Fading Before Dawn: Part 1 - Shadows

This series discusses suicidal thoughts, severe mental illness, and a distressing reaction to medication. Please take care while listening and step away if you need to. This is a series in which I share my personal experiences with mental illness, with a meditation following each section. I have lived with significant mental illness for much of my adult life, although for many years very few people knew just how difficult things had become.
Here, I take you back to where my mental health journey began. By sharing my own experiences, I hope to offer understanding and companionship to anyone who has struggled in silence, or who is finding it difficult to imagine a life beyond how they feel today.

Transcript

Chapter 1 Shadows an expression of sadness. I'm 40, And for 13 solid years of my life on this earth, I have suffered significantly from mental illness. But, For the first time in years, I feel better. I have had no choice but to sail upon the wild waves that my journey has thrown to me. Here is my story, Out from the shadows. I have lived in the shadows for most of my adulthood, Hidden from the light, Suffering in silence. But a silence that was never quiet. It was screaming so loud it was deafening, But only to me. I was consumed by the shattering reminders that people would judge me for having a mental illness. The thought of telling people that I was mentally unwell would make me feel an unbearable amount of discomfort. For many years, I couldn't even come to terms with having a mental illness. When I was younger, I didn't associate what was wrong with me with being mentally ill. I had anxiety, Panic attacks and depression. I wasn't ill. Then, When I got older, I was fully recovered, Right? I looked after the people that were ill. But in reality, I was ill. It was only a few years ago, When I was about 38, That I started to associate myself as a mental illness sufferer. Saying it out loud actually wasn't that bad. I didn't melt or pass away when I said it. In fact, It released some of the pressure I'd put on myself to seem well all the time. It helped me to understand what I'd been through and where I was now. Owning it helped me to step out of the shadows I'd been hiding in. And from those shadows came a light in my journey. A light that makes me want to share my story, In case it helps others with mental illness. It's a journey that I am now ready to share. A journey that I can now speak of. A journey that truly took me to what I thought was my ending, But in fact was just my beginning. I want to show you that I'm not simply someone with a theory of mental illness and recovery. I am someone with a feeling of both. I have been desperately unwell and suicidal twice. I was knocking on death's door, Waiting to be taken. But with my near ending came a new beginning, And I want to share with you those pockets of hope. I want to help you feel your own moments of lightness, Even when all you see is darkness. I want you to see that you are not alone. And I know it may feel like that at times, But there are more of us out there than you realize. We're just in the shadows. Most of us keep quiet so that people don't know the depth of the suffering we feel. Often we don't want to make those with or without mental illness feel uncomfortable, Nor do we want to feel the discomfort ourselves. Telling someone can bring a great deal of shame and embarrassment, No matter how much we hate to admit that. We don't want to feel the feelings of being misunderstood or being brushed off as unimportant or something to simply get over. We don't want to be made to feel less worthy than we already feel. You might be saying that this doesn't happen these days, But it does. Working for over a decade in mental illness, I know it happens all the time. There we hide in the shadows of life. For as long as we can. Until we feel we can tiptoe into the light. And be seen. Bound to me. All I wanted was to be saved. But I was alone and I stare at my grave. What do you do when no one can see? How can I continue my life as me? I wanted to scream, Help me please, Help me now. Someone help me because I don't know how. Scared of my mind and what I found. Deeper in depression to it I was bound. I wanted someone to help me, Someone to be kind. But no one could see me, No one could find. In the end, My silent screams amounted to zero. Near death has taught me I had to be my very own hero. And that's who I'll be. Until the day I die. And no longer look. To my grave. I'll look. To the sky. See yourself. See that you are worthy of everything. You are worthy of recovery, You are worthy of your life and when you reach your joy, You are worthy of loving and being in each moment of it. Quote, Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. Walt Whitman. Becoming Bound My story. One gloomy afternoon in 2003, When I was 19 years old, I woke up and was devastated that I was still alive. I thought I had died. Why could I not just die? There was nothing I wanted less than to be on this earth any longer. I'd had several things happen to me that caused the illness I endured. One being that I carried a childhood trauma from school of never being good enough. I was shamed in front of classmates for years and it took its toll. Has stopped me from being brave in life and anxious of being seen. You see, I couldn't read or write properly, And when I was ten I was struggling to read books that were for six-year-olds. My writing was illegible, And my maths knowledge was non-existent. I could feel people's frustrations with me. It penetrated through my young soul so much so I can still feel it now. When I'd read out loud, I would be laughed at by the other children, And the teachers would say I wasn't trying hard enough. When I wrote it wasn't good enough and I had to do better. I was misdiagnosed and told I wasn't dyslexic. I was just lazy and stupid. It hurt that little girl's feelings. She carried it with her for the rest of her life. I then struggled all the way through secondary school, Still undiagnosed with dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was labelled as naughty and uninterested in everything. Later, My parents' separation brought the constant fear of losing our home, And my then boyfriend simply decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was devastated. In 2002, When I was 18 and studying graphic design, I started having panic attacks. They were making me feel so incredibly unwell, And I started falling behind in my college work. In fact, I couldn't even get through the college door without a panic attack attending to. On my 19th birthday, I sat at home, Alone, And it was the first time I realized how lonely and isolated I'd become. Not only had my panic attacks and anxiety spiralled out of control, But the constant battle with them was making me feel very depressed and suicidal. The intensity of this comorbid mental illness was unbearable. I couldn't cope with having to endure it every day. I was both mentally and physically done with life. People underestimate how mental illness affects you not only mentally but physically. It has such intense physiological effects too. I was so young when this started and I didn't know what to do. I'd been to the doctors and counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy did work for a bit. But the illness won again and again. It was really scary. I'd never been scared of myself before, But I was. I was scared of myself and my brain. I felt so out of control, It scared me to death. Quite literally. It sent me begging to be taken each day. I felt completely helpless and hopeless. My brain was so angry and sad and my body was responding with these chronic physical panic attacks. I was no longer in control. It made me feel as though the only way to escape it all would be death. I'd go to bed and pray that I didn't wake up. I'd think, Please, Please let me die in my sleep. But every morning I woke up to face again the excruciating experience that haunted my every sinew. Going out became almost impossible. I tried to push it down. I just wanted to be a normal 19 year old girl. But it didn't happen. Every step I took, The illness was holding my hand, Ready to ruin the day. I tried to shake it off, But it was stuck to me. Why me? Why was this happening to me? What had I done so bad that I was being punished in this way? I just didn't know. I didn't have the answers, Nor did anyone else. However, The doctor did kindly tell me that I was going to be like this forever, So I should just get used to it. So, On that positive note, My world came crashing down and I became even more desperate. I didn't want this to be my life, But apparently it was going to be. From that point, I slipped so fast down the slide into depression, Realizing my whole life was going to be this kind of hell. After months and months of such intense mental unwellness, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I was scared and alone, And no one was coming to rescue me. I couldn't even rescue myself. One day, I ventured out to my then-boyfriend's house. I could feel an almighty panic attack bubbling like a kettle at boiling point, And it just wouldn't switch off. As I sat there waiting for lunch, Which was all plated up and about to arrive on my lap. I ran. I just got up. And I ran out. I got in my car and I went home. They're almost there. The sky was dark. I was dark. And this was my ending. I couldn't continue any longer. I cried and screamed for help, But there was no one there. No one could hear me. No one ever heard my silence. I have no idea how long I was laying there. But when I woke. . . There was no pain in my head, No panic, No depression or anxiety. I was dead. And finally. . . I was free. I lay there amongst the peace and serenity, And it felt nice and calm. My death at this point felt better than my life. I noticed that from within my swollen eyelids, That through the tiniest window, There was a beam of sunlight shining down on me through parted clouds. Was this my light at the end of the tunnel? It was making me sweat with its heat. Do you sweat when you dance? I sat on. And as the blood rushed through my body, My ears began to ring. And I had the awful realization that I was alive. But this time life felt different. It was dull, Heavy and dark. Like I was below life. Even the anxiety was struggling to make an appearance. So what do I do now? I knew that I had to make a change. I had to do something different, Because doing the same thing over and over wasn't working. And I was tired. I knew someone who had tried hypnotherapy for anxiety a few years prior but hadn't continued the course. I went with them to their session, And the lovely lady always stuck in my mind. I had never tried hypnotherapy before. I'd never even meditated. I figured the other therapies like counselling and CBT hadn't worked, So it was worth a go. I couldn't afford the sessions, So I borrowed the money from my parents, Who sort of knew how I felt, But not to the true extent, As I'd not told them. So the next day, I reached out to the hypnotherapist. From the moment she said she could help me, She saved my life. I was given hope and in that moment something to live for. For the next few days, Waiting for my appointment, Life was heavy. That's the only way I can describe how I felt. Heavy like everything in me had died, And I was a deadweight. Perhaps my solid died. Even she was fed up with me. There is always hope. I plodded into hypnotherapeutic treatment as the shell I had become. My therapist was as lovely as I remembered. She was called Carol One. She had curly red hair and an air of positivity that my case was easy. She'd done it for people time and time before. When all of the treatments had failed. I snuggled down into her comfy chair. And when she started talking to me. She made me feel like anything was possible. She told me that I wasn't going to be this way forever, And she gave me hope when I'd lost it all. When we did hypnosis for the first time, It was like nothing I'd ever experienced or imagined. It wasn't what I'd seen on TV. It was a slow, Visual healing for my busy head. It was beautiful. And peaceful. I entered my mind and found the images and thoughts I needed to begin remembering who I was. Though I soon realized that I'd never find the old version of me. She was gone. But I could most definitely find out who I had become. I didn't feel an instant change like I was expecting. Like someone clicking their fingers kind of recovery. But I could feel that some things were shifting. My mind was changing in this healing way. It was beautiful. Like a fragmented light. I began to come back together. One day, When I went for a session, Everything changed. As I stepped out of the front door of therapy and sat in my car, I realised that I'd been dug out of a hole. Each session was like digging me out. And in the appointment I'd just attended. I finally came to the surface. I could breathe. I felt strange, But good. And as I sat in my car, I cried. I cried tears like I'd never cried before. I had the most overwhelming feeling of lightness. Like the force that had been crushing me had just lifted. My body was smooth and not jittery. I was free, And I was alive. It was like I could see again, Breathe again and feel again. I had other sensations, I could smile and I felt balanced and peaceful. I heard the words of a song instead of the negative voice in my head. It was India Ari's strength, Courage and wisdom. And in that moment, I felt like she'd written the song just for me, And just for then. I noticed it was sunny and warm. I could feel the temperature of the weather. I saw colours like I'd never seen them before. I had been saved. I had done something so different, Something my doctor nor anyone else at the time believed in, But they couldn't help me. So I had to help myself and give my own life a chance at something new. I had to trust my own instincts for the first time, Listen to what I needed, And take that huge leap of faith in myself instead of listening to everyone else. Saved and changed my life forever. Strength, Courage, And wisdom. Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun. Behind my eyes that lives in me that I've been hiding for much too long. Because I've been afraid, Too afraid to let it show. Because I'm scared of the judgment that may follow. Always putting off my living for tomorrow. It's time to step out on faith. I've got to show my faith. It's been elusive for so long, But freedom is mine today. India R. E. Simpson After seven weekly sessions, I had gone in to recovery and it felt incredible. After almost three years of suffering, Recovery was the most beautiful place to be. It gave me an appreciation for life like no other. Life can be so hard, So bad, It can take you to the very end of your journey here on Earth. But you can also find within yourself glimmer of hope. And come back to life. If you feel at the end of your journey. Please don't give up. Please go and get help. Reach out and try something new. This doesn't have to be your ending. This could just be your beginning. It was time for me to go and live. So I did. I went and lived my life for five years, Feeling good and recovering, And working my way up through the ranks of a hotel, Making friends and losing them, Making mistakes and getting over them, Until I was made redundant five years later, And I just knew it was time to go and train to be a hypnotherapist. I wanted to specialize in people who were just like me, And so I did, And I still do to this very day. My mental illness journey definitely didn't end there. I've had many ups and downs and turns in the road, But I'm here to tell the tale. I have to tell you that no matter what you're going through now, There is always hope. Even when you think there isn't, You just have to look in another direction and go there. I was scared of my mental illness. I was scared of me. I was scared of my emotions and the sheer amount of tears I'd shed. But in time, I learned that you don't have to be afraid of the dark sky. All you need is a break in the clouds, A flicker of light, And a recognition that you can get better time and time again. You can always try again. Quote Don't give up hope just yet. It's the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, You have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, When all is dire and bleak. There is always. Etiquette Law. This world is sometimes hard to live in. Sometimes we experience utter heartbreak in many different forms and it feels impossible to come back. But you can. You are enough and you can create a new outlook just the way you need it. A note for if you're feeling suicidal. Feeling at the end of your life is the scariest place to be. Is a place with an imminent ending. Is the end of your whole world. Is a place where there is nothing beyond that moment here on this earth for you. Or perhaps there is a heaven. Perhaps it's a new life or perhaps it's something else. Don't go. Please don't go. It's not your time. I'm sorry for all you've felt that has made you feel unworthy. And like this is the end of your world. I'm sorry for the times you felt alone. I'm sorry that in your times of need, There was no one or nowhere you felt you could turn. I'm sorry that there were times of sitting in such darkness, That the whole universe feels heavy and crushing, Like you can no longer hold up the world to breathe. You were not placed on this earth because you mean nothing. You were brought here because you are something. You are someone so incredible whether you believe that or not. Whatever it is that has brought you to this place of despair, It is not worth you. Nothing is worth you and your life. Nothing. I promise. All problems can be solved. I know at times it doesn't feel like that, But they can be. If it's financial, No amount of money is worth you. It's just money. It comes and it goes. But you don't. And once you're gone, You cannot be replaced. You are worth more than every coin in this world. If it's a relationship, Time can heal. They too come and they too go. If you have lost someone you love through death or the end of a relationship, Grief can feel substantially heavy. Go through the process of grief. Swim through the ocean of loss until you reach the shallower parts and learn to live again. Tears will still flow, Hearts will still feel broken, But in time you'll begin to feel the glimmer of lightness. And when you do, Know that you're allowed to feel it. Gift yourself time to heal and immerse yourself within what you need. Sometimes that immersion is within oceans of tears. Cry them. Let them flood your soul for one day they will dry and the sun will once again shine. And although some days and thoughts may be bleak, Just know that tomorrow is new and somewhere there will be a lightness amongst the darkness. Nature will show you that life will not always be heavy and that you cannot always keep looking at the ground. Instead? It will teach you. To tilt your head up. And see the stars amongst the night sky. Bit. When you feel you can't and you have nowhere to turn. Let my words hold you. Let us do it together. And as we do that together each day, Let me remind you of your worth. That may be your voice when you cannot speak up. Let my words offer comfort when there is nowhere to turn. Let me remind you, Over and over again, That you are enough. And that you must. Fight for yourself. But when you cannot do it alone. We'll do it together. Let my words be of understanding. And although I will never know exactly how you feel. Let me be there with you. As a voice to tell you that you are not so alone. We are out there. We have spent a lifetime keeping our truths as secrets. We have felt ashamed of our thoughts and how we feel. For no one can see our desperation. No one can feel it. Only we can. So see you are not so alone. For we just hide in the shadows. We break. And then we heal. And when we do heal and when everyone else runs away from you. When you feel broken, We will run in. So that those who are broken have us to tell you that you can heal too. You are not so alone. You'll find us in the shadows, Waiting for you. To tell you that there is always a way. You've just not found it yet. You've not been looking in the right place. You need to look inside. Letters to a Young Poet So don't be frightened, Dear friend. If sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known. Casting its shadow over all you do. Must think that something is happening within you. And remember that life has not forgotten you. It holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, Any pain, Any depression, Since you do not know what work they are accomplishing within you? Rainer Maria Rilke A shadow is an area where light is blocked out and darkness falls to the opposite side. There, A shadow is cast. Darkness is the absence of light. It's when the sun sets and night appears. When summer ends and autumn begins. But even within the darkness of the night, There is still a light. Stars appear within the deep sky and the moon casts her own light upon the darkness of each night for you. Nature wants to show you that there is always a way. Perhaps now you're standing in darkness. Perhaps you are where I was and you don't know where to turn or what to do. But when you are there. . . Take my hands and let me help you. Let me take you out of the shadows. Let me remind you that within you is a lightness. Your mind, Like mine, Has got stuck on self-destructive thoughts and yes, You are right in thinking that some things are bad and no, You cannot change them all. But you can make two choices. You can continue the way you are and you will of course feel the way you do. Or you can change the way you think about things. But before you say, Easier said than done, I know that. I'm very aware that it's easy for me to say when I am not currently where you are. But I have been. And you can choose your path when you are ready. Because sometimes we aren't. And that's okay too. But just so you know. Either way. I'll be there. I will stand with you in the shadows, Or I will walk with you into lightness. But you will never be alone, Whatever you choose. And although I am not there in body, Feel me in your heart, Your hand in mine, Wherever you are. Let me be with you. And hear me when I say. You're going to be okay. Your time for the sun rising at dawn will come. And it might not be a great big jump. It might be a tiptoe. But whenever that time is, And however it arrives, We'll do it together. I'll be reminding you over and over that you can do it. You can do this. There is more to you than you have ever seen. And healing might not be full of ecstatic emotions, But a balance and a calm that you are no longer where you were. It's not about being unrealistic and thinking your life should be what you see on screens. Life is about you. It's about trusting yourself. It's about providing yourself with what you need and also want. Life is about being healthy for you your way. Other people's way might not work for you. You are an individual. You must listen to yourself and ask, What do you need? So go on, Ask yourself, What do you need? The world around you is only beautiful when you are at peace with the world within you. Unknown. There is a world within you. A whole universe and it's yours. It's your world and it's all for you. So stay. Your time is not up. It's not now. It's just time for something different. You must change something if things are not going the way you need and want them to. Reach out, Get help, And know that tomorrow or even the next hour is different to this one. It's a moment where things can change. A moment when things are new and when you can start again. Each moment, Each day, You can start again. Even when you feel like you can't, I know you can. I believe in you. And I know it can take time, Even when we don't always want it to. Illnesses don't heal overnight. Recovery requires rest and care. Offer it to yourself. What are we doing? The choice is yours. Are we standing together in the shadows until you're ready? Or are we stepping out into the light? Either way, I'm with you.