You know what needs to change.
So why do you keep making the same choices?
Hey there,
Friend.
Thanks for hitting play today.
In the previous recording in this series,
We turned toward the current identity.
We looked at the habits,
Patterns,
Choices,
And parts of ourselves that are still making decisions for us without us even realizing it.
Because ultimately we can't shift what we refuse to see.
And if we want to return to a truer version of ourselves,
We must honestly examine who we have been.
So if you went through that recording and did all that work there,
I want to acknowledge you for that.
There was a lot there.
For today.
We're taking this a little deeper.
To see why this old identity formed in the first place.
How it has kept us safe.
And how we can connect with it so we can offer it some compassion.
So here's the question.
I'd like you to hold as you move through this session.
What if you're old self,
You've been trying to change?
With never the enemy.
Only protection.
We tend to think that the hardest part of changing our lives is knowing the so-called right things to do.
But in actuality.
.
.
It's recognizing who's still making the choices.
And not making the same choices we've always had.
Consciously.
You know what you want to change.
You understand the patterns that trip you up.
Most likely.
And you might even have a sincere plan for changing them.
Yet something in you keeps making the same old familiar choices.
You stay quiet when you want to speak,
Wait when you want to begin,
Or keep thinking when you already know enough to begin taking action.
That part of you is the part to become conscious of.
Because it's trying to protect you.
The old self is the part of our current identity that we've built to survive.
It helps us avoid rejection,
Disappointment,
Shame,
Or uncertainty.
It learned what helps us fit in,
Belong,
And reduces the chances of being hurt.
The old self feels safe in your body because it's known and familiar.
Even when that part of you is hindering your life now,
There was a time when being that way helped you remain functional or get through a hard season without falling apart.
That's critical to acknowledge.
Don't overlook it.
This is how we can inadvertently keep the old self in place,
By turning away from it in disdain or shame,
Or by avoiding the pain that still lingers from the past.
But the first step in releasing the old self is to acknowledge and understand what it was protecting you from in the first place.
Because when you truly try to understand something,
Whether it's another person or in this case a deeper part of yourself,
Compassion is what comes out the other end.
So the old self doesn't need to be tossed away,
It only has to be understood.
So it can stop replaying the story that says,
This is how I was,
And that means something fatal about me.
Instead,
You see it for what it was.
Nervous system protection.
Something you learned and embodied to help you keep moving forward in your life.
So to understand the old self and why we became that version in the first place,
We can begin looking at three main sources.
We became to remain safe.
Who we became to be loved.
We became to remain in control.
So for the self you became to remain safe,
Perhaps you learned to be likable.
To stay quiet.
To avoid risk.
To wait until you've felt the utmost certainty.
Maybe you became smaller,
Because small once felt safer.
But protection like this can also look like extreme independence,
Constant achievement,
Or always being the so-called capable one.
Ironically,
The person who hide.
.
.
And the person who never stops striving may be trying to solve the same problem.
How do I keep myself safe?
For the self you became to be loved?
Maybe some part of you learned that love was conditional.
So you became easy to be around.
You hid your needs,
Abandoned your desires.
Or made yourself agreeable enough to belong.
Maybe you felt you had to be cool,
Laid back,
Funny,
Popular,
Or low-maintenance.
Because being yourself carried the risk of losing someone's approval.
And for the self you became to stay in control.
This is the identity when trust feels unsafe.
We overthink,
Obsessively plan,
Try to perfect everything,
Guard our emotions.
We need everything figured out before we commit.
But that need to predict every turn and knowing what to expect helps the old self feel safe when the unknown feels scary.
So I invite you to turn all three of these inquiries inward.
What did you become to remain safe?
To be loved.
And to stay in control.
This question isn't about picking yourself apart or analyzing every traumatic event from your past.
It's asking you to look at your old self squarely.
Gently.
With curiosity.
And try to understand it a little more than you have before.
Instead of judging it.
The part of you that stayed invisible,
Pleased everyone,
Chased control,
Endlessly achieved refused to need anyone,
Or adapted your behavior in any other way,
Was protecting you.
Can you acknowledge that?
Can you hold that version of yourself with care and offer it compassion?
If you can,
Take a few slow breaths right now.
And bring your attention into your body.
Let these different versions of your old self come to mind.
And if it helps,
You might imagine them around you.
Just close enough to be seen and acknowledged.
When I do this myself,
I keep my gaze soft.
And pointed outward.
And I see if I can let the different versions of my old self gather in the space around me.
Just above my eye line.
I'm not reaching for them.
I'm only looking at who shows up.
So I invite you to do the same.
Call these old parts in.
Welcome them into your space.
And once you can sense them,
Begin reflecting on those three main sources.
Who did I become?
To remain safe.
Who did I become?
To be loved.
And who did I become?
To stay in control.
There's a version of you standing in each of those three.
So let them cake up a little space.
Each one deserves to be looked at with some care.
Because your system was doing exactly what it was meant to do.
See if you can acknowledge each of them.
Without trying to change anything.
Just let the old self speak.
And one thing you might find helpful in this process,
As a way to help release and work through some of the feelings that might arise,
Is to write a letter from your old self.
To your present day self.
So you can truly get in touch with what it has been protecting you from.
And when you write that letter,
Let the old self tell you what it has been afraid of.
The fears you've known were there.
Or perhaps didn't want to face?
Let it tell you squarely.
What it has been protecting you from.
What it believes would happen if it stopped doing its job.
Ask it what it needs now.
And how it wants you to be with it.
What does it need from you in order to feel safe enough to loosen its protective grip?
Just give the old self room to explain itself.
Without correcting it,
Judging it,
Or arguing with it.
And don't worry about grammar,
Logic,
Or making the letters sound insightful.
Let it pour out as a stream of consciousness onto the page.
No filter.
And let the old self occupy some space and finally be heard.
And when you do,
When you understand how the old self was protecting you,
Don't forget to thank it.
Thank this version of yourself for doing its best to keep you safe.
And see if you can find one thing you're grateful for that came out of it from protecting you.
I bet you can find more than one.
Perhaps it made you resourceful,
Patient.
Resilient.
Or more sensitive to what others are going through.
Maybe it made you better at your work.
Maybe it helped you navigate life's ups and downs.
Maybe it kept you away from people who weren't kind.
Or gave you stability when life was chaotic.
Thank it in whatever way feels natural and true.
You might say to it,
I appreciate you for having my back.
I appreciate you for taking care of me.
Thank you for doing the best you could with what you knew.
That older version of you was never bad.
It helped you get here and you don't need to fight it or discard it.
You can understand why it formed.
Thank it for what it gave you.
And let it know.
That it no longer needs to lead.
The next chapter of your life.
