What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Sex At 17

Seven things about sex, desire, and pleasure that many women only discover later in life. This talk explores how arousal actually works, why orgasm isn't the goal, the difference between physical and mental readiness, and what it means to reclaim pleasure as your birthright.

Transcript

What I wish someone had told me about sex at 17 I had my first orgasm during sex when I was in my 30s and I thought I was the only one.

All my life I thought that orgasm was the goal of sex and I was totally failing at it.

I also felt the pressure of the man wanting to make me cum,

Knowing that he might also have learned that he is not a good lover if he can't make me cum.

So over time sex became something I kind of avoided so I would not have to face my perceived inadequacy or the disappointment of my partner.

I genuinely believed something was wrong with me as a woman.

But once I started to actually dig deeper into why I didn't like sex and why it was impossible for me to orgasm during it,

I learned a lot of mind-blowing facts that changed how I see myself,

Not just in sex and relationships but also in life.

Here are the things that I wish I learned as a teenager.

First,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

No matter how your genitals look,

How easy or difficult it is for you to orgasm,

What turns you on and what turns you off,

How often or rarely you want sex,

It is all completely normal.

The moment I truly understood this,

I stopped trying to fix myself.

Learning that I am not the only one to experience what I experienced was the first step for change.

I could accept whatever my experience was and also that it changes over time.

Sometimes I can't get enough sex,

Sometimes I don't care,

Sometimes I have multiple orgasms,

Sometimes I cry during sex,

Sometimes I cannot stop laughing and sometimes I go a long time without any special experience or orgasm at all.

No matter what,

I stopped asking what was wrong with me and instead brought acceptance,

Compassion and curiosity to my experience.

Second,

Orgasm isn't the goal of sex,

In fact there is no goal,

Period.

There are so many things sex can be that it doesn't make any sense to put a goal on it.

Also the reason why we enjoy it can be different for different people and vary from time to time.

For me,

Most of the time it is about connection and intimacy.

Sometimes it is about nervous system regulation or stress release and sometimes it is about wanting to play or try new things.

Whatever it is for you,

Just know that it's okay and also know that it might be different for your partner.

Third,

Men and women differ a lot in how long it takes them to be ready for penetration and what gets them there.

Most men get very excited about genital touch right away and it doesn't take them long to be ready to go.

Women often need 20 plus minutes of full body arousal before penetration feels good,

Though this varies from person to person and day to day.

The reasons for that are both physiological and emotional.

Women have internal erectile tissue too.

The clitoris extends 3 to 4 inches inside the body and swells with blood during arousal,

Creating an internal erection that makes penetration feel much more pleasurable.

Women often love to have attention on their breasts first.

Going straight to genitals keeps the necessary activation of the nerve pathways that run through the entire body and connect to the clitoris.

It also bypasses the heartworm connection that creates the emotional safety needed for true opening.

The body literally isn't ready yet,

The network hasn't been activated.

Learning about all this somehow gave me permission to go at my own pace.

At the beginning I was sneaky,

Postponing by distracting.

But soon I started to speak up and say that I'm not ready yet.

And all of this changed my experience.

My body started trusting me when I finally listened and opened up in ways I didn't know were possible.

I was finally taking care of myself.

And this doesn't mean we cannot have quickies anymore,

I still enjoy them,

But it's a choice now.

Fourth,

Being wet does not equal ready for sex and vice versa.

For most of my life I assumed that being wet means I was ready for sex.

It seemed so obvious,

Of course these two things went together.

But learning that being wet and real,

Full body arousal are separate things,

Changed my perception of myself and my experiences a lot.

Many things clicked,

I reflected on all the times where I and my partner both believed my body wanted it,

But then it just felt wrong.

I also remember times where I really wanted to have sex but I had to use lube so it doesn't hurt.

I used to feel broken because of this disconnect,

Why would my mind want sex but my body not cooperate?

Now I understand,

Arousal starts in my brain and sometimes my body needs more time or help to catch up.

Using lube isn't a failure,

It's just bridging the gap.

Being wet is simply a physiological response to sexually relevant stimuli.

Your genitals recognizing this is a sexual situation,

Not saying I want this.

Fifth,

We all have breaks and accelerators that determine how much we want to have sex and how much we can enjoy it.

For some people,

Stress is a break and for others,

It's an accelerator,

The same goes for porn,

Candlelight,

Nakedness,

The idea of getting caught.

Today I can get turned on by simply seeing a man without a shirt or playing music,

However I used to be a specialist of being in my head,

Always thinking about the things on the to-do list,

I worried about how my body looked,

If I smelled weird,

If my legs are shaved,

If he's going to like it,

If I'm gonna have an orgasm and so on.

And all of these things were hitting my breaks,

Which means even if I was turned on,

These thoughts would make me want to stop.

Because at the end of the day it's an equation,

If the breaks are outweighing the accelerators,

There just can't be any desire.

Think of it like driving,

If your foot is on the brake,

It doesn't matter how hard you press the gas,

You won't move forward.

In order to actually really want and be able to enjoy sex at all,

I stopped trying to force desire and started removing what was blocking it.

I relearned to let go of control and allowed myself to be in the present moment.

I also learned to prioritize pleasure and connection over to-do lists.

And I learned to love myself even when I feel bloated or haven't shaved my legs in a week.

I worked on many emotional fears,

Like the fear of deep connection,

The fear of love and the fear of not being good enough.

And not only did my turn on come back,

My whole experience became so much better.

Because being in the head doesn't only hit the breaks,

It also doesn't let us feel all the great sensations.

6.

There are many different kinds of orgasms,

And orgasm and great sex are not always the same thing.

I went from no orgasm for years to having multiple orgasms at once,

Just by letting go of the idea that a clitoral or G-spot orgasm is the goal and the only two options.

A clitoral orgasm,

While wonderful,

Is essentially a release of built-up tension.

And it's not always the full picture of pleasure.

It's possible to have a clitoral orgasm that feels physically releasing but emotionally empty.

And it's equally possible to have incredibly pleasurable,

Connected sex without any orgasm at all.

And then there are so many other orgasms we can have.

Energy orgasms,

Heart orgasm,

Nipple orgasm,

Full body orgasm,

Emotional orgasm,

Like crying,

Laughing,

Anger,

And the list goes on.

They are often much more subtle,

Last longer,

And can leave us with a feeling of deep connection to ourselves and our partner.

Seventh,

Pleasure is our birthright.

For a long time,

I resisted the idea that pleasure is indeed our birthright.

Part of me believed I didn't deserve it.

And this does not only include sexual pleasure.

It includes the pleasure of feeling my feet in the grass,

The taste of a piece of cake,

And wearing a beautiful piece of clothing.

Very early in life,

I learned that pleasure is something useless,

Unnecessary,

Dangerous to indulge in,

And generally something to be ashamed of.

But the more I let the idea into my life,

The better life became.

And suddenly,

My creativity came back.

I woke up excited for life.

I worshipped the piece of cake I ordered for dessert.

I enjoyed my own touch on my skin,

And I stopped doing things that don't bring me pleasure.

Wearing synthetic fabric that my body hates just because it's cheaper.

Denying myself certain foods because they are not healthy.

Conclusion What began as trying to fix my sex life became learning to trust my body and allow myself to feel alive again.

I am more confident,

Care so much less about what other people think.

My creativity and trust in life are coming back,

And my body starts to trust me again.

Allowing these things to be true for me meant I had to let go of a lot of conditioning that I grew up with.

And writing about it is still scary to me.

This story has been inspired by my own experiences.

Emily Nagrowski's book,

Come As You Are,

As well as my studies of Tantra.