Can Unconditional Love Lead To Breakup?

Join us for this discussion about the nature of unconditional love. Can it lead to a breakup or divorce? What does an enlightened divorce look like? Dive into the nature of unconditional love. Bring your questions, your conflicts, and your doubts, offer them, and let us grow together.

Transcript

So welcome we're going to start with a very short ceremony so make sure that you won't be disturbed for the next few minutes close the door open the window sit comfortably on your seat let's take a deep breath in and let it go let us close our eyes and take another deep breath in the next breath in we keep in we don't breathe out and slowly breathe out let go let go of everything that is not of use for you right now all the things that already happened and all the things that may have that allow yourself to relax in whatever is happening right now make sure your body mind and spirit are aligned this intention today to develop revolves i'm aware of all the people that taking part in this circle right now that are here with this same intention and with a smile take another deep breath in you already you can open your eyes so welcome everyone this beautiful opportunity we give ourselves every week stop the rush take a deep breath and remind ourselves who we are and what is most important to us we are all human beings supporting each other on our path towards an open heart and a willing soul and driven forward by this tension that hides between the question and the answer opportunity to contribute to this journey by asking your question laying it down your doubts your fears your inhibitions your everything that you feel stands between you and an awakened consciousness this is how you take part in this journey and this is why you are here now and the excuse we gave ourselves to meet today was to discuss this question can unconditional love lead to separation so i'm going to just start with a very brief prologue and then i'm going to leave the stage for your questions we discussed unconditional love what does unconditional love mean it mean loves that has no boundaries has no conditions has no conditions i will love you but only if a b and c whether these conditions are conscious or unconscious right there is i who loves you and that duality creates relationship this relationship is always held in the context of give and take what i get and what i give and making sure that these are at least balanced if not to my favor right so unconditional love is love with no boundaries no conditions so the question came so the question came can unconditional love lead to separation is that because if we love unconditionally then why should we separate right what's the point separation must be a sign of love dying isn't it so this is what we are going to discuss and i'm happy for your questions bj is asking please explain separation there are two context for separation first is the existential experience of being separated or another name for that sense is ego i as opposed to the rest of you i as opposed to life there is the i that meets life experience life negotiate with life that i is conceived to be separated than the experience it has that is the illusion of separation and there is the separation on the relationship level which means basically we've been together we shared our lives we shared our path and now we decide or one of us decides to continue on its journey alone separated from the team that we used to be we used to be so there are two ways to look at it you have any questions i think separation is maybe the key to this this whole topic question of if unconditional love can lead to a breakup or divorce do you think that if it's true that unconditional love can lead to but or maybe that's not quite the right way to say it that unconditional love continues to flow within a breakup or divorce that that illusion of separation is still just an illusion the illusion of separation will continue to be an illusion regardless of your marital status regardless of anything that you do any relationship that you have it's a very it's the very existential identification as oneself whether you feel separated from life or you feel connected to life a part of life an extension of life as long as you don't know that to be your existential truth i am life you experience life through this separated lens and that reflects through anything that you experience the relationship included so let's go back to the question can unconditional love lead to separation or is it only a case of love dying first of all it's important it's important for me to say that as your consciousness expands it realizes that it can hold any possibility it's never this or that this is important to realize everything is included that's the definition of love everything is included nothing is excluded from love there is no boundary there's no true boundary to love only the boundaries that we put because we believe that our love is limited our resources are limited when that happens when we experience life through the lens of separation then you are not connected to the bounty the wealth which is life so you have to be dependent on life so you have to be dependent on your limited resources then you put a boundary and you say no no no this is as much as i can give or as much as i'm willing to accept from there forwards i'm i'm not willing to accept this is beyond my reach beyond my limits it's unacceptable so unconditional love or an expanded consciousness doesn't matter how you choose to call it must include all possibilities what are the possibilities you can stay in a relationship because of love you can stay in a relationship because of fear you can leave a relationship because of love you can leave a relationship because of fear these are the four possibilities all of them are possible all of them are included in love in an expanded consciousness so 25 percent of the possibilities is living because of love of course in reality it's almost never the case the vast majority of people leave the relationship because of fear not because of love people break up because they are afraid to stay together they are afraid of what they are missing out out there they are still relentlessly chasing a dream of like a promise of being loved being happy with somebody else some other provider that might be able to fill in fill up the hole inside me me oh they are afraid to stay because it's not comfortable it's not pleasant i feel depleted all that no but they're afraid to be seen over there afraid to be seen yeah intimacy is huge threat for people who are ashamed of themselves right the closer the relationship is the greater the threat of being exposed and people realizing who i really am i can't play the successful happy desirable image that i believe i should play in order to receive the love that i deserve that i need because deep inside i know that i'm not worthy of that i have to play another part right so when it's too intimate i what i do i run away even people are afraid to be seen you see there is million types of fears reasons for people to leave the relationship but can unconditional love lead to a breakup the answer is yes it's one of the possibilities so i guess there's uh so aj saying any separation is separating from oneness now yeah but it's only an illusion so i guess there's a difference between the question can unconditional love lead to a breakup and can unconditional love lead to separation nothing can lead to separation it's an illusion nothing can separate the wave from the ocean nothing try to separate the wave from the ocean can you do that can you separate a wave from the ocean so this is where language sometimes trips us up and semantics are important because we're interchanging the words breakup and separation we're using them synonymously okay so let's for the sake of this discussion leave the possibility of existential separation aside because it's an illusion it cannot happen you cannot be separated you can just forget that you are connected yes you can but that's why we call it awakening because you then wake up from that illusion from that dream to realize that the essence of your existence is an extension of reality and it cannot be separated from it so let's leave that aside and when we talk about separation we're talking about the level of relationship okay me and you used to be together and now we are apart agreed does self-love equal ego only ego what is our role in unconditional love for ourselves unconditional love knows no boundaries not even the boundary between you and me it's the same i love you just as i love me as it says in the bible love thy neighbor as you love yourself right you and i are the same there is no difference it's like a tree asking him should i love that branch more than i love this branch should you love your left arm more than you love your right arm it's it doesn't have any meaning you and the other are exactly the same exactly the same okay what does self-love mean it's a self that is awakened to its true nature which is love it's not me choosing to love myself because it's the spiritual thing to do oh you know you know the intelligent thing to do or the recommended thing to do it's me waking up to my nature which is love but the essence of the self is love so self-love is just synonymous to an awakened consciousness when that is not the case and you don't experience self-love what do you do you go and demand other people to love you instead right that's why we are motivated to have a relationship to begin with we don't believe we have it so we go and try to beg other people to give us that other people to give us that gracefully or ungracefully whatever it takes we beg other people to give that to us it's like a beggar you know asking for a quarter while sitting on a mountain of gold coins but completely oblivious to it because he's so concentrated on the one quarter that he has in his head oh even more the lack of quarters that he has in his head hoping that maybe by the end of the day there will be more quarters there yeah so don't bother too much to love yourself just wake up to realize who you are otherwise it will always be artificial me choosing to love myself because it's the spiritual thing to do so if we are the this awake person who knows who has woken up to realize who they are then and we're in a in a relationship then the the theory your theory here stands goes that we can withstand any anything that comes our way so in that circumstance it really doesn't matter who we're with or what the circumstance or what the circumstance is that we find ourselves in the situation so what leads us to break up what's what's the difference excellent question love does it can happen love naturally flows apart on the person that we were a couple with it's not because we stopped loving him or her it's not because we are bitter and frustrated and disappointed it's not because we are afraid of not gaining something that's way it waits for us on the other side or or we are afraid of you know losing something if we stay it's not fear that guides us love guides us but away from the person that we are holding hands with right now it can happen we have to take a step back and assess the situation honestly most of us are handling our relationships because of fear most of us choose to be in a relationship because of fear because of lack because of sense of need I need stability I need somebody to hug me at night I need a constant supply of love I need a constant supply of um assurance of of uh how do you say yeah reassurance that I'm good enough validation validation that I'm worthy I don't have that I need that right so I'm connected to somebody who's promising to supply that and of course in return I supply whatever they need right so two egos are meeting negotiating and deciding to stay together why because of fear that's the motivation a sense of lack truly think about it of course there is infatuation right to begin with that's what that's nature's trick to help us connect to begin with otherwise why two sane people would choose to give up their shields and be exposed in that intimate way I mean you must be crazy to do that right so that's why nature developed infatuation what what infatuation does it blinds us it's like a drug you don't think clearly so three weeks later you wake up to realize or three months that you're actually now a part of a relationship with somebody and you start negotiating okay how much I give how much I take and you create some kind of vessel that can hold both of you right but that vessel was built because of fear that's the vast majority of cases okay so now what happens you grow together on the path bonded by fear and of course by love but mostly by fear yeah and as you grow on the path you develop that sense of who I am as unconditional love and you might wake up to realize that that realization takes you away from the partner that you chose to hold hands with not because that partner is limiting you in any way but because the flow of love that flows through you goes in a different direction than where they are heading it can happen and again how do you know that what guides you in a separated path is love and not fear it's the same answer to all those questions are you choosing because you are afraid you are contracted you are rejecting you are arguing with life or are you acting because your heart is expanding opening softening there is no fear guiding your decisions anymore and if you're honest and sensitive the answer to this question is immediate and extremely clear it's not complicated at all we overcomplicate it with many ideas and concepts but your body knows is it contracted is there frustration anger disappointment bitterness hate violence there expressing itself or is it an open heart that only loves unconditionally but in a different direction only you can know but you have to be honest and brave looking at the mirror but what do you say aj is asking how do you define love in a relationship not spiritually in a relationship love is seldom found but in moments of grace when you you meet your partner and there is no preconception no ideas about who she might be who she should be what do i expect out of her out of her there are no conditions whatsoever you just love her for existing there in a body in a form in front of you that's it you just love the fact that she's there then you love in a relationship context it's not happening a lot honestly most of the time when we meet our partner there's a history of ideas about who she should be and what she's done and all the frustration and anger and the disappointment the bitterness the promise that you came with to provide what i have and you broke our agreement what the hell you promised me to whatever love me and what i mean if you look at it deeply what what is the ultimate promise that we are all longing for craving for craving for unconditionally right that's what we are longing for unconditional love and and funny enough that's the only reason that we should stay together but when we are unconditional love those condition drops we are longing to find in other people's eyes what is our very nature you see that irony of life do you think it's easier to see unconditional love in your in your partner than to be that expression yourself no it's not easier to see because in vast majority of cases what you see in other people's eyes is their expectations and their disappointments their preconditioning their ego longing to be unconditionally loved like you right it's not easy to find that in your partner at all but you also see the very unique relationship that you can have with someone and not find expectations in their eyes is the relationship that you have with your d that's a unique relationship in that sense because the guru has no expectations guru is an expression of unconditional love so if you feel expectations there if you feel need if you feel want if you feel conditioning it's because of you it's your condition only reflected in his eyes that's why such a relationship is so important in the life of the spiritual seeker of course you have to find the right guru for you and the more clear the reflection is the more quick your development is if you're honest and truth truthful you're asking i would say that that's true for any relationship that you have it's just a matter of the clarity of the reflection so you so often we do look at other people and we project our own insecurities and our own lack of self-worth and our own objectives and wants and needs onto that other person in a way that where we we see those things like as if they're being reflected back on to us yeah it has a name rejection in in in psychology right but you have to realize that one what is projected back on you is not just your own yeah self-doubt but the doubt of the other person as well right so the image where the daughters become muddy exactly so the exactly so the image that you see is murky the image that you see with the eyes of your guru is crystal clear there is only one ego playing there and that's your ego right so that's why that relationship is so valuable because if you're interested in growing quickly on the path that image is being reflected all the time what you find in the in the eyes of your master is only unconditional yes how do you yeah okay sorry this is now your job so i can't see anyway neil says i met a beautiful couple who came to an agreement some years ago that if ever there is a point when either wishes the other would change or be different then they would discontinue or question continuing the relationship i thought that was very healthy yeah i used to work with couples you know and usually on the first session i tell the couple don't base your relationship on the hope that the other person will change you know he has so much potential i know he can be different that's why i hold on to him don't people will not change to please you it's only cosmetics deep inside people are what they are of course they grow on their path but in their own pace in their own pace and not to please you either you love your partner as it is for what he or she is or you don't you don't love an idea about what it can be or should be it's not a healthy way to establish a relationship sure but i would say if that point in relationship comes where how do you say it it wishes the other would change the immediate solution doesn't it the immediate solution is not necessarily to separate right it it can be you waking up to realize that you put condition on your love now and you choose to drop that condition and come back to your to the relationship to embrace your partner where they are as they are there is a definitely a value of people choosing to share their life and walk the path together they build a bond in that way that it definitely is valuable and don't be trigger happy to throw that away just because you have an idea about you know and no no it should be different you are in my way of separate of spiritual growth you stand in my way your boundary nothing is a boundary to your spiritual growth if there is anything that bound you is only your ideas and opinions three conceptions that's it nothing in your physical reality binds you with the exception you know there is a star the sacristy of life itself if your life is in danger you do whatever you need to do to defend you do whatever you need to do to defend to it to remain alive and healthy as much as possible aj is saying so a bad marriage is simply a spiritual lesson on unconditional love define bad marriage bad marriage lesson on unconditional love don't don't don't put those tags on your reality good and bad it's not helping life is not good and life is not bad life happens your intellect try to differentiate between scenarios this is good this is bad I remember the story of garden of eden huh this should be always in the back of your head refrain from eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and bad you don't know you don't know don't worry about it put your focus on expanding your heart to the present moment that's the only thing that you care about michelle says one person's bad is another person's heaven yeah so what do you what is one to think or do if they find themselves in a relationship where the other person is not able to or is not aware of how to love unconditionally unconditional love has only needs only one to tango it's you the fountain is flowing now animals can come and drink all the water can flow to the ocean whatever but the fountain is flowing do you see what i'm saying don't limit yourself to believe that only when my partner understands only when my partner changes only when my partners allows me to do this or that because once you convince yourself that this is your truth it becomes your truth right reality adjusts itself to to meet your story and it will become a boundary why because that's your story that's what you keep telling yourself the truth is nothing it bounds your spiritual growth nothing you can be locked in prison and your consciousness can be free have nothing to do with the physical reality or the relationships that you are maintaining that's the truth that's the reality unconditional love can flow in all directions some of them are happy some of them are sad some of them are meeting your plans and expectations some of them contradict them altogether doesn't matter if you stay truthful honest you allow the flow to flow naturally out of your own being and embrace that flow and the consequences of that flow and you know that you are on the right track when your heart stays open and soft and you are not contracted you are not fearful that's it what do you say what prevents unconditional love conditions ideas ideas about what's going on what's going on ideas about what's good what's bad what's beneficial what is how you should behave what kind of person you should be ideas concepts those create boundaries unconditional love cannot flow because there are conditions unconditional love cannot flow because there are conditions so what to do remove those conditions one by one you're supposed to be somebody else is it true can i absolutely know that you're supposed to be somebody else when i believe that you're supposed to be somebody else do i feel open soft or contracted and closed can i unconditionally love you when i believe you should be somebody else what is more important to me to persuade you that you should be somebody else so i can be happy or to stay open and close open and soft so what is more important to me you actually said open and close which is not a bad open and close what else aj says will ego ever allow for unconditional love no ego will never allow that so it's rocketed again if ego allows it it's artificial it's like me choosing to love myself who's choosing what to love what who is that that's the ego right i should love myself why because it's the spiritual thing to do it's the right thing to do it will help me progress and who wants to progress well that's a joke the ego cannot allow unconditional love ego should rest unconditional love will flow don't try to kill your ego your ego cannot hang itself that's unfortunately not a possibility you just need to wake up from that illusion how by coming back to the present moment again and again and open your heart to the present moment again and again and again the present moment is you jazz asking how do we stay present despite an upcoming divorce so hard to separate all of it all yeah sometimes life can be very painful what do you do you experience the pain sometimes life can be very sad how what do you do you cry you embrace the pain you embrace sadness it's a part of life it's a part of life not always things happen according to what you believe should happen must happen why in order for you to be happy no this is just an idea life happens on their own accord regardless of your expectations of it thank the lord literally so when it's painful what do you do you are hurt when it's sad what do you do you cry why because you're human it's a part of the deal and then when life is pleasurable you embrace that and when life is happy you rejoice yeah don't try to avoid the pain it's pointless it's going to be painful anyway but you're going to suffer on top of the pain avoiding the pain creates trauma avoiding the experience of what is is the definition of trauma when it's painful embrace it dive deep into the pain it's not too much you can do it then you come up on the other side available to experience the next thing the next thing the next thing michelle said how do you overpower the ego to live in unconditional love you don't you can't don't put too much attention on the ego what you put attention on grows don't fight the ego it's just giving it small energy anyway it's you it's pointless it's like trying to to scare away a mirage you know if if anybody on this is uh knows the canadian childhood storyteller robert munch it reminds me of that book he wrote called the boy in the drawer so the girl had had this little boy living in her sock drawer she kept telling him like go away you you're not wanted here and then he kept growing and growing until he was he was so big he was taking up you know like the whole kitchen and then one day she gave him a kiss for some reason i don't i can't remember exactly how it went and then he shrunk and then she kept loving him until he went disappeared like a bubble of soap that's your ego don't try to kill it if you try to kill it it will go don't try to promote it the ego is not your enemy and it's not your friend because the ego is not it's not a thing it's an illusion don't worry about it come back to your heart open it that's the only thing you should be worried about keeping it open embracing life and everything it has to offer pleasant or unpleasant happy or sad what do you say deb says i'm leaving a 25 year relationship it is awful the kids are so sad it was abusive so i know i will be happier in the end how do i cope with all the hate my ex feels towards me just so many so many court applications to deal with and i just want to heal the kids so the best way to heal your surrounding is to be healed yourself you don't carry regret you don't carry remorse you don't carry the idea that it should have been different don't carry that baggage if these are ideas reality is stronger refer reality over your ideas and yes sometimes reality is painful and it's inevitable but you know that you can only do the best you can and this is what you do the best of your knowledge the best of your capacity at this moment this is what you do how to deal with someone's hate know that hate is poison when somebody is hateful they pump poison into their own blood system when you are hateful you pump poison into your blood system and if somebody's hateful to you you meet that this person is in pain is suffering is suffering so what do you do when you encounter suffering you have compassion that's it you don't blame you don't try to fight against it or you know run away you just have compassion experience your pain is my pain that's it just be compassionate Michelle says hate is often misguided love yes hate it's funny how two people that used to love each other suddenly becomes enemies and hate enemies and hate each other but in essence hate is the opposite of love hate is the emotional pinnacle of the ego me me what you did to me me me like a survival mechanism yeah I hate you for what you did to me that me me I I is so dominant it blinds you you don't see anything else compassion allows you to meet the other person beyond your own selfish selfish charisma prison prison yeah so don't be afraid of the intensity of that emotion be there be compassionate it's not too much you can take it like Jesus said no when somebody slaps you you embrace that and offer the other cheek it's not too much you can take it Char says if I might offer finding acceptance within gratitude and meeting yourself in every moment with gentle kindness nice nicely said gentle kindness graceful okay enough for today or is there any other question so can unconditional love lead to separation divorce anything is possible unconditional love cannot lead to separation semantics are important just to separate our paths okay okay that's also an illusion I would I would counter I mean maybe physically yeah talking on the physical level yes because you maybe live in different places or you physically move away from each other but your heart stays open and your door stays open and you don't carry that emotional baggage of what you did to me I'm so disappointed I'm so bitter you promised me and then you let me down so your unconditional love can lead you to break up and divorce but not to a separated and closed down heart nothing should not divorce not separation nothing can affect your choice to stay open and soft with a full heart and a willing soul nothing it's only you and your ideas and your fears you're avoiding your sense of separation only you there's nobody on the planet no scenario that life on the planet no scenario that life can suggest that would force you to close your heart that's only an illusion it's you choosing to remain open that's it great Jay Gurudev we'll meet again follow us to make sure that you are signed up for our next meeting I don't know exactly when will it be but we'll announce it shortly and bring a friend let's make this sanity a pandemic good night and good morning wherever you are bye-bye

Reviews

Very interesting talk, and thank you. The analogy of the beggar unaware that he's sitting on a mountain of gold coins helped me to understand our true nature, and it is not ego based. Feel a bit freer, lighter, knowing this. Few months fear based post breakup and new things to think about myself, and her, and the mood or feel I want to bring to any future conversations we have.