So if you've been in codependency recovery for a while,
But you're still struggling with feeling hurt and resentful,
Stay with me,
Because what I'm about to share with you changed everything for my clients.
But first,
If you're new,
My name's Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist,
And I love helping people create relationships that work.
So most people think that resentment is something that happens to you.
It's a feeling,
It's a hurt.
But it also actively keeps your codependency alive.
And until you understand this connection,
Nothing in your recovery is gonna truly change.
So if that's you,
And you're still struggling with resentment,
You're not doing it wrong.
You're not a failure in your recovery.
Of the process.
In fact,
It's actually telling you that your recovery is deepening,
Because you're allowing yourself to finally feel resentful.
Because in many cases,
People who struggle with codependency hide their feelings,
And in recovery,
It's a process of starting to feel those emotions,
Sometimes for the first time.
I've been helping clients heal from codependency and resentment for over 20 years,
And I've noticed the same pattern over and over again.
People who work their hardest on their recovery are shocked to realize that they still struggle with resentment.
But today I'm going to explain to you why that happens,
How codependency secretly fuels resentment,
And how to stop that cycle.
So one of the biggest myths I hear is that codependency is really about people-pleasing and what we do for others.
But it's also about what we do to ourselves.
Because in our codependency,
We disconnect from ourselves and our emotional experiences to keep our relationships going.
So we deny how we feel.
Okay when it clearly isn't,
But we don't know another way to be.
It's become our go-to in recovery to be nice,
To be helpful,
To be the peacemaker.
You say yes when you really mean no.
Maybe there are times when you don't even know what you want or you need.
There may be times in your recovery when you do know what you feel,
But you can't express it honestly because you assume it'll cause a problem.
At first,
Our behaviors seem considerate and supportive because let's face it,
If you're codependent,
You have a huge heart and you're a natural giver and we want to preserve that in your recovery process.
But you also need boundaries around that giving or else you're going to drain yourself emotionally and I don't want that for you.
Because eventually in your over giving,
You're going to start to feel uncomfortable.
Every time you ignore your own needs,
Agree with what other people are saying,
Tolerate behavior that doesn't feel okay.
You're basically abandoning your truth.
So instead of expressing that hurt and resentment,
You bury it and you hope that it'll go away on its own or the other person will seek you out and realize that you're hurting.
You might convince yourself by saying,
Oh,
That wasn't a big deal or I shouldn't be so sensitive or I don't want to start a conflict because conflict in recovery is still scary at times.
That's also part of the process.
So what do we do?
We keep over giving.
We get into controlling situations.
We try harder,
But quietly we keep score.
This happened to me so many times in recovery where I felt like I was doing the lion's share of the giving,
Being considerate,
Giving somebody gifts,
Paying for their meals,
Only to wait for them to reciprocate.
And I finally had to realize in my recovery that most people aren't going to reciprocate because they're not going to give me exactly what I give them.
And it's not fair to ask them to.
But in our codependency,
We get stuck in keeping score about how much we're giving because we're overdoing it and hoping that they're going to give the same as we do.
But that doesn't typically happen.
So the more you give,
The more resentful you become.
And you keep trying harder and harder to give and to contribute and to support,
But nothing changes.
That's how codependency fuels resentment.
Expecting others to give what we give but we're not asking for what we need and want and that's where the resentment comes in.
So there's three ways resentment fuels codependency.
The first one is you're constantly waiting for somebody to notice how much you've done.
Oh my god have I done this in my recovery where I give and give I spoil somebody for their birthday and then when my birthday comes along I don't get that much and I get resentful.
Maybe you can relate where you're waiting for someone to notice everything you're doing.
But when they don't notice,
You feel more and more resentful.
The next sign that resentment is fueling your codependency is that you start avoiding the person you resent.
This is super common where it gets harder and harder to pretend everything's okay.
And at some point in your recovery,
You can't do it anymore.
And that's actually a sign of health that you are at the point where you can't pretend anymore.
Those feelings are valid.
And you need to start honoring them.
Now,
Why do we do this?
Mostly because of fear,
False evidence appearing real,
Where we assume a negative outcome even though nothing's happened yet.
And this usually traces back to childhood experiences where there were bad outcomes and we did get hurt.
But in the present moment,
You always want to ask yourself,
Has this ever happened to me in this relationship?
Because if the answer is no,
Then you're most likely operating on fear that false assumption that we really want to get rid of at this point because in our recovery we want to work through our fears.
Now the third sign that resentment is fueling your codependency is that you become irritated over the little things and you don't even recognize yourself anymore because it's no longer about one resentment,
It's about an accumulation of all the times you never spoke up for yourself.
And that's really the root of resentment in codependency recovery is it's not about one single hurt.
It's about years and years of overgiving and never asking for what you want and never being noticed for what you've done well.
All those feelings build over time and create stress and anxiety in the body.
You might notice this where you're furious about something small like the dishes not being done or your adult child not texting you back right away and you have a huge reaction to that.
That tells you that it's not just about what's happening in the moment.
It's about months and even years of unexpressed hurt that is coming to the surface and that's the sign that you're in recovery.
That's not a bad thing and that's a really important sign of recovery that those uncomfortable hurt feelings are surfacing and you're not able to ignore them anymore.
I want you to look at that as growth because it is.
Now the other thing that you might find yourself doing when it comes to resentment in your recovery is wanting to just gloss over it.
I should just get over it.
Let it go.
Go on with my own life because I don't want to bother with it.
But when you can't process your feelings,
They don't heal.
In fact,
They get stuck in the body as stress and I don't want that for you.
Because you can't heal emotions,
You don't allow yourself to feel.
And here's the thing,
Healthy anger isn't the enemy.
It's ignoring or dismissing it.
That's the behavior we want to change in our recovery.
Our feelings give us very valuable information.
Because it's telling you that something isn't okay and you need to address it.
And that's why healing resentments is much more about what we do in our recovery,
Not getting the other person to hear us.
Because that is something we can't control.
You have to acknowledge the hurt.
And here are some ways to do that.
First,
Start noticing when you're saying yes and you mean no.
Just notice it because awareness creates change.
We can't change a behavior if we're not aware of it.
So I want you to do this without judging yourself,
Without making yourself wrong because you're not.
Second,
I want you to ask yourself,
What am I not being honest about?
What am I trying to deny?
Because when we're resentful,
We're really denying our own truth.
And so instead,
I want you to ask yourself,
What do I need right now?
What would help me feel more aligned with my true self?
Because that's part of recovery.
That question can change everything.
So the next thing I want you to do is don't judge yourself when your resentment comes up,
Because we all have them.
Has hurt feelings on occasion.
And that too is part of the recovery process.
But if you judge yourself for feeling it,
You're not gonna wanna deal with it.
And it's gonna be much harder for you to eventually let go of that resentment.
You might ask yourself,
What hurt is underneath this resentment that I need to deal with?
Because you have the power to heal this hurt by yourself.
Recovery is not a cookie cutter approach where it's one size fits all.
You can design what you want for yourself.
Own recovery and I can help you do that.
And I'll see you in the next video.
Thanks for watching.
