Have you ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no?
Or found yourself smiling,
Being agreeable,
Taking care of everybody else's needs.
While somewhere inside you're getting more and more resentful.
What if being the nice one has become something you feel you have to be rather than something you actually choose?
My name is Lillian and I am a somatic therapist trained in core energetics.
In Core Energetics,
We work with something called the mask.
It's the version of ourselves that we present to the world to protect the part of ourselves that we don't want others to see.
We talk about three main masks.
Love,
Serenity,
And power.
And today we'll be talking about the mask of love.
The mask of love is built around the need to appear loving,
Kind,
Agreeable,
And caring,
Even when that doesn't match what we're actually feeling inside.
And like all masks,
There's usually a good reason we learn to do this.
Because maybe growing up you learned that being good,
Helpful,
Or easy to get along with earned you love and approval.
Maybe expressing anger or disagreeing or having your own needs create a conflict.
Or even threatened your sense of connection.
You learn to be nice!
You learn to keep everybody happy and put everyone else's needs before your own.
And those strategies may have helped you maintain connection when you really needed it.
But what happens when being loving becomes something you can no longer put down?
You become the person who says yes to everything,
Even when you're exhausted.
You might find yourself apologizing when you've done nothing wrong,
Or avoiding difficult conversations,
Or feeling responsible for everybody else's feelings.
And sometimes you're doing all of these wonderful and helpful things for people,
But inside you're actually upset.
Because there's a part of you that doesn't want to do it.
Part that wants to say no.
A part that wants someone to consider your needs for once.
But instead of expressing,
You smile and agree and you keep giving.
But at what cost?
How much of yourself are you putting aside to make sure that everyone else is happy?
How much resentment is building because you're saying yes when you really,
You know,
You're saying yes when you really mean no.
And I want to make a very important distinction,
Because being loving isn't the mask,
Being kind,
Generous,
Caring,
All those are beautiful qualities.
The mask is when you feel like you have to present that way,
Even when something very different is happening inside.
Maybe you're angry,
But you're afraid that expressing it will push someone away.
Maybe you disagree,
But you don't want to disappoint anyone.
Or maybe you need someone,
But asking for it feels selfish.
And this is where the mask can begin to limit us,
Because when we're so focused on maintaining connection with everyone else,
We lose connection with ourselves.
And the people around us may never actually get to know what we want or need or how we really feel.
So I want to leave you with a question that I come back to often when working with my clients.
Am I connected to myself right now?
Or am I trying to control how others see me?
Am I connected to myself right now or am I trying to control how others see me?
And maybe we can experiment a little bit right now.
Think of a recent moment when you said yes to something you didn't want to do.
Maybe someone asked you for a favor or you agreed to something because you don't want to disappoint anyone.
Take a moment and just bring that to mind,
Bring that situation to mind.
Now,
Imagine yourself saying no.
Not aggressively or with a long explanation or a list of excuses.
Just a simple and honest note.
When you imagine that there's anything changed in your body,
Maybe your stomach tightens or your throat gets a little closed.
Maybe you feel guilty or nervous.
Or maybe you feel a little relieved.
And what are you afraid might happen if you actually said it?
You don't have to do anything with that information,
Just notice.
The goal isn't to become less loving.
To notice when you feel love is something you have to do to be accepted.
Because you can be loving and have boundaries.
You can care about somebody and still disagree with them.
You can be kind and still be angry.
Because you don't have to abandon yourself to stay connected with yourself.
Thank you so much for watching.
My name is Lillian and I will see you next time.
