Forgiving Yourself And Others Is So Difficult, But Necessary

It's easy to believe that if someone hurt us, then they should suffer the consequences forever. But we are hurting ourselves in that process more than we are hurting them. Forgiveness is so difficult, but it's so necessary if we wish to heal.

Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash

Transcript

In this video I want to speak to you a little bit about forgiveness.

I've been reading this book or listening to this audiobook on forgiveness by Desmond Tutu and Unpo Tutu,

His daughter,

And for a long time now since I would say at least for two years for sure I've been in this kind of phase where I've been really trying to forgive not only myself of course for all the crimes that I feel I've committed in the past,

All the mistakes I've made and things that I cannot you know,

Cannot forget,

Things that I've done that I'm like,

Why did I do that?

I can't believe I did that.

So those kind of things I'm really trying to forgive myself for it but also really of course forgiving my parents for all the different things that I thought that you know they have committed crimes against me which is really not true,

They did the best they could and also forgiving you know my past relationships,

Any of my past relationships not only romantic but platonic,

Any kind of friendships,

Anyone that I think in my life that reserves any kind of forgiveness.

I've been really trying,

It's just possible to just let go of all those resentments,

All the bitterness,

All the frustrations,

All of that negativity really been trying very hard to let go of all of that because I really feel like the more I let go of it I'm obviously just a baby in this regard because I just started doing it and I know it's going to be a long journey but the more I do it the more I realize how much anger and resentment and bitterness I've been holding on to without even realizing that I was holding on to it it's like,

It's holding me back,

It's pulling me back,

It's making me heavy and it's making me dark and black and slimy on the inside,

My heart is becoming heavy and closed off because of all of these emotions but I don't even realize it and I think yeah everything's fine,

Everything's cool and then I'll get triggered by something or I'll get triggered by my parents by something they do and I realize wow I still have such a long way to go because I have still so much anger and hatred and stuff inside of me all these negative emotions that I think that I've gotten rid of that are still really apparent inside of me.

Now I'm not saying that I'm thinking about this all the time it's something that comes up for me maybe once or twice a week that I'm like you know I really need to let go of this,

Why am I still holding on to it,

Why can't I just forgive and so because of this I started reading this book because I'm like I really need some guidance from someone who's an expert at this so I started reading the book on forgiveness and he talks about the fourfold path the fourfold steps,

The fourfold path to forgiveness and I'm not going to tell you the fourfold path because I want you to go and read the book if possible because it's such a good book and it's really necessary in our life right now I feel like everyone should really be forgiving as much as possible because I think a lot of the resentment and hatred and bitterness in the world right now is also because we're holding so much hatred bitterness and resentment in ourselves.

You know the microcosm is a reflection of the macrocosm and the macrocosm is a reflection of the microcosm and so whatever shows up on the outside is what's inside us and I know hatred and bitterness and resentment are showing up in my world outside of the universe it's because I'm holding on to those emotions within me and so I'm really trying as much as possible to let go,

To let go,

To let go to forgive,

To forgive,

To forgive now of course there's a method called ho'oponopono,

It's a Hawaiian method of forgiveness and that also works really well but I really find for myself it's really truly tapping into the stories that I tell about these individuals and that's one of the steps actually in the fourfold path you know,

Name the hurt,

Name the hurt and tell the story.

What is it exactly that this person did to you?

And it's kind of fascinating to me because as soon as I sit down to name the hurt to talk about the story,

What is my story in regards to my parents,

What is my story in regards to my exes what is my story in regards to the friend that I still despise or hold negative emotions against and as soon as I sit down to write the story sometimes it kind of feels so silly I actually have no story to tell it's just something that I've kind of created inside of myself,

These projections,

These maddening things that are not even real when I actually start to write down the story I'm like I don't actually have anything to say because everything that I write down seems so silly and there's really nothing real that they need to be forgiven for because they didn't actually do anything real they just did the best they could and that's it really and so just even going through the process and trying to figure out what am I angry about and then figuring out oh there's nothing actually real that I'm angry about I've just been making up the story in my head because it's the victim role that I like to play it really helped me a lot because it made me realize okay alright boom what are you actually angry about there's nothing really here you're just actually making up nonsensical stories and there's nothing that they did that you really need to forgive and again same thing for myself you know I there's nothing that I did particularly that I need to forgive myself for I just did the best I could and yes of course I made mistakes yes my parents made mistakes yes my friends made some mistakes but that's just what a flawed human being does you know we are all flawed in our own way and the same thing that they've done I've done to other people you know I am not perfect either I have hurt other people I have caused pain to other people unintentionally most of the time of course but sometimes intentionally as well so as just like I'm a flawed human being who has a lot to be forgiven for you know they are flawed human beings who should be forgiven as well it's just seeing the humanity in the other person which is really important and that's something that I always forget because I always start playing this role of the victim and I start saying oh that person they did it because they hate me and they did it intentionally and they wanted to hurt me and I forget that they're just a fallible human being they're just a imperfect human being just like I am and they're doing the best they can I'm doing the best we can and both of us are and then you know despite doing our best mistakes are made despite doing our best humanity shows up you know our humanness shows up and so seeing their humanity seeing their flaws seeing our flaws and then kind of just putting it all together to realize okay you know this is what it is there's nothing I can do about it there's nothing I can do to change the past there's nothing I can do to change this person all I can do is forgive them and forgive myself my own role in the issue because I am not completely just absolved of any fault if they did something to me I'm sure there was something I did to them as well and so kind of going through all this process and kind of reading the book listening to it listening to his you know his words and listen to stories of people who have forgiven and they've forgiven such heinous crimes you know there are stories of people who lost their daughters by a drunk driver's fault and that drunk driver was forgiven by them they forgave her because they realized that she was just a flawed human being and you know there were other people who forgave their abuser and other people who forgave their murderers of their families and things like that and it just feels like if these people can forgive such huge things I can forgive things that are not even real you know that are not even that big so it really makes me feel really a lot of peace when I listen to this book and also just peace thinking about the fact that I need I want I desire to forgive because it's for me it's not for them you know I don't want to hold on to these negative heavy closed off emotions anymore I don't want to be this person anymore it's too difficult it's too hard it's too exhausting it's too draining I don't want to do this to myself or to the generations to come you know if I hold on to this I'm basically holding on to it and going to transfer it over to the next generation and the next generation is going to carry it I just don't want that I want to stop the cycle of madness I want to stop the cycle of hatred and negativity I don't want to carry it on to the next generation over and over again it seems like such a waste and such a burden and it's just it's not something that I want to do anymore as much as possible before I die I'd like to forgive as much as possible no matter what it is no matter how big or small it is I want to let go of it that's my real true intention really for the next few years is to really focus on this journey of forgiveness and I hope I hope that I'm able to have the strength and and I can get you know I'm glad support in this and also just just support myself in this journey because it's so important I think it's the most important thing I can do in my spiritual path and of course I'd love to hear from you I don't know if you have ever considered forgiveness or you know the path of forgiveness or forgiving your parents or friends or family or yourself and if you have what kind of tools have you used I'd love to hear about all this I'm really excited that I get to share this with you and get to share this forgiveness journey with you if you're on it as well I think it's such a powerful journey it really is the most powerful thing you can really do as human beings so let me know and again thank you so much for listening thank you for being on the Solar Vitamins and I shall see you the next time around Bye

Reviews

Good information, I would have appreciated a more detailed description and title for the book

It is so refreshing to listen to your thoughts, your honesty, your genuine desire to make peace with yourself and the people or situations around you. I’m here for this! Over the past year or even two I have been pretty consumed by repetitive negative thoughts, and a couple of resentments that I really want to let go of. I want to forgive, I want to understand, and I want peace from it. I am only just starting the journey so I have no pearls fo wisdom yet but I am very encouraged to know that their are others who are working towards this. It will be for the greater good, I truely believe.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm interested in looking more deeply into this process. My approach comes from the Buddhist tradition but I'm very interested in all these human journeys that help to heal individuals, communities and entire societies... Let's hope we can contribute to heal the planet through forgiveness