I was talking to a friend the other day about a city I had recently visited,
And she immediately interrupted me mid-sentence and said,
You are mispronouncing the name of that city.
And there was a split-second decision to be made.
I could either argue with her,
And believe me,
Part of me wanted to do exactly that,
Or I could choose peace instead.
Prioritizing inner peace means diligently and consistently overriding the ego's desire to prove itself superior.
Just think of an argument you recently had with someone?
Would you have even argued with them if you had simply chosen to prioritize peace?
If your answer is,
But they were wrong and I was right,
Keep in mind that,
According to the Buddha,
There has never been and there never will be any person who is completely blameworthy nor praiseworthy,
Which is to say,
We are all flawed,
We all make mistakes.
I still don't know which one of us pronounces the name of that city correctly,
But I'm glad we didn't argue about it.
This method of prioritizing peace can be used to reduce or eliminate all arguments.
When I first moved to the United States in my first year of high school and didn't speak a word of English,
I really appreciated all the help I could get with the pronunciation of words.
So,
I'm not talking about the role of a teacher at school or a parent at home of young children who need direction and correction.
I'm talking about every social conflict caused by delusional individuals who believe they are right and therefore superior to anyone who disagrees with them.
So,
To steer clear of falling into that tempting delusion,
My personal mantra is a phrase that you have heard me say multiple times over the years.
The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain.
So,
I don't argue with anyone about anything,
I just listen.
But it wasn't always like that.
Throughout life,
I suspect we have all had our parents,
Teachers,
Preachers,
Spouses,
Employers,
And even friends criticize our attitude with the phrase,
Watch your tone.
It's not what you say,
It's how you say it.
And for many years,
I thought changing my tone meant sugarcoating my words,
But that's not it.
At Buddhist monasteries all over the world,
Verbal communication is often kept to a minimum.
Chatter is replaced by the striking of gongs that are tuned to produce a unique tone and vibration similar to the sound of chanting Aum,
Or perhaps the chant is meant to reproduce the sound of the gong.
Either way,
Gentle tone wakes us up,
It tells time,
It marks the beginning and end of meals and meditations,
And the calming tone is designed to quiet the ego and bring the mind back to the present moment from wherever it wandered.
Buddhist scripture offers various ways to practice mindful speech.
The practice includes abstaining from spreading gossip or rumors,
And never saying anything that is divisive,
Slanderous,
Deceitful,
Untrue,
Cruel,
Or abusive.
Learn the tactful art of being honest without being brutal,
And I've even practiced imagining three security gates in my throat with guards at each one that only allow words to pass my lips if they are true,
Necessary,
And kind.
I was taught to pause before speaking and ask myself,
Does what I'm about to say need to be said?
Does it need to be said right now?
And does it need to be said by me?
In the words of Wayne Dyer,
Do you want to be right or do you want to be kind?
Even saying to someone,
I disagree with you,
Is combative and therefore creates friction.
But if you're worried that keeping your counter-argument quiet would be perceived as your agreement with an opposing viewpoint,
And you want to keep the peace but can't resist the urge to present another perspective.
It's okay to make up a story and offer your perspective as that of someone who isn't in the room.
For example,
If someone in a gathering makes hateful remarks about a marginalized group of people,
And everyone else in the room either agrees with them or just laughs along,
But you can't keep quiet or speak your truth while watching their tone,
Make up an individual to make your point for you.
Something along the lines of,
My neighbor's kid actually just married someone from that minority group,
And it turns out that nobody in their family fits the typical stereotypes.
This way,
You plant the seed without starting a war.
Even if the other person gets defensive or upset,
It's not with you,
And peace is maintained.
After all,
You can only lead people to knowledge,
You can't make them think.
Whenever I feel the urge to argue with someone,
I now hear a loud gong in my head and I wonder,
How do I practice mindful speech in this moment?
What would happen if I choose not to argue.
And when I ask myself if it's possible that I'm wrong,
The answer is,
Of course.
I mean,
My thinking has been flawed by broken logic before,
So of course it's possible.
And that's when something else the Buddha said keeps me silent.
Comes from no longer trying to convince anyone of anything.
Namaste.
