Letting Go of Your Story

Mindfulness teacher Bill Scheinman explores the power of mindfulness for helping us see through the self-defeating narratives that often limit our possibilities.

Transcript

As you listen to these words,

Feel free to close your eyes and relax.

Maybe connect to your breath and just let the words enter your awareness as they will.

What I'd like to talk about is letting go of our stories.

We tell ourselves stories all the time about the way life is treating us or about the ways we plan on conquering life.

Because we've been retelling versions of these stories for years,

They're extremely compelling.

We tend to believe our stories because they've become so familiar.

Haven't you noticed that?

There's something comforting in telling ourselves that the reason we didn't get that job is the same reason our last relationship broke up or that we never have any money.

Here are some sample narratives and decide for yourself if any of them seem familiar to you.

I never got the love I needed when I was a kid.

I never got that advanced degree.

I'm not tall enough.

I'm not attractive enough.

I've always been a few years behind everyone else.

I should be treated with respect.

If you don't treat me with respect,

You're a bad person.

My sister was always mom's favorite,

Etc.

,

Etc.

Narratives like these are ways of making sense of a mysterious and often uncooperative world.

In conjuring these stories,

The mind is trying to take care of us.

That's because when we understand what's happening,

We feel safer and more in control.

So the mind is really trying to understand what's going on because it wants us to stay safe.

We all have versions of these stories,

And so deeply embedded are they in our psyches that we often don't realize how much they control us.

Now when we bring awareness to these stories,

We can see how destructive they can be,

How limiting and distorting.

We can see that these stories are actually mental prisons that incarcerate our imaginations and hearts.

The problem,

Of course,

Is that unless the mind is trained,

We will tend not to see these stories with any awareness.

Instead,

We embody the stories in the way we act in the world,

The way we treat ourselves,

And other people.

These narratives become the water we swim in.

We don't notice them.

Once many years ago,

My girlfriend and I went backpacking in the Ventana wilderness near Big Sur,

California.

We camped by a river,

And after having a nice dinner,

I collected all our food in a bag and went off to hang it from a high branch of a tree to protect it from bears.

I connected a piece of rope to the food bag and tied the other end of the rope around a rock.

The plan was to hurl the rock high over the branch and then pull on the rope until the food bag got lifted to the branch.

So I hurled the rock and I missed.

It didn't go over the branch.

I tried again and missed again.

I tried again.

The same result.

I started getting angry.

Over the next half hour,

I tried repeatedly and failed repeatedly to get that rock over the branch.

I became furious,

Seething with rage.

With each failure to get that rock over the branch,

My sense of being an inferior person deepened.

The basic story was,

I am not a competent and skilled man.

In fact,

I am not much of a man at all.

Ouch!

What a harsh inner critic I had!

After half an hour,

I suddenly stopped and saw my girlfriend placidly tossing stones into the burbling stream.

Her calmness made me realize how crazy I had been acting.

It was as if I had been spinning in a furious vortex at a thousand miles per hour and had suddenly been stilled.

I relaxed,

Checked in with her,

And then,

Calmer and clearer,

I did manage to get the rock over the branch and I hung our food.

Now I include that story only to point out how rare indeed it is to see our stories with so much clarity.

Usually we are living our stories,

Not seeing them as stories.

One of the powerful and really miraculous things about mindfulness practice is that when we just sit and focus on the breath for ten minutes,

We will become intimately familiar with our habitual narrative arcs,

Whether we like it or not.

The act of sitting and focusing on your breathing inevitably forces you to confront the ruts and ruins of the mind.

So to train yourself to focus on your breath is also to develop real skill with noticing your thoughts and whether they are helpful or harmful.

And just as coming back to your breath again and again helps you develop greater focus,

Clarity,

And ease,

Noticing your thoughts and obsessive narratives over and over again makes it much more likely that you will notice them in daily life when you are faced with a challenge and not let them control your response.

Recently someone cut me off at the entrance to a freeway,

Veering in front of my car in a dangerous manner.

My first reaction was to get angry,

To label the driver in my mind as an idiot.

It was the if you don't respect me you're a bad person narrative.

Then I remembered to hold that story in awareness and instantly instead of believing the story about being disrespected by an idiot,

I realized that I was feeling stressed out because I was running late and I needed to be somewhere.

Understanding my own stress I was able to let go of the story that had prevented me from seeing the situation with calm clarity,

Something that for sure I would not have done if I hadn't been practicing mindfulness.

If I was in the woods at some point and having trouble hanging my food I know that I would be a lot kinder to myself now than I was many years ago.

And while it is true that my stories still return again and again,

I just don't believe them so much anymore.

Reviews

Very liberating. Thank you for this.

This is just what I needed today! Thank you...

Very helpful thanks

Simply powerful, there is an abrupt cutoff at the end but it seems as if the talk was coming to an end anyway. This was a great reminder of the benefit of being mindful. Thank you 🙏🏽

Bill thank you for this your stories certainly resonated with me and has given me some new and valued insight.
Warm wishes,
Lyn.

Super helpful! Thank you!

A simple story -explains one of the benefits of mindfulness.

thank you for this beautiful message. mindfulness teach us how to be grateful and kind with us and others. namaste

Great mindfulness training.

Especially the last sentence stood out

Thank you Bill! I've bookmarked this! The way you explained the benefits of meditation was so clear and relevant to me.✨

What a wonderful, clear and logic explanation of the story concept. Even though I knew it prior, it was great to strengthen the understanding of it. Thank you.

Great perspective and clarity. Direct and short message

Great words to grow by, find your place in this world.

Would like more programs on this topic.

It's a beautiful story telling us a to do/go on with mindfulness in a simple yet confronting way.
Thank for sharing this with us 🙏☯️🙃

Great quick insight🦋🙏🏻🌟✨⭐️💫

Interesting ideas to think about. Thank you.