Navigating The Conflict Between The Desire To Hide And The Desire To Communicate

In this episode of the 'You-Ni-Verse' podcast, I discuss the quote from Donald Winnicott: "Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide". How do we deal with these conflicting desires in a self-accepting and self-loving way, and manage to keep showing up in life and sharing our truth and our gifts? I give you three techniques that work for me when approaching this conflict, and help me to keep showing up and keep sharing.

Transcript

Hello and welcome.

This is Akasha Love.

I am a soul alchemist helping you to birth your true self in this lifetime.

Guided by my own soul and following my heart's wisdom,

I bring to you meditations,

Downloads,

Talks and music designed to support you on the journey deep into connecting with your soul and living a life which is fully grounded in and aligned with expressing your truth as authentically as possible.

So welcome to this episode eight of the Universe podcast.

Today I wanted to speak to you about the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

So recently I came across a quote by Donald Winnicott that says this,

So artists are people who are driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

So this is particularly relevant to me and even particularly today because this is the eighth episode of this podcast and I am still a little bit afraid to tell people that I'm actually doing this.

So I'm slowly telling people in my community amongst my friends and colleagues,

But it's a slow process.

So even though I spend,

Let's say,

An hour every week preparing this podcast,

Thinking about it,

Thinking about the topics I want to speak about,

Thinking about what I feel is important to share.

So I put in this time and effort and energy,

Yet there is still a part of me which is afraid to actually tell people that this is happening.

So I think this is common to all humans in my experience and it's not limited to artists.

And I actually am of the belief that everyone is an artist in some way,

Shape or form,

Because we all create our life based on our thoughts,

Emotions,

Perceptions,

Beliefs,

Decisions,

Actions,

Creations.

So all of us are creators.

We're all creating our experience every day,

Whether we are aware of this or not,

Or whether we're partially aware or fully aware or not at all aware,

Whether we're conscious or unconscious of the role that we have in the creation of our own experience.

We're all creators.

So I like to understand the term artist in this really broad way.

So investigating this topic of the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide,

I think it's relevant to everyone.

And I think it's particularly relevant to a topic I was speaking about in last week's episode or might have been the week before,

Which is this idea that we are not just one self.

There is not just one me person inside of most people.

We have multiple selves,

Multiple identities.

And these selves or identities generally will come out in relationship.

So depending on who we are relating with,

A different part of ourselves will be drawn out,

Pulled out in this connection.

Depending on the mirroring,

Depending on what is coming back to us from the people that we are relating with.

So,

For example,

If you are a musician,

The musical part of you is going to come out a lot more with someone who is also a musician or who has a deep understanding and appreciation of music.

Whereas if you're interfacing or relating with someone who does not have much of an interest in music,

Doesn't really appreciate music,

Maybe doesn't enjoy music or listening to music at all,

Then this part of you,

The musician part of you is not going to be drawn out in that interaction.

So you could easily understand this to look like you're two different people.

So with speaking with a musician,

The musical part of you is fully flowing and expressed and you're receiving that part of that other person back,

But with someone else that is not happening.

But this doesn't mean that we have any kind of multiple personality disorder or anything like this.

It's just the nature of how human life works.

So looking at this tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide,

I like to look at this based on this idea of parts theory,

What they call in psychotherapy,

Parts theory.

So the idea that we're made up of different parts or different selves.

So I look at the part of myself that wants to communicate and that is happy and excited to share my knowledge,

My skills,

My experience,

My talents and my gifts with others.

And I would identify this part of me as a loving part of myself.

The part which feels accepted,

Which feels loved by me primarily and which is not afraid to give of myself.

It feels safe to share.

Then if I look at the desire to hide where this comes from,

This is coming from another part of myself,

Which is the part which has before been scared or hurt or damaged by the reactions of other people.

And of course,

All of us have experienced this in different ways.

And the question is,

How do we relate with this part of ourselves,

This part of ourselves which is afraid of judgment,

Which is afraid of feeling not good enough,

Which is afraid of shame,

Basically.

So because this fear of the shame of being shamed or being or perceiving yourself to have been shamed by someone,

It's so intense and we just so do not want to feel this feeling that in order to stop ourselves from feeling this not good enoughness,

Feeling the shame,

We actually hide our light and we actually hide our gifts and we actually don't share.

So everybody has a different response to this feeling of being threatened by someone in relationship or by some people.

And it's commonly understood as the fight,

Flight or freeze response.

So everybody has a different tendency.

Some people will tend to fight,

Others will tend to freeze and others will tend to flight to flight to avoidance to running away.

And just for me particularly,

If I think about this,

When I was a child,

I was bullied a few times at school and my response was really to freeze in some way.

I remember in high school actually hiding in the corridors by myself,

So kind of a form of freezing,

Just wanting to be away from everybody,

Not to be seen,

Just wanting to be safe and by myself.

So this was how I dealt with that experience at the time.

I didn't really tell too many people about it and this way of dealing with it was not really very effective.

But it is interesting for me now as an adult to look at that.

That was my default response to feeling threatened back when I was a teenager in high school.

So the question then is how do we navigate this tension between this desire to communicate and the desire to hide?

How do we work with those opposite pulls within us in order to be able to show up in our life and to share our gifts?

So I would like to just share with you some of my techniques and tactics for working with this with myself.

So the first one probably that I've been working with recently is just to remember our own mortality.

So I remember,

Okay,

I'm going to die one day.

I don't know when,

Which day,

Hopefully not today,

But death is a reality,

Is the reality.

And knowing that,

How does that help me to show up today?

Am I able to use the knowledge of the finality of this life in order just to step a little bit deeper into my fears and show up and give something that I wish to give?

So that's my first go to.

My second one is just learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortableness.

So learning slowly,

Practicing,

Finding comfort in discomfort.

So the discomfort that maybe someone or some people don't like my work or what I share or my music or something else,

What I look like,

Whatever it is.

Maybe that's actually okay.

Can I lean into that and be comfortable with that?

Can I stand that experience?

And the third go to that I have for this navigating these tensions,

These opposite tensions,

Is the concept from Buddhism,

Which I find is so helpful with all of this work of authenticity and fully showing up in life and being who we are meant to be.

It's the idea of not self.

So Anatta is the Buddhist concept.

So one of the three markers of existence and it means emptiness of self.

And the other one is what I mentioned as my first go to,

Which is mortality.

So that is impermanence in Buddhism.

So that's another of the markers of existence.

Nothing is forever.

Our life is not forever.

We are not forever.

So the second one is not self.

And this helps me because when I'm in this situation of being afraid of judgment by others,

I can ask myself the question,

Who is afraid?

Who is this solid self who is afraid?

Is there a solid self from which to be afraid?

And if I ask this question,

I discover,

No,

There is not a solid self.

This idea of me is not a real concept because this me concept,

This person me is changing all the time.

Growing,

Developing,

Understanding new things,

Growing new beliefs,

Letting go of old beliefs.

So there is no solid me which can be threatened.

So this also helps.

And then the third marker of existence in Buddhism is Dukkha or suffering.

Or often it's translated as unsatisfactoriness.

So this is also a reality for all beings.

Suffering or unsatisfactoriness,

Not getting what you want,

Getting what you want and then losing what you want,

Being judged,

Feeling afraid.

It's just part of life.

It's part of existence.

So Buddhism is my go to for so many of life's existential questions.

And it's particularly relevant for this tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

So just to demonstrate this that I've been talking about today,

A few days ago I was at a sharing music,

Mantra sharing,

Where I go regularly and share some of my songs.

And I had the experience of feeling some level of shame because somebody wanted to play my guitar and they discovered that it was not really in tune and express this loudly to everyone present.

I'm a fairly new guitarist,

So I've only been playing for about five years,

Which is fairly new.

And at that time I wasn't able to tune very well because of various,

Various reasons anyway.

So my shame was triggered in this instance by this person I did not know who asked to borrow my guitar and then loudly stated how it was completely out of tune.

And what I did feel this shame trigger at the time.

And I was uncomfortable.

I did my best to stay with this discomfort,

Just to feel into it,

Feel the desire to shrink and run away and hide.

And then after this experience when I came back home.

I just thought about it,

And I asked myself does this mean I somehow diminished as a person for having my guitar,

Not in tune and for this person I don't know pointing that out loudly to others.

And,

Of course,

No.

It's just,

It's just an event that happened which will pass away as all events do.

And I do not need to take that on board as any kind of fuel for any kind of self judgment on my behalf.

And then there's another voice which might come up in me which says,

Oh yes,

But what about those other people who you know,

Who you've been playing music to for weeks now,

Perhaps they would judge you as having your guitar out of tune as not being a good musician.

What to do about that.

And of course,

Nothing.

The answer is always nothing because people will always judge,

And I don't have any control over that.

So there's nothing to worry about there,

People will think whatever they wish.

And that's none of my business.

So,

The question then is do we keep showing up.

So we have these experiences of being shamed sometimes of feeling not enough of feeling somehow not good enough because we've been criticized in some maybe public way.

Can we process and integrate that experience and keep showing up,

And for me,

These three markers of existence from Buddhism really help a lot to navigate this tension and to be able to just keep showing up,

Knowing that the solid self the idea of a solid me is not true,

Knowing that all experiences are temporary and impermanent,

And I will die one day.

So why not share what I have to share today,

And knowing that some level of suffering and discomfort is just the reality of life.

So that's just how it is it's just going to keep on happening.

So I may as well get used to it and and learn to be comfortable in discomfort.

For me particularly it helps a lot just to see if I can be in that uncomfortable feeling being that feeling of shame or not good enough nurse and recognize that as the feeling that I'm feeling right in that minute.

And if I can recognize that right in that minute,

Then instantly I've created a little bit distance between this idea of me and the feeling that I'm experiencing,

I create this space.

And suddenly,

I can breathe and relax into that and it's okay,

I'm just experiencing that sensation of shame I'm not a,

I'm not ashamed person or I'm not a not good enough person.

It's just a temporary experience.

So,

I hope that helps you to navigate this tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

I really encourage you to keep communicating to keep sharing to keep showing up to keep sharing your work.

Because it really is for the benefit of everyone.

And I really truly believe that whatever is coming out of you,

Whatever you deeply feel called to share and to give is what you're meant to share and give.

You're here for that and all of us,

Others need that gift from you.

That's why you have it.

So that's another encouragement and reminder for us to keep showing up and keep sharing.

Because our unique gifts can only come through us.

And if we don't share them,

Then everybody else misses out.

So this is another way to take the spotlight off the me and the self and put it on other people who will benefit from your being courageous and showing up and sharing your,

Your gifts and yourself.

So thank you for listening.

In the light of this topic,

I would love if you would share this podcast with anybody that you think would benefit from it,

I would really appreciate that.

It is my goal to help as many people as possible,

Even though I acknowledge this part of me that also still wants to hide.

So if you can help me with that,

That would be amazing.

Keep following the wisdom of your heart,

The whisperings of your soul,

Because these will always lead you in the right direction.

You

Reviews

Love this. So wonderful. I felt like I was sitting with a friend.

Thanks for your wisdom! I also share these feelings!

Thank you for your offerings, gifts and insights. I hope you keep sharing 💕🌸