When You Feel Unlovable

Do you ever feel there is something fundamentally wrong with you, no matter how the day is going? In this talk Ann tells her own story of growing up feeling flawed and unlovable, and what changed when she learned to turn toward those feelings instead of being at their mercy. The three steps are to stay connected with your body, separate from the feelings and beliefs by saying "I am sensing something in me that believes there is something wrong with me," and stay with it, open to what it wants to show you. It is a gentle talk for anyone with harsh feelings about themselves. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

Hi, I'm Anne. And a wonder. How are you doing these days with your inner peace? Does it go up and down? Is it easy on some days and hard on others? Does it feel like there's something always there in you that makes it impossible to feel truly at peace ever? Not just something going on right now? But some way that you're essentially wrong or bad deep down. I know about this, Believe me. I've been there. And you know, Often in these videos, I tell a story about a student of mine and how that person made use of some tips from me to find inner peace in a challenging time. But today, The person I want to tell you about is me. Myself. My younger self. Because all of you, My childhood and teenage years and young adulthood, I felt there was something fundamentally flawed about me. I was unlovable, Deep down. I had to pretend? To be someone else, Not like myself, In order for people to like me, I thought. I was bullied at school, And now I think that it was partly because other kids could sense that insecurity in me. But of course, Being bullied and having only a few friends added to my sense that there was something deeply flawed and unlovable in me. I remember. That every time I looked in the mirror, I would see everything that was wrong with how I looked. Hair, Wrong. Nose, Wrong. Teeth, Wrong. I thought that if only I could dress right and look right. Other kids would like me, And then I would feel like I was worthwhile. I used to study the popular kids like an anthropologist, To try to see what they were doing differently from me. But it was hopeless. Nothing I'd ever tried worked to change my conviction. That I would never be lovable. Or even acceptable. And it went on that. Until I learned the focusing process in my 20s. Focusing is a compassionate process of self-awareness centered on body-based feelings in the present moment. And when I learned focusing. I found out. That I could turn toward my feelings instead of being at the mercy of them. Rather than just feeling something, I could be with what I was feeling. It's like sitting next to a lake instead of swimming, Possibly drowning, In the lake. Well, Here's what I learned how to do once. Stay connected with my body. Because my feelings about this whole thing were uncomfortable, And I often distracted myself rather than feel them. My nose was in a book a lot of the time, But that left the whole thing unchanged. 2. Get sacred from the feelings and from the beliefs by using language like, I am sensing something in me that believes there's something deeply wrong with me and feels bad about it. And three. Stay with it. And be open to what it wants to reveal. Okay, So here's what happened. Every time I was in a social situation, I felt awkward and too big, Like I was a bull in a china shop who would bunk into things and cause everyone to glare at me with disapproval. I wasn't actually a large person, So I didn't know where these feelings came from, But they simply seemed true. I was the wrong size, And quite likely everyone knew it. I decided to really put this focusing thing to the test. Hadn't helped me much yet, But I had a focusing partner who I really trusted, So I decided to invite this too-big feeling and follow the process I'd learned. Number one, I connected with my body. I could vividly recall how uncomfortable the too-big feeling was. I had the strong urge to stop and distract myself, But I managed to stay with it and go to the next step. That's two. Acknowledging the feeling by saying, I'm sensing something in me that feels too big. And I'm sensing something in me. Feeling really uncomfortable. Well, That actually did help a little. I felt a bit more breathing room. And three. I stayed with the feeling, With an openness to what would come from it. I felt a bit weird doing this, But what the heck, It was worth a try. After a few minutes, I was about ready to give up. But my focusing partner just repeated my last words, And that helped me be willing to stay with the feelings a bit longer. And then. . . A sort of memory can. It was like a scene from my childhood, Although I didn't actually remember it. I saw my mother in her bedroom in a chair. Holding my baby brother. He was born when I was about three years old. There was light all around them, Like they were the center of the universe. And little me was standing at the edge of the room in the shadows, Longing to be part of them. And for a long time the scene stayed like that, Little me yearning and feeling exiled out in the cold. And then I walked up to my mother, And I asked her to pick me up too, Hold me too. And she said. . . No, I can't. You're too big. Wow. So at the same time, I could feel how painful that was for the younger me. And I could feel a tingling through my whole body, Like something loosening up and getting free. I don't remember what happened next, But I do know this. That was the end of the too-big feeling in social interactions. Frankly? I don't think my feeling of being odd and wrong and unlovable is all that uncommon. If you were a sensitive kid who was a little or a lot different from other kids, Or if your family environment wasn't the kindest or gentlest, You could probably tell a similar tale. But for each of us, The underlying story is unique. My brother was born sickly and needed near-to-constant attention. I went from being the treasured only child to being out in the cold. And nobody explained it to me, And of course, As kids do, I thought it meant there was something wrong with me. My body had been signaling to me with the too-big feeling in social situations that there was something in there that needed my compassionate understanding. And boy. . . Did it ever change when I felt it and understood it? Well, That one session. Didn't clear up all the unlovable feelings, But over time it all shifted. And today, When I look in a mirror, I really like who I see. The message I want to give you today is that if you have negative feelings about yourself, All of that can change. It really can. And that change can open up lots of new possibilities for how good life can feel. So. Here's to you! Having a more peaceful and self-loving life.