Day 94 Of 365 In 2023 - Just Notice Meditation + Pain Talk

Hello, my Friends. This is a Live Recording from day 94 of 365 days in 2023. So if this resonates with you, come join us at Carlos Circle and the Daily Lives. Today's meditation was Just Notice - your breathing, sounds, emotions, and thoughts. Understanding the importance of basic training can lead to major transformation. After the meditation, you will hear a talk about experiences from the psychotherapy room and in particular how we can go from self-inflicting emotional pain to liberation.

Transcript

Hello my friends and welcome to this day 94 out of 365 days in 2023. And we're just about to start the live in 10 seconds. Super tired today but happy. So let's go for it. Another day of meditation, Another day of feeling the pressure from life and from each other, From ourselves and growing with it. So here we go. Good morning, Good evening. Hello everybody. I'm feeling pretty tired but happy. You know when you start getting these sleeping rhythms, The patterns, You know going to bed early and then getting up early and suddenly I was in Copenhagen yesterday and I got to bed like at 11 and I'm sleeping outside in the tent and there's the birds and there's the pheasants that wake me like at five o'clock in the morning. So I'm feeling tired like I want to go back to sleep but I'm also feeling very happy and there's a lot of reasons for that but I do think that the best investment that we can do in our own happiness is to invest in it every day and that's what we're doing here and now and that's what we've been doing for the past 94 days. It is 94 right? Yeah it is 94 days. So wonderful, Happy that you are here and if you are new to me, Welcome. We are shortly going to go into approximately 12 minutes of meditation. So for now just get ready to move your attention inwards and if you don't already have a smile, Just a small one on your lips just for the gratitude of being alive. Just see if you can make a small smile and just connect them with your breathing, Meaning that you just move your consciousness towards your breathing. Just noticing your in-breath, Noticing your out-breath and you might notice other things as well like your heart beating or the sounds from the birds. You might also notice different emotions. It might be restless legs or physical heat in your body, The temperature. You might notice that you are tense in specific areas of your body or you might notice that you are very relaxed but we're just noticing. So much of the pain that we create as humans is from wanting to be something that we are not and therefore not feeling good enough and practicing just being with whatever is and not changing anything, Not having any self-images on how our breathing should be, How our thoughts should be, How our sensations or emotions should be but just being with what is. Being with what is is such a beautiful practice. It enables us to start just loving what is. Just practice noticing the thoughts, The emotions, Sensations. We do not understand how powerful our mind is, How powerful our convictions are and since we don't understand that, We don't understand either how difficult it can be to change what is unconscious. The first step is to become conscious about what's going on to create any kind of change. You've probably throughout your life experienced people giving you feedback or telling you stuff that maybe hurt you because you didn't see it yourself. You were not aware at all and suddenly you became aware and there was pain attached to it because there was a self-image that was hurt. They are just self-images. They are not real but we make them real and we create real pain. It's so stupid but that's what we do right? And why do we do it? Well, We need to feel safe. We need to feel as if we belong and that we have a validation for belonging. So we make up all kinds of different stories about ourselves. Problem being that sometimes these stories are not really that positive. Just noticing, Just practice noticing those stories of yours. Not looking for good or bad, Not looking to blame yourself even more for creating stories that are maybe not true. But it's to wake up, To wake up. It's to wake up. Noticing the breathing, Noticing whether you're breathing deep or breathing shallow. Noticing the rhythm of your breathing, Noticing the sounds from within your body and from outside your body. The heartbeat, Maybe even the blood flow. Noticing the energy in different parts of your body. What's the energy like in your eyelids for example? Or to be more specific, What's the energy like in your right eyelid? Hmm, Just noticing. So let's take in a couple of deep breaths together. Breathing in deep and exhaling long. Giving out all the old air from the bottom of the lungs. Keep on and breathing in deep again to the top of your lungs and exhaling once again. Keep on blowing as if you're blowing up a balloon. You really want to make it big. And again just notice. So I deal with quite a lot of young people. Unfortunately a lot of girls nowadays in their teens. And they say that this is so boring. Who wants to focus on what's going on inside? And that's just until they understand what the purpose is. If we do not have a meaning or a purpose or a goal with whatever we do in life, It's so difficult to do it. You know, We need a higher purpose. So the higher purpose of noticing is that we can become so much more conscious about what we're creating real time for ourselves. This now creates the next now. If this now is 98% unconsciously created, How are we going to make the next now more conscious? By just noticing. Noticing the small things. Noticing a leaf on the tree. Noticing one particular sound. Spending half an hour listening to your heart. Half an hour? Yeah, Half an hour. It's only mental time. When you've been listening to your heart for in mental time 10 minutes, You're not gonna realize that time exists at all. Not unless you're telling yourself that you need to go. We live in a society where in the west we are physically moving about 12% faster physically than we did in the 60s. What's that a symptom of? And just noticing when you walk, When you talk, When you feel, When you act, When you decide. Is this too fast a speed for me? Or could I notice this deep calm breath, This small smile, This straight strong proud back, This open soft vulnerable front, Which is a beautiful reminder that I want to be a creator of circumstances and not a victim of it. So just notice. Notice pain. We tend to run away from pain so fast. And my mind reminds me of a story that I haven't really learned that well yet. But the story being that the cows run from the storm, The buffaloes stay in the storm. When we stay in the storm, When we stay in the pain, We get to know it. We get to listen to the message of the pain. We get to develop a relationship to the pain. Suddenly the pain is not something that we move away from. It's something that we can move away from. But which we cherish because it's a messenger. Pain never has no message. Pain always has a message. No matter whether it's physical or emotional, Spiritual or existential pain. So just notice before you go to bed. Just notice when you wake up. Just notice when you're at a meeting. Just notice when you're arguing. Just notice. So let's just sit for a minute or so in silence before we finish off this time well spent together. So let's start moving the body, Stretching, Wiggling and opening. Thank you guys for another good session. I've had so many really beautiful sessions lately. Psychotherapy sessions that is. And I want to share one from yesterday. Yeah, Thank you to Emily. Thank you, Monica. Thank you everybody for participating. So I have some time this morning. So the meditation part is over. And if you want to stick around, This is going to be a sharing from my practice as a psychotherapist. I find it so inspiring myself when I hear about other therapists and their experiences. And also because, You know, If I was to sum up these 14 years of practicing as a psychotherapist, And I needed to say, What's the primary thing that I noticed that we do as humans? It would be that we self-inflict pain. We self-inflict pain more than we need to. So it's often to start understanding how we can, You know, Reduce this self-inflicted pain. And sometimes, Often we want to go back to the rabbit hole and find out why and how and who did and what's, Who said and, You know, All of these things from our past, Which can be very useful. But sometimes not. Sometimes, Depending on where in the process of the therapy journey you are, Sometimes it's better to just stay here now, Just put the past on hold and focus on what to do here now and moving on forward. So this session that I want to share is from yesterday. And actually this client of mine is a client throughout many years and he's actually the person that has made me, I'm going to do a one day or maybe a two day course, I don't know whether to call it a course or a urban retreat or whatever, It doesn't matter that much, But he's the one that inspired me to do the end of Mr. And Mrs. Nice. So he's struggling a lot with boundary setting. You know, He's struggling with, You know, How can I say no? How can I, You know, Make myself feel valuable with other people? How can I stop, You know, Feeling worried all the time about what other people think? And it's a very common theme. I think that a lot of you guys out there would say, Yeah, I know that too. And I know for me personally, I struggle with this. And sometimes, No, I don't struggle with it anymore. But I do feel it sometimes. And I notice, I'm curious, Right? How am I inflicting this pain? So for him, He has a desire, He wants to be able to change this, Right? So what really was a turning point for him yesterday, And it's, I love that particular moment in psychotherapy, Is where the eyes light up. It's such a beautiful moment, Because it's like, And sometimes it's not even something that I necessarily said, But something that, And you probably had this experience yourself, It's like a light bulb inside of you that suddenly, Wow, You see everything so clear. So for him, What became so clear is that he thought, He had never thought about that everybody is not like him. So when you live from an emotional standpoint in life, Which most of us do that are in here on Inside Timer, We live from emotions, Right? And then whatever, Whenever we experience other people, We interpret that from an emotional standpoint. So the person that he really wanted to improve his relationship to was a family member. And I just asked if he could tell something about this family member, Because then I could start, You know, Helping him to understand that kind of personality type. And I use a theory that's very simple, And that you might have heard of, It's called DISC. There's a dominant, There's a social influence, There's a stability seeking, And a competence seeking personality type. And they all have different traits and styles and beliefs. So what was so, You know, Enlightening for me was what was, You know, Enlightening for him, And what he actually looked forward to coming back and, You know, Practicing with his, You know, Family relative. Because what he became aware of was that he was the one, There's a model called the transactional analysis, Where either you are equal, Or you are adult, Or you are a child, Right? So the transactions might go from adult to child, Equal, Or to children. Often when we argue with our spouses or somebody else, We will go into a very low emotional age, Around six years, Sometimes four years, Sometimes 12 years emotional age. That's actually a very good question to ask yourself, How old am I right now? If somebody else asks you that question, You will, Don't call me, Don't call me a teenager, Right? So he noticed that he was actually making himself to a child, Compared to this family member of his. It was not the person making him a child, He was making himself a child, Only on the tonation in the voice of that person. So tonation is very important because it goes straight through to our brain, And tonation activates our mirror neurons, That is a part of our brain that makes us understand what's going on. So when I do like this, You have some prematuric neurons in your brain doing the same. If I do like this, You know what I mean, Right? So these mirror neurons are helping us to understand what's going on in communication with other people. So you can get the sense of what's going on, And you can understand what to create inside of you. So especially with tonation, And with body language, When we've had childhood, Childhoods where we have been in an intense form of energy, And that could be the tonation, It could be physical, It could be emotional, Then we would have created a very high sensitivity towards whatever might be associated to something where I contract. And this is something which is very common for all of us, And something that we can really, Really benefit from practicing. I shared a couple of a week ago that I spent six Mondays, Six hours in a room where I'm invited in a blind calendar, I didn't know whether people would come or not. I invited them to come in and sit in front of me, No words, And I didn't know for how long they were going to stay there. And I did that to practice my nervous system and calming myself and just being noticing and just experiencing my body becoming more and more calm. So when we are not aware of that we are the ones making us small, We are the one creating that pain of not being good enough, Or the pain of not feeling that I belong. You know, It's not somebody else creating that inside of you, You are creating all emotions inside of you. This is such an important point. Nobody can create emotions inside of you. They can, You know, They can create an effect and you can feel whatever you create instantaneously. But what you do with that becomes more of a question of how well have you practiced dealing with that impact, And what are you going to do with that impact? Are you going to tell the same story once again? You know, Are you going to contract going into anger? Are you going to contract going down to going down to a victim? Or are you going to contract and go into a pleaser? No, That's okay. Yeah, You can just talk to me whatever way you want. You know, It's all below the line in contraction having to do with the past. So for him to realize that he was making himself small, But also to realize that this family member of his is in the disc style, Which is called the competency, Competence seeking personality type. Then he understood that when you are, You know, In that area of personality, Then your whole life depends on your competence, Your ability to be precise, And be very good at what you do, Structured. You want, You have very high expectations for your own skills and high expectations for other people's skills. You are very sensitive to criticism of what you do professionally, Your work, And it's not at all about emotions. It's about what you're doing, The case, What you're working on. So him, My client being from the more emotional, You know, Harmony seeking, Conflict, You know, Avoiding personality type, He was thinking that this was the same for his family, You know, Member, But realizing that when he said something about the work that he was doing, He was becoming seven years old, But he thought that he was the child. So it's two children, Right? Make sense? Two children suddenly dealing with something inside of them that they haven't been taught how to do. So his practice was to stay adult or equal, Right? So what we can do is to notice what are we doing inside of us when somebody says something to us? Are we on the defense all the time? Are we actually not in the now because we're always in the past? We've had shitty childhoods to most of us, Like it's like 98% of all families are dysfunctional in some way or another. It's very difficult to find a happy childhood. And if it is there, Well, Life is still difficult, Right? So what are you doing inside of you right now today, When somebody says something? Are you happy on the surface level? And if somebody says something to you, You'll break straight down to the pain level. Just notice. We're not looking for wrong or right, We're just looking to become conscious. That is what psychotherapy does. It makes the unconscious conscious so you can decide whether to do something about it or not. And that's, You know, For me, With whomever I work with, It's like we need to understand that there's nothing wrong with us. We've just not been taught how to deal with this stuff. And that's why coaching and psychotherapy and spiritual healing, All of this stuff works because we start making it we start making ourselves as if we are wrong. You know, We stop the level of self-inflicted pain, Based on how I should be, Becomes less and less and less. And what happens is that what I feel about myself, Like Donnie yesterday, Having a seven day challenge, Looking himself into the mirror, Only looking in the eyes and looking into his heart, Then the self-inflicted pain that could be when I look into the mirror, I don't like what I see, Is like suddenly we start seeing what we like. So starting this journey, And that's what we're doing here, Like this is day 94, Right, Out of 365 days. And well done, Guys. Well done, Everybody who's been here since day one. Well, Welcome and well done, Everybody who's been here just lately. That's what we're doing. Every day we're looking into, You know, How can we learn different skills? How can we, You know, Understand different models, Different methods that will help us to stop the self-infliction. So most of us, When we hear about cutting, Most of us will say, But how can you do that? How can you, How can you know, Why? Why do people take something sharp and start cutting, You know? And I would turn it around and say, What's your type of cutting? How are you, You know, Self-inflicting pain? And I'm not doing this to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm just doing this to be straight up honest with myself and with you. Let's notice. How are you creating your pain inside of you? And would you rather not? I know that I would. I know that you would. So the question is more, How do we do this, Right? So before we finish, Yeah, Let me also see if there's some comments, Guys. Let me see here. Lots of good mornings and hellos and thank yous and thank you all also. And Marie writing, Thank you so much. Carlos and this community together, We make these meditations incredible. For me, Wonderful. And gratitude goes right back to you, Maureen. And wonderful, Roy. And make that fire be something where you can, You know, Do something today. I'm very focused on doing something every day, You know, And not in a stressful way. Small things, Small practice, Right? So Gita sharing, I have some stuff in relation with my younger brother here for Easter. Should I invite him and his family in spite of my family wants resisting and me going to visit my mom alone. So if you could help me understand that part a bit better. So I have some stuff in relation. Okay, I get that. So there's something in regards to your younger brother, Right? Okay, So there's some resistance on your end of your family and, You know, With his family. Is that understood correctly, Gita? So if it is, Okay. So what to do, Right? Because that's what we call the lice between the nails. Is that what you're feeling like? Or are you actually also not really, You also resisting a bit in regards to your brother? So it's difficult with families, Right? I definitely, The, And what I, What I always say is, Guys, Let's look at this from a 365 day process perspective. No matter what change you want to do, Nothing happens right now. It's pretty hard work throughout 365 days. And why 365? Because you go through a whole season, All four seasons, You go through all, You know, Holidays and, And, You know, Christmas and all of that. So, So, So think, You know, Slow is fast. That's the point. And when we practice, It becomes easier. So what I would encourage you to do, Gita, Is to, And this is a very important way to start, You know, Healing family wounds daily, Is to sit down, Close your eyes, And invite your brother to come in and sit in front of you. This might create many different emotions. And for you guys, The rest of you, You could put any family member in front of you. You decide how far away this family member is sitting, Whether they're facing you or sitting a bit to the one side, Or maybe even sitting with their back towards you. What you can practice is breathing slowly, But breathing slowly into your heart, Using your imagination that you're breathing into your heart. And then when breathing out, You breathe out from your heart towards, In this case, With you Gita, Your younger brother's heart. When you breathe in, You breathe in from your younger brother's heart, Into your heart, And you load the energy of your breathing into your heart with your intentions for your relationship. So if you want to have a better relationship to your brother, Just load the energy into the breathing, Into the heart, And you can say it out loud inside of you, I want to have a better relationship to you, Brother. I'm breathing out into his heart, I'm breathing into your heart again. I want to have a better relationship to you, Brother. So you can change that word, Brother, With mother, Or. . . I wouldn't push anything, Gita, In regards to if it's a here and now situation, I would just go with what feels right, But look at the 365 day. And then, You know, What you can do with this kind of practice. What happens when we do this kind of practice is the same that we've been talking about today. We start changing the way that we create stories about specific people, Right? So we start changing how we feel about other people that are inside of us. All our family members are primarily inside of us, Right? If we measure the time that we spend with our family members physically compared to emotionally inside of us, There's a huge difference, You know? So they are primarily inside of us, And that's why, You know, Sitting down, Doing it with your brother, Doing it with, You know, The rest of that family, Doing it where you, You know, You suddenly have all family members on your end and his end inside of you. And here comes a suggestion, And this will create, You know, This will take some courage on your end, But you can make it a 365 day goal. I would love, Because I know that you're in Denmark, Gideon, I would love to come facilitate a family meditation Easter next year, 2024. So I'm so focused on, You know, Making a decision, Having the community and acting on it. Our life is so short, Right? So what are we waiting for? You know, What are we waiting for? The days that pass will not come back, Right? So start out with that meditation, You and him, Put in more of your family members on his end, On your end, Sit with that daily practice, Practice, Practice, Until you feel completely calm. What will happen when you meet with them real life is that your mind has practiced with your heart, With your body, To have a certain vibration of energy related to them. Make sense? And also let me know if this becomes too, You know, Kind of woo woo, Or what we could call it. It's, It's, It's based on, You know, Neurological science, Right? Let me see here. All right, Wonderful Gideon. So Brock sharing, I recently, Recently retired, Lots of uncertainty coming up for me, This paralyzes me. So I sit and wallow in my stress. So, And lots of fear. What's the one positive side, You know, What's the one positive thing that comes out of you paralyzing? What's the one positive thing that comes out of you wallow in stress? And what's the one thing that comes out of feeling lots of fear? And trust me Brock, That there's, There is one positive thing that comes out of each of these things that you wrote. Find that, Meditate on that. Sit with the paralyzation, Sit with it, Meditate on it. Sit, Sit with the wallowing in your stress. Sit with it, Notice it, Sit with lots of fear, Just sit with it, Not changing it, Just being with it, Breathing in calmly, You know, You can go, Yeah, You escape from life. And that's the thing, Guys, We, There's always a positive intention with whatever we do. When young, Especially it's, It's girls, But also boys, Cut themselves, There is a positive, You know, Escape opportunity. There's something that, That helps them. There's a positive side effect to it. When we have a, And the third beer, We're doing it from something positive, But it's a short term, Right? So, So Brock, Honestly, And thank you for the vulnerability, Brock, Is sharing, I escape from life, Which we know we cannot, Right? We, We, You know, Okay, Fine. So, So what can we start doing? We can start looking into how we can change just a little bit, Right? So, What I would do, If I were you, Brock, I would sit down and I would write down these sentences, Right? And I would flip them. I recently became free. Lots of uncertainty coming up for me. Uncertainty is not necessarily bad. So, I would leave that phrase the same. This liberates me. So, I sit and surf on the wave of happiness, Lots of happiness. And this might create somewhat of contraction when I'm saying this. I'm just giving you what we talked about before, Noticing what we're doing to ourselves to self-inflict, Because the truth of the matter is that no matter what kind of emotion you create inside of yourself, Eventually you will decide whether to do something about it or not to do something about it, Right? You can wallow for 10 years, No problem. You can, You can do that. You know, Eventually your body might start reacting to the stress, But you could also show up tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after here in this community. It's very rare that we can sort these things out ourselves. It's very rare. So, I hope that you can use this like in some way, Form. I hope that the rest of you guys also, That it makes sense, Right? And also remembering that, You know, I'm not here to be a know-all. I share openly, You know, That. I share when I'm sad. I share when I'm happy and when I'm happy. I share when I'm successful. I share when I'm a failure. You know, I'm not here to be a teacher. I'm just here to be a fellow traveler that has turned on, You know, A computer to share from my understanding of what it means to be alive. And I, You know, I gain so much from so many other people in here and from you guys as well. So, Exactly, That's what we're here about, Right? Because Gitte is sharing, We are here for you, Brock, And you're not alone. And this might sound, You know, I know that this for me back in the days, It sounded like, Yeah, Nice sentence. Yeah, Right. But the truth is that Gitte is right. And the more we show up, The more we invest in a community like this, Even though it's an online one, The more we start feeling connected, The more it's a part of our day-to-day practice, Right? Wonderful session, Guys. So, Thank you so much for that first part with the meditation. And thank you so much for the second part. Let me just write the circle is called Kala Circle. So, You can go in and find this one afterwards. And in that circle, If you scroll up a bit, You can find a link for a SoundCloud profile where you can re-listen. So, I'm very auditive myself, So I really listen to things all the time over and over again. So, For whomever this session today resonated with, You can go back in like 15 minutes and re-listen. Yeah, That's it for now, Guys. Thank you so much for this space and thank you so much for showing up. Yeah, Actually, What I will do right now, Well, Brock, I'm back here every day. So, I'm back. We've been doing this for the past 94 days. So, Yeah, Just show up, Man. Just show up. So, You can Google this one, DISC. If you just write DISC, You will get a. . . Actually, The thing is with DISC, For some reason, There's not that much information to find out there. So, What I'll do instead is that I will share a link for a sample profile, Right? Where you can read about the theory, You can read about, You know, The different personality types, You can read about all of this stuff. And it is good stuff, But just like any other theory and model, It is to be used as such. So, It's not a, This is who I am, Right? So, I will share a link with you guys for a sample profile and it's going to be in Copenhagen, This urban retreat. I kind of like the wording of the urban retreat, Where it's going to be the end of Mr. And Mrs. Nice. So, It's going to be fun and very intense process. It's going to be a 12-hour a day process, Maybe more. So, I will share with you guys right away, So I don't forget in the circle. Thank you. See you guys back tomorrow. Have a beautiful day, Guys, And have a good night's sleep for you staying up late. Ciao, And thank you for that, Maureen. Beautiful having all you guys with us here. See you back tomorrow. Bye-bye. Thank you, Brock. Thank you, Robert, Everybody. Thank you. Bye-bye. That was a beautiful end to this day number 94, And it's such a beautiful gift being able to help guys. And the thing is that, Yeah, I'm doing this, But you're helping too. The energy that you put into it, The sharing, The showing up, Even though it's on SoundCloud, You know, Afterwards. I know from some of your comments, And I love that, That you feel like as if you are here, Right? And you are. So, Thank you so much for being there and here, And I'll see you back tomorrow. Thank you. Bye-bye.