Hi and welcome to today's meditation and also an incredibly powerful tool.
My name is Rich Moore and I'm going to walk you through this today called separation of tasks.
It actually originates from Adler,
Adlerian psychology,
But I would say it's more of a philosophy or a spiritual way of being,
Much of what he wrote about,
Rather than a psychology per se.
And separation of tasks has been extremely helpful for me in my life and my relationships and very,
Very important and useful for my clients too,
And friends and people I've shared it with.
So I really wish and hope that it's as useful for you in your relationships.
And so separation of tasks,
I'll describe it briefly and then we'll sit in meditation and you'll think about a relationship where you can apply it to.
For example,
Often we get into other people's tasks in a relationship.
We take on their responsibilities when we actually need to step back and allow them to take responsibility.
It's a bit like if we're reading a book,
If we're looking at the book and we're too close to it and our nose is touching the book,
We can't read it.
But also if we're too far away from the book,
Then we can't see the writing and we also can't read it.
And so separation of tasks,
Although it could seem as if we're isolating ourselves,
In fact it's like that book,
We're not too close to the situation and we're not too far away.
We're taking care of our own tasks.
So what do I mean by tasks?
So let's say there is a parent and a child.
Now the parent has tasks as a parent and an adult and a caretaker of that child.
And the child has tasks as a child who's growing up and learning.
And for example,
If the child has homework to do for school,
What are the tasks of the parent?
Well,
And this could be challenging for some people,
And I'm a parent too,
So I feel you on this.
The task of the parent is not to do the homework of the child no matter what.
Not to give them the answers,
Not to force them to do it,
It's for them to give support.
Hey,
I'm here,
I would love to help you with this if you need any help and guidance.
I'm not going to do it for you.
I can give you emotional support as a parent,
I can give you a quiet space,
I can give you food,
Water,
Safety to do this work.
I can maybe share a little bit of knowledge,
Share about my struggles when I did homework or good mindsets to use when doing homework.
I could share those things as a parent,
That's what we can do.
I could talk through if the child's interested in the consequences of what happens if they don't do the homework or the reasons why it's important to do the homework.
But once we've shared those things,
It's about stepping back and it's only if really we're invited.
And obviously this is age dependent on the child.
The child's task is to do the homework or not do the homework,
To listen to you,
Not listen to you.
And maybe they don't do the homework and it means there are consequences and they get in trouble at school and that's their task,
To learn what that's about.
And the problem occurs if the parent does some of the homework for the child,
Pretty much does it for them.
The child hasn't learned,
The child hasn't gone through the struggle and the frustration of not wanting to do the homework.
The child hasn't gone through the challenging consequences of not doing the homework.
And that's where it gets really messy.
The child can then get dependent on on the parent.
And really the parent there,
If it was me,
Sometimes what we can do is we can project.
We can say,
Oh I'm helping the child,
I'm helping this person by doing their task effectively.
What it really is,
Is that I can't detach from that person.
I'm getting too much in their business and I can't allow that person they're in process to fail or to succeed.
And I get too involved and my nose is against the book now and I can't read it.
And it becomes invasive in that situation.
The child doesn't want that or becomes overly dependent on the other person.
And we can transpose this onto other relationships,
Intimate relationships,
Where you try and make your partner get healthy and eat well and exercise.
If you succeed,
Quote-unquote,
You haven't succeeded,
You've forced them,
You've created dependency or resentment,
You've stepped over into their task.
But it's also not about going too far away from the book and with the child not offering them support and going,
Nope,
It's your task,
You do it.
You could still be there in that middle place of reading the book where you can offer that guidance,
That support for the child.
Or if it's your partner who you would like,
You know,
For them to get healthy and fit or whatever,
Well if they show interest you can offer you go for a jog together or whatever.
So it's finding that middle ground.
So separating the tasks so it becomes more clear,
So that each person can learn their own journey and have their own process.
So take a moment just to close your eyes,
Connect with your breath,
Notice your body.
And I want you to think of somebody where you have a complicated relationship,
Where it feels a bit messy,
You know,
You're like,
Am I too involved or am I not involved enough?
More often than not it's people getting too involved.
So think of that person in the relationship you have,
Allow it to come to mind and just notice some of the issues.
And think of one situation you have with that person,
A situation that was challenging,
And start to separate out your tasks.
Be honest with yourself.
Where are you overstepping?
Where are you stepping over into their tasks?
Where are they maybe stepping into your tasks?
Where you could create boundaries?
Where are some other places you could just let them have their own process even if they fail?
Quote-unquote fail.
Allow them,
Rather than being attached and it being too uncomfortable for you,
So you dive in,
You jump in,
You become the savior,
Whereas you're not saving,
You're actually creating dependency or creating resentment.
And where are they doing it with you,
That you can have clarity?
Or maybe you're stepping back too much,
So far you can't read the book and you're isolating yourself.
So just noticing,
Noting those different things now.
And forgiving yourself,
Forgiving them.
You're just trying to meet your own needs and doing it from a place of love.
From a place of love,
Just understanding that now you know,
Have more awareness.
And when you're ready,
Just opening your eyes,
Congratulating yourself on this little win,
Having this new knowledge,
Or if you know it,
Practicing it again.
And just,
I encourage you today,
This evening,
This morning,
Whatever time it is,
And this week,
Over these days,
Just thinking about some relationships,
Thinking about some situations and detaching yourself and looking at the different tasks.
What's my task and what is their task?
And how can we separate those?
And I promise you,
If you do that more and more,
Life and relationships are going to become so much more simple,
Enjoyable and fun.
So,
Adlerian Theory,
Separation of tasks.
Hope it's been helpful.
Good luck in this journey and relationships.
You've got this.
My name's Rich Moore.
Thank you so much for being here today and allowing me to guide you.
I look forward to seeing you in another meditation soon.
Have a great day.
