I ask my clients to make a pact with themselves as they begin working with me,
To be wholly and completely honest with themselves and with me.
It may be a given for some that therapy requires total honesty,
But if someone is not used to being wholly honest with their self,
It usually plays out here in our work as well.
And without a doubt,
It impedes the therapy and coaching process of what they can accomplish when they are withholding or in not being honest with their self or me.
If you are not honest with yourself and in default,
Not honest with others,
If this becomes a progressive pattern,
You begin to lose sight of what is true.
Your default becomes what you tell yourself.
What you tell yourself is not necessarily accurate nor true.
And without the skills and tools for examining whether your inner narrative is accurate,
You believe the thoughts you hold.
You convince yourself of something based on your lived experiences up to this moment,
Your current mood state,
And of course the biases that have become learned beliefs.
This insular way of living means that you believe what you convince yourself of,
Even when it is inaccurate,
Self-sabotaging,
Diminishing in confidence,
Destructive to your love relationships,
Dishonest in the stories you tell,
The way you live your life,
And consequently,
Even if you do not notice,
It will eradicate self-worth and esteem.
To practice what I call radical self-honesty is to question the familiar line of thinking and the go-to familiar patterns that create the same outcomes.
You feel rejected,
Alone,
Unloved,
Hurt,
Victimized,
Angry,
Resentful.
Your feelings are real.
It's just that the thoughts and perceptions driving these emotions are not entirely accurate nor true.
The truth does set you free.
Radical self-honesty frees you to live your truth.
I ask for radical self-honesty when answering any of my questions and for clients to practice being more honest than what they might feel comfortable with.
The results,
Nothing less than astounding.
For as much as someone may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar with the idea of challenging their inner narrative,
The thoughts that no one else hears that can easily slip by you because to admit something to yourself or another can be intimidating.
It can be scary.
It can feel like you are admitting failure when really it's about giving yourself the freedom and the courage to be truthful.
Complete self-honesty is liberating.
It offers relief.
It frees you to have a conversation about what the real problems are.
And it helps those in therapy and coaching to be able to look at themselves and their situation with a level of intimacy and openness to learning.
That creates self-revelation that is both awe-inspiring and empowering because you are seeing the problem rather than escaping it.
While self-deception on a subconscious level serves a purpose,
It helps you to avoid emotional discomfort,
Social rejection,
Conflict,
Or failure.
Still,
Your self-deception creates stress in the brain and body.
It triggers a conflict between your thinking and actions and your ideal or authentic self.
You may continue in self-deception as a learned behavior,
Initially to temporarily feel better or to avoid a perceived or real uncomfortable situation.
However,
You end up creating a more stressful experience because the brain in particular,
The regions in the frontal and parietal cortex show higher activation when lying,
Indicating increased cognitive load or effort compared to being truthful and honest,
Whether to yourself or another.
While lying can be stressful,
This behavior becomes habit to avoid facing harsh realities of the truth.
This is a form of what is called cognitive error that deepens patterns of feeling anxious and or depressed.
To lie triggers the release of stress hormones.
It increases heart rate,
Blood pressure,
And cortisol levels.
When I'm working with clients who suffer from anxiety and depression,
It's always important to help them understand how their thoughts create their feelings.
It's actually more helpful to you to admit the truth to yourself,
Even when the truth is difficult and requiring hard work to fix because now you have a truth in front of you that you can problem solve and figure out what answers will best help you.
When you avoid the truth,
You remain stuck in a feedback loop because your brain is trying to figure out solutions to the problem,
And yet you are avoiding the real problem with self-deception.
Anxiety and depression can be alleviated by learning the tools for challenging the thoughts that you hold moment by moment.
Once you learn how to challenge your thinking,
And this is done with predominantly cognitive behavioral therapy tools,
And then to correct a thought with what is accurate and true,
No matter how difficult it is to face the truth,
You actually begin to feel relief because you can now work toward a solution.
Once you start practicing radical self-honesty with yourself,
First and foremost,
You begin to realize that the truth isn't something you need to fear at all,
Rather lean into.
Like the adage,
You can't fix a problem unless you acknowledge that a problem exists,
Revealing what is wholly accurate and true,
Not necessarily what you are telling yourself,
But the actual truth is the first step in what allows you to solve a dilemma and the situations that you continue to find yourself in.
And this always means taking a hard look at yourself first and consistently.
As children,
We are inherently honest.
We learn how to be untruthful,
To lie,
To omit some or all of the truth,
Largely out of self-preservation.
We fear telling the truth for being punished and unloved.
If you allow a child to tell you the truth and then have a dialogue with them about their choices without criticism or anger or in diminishing their character,
It will be easy for your child to admit when they have made a mistake,
When they have done something that they were asked not to do.
You then have an opportunity in that moment to discuss the right choice and to understand the thought processes of your child whilst you can still influence and positively guide them in their decision-making.
You may be surprised to discover how your child's thinking and rationale was largely innocent and based in what they had hoped would work best and often in seeking feelings of belonging and approval.
It probably isn't a lot different from being an adult and telling a lie.
As adults,
We lie,
We speak and believe our own inner untruths to appease ourself and to eliminate suffering.
When we can acknowledge this,
We realize that our untruths build their own set of deceptions that culminate in a web of stories,
That is,
Versions of the truth that we want to believe,
That we want to convince ourselves of in order to continue on a path that we have already begun,
Even while we know that our choices are not ideal nor best and in some cases,
Self-destructive.
We are untruthful,
And as a learned behavior,
Because we have been taught to believe that upholding certain values and practices will somehow be the right decision,
Even when our experience thus far has not been positive nor productive.
If you can begin one change about how you live your life,
Begin with your decision to be positive.
Be radically self-honest.
Catch yourself when you are telling an untruth in your mind,
When you are convincing yourself of something because you want it to be true,
No matter how innocent or minor it may seem,
And stop.
Make a point to stop yourself,
Even if you are mid-sentence in conversation with another and correct what you are saying.
When you are telling yourself something that you want so desperately to be true,
Pay attention to whether you are being wholly honest or if you are avoiding what is true in place of what you wish for.
You define what is true with this question.
Is this really true?
From here,
You can begin to see just how easy it can be or it has been to misinform,
To mislead,
And to misguide yourself.
One of my clients recently admitted having lived some big untruths to herself and to me.
Her path currently,
As she describes it,
Is finding the pieces of myself.
It's what can happen when you deny yourself what you really want,
When you conform based on others' desires or the deeply embedded social mores that influence our choices.
Now and at this stage in her life,
She is deeply committed to being wholly honest with herself and living what is right for her.
Life is meant to be enjoyed.
You can enjoy your life when you face what problems may be present with clear knowing,
With whole honesty,
And the choice to acknowledge what is true,
Even when you would rather not have to.
It's in being radically honest in that moment that something shifts within you.
You align yourself with the truth,
And this feels powerful.
When you are truthful with yourself first and then with others,
You liberate yourself.
You immediately know what you need to do next to fix a problem,
To find a solution,
To become better at knowing what is best for you.
And thus,
Your growing confidence motivates you to be more self-honest and truthful with everyone.
Honor yourself,
Honor your truth,
Be radical,
Be honest,
Be real.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonore Juno.
Namaste.
