Hi,
I'm Cassie host of the curiosity junkie podcast and The love and healing podcast if you enjoyed today's episode Please hit the subscribe button to follow us and receive new episodes each week if you really enjoy the podcast And you're feeling generous,
Please hit the donate button We work hard to create original content and keep the podcast ad free Today's guest is a sought-after speaker and leader She is a psychotherapist who meets her clients at the intersection of spirituality psychology and science Please welcome Tracy Brady.
Hi Tracy Brady.
Welcome back to the podcast Cassie it's great to be here.
Yeah.
Well,
You know,
I love having you on and We started a little mini series on relationships One of the first topics we dove into was communication Trust is the next thing we want to talk about and I'm talking about trust wrapped up in communication and then also within the relationship and how How we can do that?
Yeah,
That's a biggie You know,
One of the biggest deals is that trust takes time and we don't always have a lot of patience for that Yeah,
So that's a number one I would say is to is for me I would say is to is for people to realize that that does take time.
It takes time to build with someone As you know,
If you're the trust trustee Right and it takes time to be the truster as well So taking you know giving yourself some time Making sure that you allow some patience and grace for yourself and the other person Is is key but one of the other things that I like to think about when you're talking about being in a relationship with someone I'm I'm we're gonna talk here probably about romantic partner type relationships and a lot of this stuff can apply to relationships with anyone friends neighbors family co-workers and of course that number one thing I always try to Emphasize is that we must know ourselves first And the reason for that and this is a great example on the trust subject the reason that we must know ourselves as best we can is because if we don't We are liable to project our trust issues onto our partner for example if I know that I Have had my purse stolen before And I never really forgave that I never really came to terms with that.
I I am still a victim in my mind.
For example,
I didn't get down and dirty to knowing that I Had an attachment maybe that I shouldn't have had and I know this is a little bit deep right off the bat But it's some of these things that we have to delve into about ourselves our belief systems our values That affect our responses to things surrounding trust that can impact our Relationships,
So if I haven't done any work on that and I still have that I may still feel very vulnerable very raw in a in a trusting way surrounding money or surrounding things that are important to me and certainly you know we all have the Capacity to Hold lightly things,
But we don't always do that especially when it's important to us So knowing what is important to you and why is going to get you?
Really far in relationships because you won't be projecting that issue on to your partner And if you do you'll recognize it you'll say oh I'm not trusting them because I have this issue You know they took ten dollars without asking or something and we may blow that completely out of proportion or We may just need to set a boundary that we haven't been willing to do and we won't know the difference will be caught Sometimes in is it my fault is it their fault am I giving up too much?
Are they giving are they not doing enough?
You know it's that it's that real confused area where?
The only way out is through ourselves and through I believe work in ourselves and knowing what's going on with ourselves But so often what happens is something like that comes up,
And we want to attack We want to say I'm right you're wrong,
And it's clear And that's the way we feel But there are probably other ways around that one of the things I think too is That when we're in relationship with someone that we ask them and develop ways of our own About communication surrounding communication because the way we grew up watching communication between our Parents or other partner relationships that we were privy to can affect what we think is right what we think is wrong It may and there's no right or wrong.
It's just what works at what doesn't right?
So you know that could that can be something that people can work on but I really you know Even if you sit down and have a conversation you say okay.
How are we going to negotiate?
Differences I mean that's a really great Start right that's that sounds like somebody saying something that really is intent on making the relationship and communication Number one making it be a priority.
You know that you come together like that,
But if you come to that party with a whole bunch of garbage You're gonna.
That's all you got and you don't think it's garbage because it's all you know And you might have actually some really good assets about communicating that you're not even aware of Because they're not being called upon or you aren't being triggered to use them,
So I know that's kind of general but It starts with yourself everything always goes back to self because What somebody else does is going to trigger something in us and?
Until you can even Slow down when you feel that that for me.
It's always the defensive I'm I'm really becoming it's so aware of it But it's much easier to just stop and take a second before Responding,
But that only comes with awareness I think no matter what we talk about it's amazing how it always comes back to us It has everything to do with us what we know what we've been taught what our values are what our belief system is and then I Think the other big thing that kind of comes up for me in this is how open are you?
If you're open to listening to someone kind of like you said You don't need to be right and I've heard that that saying before Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?
How important is it to you to be right when you're having a Conversation that could be I don't want to say intense,
But a conflict discussion there's been some kind of disagreement or something Yeah,
So the whole big broad.
You know you're such a great a Reflector and condenser,
I love the way you can put into simple words what I take too many words to say topic of communication and any Interject trust as as a factor.
I mean that's a huge huge topic and if you Bring whatever you bring to that that's what you're going to get out of it and You like you say if if you feel a sense of emotion or strong heated Kind of you know something that gets you riled up You have to be aware of that before you could even know that that's a thing Right and then in order to know how you really really stand and where that really really comes from and why that's a Triggering for you You got to do the self-work But most the time we're we're not doing the self-work,
You know other people I believe for the most part are mirrors for us And they just show us these quote buttons that we walk around with all the time But we don't even realize they're there until somebody pokes at them and then we want to say you are at fault Because when you associate the poker one who's pushing the button as the entire,
You know entire emotion or feeling or whatever's going on and It's not it's we walk around with this stuff all the time We walk around with it so other people could be a Wonderful help to us in if we will allow it and it's so hard because as you know when you get emotionally activated That offensiveness feels right It feels like you have to defend yourself and it because it's so entrenched and so deep Into our memory our body memory our subconscious that You don't have time in those heated moments where somebody has triggered you to go back and say oh,
Yeah This was because you know I act this way now because of what happened when I was young or because I haven't ever resolved it Okay,
Hold on no,
It doesn't happen like that.
So that's why I encourage people to Do the work with themselves.
What is it that bothers you?
Let's talk about what's going on And if you could be honest with your partner They don't need to know all the gross and dirty gory details of you know Why you get bent out of shape when they use the wrong spoon?
Or you they use your spoon or whatever,
Um,
But if you could be honest and say,
You know,
This is something that i'm working on This is something that i'm trying to overcome i'm trying to get better at this I didn't mean to say it that way.
I'm sorry.
I said it that way um,
You know,
These are little things that that can build trust in even when we do spout off something that's Not great The other thing I want to talk about in this particular segment is perfection And we all have our own way that we think is right About everything Or even if we don't know if it's right or not We are doing it one way and there's something that's causing us to do it that way either by default or whatever Out of all the options that we could choose we think it's that one And so if we're doing that If we're choosing what we think is right all the time in how we say what we do other people probably are too And so if I am doing whatever I think is right Even if it's awful I gotta I gotta get have a little credit,
You know,
And and the idea that somebody could be perfect is ridiculous Because because it's always in our minds the right thing Even if even if we fall short,
It's still the very best we have in that moment so,
You know anything greater than that is is It doesn't exist in my mind Because everything is perfect in each moment because we are nobody really does things intentionally To hurt themselves or others um unless you know,
Of course your psychopath or something,
But even then You're you're trying to get achieve something or you're trying to feel good about something So I know that's crazy talk but I don't believe people intentionally for the most part try to hurt each other or themselves or say things that are going to undermine their relationship,
So We really have to give us ourselves and the other person a lot of grace and remove this idea that it's supposed to be perfect or we can if we only Get to xyz or if if we don't have you know,
Three arguments a day we only have two that's getting closer to perfect because What in the heck is that anyway?
Anyway,
Right.
What is that?
You know,
Are aren't we?
You know in these relationships because we feel a sense of joy and and fulfillment being with this person and then When they start to point out your buttons or you know trigger you then we're like,
Oh,
They don't love me Well,
Maybe maybe that's true.
And if somebody's you know hurting you or physically abusing you maybe that's true um,
But most of the time what I find is that they are just being mirrors for something we need to work on now the other thing that I I want to try to express Is that oftentimes with people that we care about?
We will try to fix or fix them or prevent them from feeling the pain that they need to feel When they've messed up We want to say oh,
It's okay.
It's okay that you called me that or it's okay that you didn't do what you said Or it's okay because we all look good.
We want them to know that we still love them We want them to know that we're not petty We don't want to see ourselves that way But we have to be careful about that because it's a real gift to let other people Have an opportunity to change their ways Yeah,
So how do you because that's a delicate uh,
Situation in that Let's say somebody disappoints you because we're talking about communication and and like you said trust takes a while to build and I think little things happen and It it can chisel away at the trust or you can build it.
You have to pay attention to your expectations And your my expectations about someone are not Something that I can hold them to I mean that's just not feasible If someone wants to say for let's just take doing the dishes for example,
So i'm gonna they say i'm gonna do the dishes Okay,
Do the dishes that's great because I don't like them anyway,
Okay right and then You know three out of seven nights the dishes aren't done or they're not done till the morning or they're chiseled on food or something That bothers me.
Okay say that bothers me and i'm like well,
I can't trust you to do what you say you're going to do Number one,
How big a deal is it?
Number two you have I have given them That responsibility that they said they would take over If I am not happy with the way they do it The timely fashion in which they do it that's on me And maybe I need to deal with that and maybe I need to renegotiate You know,
I love that you're doing dishes But for whatever reason they've got to be done before we go to bed or I just can't stand my life or whatever,
Right?
What do you think about it?
If somebody trusts you to do something or to be consistent,
Are you going to fail?
Do you want the opportunity to have some leeway in making mistakes?
Of course you do.
Yes,
So we're going to have to give that to them too now If it comes down to you know safety safety of a child so,
You know,
You have to make these decisions about what really matters but If somebody says you're going to do the dishes every night and they don't always get to it But I see that they're trying they do it in the morning Sometimes it's then I have to deal with my disappointment Does that make sense that it's my disappointment not their actions?
That They have to change in order for me not to be disappointed If I'm disappointed it's my responsibility to either negotiate something different or deal with why I get so freaking disappointed about that Right.
I like that when you were having the the conversation between you and the person doing the dishes it was that It was about you and the conversation goes that way.
It's not hey,
You're not doing the dishes in a timely manner it's Hey,
Uh for whatever reason this drives me crazy.
I'm not even sure why there's something Some reason I think the dishes need to be done before we go to bed tonight.
So Can we talk about that?
Instead of like this is all about you and i'm sure there's a better way to say that but i'm just saying it's letting them know That you're not saying you didn't do it the way I want it done because that's what it's really about You're saying hey,
I'm going to own that so you're taking responsibility Who's responsible for my feelings?
Right And is somebody supposed to dance one way so that I can have my Expectations met and then in six months when my expectations become different they need to dance a different way This brings us to the point of if you think you're going to change somebody you Really need to get a handle.
I mean,
I I can't tell you how many times that's come across my experience because we Do believe that these little things that people do that annoy us will change They won't likely and if they do great fantastic but if you're it's a big setup for for a big disappointment because If you love somebody if you care about somebody if you care about yourself,
You're going to realize that you're a mixed bag You're not all good.
You're not all bad and you make mistakes And how you treat yourself when you make those mistakes?
I mean how many times have we all said that i'm going to do xyz and i'll do it Or i'm going to go on this,
You know diet or i'm going to get this job or i'm going to mow the grass Whatever it is and we don't do it I'm gonna clean the toilet.
I don't do it.
So I mean,
But we want to hold other people accountable For every single freaking word and every single freaking thing and a shortcut to know how you're going to treat someone If there's anybody thinking about getting in a relationship Is look at how you treat yourself How do you respond when you recognize you've made a mistake or that you've fallen short?
That's how you're probably going to treat your partner or some the other person in whatever relationship it is We and we often project,
You know,
We just project our own Insecurities onto them we think that they are doing something to us And it's really our own Stuff going on and we are the only ones that can really do anything about that They're changing their dance or what they do is not going to heal us and if you if you're waiting for somebody To do something different so you can be okay That's that's that's not going to work for very long.
You're going to be waiting a long time Holy cow,
And you know we do do that we try real hard We try really hard to please people that we care about,
You know because we want them in our lives that we want to feel good about ourselves,
But You have to be true to yourself You have to be true to yourself and if someone really,
You know Is capable of of loving you or you're or you're capable of loving someone you're going to give them that grace now again I will say a disclaimer if someone is being abused or if they're being hurt or they're being in You know safety is a factor in any way That's a different story Absolutely They need to get help get out of the relationship get away from whatever is threatening their safety Yes,
Yes,
And I'm glad you I'm glad you said that something that popped into my mind when you were saying if you're Thinking you're going to change someone Ladies and gentlemen,
The only way you can change them is if they're wearing a diaper.
It's not loving No It's not It's not because we are the very we bring the very best we have especially To a relationship that we value we are always bringing the best and sometimes it doesn't look very good Sometimes it's not worth a nickel But we do bring the very best and so for someone to say they want me to change my very best It's ridiculous But you know,
You have to ask yourself what you can live with and what you can't You know,
I can live with this person always being late I can deal with it because I care about them and I will adjust my life accordingly and deal with why it bothers me right an example was you know,
If you have a friend and you know that they They just like taking things You know,
They they like putting things in their pocket that aren't theirs.
Okay,
You know that about them But they're a wonderful person You get along great You value the relationship tremendously,
But there's this factor Well,
Would you leave them alone?
In your Jewelry would you leave them alone with your wallet?
They're probably not But that's how you can protect yourself and still have that relationship because it's kind of like if somebody needs to take care of something You know that we think they need to take care of a character defect or something like that.
That's not Our that's not our business And and I sure don't want somebody telling me,
You know,
I need to change something I already know what my defects are.
I know And if somebody wants to tell me Well,
That's not going to help me change them any faster That's not going to motivate me we're already probably the hardest on ourselves already You know,
We're already trying really really hard to be better than we can possibly be so taking that time To work through some of the things In an honest way with yourself and and discover what it is about you what you like what you value That's the trust that has to be there for you You value that's the trust that has to start first is we have to trust that we Are informed and coming from a place of oh,
I know what triggers me.
I know why I know how to handle it I'm,
Not going to project it if it happens.
I know how to protect myself All that stuff that's the trust that has to come first so that we can bring trust of self into a relationship And and join with that trust hopefully with the other person Well Thank you I think this is a good spot to wrap up and I will put the ways that you can connect with Tracy she is on Instagram under Tracy Brady counseling tracybrady.
Com.
Thank you again for coming on We are going to continue to do a few more talks in and around relationships because there really is so much in a relationship There's a lot going on because you've got two people and you're coming with different things So we're gonna really dive into that over the next few episodes Thank you again Tracy for coming on.
Thank you,
Cassie Absolutely,
And thank everybody for tuning in listening and I will see you all soon if you enjoyed today's episode Please hit the subscribe button to follow us and receive new episodes each week if you really enjoy the podcast and you're feeling generous Please hit the donate button.
We work hard to create original content and keep the podcast ad-free Bye
