding them begins with a change in how you think and live your life and your willingness to honor yourself first.
Hello,
This is Dorothy.
In addition to each of the Sunday episodes of the Wisdom Podcast,
I'm so excited and honored to offer a second episode each week called Ask Dorothy.
These episodes offer a candid look at what happens inside a therapy and life coaching session with me.
You'll hear my honest and truthful observations and the process for how we arrive in a place of harmony,
Relief,
Clarity,
Understanding and the true change that happens in each and every session because of a client's willingness to grow,
To evolve,
To move beyond their comfort zone and into the revelation of what they learn,
What they are truly capable of and what they desire most for their life.
My job is always to support a client's progress and to provide them with the right tools,
Skills and best practices to ensure that each person reaches their goals,
Including to be all that they wish to become.
In other Ask Dorothy episodes,
I'll be hosting a Q&A,
Answering your questions and sometimes asking questions of you.
Whether it's to answer the questions that matter most to you or in sharing the love and wisdom of the inner workings of a session with me,
I hope you'll enjoy the Ask Dorothy series as an opportunity to have the knowledge and insight of what is possible and of what we can do together.
If you have a question that needs my love and guidance,
Write to me.
And so with that,
We jump into this episode of Ask Dorothy.
If you are unhappy with how others treat you,
If you have felt a lack of care and respect in the value that others show you,
And if others consistently make demands of you,
Of your time,
Effort,
Help and also love,
You may be listening because you realize it's time to set your boundaries and to better uphold what you decide for how you want to exist in your life and the parameters for your relationships.
To have healthy and clear boundaries,
You need three things.
First,
Self-esteem and self-worth,
The positive feelings you hold about yourself and your belief in your value.
Second,
You need self-knowledge,
Knowing yourself well,
Including your highest level values and ideals,
What you stand for and believe in and how you want to be treated.
And the third thing you need for healthy and clear boundaries,
Self-respect,
The esteem and regard that you hold for yourself that is built upon self-knowledge,
Self-worth and self-love.
Boundaries will be easy when you have each of these in place.
You can also become clear about your boundaries as you simultaneously discover and know yourself well and as you nurture and grow self-confidence and self-respect.
Boundaries are founded in childhood,
Taught by our family of origin.
We learn what the rules are for how to navigate our life at an early age.
We also experience a good degree of stability and consistency when we have clear boundaries established and upheld.
It makes it easier for a child to know what the rules are,
Even if they do not always agree with these rules.
You also learn from an early age how you would like others to treat you and also the expectations others have for how you should be.
Somewhere in all of this,
And as you establish what you believe in and what you stand for,
You will also decide what is important for how others treat you,
How you treat and respect yourself and how you shall treat all others.
Boundaries are in place to teach others how to be in relationship with you.
Boundaries are to protect you,
To keep you safe,
To ensure your emotional,
Psychological,
And physical needs,
And to support your free will choice in all moments.
If boundaries were not clear,
Nor consistent,
Or absent,
Or if you were raised in an environment where your parents or other caregivers did not respect your personal boundaries,
Then,
Even as you knew this was wrong,
Unhealthy,
Emotionally and psychologically,
Or even physically unsafe,
As a child,
And in situations where there is an imbalance of power,
You would have learned what it feels like to have your boundaries disrespected and to have little control over this.
If this message is repeated consistently,
A pattern develops.
Even though you don't want others to mistreat you and to ignore your boundaries,
You have already learned that your boundaries are not respected,
And so you struggle with how to uphold them.
You also become resentful of the people that you love that continue to take advantage of your weak boundaries and the difficulty you have with saying no.
Some great questions to ask yourself right now.
What are my healthy boundaries?
For example,
Can I say no when something is not right for me?
Can I say no easily without fear of others being angry with me or hurting others' feelings?
Can I place my needs first when it comes to self-care and self-love and without feeling guilty or shameful?
What are the rules and allowances I have for how I live life,
And also for how I choose to navigate my relationships?
This one in particular is an excellent question to also journal on,
To encapsulate the best possible answer for you.
Can I make decisions that I know are best for me and carry them out because I am important?
There is a healthy approach to thinking about boundaries that always seem to open one's perspective.
I always share this with my clients.
Consider that your decisions and boundaries,
Whenever they are made to care for your well-being and happiness,
Can never harm another.
We all have struggled with changing our mind,
Cancelling plans when we have an honest change of heart,
Or saying no emphatically.
The truth is that if you are caring for your needs and what you know is right and best for you,
Then it's important to trust that others will learn to accept and understand your decision,
Your boundaries.
Those who love,
Respect,
And truly care about you will always uphold and honour your boundaries.
Just be honest and truthful with others about what is most important to you.
Many people,
When they begin to speak their truth and uphold clear boundaries,
Receive backlash when others have been used to getting what they want.
An important part of a loving and supportive relationship is to be willing to uphold the needs of others as separate from your own.
Someone honouring your needs,
Yet on their timeline,
Doesn't make you any less important.
Remember,
You need to matter most to yourself because you are the one that's driving your bus.
I think it's wonderful and loving,
And also important,
To do your best to help others whenever possible.
However,
To do so whilst still ensuring that you are looking after yourself and your needs,
And of course it goes without saying that you must first ensure that how you help and what you do for others is always aligned with your highest values and beliefs.
Healthy boundaries are indicative of a healthy sense of self and personal power.
Power because you hold good self-esteem and self-worth,
And you make the decisions that will best support and nourish you in your life.
Clients who want to address their lack of healthy boundaries and the desire to put clear communication in place do so because for so long they have allowed others' needs and demands to prevail.
Having unclear or too few boundaries,
Or being unable to speak up when boundaries are being stepped upon,
Contributes to a diminished sense of self.
Your self-effacing core beliefs,
I'm not worthy,
I'm stupid,
I'm not good enough,
I'm unlovable,
Become reinforced.
My client Ellen stated that people walk all over me,
Especially my husband.
In a recent session,
Ellen introduced her need and desire for boundaries.
Some of the homework questions I had given Ellen in a previous session included,
What would allow you to feel authentic happiness?
We attribute healthy boundaries to feeling happy and secure,
Knowing that we can take care of our needs as we prioritize our time and focus unto ourself.
As Ellen had recently separated from her husband,
She described how she was finally able to speak up on matters relating to their daughter.
She decided that her daughter would go to school in the new town that Ellen moved to,
And she also outlined firm yet kind resolve,
The terms by which their daughter would visit her father.
Boundaries relating to herself,
Ellen realized,
Were a lot harder to uphold.
It can be easier to say no and to clearly define what matters most when it is in the interest of someone you love.
But when you have to stand up for what you want and to not be moved to compromise or acquiesce in fear or avoidance of causing a conflict,
If this is something that you've not always done,
It can cause a great deal of stress and unhappiness.
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries for you to model.
First,
Know the limits by which you feel comfortable and which uphold your personal beliefs and values.
The goal is to not compromise these for others.
Someone who truly loves you will never ask you to do anything that goes against your morals and beliefs and what you value.
Second,
Say no when it is no.
For example,
No thank you,
No that doesn't work for me,
I'm sorry,
No that isn't possible,
No I cannot,
And accept when others say no.
In a love relationship,
There's always a way to cooperate and to find win-win solutions where both people can have their needs met.
Third,
Communicate healthy knowledge of yourself and your needs.
Knowing yourself well allows you to state this and helps you to be clear about what you stand for and believe.
It's okay to have differing beliefs with someone.
It's likely not helpful to have many differing beliefs with a partner with whom you are in a long-term love relationship.
Fourth,
Define your sense of self.
Know yourself best and be proud of who this is,
Even as you may be continuing to work on aspects of yourself.
Fifth,
Know that your needs and desires are equally as important as the needs and feelings of others.
Sixth,
Know that you have the right to your emotions and feelings.
These are subjective to you and are not wrong.
And finally,
Respect others' values,
Beliefs,
And opinions,
Even when you do not agree with these,
Whilst respecting your own values,
Beliefs,
And opinions.
These are the simple strategies for getting started.
It's important to remember that this is also a work in progress.
As you begin to set boundaries and as you teach others what your rules are,
You will easily see who is respectful and loving of your needs and who continues to press and push back.
The practice is to set boundaries with everyone based on what you have decided to be best and right for you.
Not at the expense of another,
But in the new behavior of identifying your needs first,
Rather than allowing others to deem what you should do.
Your boundaries must always align with your highest good.
And what will best care and uphold what allows you to function at your best.
The first step is to get clear about what is okay and what is not.
I always encourage clients to write a list of the boundaries that they need to have with others and why.
The why helps establish their importance and reaffirms your emotional needs beyond what tasks or responsibilities you need to manage in your own life.
It's also important to understand your personality and from where you have learned how to please others or do for others at the expense of your own needs.
Some of these patterns are well rehearsed and may have been learned out of a fear of recrimination,
Withholding behavior,
Or punishment.
For example,
It may have been important for you at one time to appease others who you were in some way dependent upon.
Ellen's first husband was both verbally and physically abusive,
And with small children to raise and no finances of her own,
She became accustomed to relinquishing her needs and her boundaries in an effort to keep the peace.
This did not always have its intended effect,
And yet it continued to reinforce the pattern of self-sacrifice and allowing others to mistreat her by choice.
To set healthy boundaries,
To be able to draw a line in the sand in moments when what others are asking or demanding of you is something that you do not want,
And what is not right and best for you,
Begin with these questions.
What is most important for me to feel happy?
What do I need right now?
Does this decision honor me?
What is best for me in this situation?
It's not about rejecting someone.
Boundaries are in place to help support your needs and offer guidance and information for others to be able to treat you the way in which you want to be treated.
You may decide,
For example,
That in your love relationship you will not tolerate abusive language or swearing if it is directed at one another.
This is a clear boundary,
And it is also a need and desire based on your rules for what is healthy and loving in a relationship.
A new thought paradigm that was helpful for Ellen and many others was the idea that she could think of her needs first and also give these needs to herself without rejecting the needs of others.
Ellen's adult children who continue to make demands on her time and resources could still be helped,
But with the flexibility of honoring her schedule and her needs for self-care and authentic happiness.
If you are bombarded with requests from others that make demands on your time,
Even if you enjoy their company,
It is still important to check in with yourself before you commit.
When you have self-care and self-love activities built into your life,
These become important emotional,
Psychological,
And physical supports that allow you to feel at your best.
It makes it easier to give to others when you also give to yourself.
Ellen learned that small steps were valuable.
She could begin to implement her chosen boundaries with close friends and others with whom she could trust would understand a no answer,
Or the new resolve that she would be more responsive to her needs first.
Ellen would also practice boundary setting with her husband and her older children with an announcement of this new practice and to ask for their support of this.
To have your loved ones buy in is helpful for when you need to remind them that they are pushing or even overstepping your boundaries.
Ellen's biggest practice was going to be speaking up when her boundaries,
Spoken clearly,
Were not being observed nor respected.
I also encouraged her to practice encouraging self-talk to remind herself that it was perfectly acceptable to have her own boundaries and that this was one positive path to feeling confident and greater happiness.
Ellen also came up with two affirming statements that she would memorize to help her speak up when her boundaries were being pushed.
For example,
I would like it if you would honor my wishes about this and I just wanted to repeat my request and ask that you respect my decision.
If you would like my help as you name and enforce your personal boundaries and your ability to honor yourself more,
Please reach out to me.
Let me help.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonore Juno.
Namaste.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Wisdom Podcast.
To hear more,
Please check out the other episodes right here and I'd love for you to subscribe to the podcast so you'll know when each new episode is released.
Join me on this incredible journey into self-love,
Self-actualization,
Living your truth and being remarkable as you live an incredible life.
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I'd love for you to share it with someone you know would also benefit from listening.
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There is so much here for you to discover.
Allow yourself to go within,
To access your inner wisdom and to live this.
Awaken your authentic power.
Live your truth and most of all,
Be loved.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Wisdom Podcast.
Sending you great love.
This is Dorothy Zanuri Juno.
Namaste.
