Welcome to this short talk and practice on learning to forgive yourself.
I wrote this for anyone who struggles with harsh self-criticism,
Which is most of us at some point in our lives.
But sadly,
We know that if you have experienced trauma,
You're likely to be much more self-critical and that this criticism will probably be harsh,
Negative and attacking.
Even if you haven't experienced trauma,
There are many reasons why you may have allowed inner critic.
You may berate yourself about the smallest thing or monitor everything you think,
Say and do,
Checking for things that feel a little off,
Might have upset or angered someone,
Made you look foolish or been embarrassing in some way.
If any of this resonates,
I'm guessing you also find it hard to forgive yourself or let yourself off the hook for perceived mistakes or incidents in your life you're ashamed of for some reason.
And that's a horrible feeling,
Isn't it?
Feeling ashamed quite literally makes your skin crawl.
And we know that this is perhaps the most damaging and corrosive of all emotions.
It might also be helpful to understand the difference between embarrassment and shame.
So embarrassment is when we think we've done something wrong,
Like knocking over a glass of wine at the dinner table.
We might blush,
Feel all hot and bothered and find ourselves apologizing profusely.
But this is all about the incident rather than who we are as a person.
Shame on the other hand is all about who we perceive ourselves to be deep down.
So instead of thinking,
Oh that was clumsy and I do feel pretty uncomfortable,
But it's just one of those things.
Everyone can be clumsy sometimes.
We might think,
God I'm such a klutz,
I'm always doing stuff like that,
What is wrong with me?
Maybe it's true what my dad always said,
That I'm just a clumsy oaf and everyone at this dinner thinks I'm a fool.
See the difference?
One is about a simple mistake we made or the other is about our core sense of self.
Turning a simple act into a blanket attack on who we are and proof that we're stupid and worthless.
It's also easy to see why the second example is so much more destructive because this is likely to be part of a lifelong pattern of self-attack which erodes our confidence,
Self-esteem and self-worth.
Not good.
Again,
If this resonates for you,
I'm truly sorry.
You've probably experienced some really difficult things in your life which you didn't deserve,
Even if you thought you did.
You're a likable,
Lovable human being like every other person on this planet.
To help them understand this,
Something I often say to my clients is that you're not a bad person,
You're a good person that bad things happen to.
That's really important so let me say it again.
You're not a bad person,
You're a good person that bad things happen to.
Just let those words resonate for a few moments.
And now let's move into our practice.
Start by closing your eyes if that feels okay for you or soften and lower your gaze.
Then find a comfortable sitting posture,
Gently roll your shoulders back and let them drop.
Feel your chest opening up which will help you breathe more deeply.
Now take some nice deep breaths in through your nose,
Out through your mouth.
Try counting four seconds on the in-breath and four on the out-breath.
Keep breathing slow,
Deep and steady.
Then bring to mind a recent incident which made you feel a little ashamed.
Try to find something that's not too intense,
So four or five out of ten on the discomfort scale,
Not eight or nine.
Take your time and see if you can find something that will work for this exercise.
If you're struggling to think of anything,
Feel free to pause the practice at this point and give it a bit more thought until you locate something that feels right.
But if you have come up with something,
In your mind's eye just briefly imagine what happened.
Where were you?
Who were you with?
What did you say or do that led to the avalanche of self-criticism and self-blame?
Try not to get too involved in all the details,
Just sort of run it through quickly in your mind,
As if you're watching a speeded up video.
When you get to the end,
Check in with your body to see how you're feeling.
You may feel a bit stressed,
Anxious,
Upset,
Ashamed or some other uncomfortable feeling.
That's okay,
You don't need to fight these feelings or try and get rid of them.
Just let them be there for a few seconds,
Knowing that it's perfectly natural to feel this way.
Everyone makes mistakes and everyone feels badly sometimes,
So it's perfectly normal and a fundamental part of being human to feel this way.
Now check back in with your posture,
Which will probably have changed in some way.
You may notice your head and shoulders have slumped a little.
Your upper back,
Neck and face muscles may have tightened up.
You may be bracing,
As if for impact.
If so,
Feel your feet nice and grounded on the floor.
Gently roll your shoulders back and let them drop again.
Imagine an invisible string coming from the top of your head,
Pulling your head,
Neck and spine into alignment,
So you're sitting in an upright but relaxed posture.
Now breathe deeply again,
In through your nose and out through your mouth.
Make sure the breaths are slow,
Deep and as steady as possible.
Just keep breathing deeply for another 30 seconds.
Now,
If you're a parent,
I want you to imagine that your son or daughter just made the mistake you're berating yourself for.
If you don't have children,
This might be a niece,
Nephew or some other young family member you're fond of.
It could be a friend's child or any other child in your life you feel warmly towards.
And as you imagine this child,
Think about what you would say to them about making this mistake.
Would you be angry and critical with them?
And say it was their fault,
That they were stupid or some other horrible thing?
I very much doubt it.
So,
What would you say to them?
I'm guessing things like,
It's okay,
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
Or,
Don't worry,
It doesn't mean anything bad about you.
You're a wonderful,
Lovable little boy or girl.
And no one thinks badly of you,
Just because you made one silly mistake.
And think about the tone of voice you'd use to say these reassuring things.
If we want to comfort someone,
We automatically adopt a kind,
Friendly and warm tone.
So I'm guessing your words would sound something like that.
Also think about how you'd feel in your body as you comforted them,
Especially if you helped them feel better.
You might feel some warmth inside or softness.
You could feel a sense of kindness or compassion permeating your being.
Just stay with those feelings for a few seconds.
Now circle back to yourself and we're going to springboard from these feelings of warmth and kindness you generated for the young person you imagined.
Instead of berating yourself,
Try speaking to yourself with the same kindness,
Gentleness and understanding that you showed this young person.
This may be a bit of a struggle at first,
But just have a go.
There is no right or wrong with this technique.
It's just about trying it and seeing what happens.
Pay particular attention to your tone of voice,
Which should be warm,
Kind and friendly.
If you get stuck,
Try saying things like,
It's okay,
You just made a simple mistake.
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
Everyone does things they regret.
That's totally normal and no reason to be mad with yourself.
I know you're suffering right now,
But this too shall pass.
You will feel better and this incident will fade in time.
Then let go of speaking to yourself in this way and try repeating these words,
Slowly and with purpose,
Over and over.
I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
If you get distracted,
It's fine.
Just gently bring your attention back to the phrases,
I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
Then you can let go of the phrases,
Release all your efforts and rest.
As you do,
Scan your body to see if you notice any good feelings.
You might feel a bit warm inside,
A little calmer or more at ease.
If not,
That's totally fine.
But if you do notice any good feelings,
Spend a few seconds enjoying them and letting them soak into your body.
Finally,
In the coming days and weeks,
See if you can use this practice anytime you make a mistake,
Berating yourself or feel bad about yourself in some way.
Over time you'll build your forgiveness muscles,
So they become stronger and it's easier and easier to forgive yourself,
Which will help you feel calmer,
Happier and develop greater self-worth over time.
Thank you for listening and practicing with me today.
I hope you enjoyed that and found it helpful and that you have a wonderful day.
