What Your Triggers Are Really Trying To Show You

Your human self sees it as an attack. An insult. Someone hurting you, disappointing you, not showing up the way you need them to.

But what if you looked at it from a soul perspective instead?

From that vantage point, it's a completely different story. The people who trigger you most aren't attacking you—they're messengers and mirrors, showing you exactly where your healing wants to happen.

And when you start seeing your relationships this way, something remarkable happens: old, unhealthy patterns begin to shift. You stop feeling so disappointed, so hurt, so at the mercy of other people's behavior. And in their place, you start creating relationships that are mutually fulfilling—rooted in truth, wholeness, and real connection.

This is for you if you're tired of feeling stuck in the same relational patterns, if you sense there's a deeper meaning in your struggles, and if you're ready to reclaim your power—not by changing anyone else, but by coming home to yourself.

Transcript

I wanted to speak about becoming a leader of our own lives, Not by controlling everything around us, But by using all of life as fodder for our growth, Our healing, Evolution, And our awakening. And one of the most powerful ways that we can do that is by shifting the way that we see our relationships. So that's what we're going to talk about today, Seeing everyone as a messenger and a mirror. So while I resisted this fact of life for a long time, I truly believe that understanding and living in accordance with this has been life-changing for me. And that is the idea that everyone is a messenger and a mirror for us. That they're all here to tell us through their actions, Through their words, Through the ways that they offend us and upset us and hurt us, They're here to tell us something about ourselves, To reveal things that we cannot or will not see about ourselves and our lives. But it's only about 100% of the time. But seriously, Seriously, It really is happening all the time. And now I'm convinced that it's by design. Now that I've been living this way for over a decade, I would say that I see it as a divinely orchestrated process that helps us to experience what we're here to experience, To grow from those experiences, To learn the lessons that we're meant to learn, And to become the fullest expression of who we are meant to be. Who we were born to be. So let me tell you more. People's behaviors and their words, They're all meaningful. And so often we get so caught up in that they're doing something to us or saying something insulting or that they're just not doing something that we want them or need them to do that we miss the message. We miss the gift. Now I want to just be super clear before we go any deeper on this. I am not saying that everything that anyone does is acceptable. Not at all. In fact, They might have very bad behavior. They might be crossing a line. They might say things that are very offensive. They might be very insulting. They might be critical and judging. Ed is all possible. You might have boundaries that you need to put in place in your life. All of that is possible. And here's the thing. What I've come to see is that it is incredibly hard for us to see clearly until we've done the inner work first. And here's why. When we haven't done our inner work, And even if we have done our inner work. It can still catch us off guard. Our perception is clouded by our unhealed wounds. It's clouded by our unexamined belief systems, Our fears, And other residual muck. And what happens is we're looking at the situation through a lens of our guilt and our shame and our fear and our trauma. So think about trauma lenses, That they're broken or they're dark or there's parts that have dirt over them. So it's very, Very hard to tell the difference between this person's being genuinely harmful versus this person is triggering my own pain and showing me where I need to heal. It's hard to assess for a fact what the meaning is of a situation until we've gone in and done some introspection and we've asked ourselves, Like, What is this bringing up for me right now? So the deal is this, When we feel triggered by somebody, Emotionally activated, When our nervous system gets dysregulated, And we feel like we need to defend ourselves or protect ourselves, When we feel judgmental and critical of another person, Or somehow we feel hurt or wounded by something that somebody said, It's not to say that that's not a valid experience at all. We want to learn from that situation. We want to focus more on the experience that we're having and our perceptions of the situation than focusing on the bad behavior of the other person. And that is the pathway for us to be able to heal and grow and evolve and awaken. So let me just first break down what I mean when I say that everyone's a messenger and a mirror. You're probably starting to already get a sense of it, But let me tell you much more specifically with some examples. They are very, Very tightly linked, And you do not need to differentiate between the two of them. The gist of it, And then it's more about can you see things from this perspective rather than the way that most of us have learned and do see. Our relationships and our interactions with other people. So let's talk about the messenger part first. When I say that someone is a messenger, What I mean is this. Their soul is delivering a message to your soul through their behavior or their words, Through the way that they trigger or they activate you, Through their tone, Whatever it is. It's like their soul has something that it needs to tell your soul. And sometimes that message is uncomfortable. It might be painful and it might take us years to even realize that there was a message at all because we might be stuck in blame for 20 years, Maybe toward our parents, Toward a friend. Whomever. And sometimes it's just hard to find. But it's there. And here's the thing. They're not. Typically doing this consciously. They don't wake up and think, Oh, Today I'm going to deliver a message. To Susan from my soul to her soul. No, But on a soul level, On an energetic level, There's this communication happening and there's something trying to get through to you. And by the way, Of course, It's happening the other way too. You are bringing soul messages to them. The ways that you show up and you activate other people and trigger them is also an opportunity for them to grow and to heal. So think of it this way, Their behavior is triggering something in you so that you can see it, Feel it, And ultimately heal it. And vice versa. The trigger is the message. So let me give you an example. Let's just say that you've been making some big investments in yourself lately. Maybe you've been spending money and time on coaching. Programs, Retreats, Online courses, You've been investing in your own growth, Your own self, Your own dreams. And one day, You're having a chat with a close family member or a friend, And you just tell them what you've been up to, And this person asks some questions. But you walk away feeling maybe criticized or unsupported. You feel defeated. Now here's the tricky part. Maybe they are being genuinely critical. Or maybe they're saying things that you perceive to be critical. So let's unpack this a little bit. The first question that they asked was, What did you actually get from all those things that you spent money on? Perhaps this person could have asked the question with more care, But they also may have been genuinely interested in the answer. Unfortunately, Your insecurity about spending too much money may have left you perceiving their question as a judgment. The next question they asked was, Oh, You did three courses this year? This could have been totally innocent, Like they thought you only did two courses, And they were just clarifying. But what did we hear? We hear criticism. We did something wrong. We're bad. We didn't spend our money well. We're not good enough. We're not making progress. We're not doing it right. I know. I've been there. And here's where the message lives. In the feeling that gets triggered. The feeling of being not good enough or I'm wasting my money. These judgments or stories that are in our head. I shouldn't be investing myself. Those are the important bits. That's where the message is. That's what their soul is bringing to the surface of your soul to see and to heal. Because here's the truth. If you didn't have the guilt and the shame inside of you first, If you didn't have this tape playing, Their words wouldn't even land. They wouldn't stick. They'd just bounce off. If they said some completely random thing to you. About it. You wouldn't even think about it. You might just think that was random, And you would just blow it off, Right? But they do land and they do stick because there's something inside of you that resonates with what they're saying. There's a part of you that already believes that you're not good enough, That you're wasting money, And that you shouldn't take up space or you shouldn't prioritize yourself. And their words, Whether they meant them to be critical or not, Are the messenger. Bringing that hidden belief to the surface so you can finally see it and do something about it. They're simply the messenger nudging you to see what you're ready to see. I want to be really clear about this. I truly believe that it's when you're ready to see it that it comes up. I actually believe it's because you're at a certain level of your own growth and healing, Or you're in a relationship with someone where you feel safe enough, Or that you have enough capacity within you to be ready to see it. And so let's talk about the message that you might be getting, The message that the messenger is delivering is like, It's time for you to heal your relationship with money, Or you're ready to learn to trust yourself. Or explore and release the guilt you carry about making yourself a priority. Sometimes the message is hard to hear. Sometimes the delivery of the message is downright mean and unfair. But it's always there for your evolution. But what do we do typically? We typically shoot the messenger. Our automatic reaction, Oftentimes before we can even catch it, Is to avoid feeling the pain it touched and instead project it back onto them, Blame them, See them as the villain. We're the victim. Our ego defense mechanism will do anything to keep us from feeling the pain of unworthiness, Failure, Shame, Guilt, Judgment. In order to avoid feeling that feeling and feel more certain and safe in that situation, We blame them for hurting us. We turn it to them. They're wrong. They're bad. They're the one that does those mean things. They're always saying mean things. But when you understand that they're a messenger, That at some soul level, They're trying to talk to your soul and help your soul evolve, It changes everything. These days I look at it and like, Thank you. Thank you so much for showing me another thing about myself that I'm ready to heal. So what happens is you stop being a victim of what they're doing to you, And you start wondering how this might be here for you. You start to become a detective, Looking for clues about what they're showing you about yourself. You start asking different questions. What is this actually triggering in me? What old wound is it poking at? What belief about myself is being revealed here? And what am I being invited to heal? You start looking for trailheads and breadcrumbs that lead you deeper into your own healing. And your own liberation. And suddenly, Even the most disappointing relationships and circumstances become opportunities instead of burdens. Okay, Let's move into the mirror part, Because this is slightly different from the messenger concept, But just as powerful. When I say someone is a mirror, What I mean is this. They're reflecting back to you things about yourself that you cannot or will not see. The mirror shows you maybe how you talk to yourself, How you treat yourself. What you believe about yourself. What you're actually doing that you can't see. Aspects of yourself that you don't want to be? So the key distinction is that the messenger delivers a message through triggering you, And the mirror reflects what's already there that you're blind to. Now, Here's what's interesting. The same situations can be both a messenger and a mirror at the same time. Let me show you what I mean by going back to the spending example. And again, You do not have to differentiate these. I just want you to understand it in its completion. So I'm sharing both of it. You don't have to pick it apart and know whether someone's being a messenger or a mirror just to believe that they're lumped together. So as someone questions your spending on personal growth, Maybe as a messenger, They're triggering your guilt and your shame. So you can see it and heal it. Their soul's delivering a message, Maybe something like, Hey you, There's some unhealed stuff about worthiness, About investing yourself, And maybe about money. And why don't you take a look at that? As the mirror, They're reflecting possibly how you actually talk to yourself about money. Or investing in yourself, Or making yourself a priority. And they might also be showing you a shadow part, Maybe a part of you that judges people. Who spend money on themselves or a part that reject it. Being indulgent or selfish with resources. If you were thinking about the experience about spending money, You might ask yourself some questions. What do you say internally when you spend money on yourself? You might ask how you feel about yourself when you invest in your growth. Maybe what your secret beliefs are. Do you think that you're being indulgent or wasteful or selfish? And do you doubt the decisions you make? Do you trust yourself? Do you criticize yourself? These are just ways that you can reflect internally. That person who asks those questions, Possibly innocently, They're holding up a mirror to your own inner dialogue. If you beat yourself up internally, You're going to attract people who beat you up externally. If you don't trust yourself, You'll likely attract people who don't trust you. If you don't believe that you're making progress, You're going to attract people who question whether you're making progress. The mirror shows you. This is how you're treating yourself. This is what you're not seeing in yourself. And here's the really wild part, That once you start treating yourself differently, The mirror changes. Either those people start treating you differently, Or they naturally fall away from your life. Or their behavior just doesn't bother you anymore because you're no longer doing it to yourself. But the mirror doesn't just show you how you treat yourself. It also shows you parts of yourself that you've rejected or that you've banished into the dark recesses of your mind. These are your shadow parts. Let me just try to illuminate this with an example and I'll tell you a little bit more about the shadow. Maybe there's someone in your life who's really selfish. They always put themselves first. They don't think about other people's needs and it drives you crazy. You judge them super hard for that. So that's strong judgment. That's a mirror showing you a shadow part. Now, You might be thinking, But I'm not selfish. I'm always putting everyone else first, And that is actually my whole problem. Exactly. You completely rejected selfishness as bad, So you swung all the way to the other extreme, And you made it unacceptable to put yourself first, To have needs, To take up space. And that part of you, The part that wants to be selfish sometimes, Maybe that needs to put yourself first sometimes, Is in your shadow. AKA it's tucked away deep into your unconscious mind, Which is why you can't see it. You've disowned it. But it's there. And the person who's too selfish is the mirror showing you the part of yourself that you won't let yourself see or explore. It's not about becoming that way. It's about coming into a healthier relationship with that aspect and choosing that you might want to use a little bit of selfishness to start to put yourself first sometimes. Here's another example. Maybe someone's really controlling, And it bugs you. You judge them for being so rigid and unable to go with the flow. And the mirror asks you, Where are you controlling? Maybe not the same way. Maybe you don't control other people, But maybe you're overly controlling yourself. Maybe you have rigid rules about what you can and cannot do, And you're unable to let yourself ever be spontaneous. Or maybe the opposite. Maybe you judge someone for being flaky and unreliable because you have had to be so reliable for your whole life that you disowned the part of you that wants to be free and spontaneous. The shadow isn't always about reflecting or doing the same behavior. It's about the quality that you've rejected in yourself. That's now showing up in someone else so you can see it, Own it, And integrate it. But again, It's a little nuanced. It's not just a cut and dried thing. Oh, I see this. That means that I have this shadow part. It can be a little bit more complex than that. Because here's the truth. We need all of ourselves. We need our selfishness and our generosity. We need our control and our spontaneity. We need our reliability and our freedom. And when we reject, Any part of those as bad, We really become incomplete. And the mirror will keep showing us those parts in other people and activating us until we're willing to bring them home to ourselves. Now the mirror doesn't just show up in big, Triggering moments. Sometimes it's really subtle. And these subtle moments are just as important. Actually, Maybe even more important to become aware of because they're easier to miss. And I really believe that the more that we've worked through the big, Triggering moments, The more subtle these kinds of things get. The more that I call our ego trickster comes in and plays little moves, And we're so easily able to convince ourselves, Well, It's not true in this situation. But remember what I told you. It's true. Hundred percent of the time. I'm sure you can find something to defy that truth, But if you are activated, You're judgy, You're kind of critical, You're feeling a little something inside of you that's like, They shouldn't be that way. They shouldn't do that. That's wrong. There's a way that we can be discerning. But if it's activating us inside of ourselves, We probably have a little bit of work to do before we're going to be able to handle and see that situation with clear lenses. So here's another example. So imagine you're a personal growth teacher or coach, And you're on a Zoom call for a coaching certification program. And the teacher, Who you adore and respect, Just cannot seem to get to their point. He's rambling on and on and on, And you feel some judgment and irritation. You're not mad, Not even close to triggered, But there's a little edge of get to the freaking point already. That mild irritation, It's just an invitation to reflect internally and wonder, What's this showing me? Do I do that? What's going on with me right now? Wait, Do I ramble when I teach? Hmm. And perhaps you walk away with that experience, Learning that you might want to become more aware of how you speak when you're teaching, Or maybe you realize you want to be more concise. It could be showing you something that you desire to do better on. And it's not a bad thing. That's a great thing. But here's the other side of it. And this goes back to contradict my 100% theory. Maybe you were just tired and irritable and you just felt time crunched and had nothing to do with your teaching style. But here's the thing, It's always worth the examination, In my opinion. And in my experience. And the truth is, It's usually both. It could be that we were just a little tired, A little irritable, And it bothered us more than it normally would bother us. Usually we would just blow it off and just move on. But it gave us a chance to say, Well, Maybe it's something I want to work on. Maybe, Maybe not. Okay, Here's one more. You have a friend, And every time you're together, Getting coffee or lunch. She's checking her phone constantly, And it feels really dismissive, And it makes you feel really uncomfortable when you're with them. The mirror asks, Where am I not fully present with myself? Where am I going through the motions in my life and I'm distracted? Where do I tune myself out? Or maybe even. . . With whom do I check my phone during conversations? Now, This might be a moment where you realize that you want to make a request to this friend and ask them to not check their phone, Or maybe come up with an agreement that you're going to put your phones in your bags during your conversations. She may or may not oblige that, But I'm not trying to say that there aren't times for a boundary or a request. It's just start with us first and make sure that there's not a lesson or a reflection for us in that. So these small irritations, These minor little judgments, They all have the potential to reflect something for us, To show something to us that we might not otherwise be seeing. The key is to ask ourselves, What is this showing about myself. What lessons, What things might I need to become aware of? Now, I'm also going to be super clear about something else. You don't have to do this every time. You don't have to make yourself crazy with it. But when something keeps coming up, When you notice a pattern of irritation or a pattern of judgment or a pattern of being actually triggered with the same behavior in different people, Or maybe even the same behavior with the same person, That's when you know the mirror is trying to show you something important. Now here's another layer that I think is really important to understand. Sometimes the message is in what they can't or won't do for you. And let me say that again, When someone cannot or will not do something for you, They're often sending a message to you too. Maybe you have a partner who can't meet your emotional needs in the way that you desperately want them to. Maybe you have a parent who can't give you the validation that you've been craving for your whole life. Or maybe you have a friend who cannot show up for you the way that you show up for them, And it hurts. It feels like rejection. It feels like maybe you're not worth the effort. But here's the message. You are really meant to learn to do this for yourself. If you have unmet childhood emotional needs, No partner, No matter how loving, No matter how well-intentioned, Can fully meet those needs. Because you're the only one that can reparent your inner child once you're an adult. If you're waiting for your mom to finally see you and validate you and affirm you, And she can't or she won't, The message is you need to learn to do this yourself. It's time for you to see yourself, To validate yourself, To affirm yourself. If you're waiting for some friend or someone else to make you feel worthy or safe or loved, The message is this. You're going to have to give that to yourself first. Listen, I just want to say something. It's super disappointing. I get it. I really was super bummed when I found this out because I was hoping someone would finally give me the things that I desperately was craving and needing and longing for. So you could say super disappointing. On the other hand, Since we can't control other people, It's an empowering message because it's like, Well, It does suck that they're not going to be able to give that to me, But. If you take a leap of faith and you believe what I'm saying and you start to give it to yourself, I don't know. Maybe things will change. And what I've seen. Is that it's pretty freaking amazing that once you do start to give it to yourself, A lot of times, People finally show up differently for us. A combination of reasons. Maybe it's because we're no longer coming to them from a place of desperation and emptiness. You're coming from the place of wholeness. And so they're just able to more freely share their love. Or if you go back to the mirror concept, I think they've just begin to reflect what you feel inside. They no longer have to play that sole part of teaching you this lesson, So they become free to give you what you no longer need, But that now that you can deeply enjoy receiving. So it is a leap of faith. You'd have to say, Wait, I'm going to give up all of my attempts and grasping and begging the other person to do this for me. And then maybe, Just maybe. If I give it to myself, I'll be okay. Here's the thing. I think that it's more likely that you're going to be more than okay. You're going to be fulfilled, Happy, Feeling safe, Loved, And absolutely deeply nourished in this world if we fill our own cup first, If we start with ourselves. And it just is disappointing because I think we've all been sold a message that other people are going to do that for us. Even if they don't change, Here's the thing. You're probably not going to be devastated by it anymore because you're not going to be dependent on them to give it to you. Because you're already giving it to yourself. So when you feel disappointed by somebody, And when they can't or won't give you what you need, And you start condemning them for their shortcomings, See if you can switch into seeing it as a gift. The gift is this. This is yours to do. This is your work. This is your invitation to step into your own power and give yourself what you've been waiting for someone else to give to you. And that message, My friends, Is a powerful, Life-changing message. So here's what you're going to start doing. Instead of asking, Why is this happening to me? You're going to start asking, What's this showing me? Instead of they're doing this to me, We're going to say, What message is trying to come through this person, Instead of feeling beaten down and hopeless about your difficult relationships, We're going to start to look for trailheads. We're going to start to be a detective. I would say the first thing that you can do is when you notice these situations, Just start to do some journaling, Maybe some self-inquiry. Ask these questions that I've been talking about in here. Talk to a friend who might be able to give you the space to get more clear on what you're actually really feeling rather than getting into a blame conversation. Find what wound it poked at. What are the underlying feelings, Fears, And needs? What's the guilt and the shame? Find the places where you're treating yourself the way you feel the other person treated you. And here's a really key question you can ask yourself that I think changes everything. What am I protecting? Because underneath all of this, All the accusations, The defensiveness, The coping mechanisms, The judgments, The blame, There's something tender. There's a part of us that feels unsafe, A part that feels scared, And a part that really just doesn't want to get hurt again. And deep down, We all want to feel understood, Safe, And for our pain, Our experience, Our feelings to matter. But it's impossible to give that or receive it when we're defending ourselves from it. And also. . . What we really need. Is to feel understood, Safe, And that our pain matters to ourselves first. I would just say this. Start treating yourself the way that you wish other people would treat you. Start giving yourself what you've been waiting for them to give you. Start being the person you needed them to be for yourself. And when someone shows you a shadow part, A quality that you've judged or rejected, Ask yourself, How might I need what I call a drop of this to feel more whole? Maybe their selfishness is inviting you to put yourself first. Maybe their chaos is inviting you to loosen your grip on control. Shadow parts aren't bad. They're just parts of you that got exiled. If we bring them back into balance, They can make us whole. And that's when everything starts to change. Look, I know that this is hard work. I know it's easier to stay in victim mode or waiting for other people to change. I know that it's more comfortable to blame somebody else and to look at our own patterns. Believe me. But here's what I also want you to know. When you start seeing everyone as a messenger and a mirror, You start to be a detective instead of a victim. You become empowered. You're no longer at the mercy of other people's behavior. You're no longer waiting for someone else to change so you can finally be happy. You're no longer stuck in disappointment and resentment. Instead, You're actively healing. You're actively evolving and expanding. Every difficult person becomes a teacher. Every painful interaction becomes an opportunity, And every disappointment becomes a doorway to self-love. That's the lens I want you to see your relationships through. Not as curses, But as gifts. Not as obstacles, But as messengers. Not as sources of pain, But as guides to show you what's deeply needing to be felt and healed. Instead of a victim. This is about becoming the leader of your life by using all of life as fodder for your own growth, Healing, Evolution, And awakening. Pain is the portal. The obstacle is the path. Triggers are trailheads. Bitter moments are the medicine. Every difficult person, Every disappointing situation, Every moment that makes you want to point the finger outward, These are invitations. They're invitations to go inward, To ask better questions, To heal what's ready to heal. And this is how you will become the emotionally mature, Spiritually whole person that you are meant to be. Not by waiting for the world to change, Not by demanding that other people be different, But by doing your work, Your healing, Your own integration. And as you do, Everything shifts. The mirrors change, The messages get clearer, And you step into the most powerful version of yourself, The version that knows that she's not a victim of her relationships or her life, But she's the creator.