Transitions: Navigating Non-death Losses

This talk looks at many types of losses over the lifespan such as leaving home, divorce, retirement, job loss, moving. It normalizes the 3-stage arc of transition and offer two practices towards making friends with impermanence: a breathing practice and a self-compassion practice.

Transcript

Hello. My name is Ashley Davis Bush, And I'm a licensed clinical social worker. And I have been working with grievers of all kinds for the past 35 years. I've also written 10 self-help books, Three of which are about bereavement, And quite a few of which are about inner peace and acceptance. And I would like to talk to you today about impermanence, About change, About losses of all kinds, Not just death, But non-death losses. And by that I mean pretty much any kind of change across the life cycle. That might include going away to college, Leaving home, Getting married, Having a baby. While those might seem like positive moves forward, Each one of them has a loss. Letting go of your childhood home, Letting go of your single life, Letting go of your life without children. Because for those parents out there, We know that when you have children, Everything changes. It continues through the life cycle, Losses, Impermanence, Change. It could be welcome or it could be unwelcome. It could be a divorce, Whether you asked for it or it was asked of you. It could be a job loss, Being fired. As you go through life, Perhaps moving, Changing cities or states. It could be moving forward even more, Retirement, The empty nest, Aging. Change and impermanence is the deal. It's the price of living. It's the terms of being alive on planet Earth. So we're going to talk about these impermanent losses, Look at the arc from letting go to being in a liminal space to moving forward. And then I have two practices for you today. One is a breathing practice for grounding and one is a self-compassion practice as you go through transitions. But first we're going to start with a bell practice. So I invite you to close your eyes and settle in and let yourself arrive into this moment with curiosity about whatever needs to arise. Breathing in, Breathing out and allowing yourself to be here now. As I said, Impermanence is just the law of life and learning how to accept that, To flow with that, To embrace that reality is a key skill in having a more peaceful life. Because if you resist and spend time grousing about change or as I said resisting it, You will create much suffering in your life, Much unnecessary suffering I would say. Because if you can surf the waves of change that are absolutely inevitable, You will find a more peaceful path. So looking at just the arc of what it means to have a transition, Again whether it is a non-death loss such as divorce, Job loss, Being fired, The empty nest, Retirement, Aging, Moving, Growing up, Having a baby, Getting married, All of these life cycle events involve change and loss. And the three parts of the arc are letting go or basically the end of what was. The second part is the liminal space, The transition between no longer and not yet. It's a time of deregulation and being unsettled as if the ground beneath you is shaking and unsteady. And then the third piece is moving forward or the new possibility. So how do you navigate those three? How do you do that when it could take a while, It could take months to go through that arc of letting go, The liminal space and moving forward. It could be quite quick, But often those kinds of transitions really take months and months and months. So one aspect is to as you're letting go of something, Saturate yourself with gratitude. Gratitude for what you had, For what was, Even as you might grieve letting it go. With regards to the liminal space, The goal here, As I'm going to explain with some of these practices, Is to ground yourself and to be compassionate with yourself so that you can navigate the unsteadiness of the liminal space. However, Also in the liminal space is a potential fertility, A growth, A creativity in the void. So there is a lot of excitement that can happen in the liminal space as well. And then the third piece of moving forward, How can you be curious about that? How can you be looking for the possibility, Opening yourself to the unknown in a way that feels exciting and anticipatory? So that's kind of the arc and that's part of the tools to help you navigate the arc. Gratitude, Grounding, And curiosity. But the specific practices I'd like to share with you today, The first one is a breathing practice. We know that breathing practices are wonderful to help you ground and to help you stabilize your nervous system, To activate the parasympathetic nervous system so that you are calm and relaxed and not in a stress response. So the breathing practice I would like to share with you today is called the 4-7-8 breath. You inhale for four, You hold for seven, You exhale for eight. When you're inhaling for the count of four, I suggest you breathe up through the soles of your feet. So let's just try that together. Breathing up for the count of four, One, Two, Three, Four, Hold for seven, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Exhale for eight, Blowing out like through a straw with pursed lips, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight. You will need to experiment with that. Inhaling for four, Holding for seven, Exhaling through pursed lips for eight. And the instruction is to do that three times. So 4-7-8, 4-7-8, 4-7-8, And then maybe a different time during the day, 4-7-8, 4-7-8, 4-7-8. And then just sit for a minute and notice what's going on within your body. Notice if you're feeling a little more stabilized, A little more grounded. Because that is what we want as you navigate these inevitable losses and changes. Because they are real and they are part of life, As I have said. So you want to make peace with these changes. You don't want to find yourself an enemy of change, Because you will not win. Reality will win, And reality involves change, And change involves loss. Change also involves possibility, And so that's the good news, That even as you're letting go of something with gratitude and perhaps grief, And even as you're in the unsteady liminal space, You are moving towards something new, Something different, Something with possibility. So the other practice I'd like to share with you is a self-compassion practice. Because as you're going through a transition, As you're letting go and saying goodbye, As you're hinging towards hello to the new, You really need to be compassionate with yourself. In fact, Self-compassion is a skill that we all need more of, That we are not typically instructed in. But I'm going to break it down into three parts that I call the ACT practice, A-C-T. Act as if. Act as if you're being self-compassionate, Even if you don't feel it initially. The A is to acknowledge your feelings, Such as, I acknowledge that this is a really challenging transition for me. So you acknowledge what you're feeling. C in ACT is to connect to all beings who have felt this way, To remind yourself that you are not alone. So you might say to yourself, Yes, I'm not the only person who's gotten divorced, I'm the only person who's retired, I'm not the only person who has moved and has a new home. And then T is to talk kindly to yourself. To talk to yourself as if you might to a close friend. Say you're going to be okay, You got this. This is a challenge and it's an opportunity. It also helps if you can put your hand over your heart, One hand over your heart and one hand cradling your face, Touching your cheek. These are basically motions of compassion and kindness and tenderness and your body responds accordingly. So hand over heart, Hand on cheek, ACT practice. I acknowledge that this move is very challenging and very overwhelming. I connect to all beings who have moved, Who know what this is like. In fact, I myself have done it before and know what it's like. And T, I'm going to talk kindly to myself because this is just a time of transition and overwhelm and you're going to get through it, You're going to be okay, You have the support of friends and family, All will be well. And that is a self-compassion practice. So, Just to recap, Non-death losses are normal, Impermanence is the way of the world. Make friends with that, Don't make enemies with that. Let yourself go from the past to the liminal space to the future and make sure you have practices to help you feel supported and basically knowing that you can get through this, Shoring up your sense of, I've got this. Use the practice, The 4-7-8 breath, Do that several times throughout the day and you will feel more grounded and use the self-compassion practice and you will feel more cared for by yourself. I hope you find those practices useful and that you manage to enjoy and embrace the changes, The many changes that will come your way because it is the way. I wish you much peace along your journey.