I recently turned 31 years old.
But I didn't celebrate my birthday in the way that you might think.
I didn't participate in some elaborate plan.
I didn't throw some extravagant party.
And I didn't drink a bunch of liquor.
My friends threw me a small gathering and we spent time in nature.
But I chose to spend the majority of my day in quiet solitude.
Intentionally reflecting.
Reflecting on the path that's shaped me,
Reflecting on the year behind me,
And reflecting on what I feel called to do.
Upon my birthday reflections this year,
It became glaringly obvious to me how much of my adolescence and twenties were shaped by striving and performance.
There was a sense of hope and drive that propelled me forward,
But it often wasn't grounded in what I now recognize as reality,
With a capital R.
It was largely a mask,
A persona.
It was the part of me that aimed to please the people around me.
The part of me that yearned to be acknowledged and appreciated.
The part of me that placed a heavy emphasis on pleasure and appearance and performance.
And it seems to me that this kind of optimism has its place,
Right,
Especially in our early years.
It serves as this fire that keeps us moving and questioning and growing.
But I began to notice the same fire that fueled me.
Began to create smoke.
My overly optimistic attitude often clouded my ability to see the world clearly.
It distorted reality and obscured the truth,
Especially the more uncomfortable and painful aspects of life.
Mainly I saw the people around me on social media were portraying perfect extravagant lives.
So I attempted to create the same.
To always do more.
To always do better.
And to always be happier.
And on top of that,
My attention was split in so many different directions that I found it difficult to commit to one single task at a time.
I thought I was making progress when I was really just spinning my wheels.
And in this way,
During my early twenties and my mid-twenties,
I ran from responsibility.
I avoided dedicating myself to perfecting a single craft and attempted to live a state of pluripotentiality,
If that's what we want to call it,
Delusionally thinking that I could be anyone and everyone and anything all at once.
And in turn,
I lacked depth,
I lacked substance,
And I was left feeling hollow.
Overall,
I was still an adolescent in an adult body.
As I now enter my early thirties,
I grow increasingly content with myself.
The masks of adolescence are falling away,
And I understand my core values more deeply.
And I can increasingly act on them.
Right?
In this way,
I'm gradually shaping a character rooted in my values.
And I feel more integrated.
I feel more grounded.
I feel more content.
And with this growing contentment,
I find myself sinking more deeply into a personal sense of purpose.
I'm no longer spreading myself thin with all of these distractions and the myriad pleasures of the world.
My focus is narrowing.
And it's not out of restriction,
But it's from a desire to live fully and deliberately.
More and more I'm drawn to depth and sincerity.
And truth.
My roots are growing deeply.
And my branches are reaching higher.
Roots,
Of course,
Thrive in darkness.
As my roots deepen,
I begin to see the darker realities of the world suffering more clearly.
And at the same time my roots offer nourishment to the soil,
Forming a symbiotic relationship with the very darkness of life itself.
I see how my own interests and abilities contribute to healing some of the world's suffering.
And while giving in this way nourishes me,
I find myself thinking less of myself and more about how I can serve and support others.
As my roots settle downward into the darkness,
My branches simultaneously reach upwards towards the light.
They reach towards clarity,
Insight,
And connection.
These branches are becoming wide-reaching,
A wide-reaching canopy that offers shade and fruit and refuge to others along the way.
I am seeking truth.
I am contributing to the world.
And I am truly connecting with life.
As I move into the responsibilities of adulthood,
I can't help but to feel an overwhelming sense of appreciation and gratitude for what's been gifted to me and what's shaped me.
And what I've been called to build thus far.
I've come to realize that life can often be very confusing and painful.
And that's perfectly okay.
Hardships and monotony are equally as important as ease and novelty.
Melancholy and doubt are just as valuable as happiness and vigor.
And loss and longing are equally as meaningful as joy and fulfillment.
And by embracing these dichotomies,
I become more resilient and I become able to carry the weight of life with steadiness and care.
I'm beginning to experience that life isn't about striving or achieving something extraordinary.
But rather appreciating.
The ordinariness.
The warmth of those small conversations with loved ones,
The sight of the sunlight shining through the treetops,
The smell of dew in the early morning.
And amidst the complexity of life's changes,
These are the subtle signals that call me home to a place of peace and presence.
In the upcoming years,
I wish to continue to create from that place of peace and presence.
And I wish to offer those creations as gifts to the world as an act of service.
With every step,
I hope to continue to build meaningful relationships and deeply engaged connections with those around me.
From where I stand,
I witness that as human beings,
We are starving for substance.
We crave presence and gentleness and kindness.
We long for strength and focus and fortitude.
We yearn for intentionality and genuine connection.
So,
As I move forward into my 30s,
I wish to continue to cultivate these qualities so I can truly be the change I wish to see in the world.
Thank you for joining me today in this journal entry.
May you be well.
