Sending Loving-Kindness to Every Part Of You: IFS Meditation

In this practice, Dan combines the tradition metta (loving-kindness) practice with the internal family systems model. He guides you through a step-by-step process of sending loving-kindness to every part of you, from the easiest and most likeable part to the trickiest part, which may be much harder to like. Slowly, you will begin developing greater compassion, warm-heartedness and understanding for all your parts. This will help you feel calmer, more at peace and compassionate to yourself in your day-to-day life.

Transcript

Hello my friend,

And welcome to this meditation which integrates traditional metta practice with the internal family systems model.

In Pali,

The language of the Buddha,

Metta means loving-kindness,

So this practice is intended to help you send warmth,

Care and kindness to every part of you,

From the parts that are easy to like to the vulnerable young parts who are in some kind of pain,

The parts which are helpful but quite neutral and you don't think about much at all,

And those you actively dislike,

Which can be extreme,

Annoying or even destructive in your life.

Richard Schwartz,

The founder of IFS,

Teaches us that there are no bad parts,

And what he means is that even the parts whose behaviour causes us problems are in fact desperately trying to help us,

So their intention is always to protect us in some way.

For example,

The part that makes us drink too much is usually just helping numb emotional pain like stress,

Anxiety or hurt,

And the part that makes us spend more than we can afford on shiny new things we don't really need has the same aim,

But is using distraction and a quick dopamine hit to help us cope with painful feelings.

Understanding that there are no bad parts,

That everyone in your internal system is either holding pain or trying to help you deal with pain,

Is one of the most profound and healing insights of this wonderful model.

It's just that this is a much easier concept to grasp than to put into practice.

So the following meditation is all about making this concrete,

Helping you generate warmth and understanding,

Even for those hard to like parts.

So let's begin.

Start by finding a comfortable position,

Either sitting or lying down,

Then take some nice deep breaths,

In through your nose and out through your mouth.

Keep breathing,

Making your breaths as slow,

Deep and steady as possible,

And now allow yourself to connect to a part of you for whom you have completely positive uncomplicated feelings.

This may be the part that helps you do your job effectively,

Earning you praise and accolades from your colleagues.

It might be you as a parent at your most patient,

Loving and kind.

This could be who you are when you're being a good friend,

Listening intently and providing wise,

Helpful advice to a friend who is struggling.

Take a moment to choose one of these parts,

Or another one that comes to mind,

Then picture this part in your mind's eye.

You may see an image of their face,

Or they might show up in some other form,

Or you might just have a sense of them as a presence,

Feeling or body sensation.

There is no right or wrong way to do this exercise,

So just go with whatever comes up for you.

Then holding this part in your awareness,

Repeat the following phrases.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

As you repeat each phrase in your mind,

Try to do so slowly,

With warmth and care.

Each phrase is a gift,

A heartfelt sign of appreciation,

So don't try and force anything,

But imbue each line with as much positive emotion as feels natural for you.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

If you get distracted,

It's completely fine.

Just bring your attention back to the phrases.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Now let this part fade in your mind's eye,

And turn your attention to a young part of you.

This may be a familiar part,

Perhaps one you've worked on in therapy or some other way.

Or if the IFS model is new to you,

Just imagine that little boy or girl who lives inside you,

Who we call your inner child.

He or she is small,

Vulnerable and hurting in some way.

These young parts of us carry all the memories,

Beliefs,

Feelings and experiences of difficult times in our lives.

So like any small child who is hurt or scared,

They just need some love,

Some attention,

Maybe a hug.

Hold this young part in your awareness,

And direct the loving-kindness phrases towards them.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Again,

If you get distracted,

It's fine.

Just gently bring your attention back to the phrases.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Now let this young part fade into the background,

And turn your attention to a neutral part.

This might be a side of you that just helps you get stuff done,

Like having a shower,

Making breakfast,

Commuting to work.

It could be the part that helps you do all those mundane daily chores,

That are dull but important for your life to keep working well.

Bring this helpful but neutral part to mind,

And direct the loving-kindness phrases to them.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Remember that,

Even though this is not the most glamorous part of you,

They too work hard to help you,

To make your life as good as possible,

So they deserve attention and appreciation as much as any other part.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Finally,

Let this neutral part fade into the background,

And turn your attention to a part you find tricky in some way.

This could be a firefighter,

Which is the kind of protector that tries to numb out or distract from painful emotions,

Putting out the flames of your pain as quickly as possible.

So it may be the part that makes you drink,

Smoke cigarettes,

Take recreational drugs,

Use pornography,

Spend hours binge-watching Netflix or glued to your phone.

It could be another kind of protector,

Like your worrier,

Who drives you crazy with endless loops of catastrophic worries about everything that could go wrong in your future.

It could be the critic,

Who gives you a hard time about every little thing you ever say,

Think or do,

Making you feel awful.

Pick one of these difficult parts,

But try to find one that's not too difficult,

And certainly not too scary for other parts inside.

So it should be a sort of 5 out of 10 difficulty,

Rather than 8 or 9.

When you have a tricky part that feels about right,

Prepare to send them loving kindness.

And if this feels too hard or even a little ridiculous,

If they're a part that causes problems in your life,

Remember we're appreciating their intention,

Not their behaviour.

And that intention is always to help you in some way,

Even when that's not so obvious.

If it feels too hard or overwhelming,

Feel free to switch your attention back to one of the parts you found easier to like.

Again,

There's no right or wrong here,

Just do your best.

And then send this part loving kindness.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Check in with your body from time to time,

And drop back into deep breathing if you feel a little tight or tense.

Then come back to the phrases.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you be free from suffering.

Now let this part fade into the background,

Then release all your efforts and rest.

As you do,

Check in to see how you're feeling.

You may notice some warmth inside,

Or a softening and releasing in your heart.

You might feel more self-energy than usual,

Which can feel calm,

Grounded and pleasurable.

Of course,

You may not feel anything like this,

Which is totally fine.

Part of the purpose of this practice is working your loving kindness muscles,

So it's all about the intention to feel warmly towards all your parts,

Rather than thinking or feeling any particular way.

And as we bring this practice to a close,

See if you can include little moments of metta throughout your day,

For yourself,

Your parts and the people in your life.

Thank you for meditating with me,

My friend,

And I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

That was really helpful, thank you 🙏🏻🪷✨️ your suggestions of what kind and intensity of parts suddenly hit home in a way that allowed understanding

Thank you, Dan, for this lovely meditation. I am doing Parts work with the Gupta Program and it comes to me at synchronized timing. I feel the warmth for my parts. Thank you. 🌹

Great way to help me calm the scared and unruly parts of me. Thanks 😊

Thank you Dan for bringing a new awareness to me of the different elements that make up me. I paused the meditation at each part to really think and give gratitude for its role in my being. At the end of the exercise, I felt empowered and happy. May you be happy, May you be healthy and may you live with ease 🙏. Blessings

Wow. How wonderfully kind and helpful. Thank you so much 🙏

Just excellent. You made the tricky IFS concepts accessible. Thank you!

Beautiful. A very therapeutic and accessible practice. 🙏🏽

Wow, this is a brilliant, creative blending of the traditional metta practice and IFS. Thank you so much. 🙏💖

Very helpful in cultivating calm and love for all of my parts. Thank you for this meditation. 🙏🏻🪷💖

Thank you. It brought tears to my eyes as I spoke to my inner child.

Thank you for this gentle and deeply healing meditation. The combination of metta and IFS is incredible. Just what my parts needed. Thank you! 🤍🙏🏼