When you try to figure out why people do what they do,
Whether it's why they choose to live or work where they do,
The way they vote,
Spend their money,
Who they marry,
And even why they have kids,
Instead of trying to make sense of people's logic,
Good luck with that,
Your precious energy is better invested in understanding how powerful fear can be in influencing our decisions.
As long as we are sufficiently scared of one option,
Fear is usually more than enough reason and motivation for most of us to decide on something else.
People choose dysfunctional relationships because they are scared to be alone,
For example.
My online survey asking why people had kids got almost 10,
000 responses,
With over 65% of parents saying they had kids because they are scared of having nobody to care for them when they are old.
Some even went as far as to admit they had multiple kids in case one bails on them.
Fear is even driving one of my best friends to choose a career path that makes the most money rather than the one that would bring him the most joy.
Fear can divide and separate us as it has since the beginning of time,
And although fear is a natural and healthy response to true danger,
It quickly turns destructive or paralyzing if it is either excessive or when fear becomes the default reaction to every perceived threat,
Including those that don't pose any real risk.
Fear is a lot like my smoke detector at home.
I am glad it's there,
But it usually beeps when I cook or take a hot shower,
Not because the house is actually in flames.
While it's important not to ignore the beeping,
It is also imperative not to hysterically run screaming every time the alarm goes off.
Buddhism,
As always,
Suggests discernment and skillful means to pause and then find the calm middle path between catastrophizing and apathy.
When people are scared,
They are easy to control.
The church knows it,
Advertising executives capitalize on it,
And those in a position of power use it to their advantage.
As Franklin Roosevelt said,
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Mindfulness,
On the other hand,
Invites us to recognize and acknowledge fear,
But not let it run or ruin our lives.
One of my favorite teachings about overcoming fear is of a monk who went to fight his fear,
But instead of attacking it,
He asked,
How can I beat you?
To which fear responded,
I am much bigger than you.
I will rush at you,
Try to crush you,
Prey on your weaknesses,
And be very persuasive and convincing.
But if you don't listen to me or do what I say,
I have absolutely no power over you.
While unpacking this topic at our monthly discussion group,
Someone pointed out the difference that I talk about in all my books between feelings and emotions,
And how important it is to remember the distinction between the feeling of fear and the emotion of fear.
In short,
A feeling only lasts between 45 seconds and a minute and a half,
Whereas an emotion starts out as a temporary feeling,
But then we get stuck in it because we create an entire story and narrative about it,
Which can last an entire lifetime if we don't keep it in check.
So there's the feeling of fear,
Which comes and goes quite naturally,
And then there's the emotion of fear,
Which can even become part of our identity and default decision-maker in life.
As beautifully expressed in the monk story,
Fear can only limit,
Restrict,
And imprison you if you allow it.
So this episode's tall order is twofold.
One,
Overcome your own fears,
And two,
Have compassion for people who are consumed by their fears.
Next time you are bewildered by why someone does anything,
Keep in mind that they are probably scared and you will immediately have empathy for them instead of judgment.
It makes no sense to be mad at a bird trapped in your house for screeching at you when you try to help her find the way out.
She is scared and doesn't know that you mean well.
I don't blame the bird for being terrified,
Do you?
Fear blinds us to anything beyond our personal desires and aversions,
So when people hear the metaphoric smoke alarm and start running,
Don't blame them for being scared.
It makes sense,
And I suddenly want to console and comfort them,
Not yell at them.
This perspective of keeping fear in the forefront of our minds as a possible motivator for people's actions,
Is capable of transforming all of our misunderstandings into compassionately meeting everyone wherever they currently are on the path.
And if you can't be compassionate towards everyone,
Recognize that as your own shortcoming and homework assignment.
Don't let fear be the reason you choose your path in life.
The Buddha said the path of fearlessness has a much better view.
I'm heading to that path right now,
And I hope to see you there.
