Continuing Bonds: The Ongoing Relationship With The Deceased

Just because your loved one has died does not mean that the relationship has died. You are still in a relationship based on memory, love and ongoing attachment. This talk describes two practices - setting up a home altar and automatic writing - to support a healthy continuing bond with your loved one.

Transcript

Hello, My name is Ashley Davis Bush. I'm a licensed clinical social worker and I have been working with grievers for over 35 years. I've written 10 self-help books and three of those are specifically about bereavement. Today I'd like to talk to you about the continuing bonds or the ongoing relationship that you will have with your loved one who has exited the planet. In other words, Even when you start to heal, Even when you start to quote-unquote move on, You are still in relationship with your loved one. Just because they have died does not mean the relationship is over. It is very much still a part of who you are. So we are going to be talking about that today and I'm also going to share with you two practices to help facilitate the continuing bonds. But first we're going to start with a bell practice to help us settle into this moment together. So I invite you to close your eyes, To get comfortable wherever you're sitting or lying down, To feel supported by the chair or the couch or the bed or the floor. Breathing in, Breathing out, Allowing yourself to be fully present and open to whatever needs to arise. So I'd like to first share some thoughts about this concept of continuing bonds. It has certainly become more prevalent in the grief space over the last 20 years. But prior to that there was an idea that you should cut your connection to your loved one, Sever it, Forget about them as if anyone could. But the prevailing wisdom and even advice given by well-meaning mental health professionals was to forget them, To cut that cord and to move on with your life as if they had never been part of your life. Well that was terrible advice and we now know that it's not even possible and that you would never want to repress or suppress your relationship with them because they are literally a part of you. You are the you today that you are because you knew and loved them. Whether this was a spouse, A child, Your parent, Grandparent, Sibling, Pet. These beings, These love beings who touched your life, They are imprinted into your soul and the love is much stronger than death. So you want to actually encourage and support the continuing bonds. Now that doesn't mean that you don't still engage in the people who are around you who are still on planet Earth. It just means that you do both. You have relationships with people who are alive because you yourself are still alive and you have a relationship with your loved ones who have exited, Particularly the ones who have touched your life the most profoundly. These are the continuing bonds, The ongoing relationship. So one way to do that is to continue to talk about them, To share memories, To bring them up in conversation even if whoever you do that with feels uncomfortable. You don't want to forget them. You don't want to pretend that they didn't exist and while some people might find that strange and not even ever mention your loved one lest they upset you, You want to model for them that they are very much alive in your heart, In your soul, In your mind and therefore you lead the way by remembering them, By referencing them, By talking about them so that you can model the fact that you have a continuing bond and that that is not a sign of pathology or that your grief isn't progressing. It's a sign of true love, That true love does not die. So here are two practices for you to also engage with this idea and understanding that it is perfectly healthy and in fact necessary to keep your relationship alive. And one is to set up an altar. Now this may seem countercultural because in general Western society does not encourage altars. Some places of the world they do, Particularly in Latin America, Especially around Day of the Dead, Dia de los Muertos, Where they have ofrendas or offerings, Altars essentially in their home to honor their loved ones. Also in certain Asian cultures it's very common to have an altar set up toward the ancestors. But you get to create in your home what feels most special and most resonant. Typically one would put up a picture of their loved one and you have a space set aside in a corner or a part of a room with a little shelf if you will. You put up a photograph. You might have some ashes or the urn if they were cremated or some sort of symbolic impression if they were buried. So you might have a picture of the grave. You could also have fresh flowers, Little bowls for fruit offerings. That's very common in Latin America. You might have religious statues if that speaks to you, A picture of the Virgin Mary or a statue, The Buddha. You could have a picture or a statue again of Kuan Yin or Shiva. And anything that feels relevant to you. It might be a toy if it was a child who died or a picture of their footprint if it was an infant who died. You could have things that they loved, Symbols of who they were. If they were a coin collector, Put a coin there. If they were a chef, You know, You might put a spoon from the kitchen there, Like a wooden stirring spoon. You get to be creative. Things that remind you of your person. Things that remind you of your life together. Images and symbols that are relevant to you. And you could also include some other classics like a shell or a stone, Figures of nature, Again flowers which I mentioned. You get to create the altar that you want. You could have crystals, Rosaries, Even love letters. Letters they wrote you. Valentines. Anything that again reminds you of all the brilliance in your relationship with them. Do not be afraid to do it. And if people come in and say, Oh you've created the shrine, You must not be moving on. You say quite the contrary. This shrine or altar is to honor my loved one and to symbolize all that we were together so that I'm always aware of how blessed I was and am and I'm grateful for what I had and have. That's how you handle it. A second practice is known as automatic writing. Now automatic writing has a long history and it may sound strange at first. So you get to use it as it feels appropriate. The minimal way of doing it is that you write a letter to your loved one and then you just say, You know, Dear John I miss you so much. I'm thinking about you. I was laughing the other day because I remember that time that we did X, Y, And Z when we went on our ski vacation. You just write to them. And then you might logically write back from them to you. And that's a strange phenomenon because they're not here, Right? But you would use your imagination to say, What would John say back to me? He'd say, Oh I remember that. It was so funny. I love that time. I miss you. Things like that. However, There's a up level to automatic writing and that is the idea that you can actually access some sort of metaphysical space where they can write you back. And the way to access that is to write the response letter from them to you with your non-dominant hand. So if you're right-handed, You write the letter to John in your right hand and you have the response from John to you. You write it in your left hand. The idea is that you're so focused on trying to get the letters created by your left hand, Your non-dominant hand, That something else can come through and be accessed. People who are successful with this practice, They really feel like they're tapping into a different spirit space. They feel like their loved one comes through in their own voice. They often hear things that they didn't imagine they would hear and learn things from the other side that they didn't know by accessing a letter from their loved one to them. So give that a try. If it doesn't work the first or second time, That's fine. Give it another try. Be open. Be curious. Be available to mystery, To the unexplained, To the unknown. But if that's not going well for you, Then just write your letter to them. And that is also therapeutic because it keeps the relationship going and it keeps the love alive. That is the main thing, Is that the love is still very much present and alive. And with all that, Knowing that continuing bonds are important and necessary and healthy, You still want to engage with the living. So again, Both are true. You're looking for the balance here that feels natural. And over time, I'm confident you will find it. You are still here and there are lots of people, I'm sure, In your life who love you and want to be loved by you. So even as you continue the relationship with your primary person who has passed on, You are still here for a reason to be in relationship with the people who are here. All of that is part of our life journey and part of our grief journey. So I hope you will find those practices helpful. Again, It's to set up an altar slash shrine in your home and to give automatic writing a try and see how that goes for you. And holding in your heart the love that never dies. I am wishing you much peace on your grief journey.