Create A Secure Attachment With Yourself (Live 3/17)

How do we figure out what we want and act on it without needing the approval of others? This class explores what we would need to do in order to live a life on our own terms instead of being a chameleon to others approval of us.

Transcript

Let's go ahead and get started because today is one of my favorites and I'll be curious based on the questions that come up for people who've been here a long time or their first time where we'll go with it because how to create a secure attachment with ourselves. For those of you who are familiar with attachment theory it might have a different nuance and for those of you who don't I'm going to give a brief explanation of what we're hoping to do today because most of our patterns and behavior in relationship with other people that we want to change that are causing damage that are impacting our ability to feel healthy in relationships or impacting others ability to have relationship with us can be defined under the term insecure attachment meaning that because we don't feel secure within ourselves we grasp outwards for other people to create safety for us to create calm for us to tell us when we're being acceptable to tell us what our boundaries can or can't be to validate us or invalidate us to praise us to tell us what is right and wrong what is acceptable and not acceptable to tell us what is worthy of love and not worthy of love and the other side of it is we're constantly developing strategies to try to earn the love to earn the affection to earn approval to avoid rejection to avoid abandonment to avoid disapproval criticism contempt judgment and all of these things stem from not having a secure attachment within ourselves so today what I'm hoping to do is this is a really flexible class is we're going to ground into ourselves and have a couple of talking points but after the grounding so I want to give people especially new people might not realize that this is input based to start thinking of some questions they may have or some situations that they may want to go through because this class will be defined based on what people put in based on what's most alive for you so we'll ground we'll talk and then based on what came out of the talk we'll meditate and the meditation will be defined based on a live practice of whatever most people were struggling with or resonated with that we'd like to practice overcoming sound good to everyone then let's go ahead and find a comfortable position close your eyes take a deep deep breath let it out with a sigh take another deep deep breath and let it out as slowly as you can even if it feels a little bit uncomfortable you can't take it anymore take another deep deep breath and breathe out as if you're breathing through a straw now I want you or invite you to bring your awareness to you right now what is going on with you and we're going to scan all of the main points you've got a body how is your body doing that's a big question you might want to ask multiple parts of it how do your toes feel how do your legs feel how's your back lower middle and upper how's your neck and your core is there tension are you holding it tightly or loose how's your chest and your stomach is your breathing slow shallow and fast how's your heartbeat slow and steady or fast and agitated how's your blood pressure do you feel warm and flushed and anxious as your body prepares to handle a threat and how is your mind doing how is your body feeling your mind is a pretty big part of how you feel and what's going on is it calm is it numb is it racing is it racing with fear or problem solving what is happening for you inside of you because in any given moment this is what you are in combination with the experience you're having in this moment all you are is the combination of the sensations thoughts what you can feel see smell and touch and your interpretations of it are but all too often both our interpretations and our decision to live in the past or the future interfere with this who we are right now so with a hopefully a little more focus on the present we're going to find our way out so we can begin our work today you can go ahead and wiggle your fingers and your toes give yourself permission to yawn or stretch when you feel ready go ahead and open your eyes for those of you joined later just a reminder this class will be based on your engagement and whether you've been with me um god at this point i can say whether someone has been with me over a hundred times or you just showed up today i'm inviting everyone to be involved because if you have a question i can just about guarantee someone else has that question and when i get around to posting these someone definitely will in the future so you do it for you and you do it for others and second you'll be better served because i'll customize this class based on what's most alive for people so from this point forward if you have questions or topics you'd like to discuss around the theme you can start putting them in and for those of you who joined later i just want to remind us what a secure attachment with ourselves looks like is to be able to say in any given scenario i decide i decide whether my behavior was acceptable and if it's unacceptable i allow myself to feel it i decide whether i'm worthy of love in this moment in this behavior for this reaction this part of me and it's important to have that mindset because so many problems come from all the parts of ourselves and the feelings and sensations and actions that we don't believe is worthy of love i decide all of the things that relate to me and i reframe the actions of other people into their decision and we have relationships based on whether me me if i decide my behavior is acceptable this is who i'm choosing to be this is the way that i want to live and all parts of me and the way that i'm acting and reacting and choosing to be are at least worthy of love and affection from myself but and this is a really important reframe other people get to make the same decision for themselves they get to decide what's acceptable in how to treat them what's acceptable in a relationship what kind of relationship do i want to have how do i want my friends to act how do i want my partner to act what's important to me in a partner what's important to me in a friend what's important to me in an employee or a boss and so do you and you get to decide accordingly because the second we start using other people's reactions and other people's actions to determine our own worthiness our own lovability our own acceptability then we start struggling because we start constantly seeking out from other people what makes me lovable and i'll use the analogy but i do always try to be careful on these classes because i can only use so many nuances in a short class so i hope people can forgive me for using stereotypes not mean stereotypes stereotypes cultural and i'll use an example if you're a young woman in today's day and age who can't choose for themselves that they're lovable that they're attractive that they're kind they're considerate that their behavior is acceptable that the right person will match with them then you're really susceptible to the thousands of people magazines advertisements that tell you your body needs to look a certain way you need to talk a certain way you need to act a certain way in relationship um that the reason that things aren't working is because you're acting this way no you're acting this way no you don't look this no you haven't done that and we're constantly worrying because we're constantly being a chameleon we're trying to bend ourselves create ourselves craft ourselves in such a way that the world will love us never fully recognizing that the world isn't one thing people have different preferences people have different ideas people want us to be different things so there is no way to get everyone to like us or even an entire group to like us it is so much more important to say how do i love me what parts of me do i love or how can i come to love and accept all parts of who i am and how i act and trust that when i do that when i show who i am and who i choose to be then there will be someone who loves that there will be many people who love that but only if i love me and love it will it show up does that make sense as the frame that we're going for today okay because then i'll go into questions because is it chanders chandris because she said i'm a survivor of horror wow what a word how do i find secure attachment if i've never had one yeah first of all even in one word i'm sorry that you're a survivor of horror not that you're a survivor before the horror but when we say we find secure attachment secure attachment here the only true secure attachment is to yourself or if we want to get deeper with it to the universe to trust to something but for today we're talking about ourselves meaning i get to decide who i want to be today and that's okay because i love who i am today i love the person i'm choosing to be today i think that it's lovable i think that it's attractive but it doesn't matter because i'm attracted to it and i love it and it's okay and importantly it's okay if other people aren't it's totally okay if other people aren't for instance i'll use an example i am in a crazy little hippie town called san pancho in the west coast of mexico at the moment and i am wearing just kind of a t-shirt i have a little bit of the hippie kind of jewelry of this jade necklace the jade yep that i got like four years ago and my hair is not long i have this somewhat chimped beard i like this i feel good about myself this is how i feel now when i walk down the street right now through the park that i'm in the first thing that i'm going to see is the guy in the volkswagen combi bus that's all decked out who's wearing all linen and and has like gauges and earrings he's going to look at me and he's going to judge me not even in necessarily a negative way he's going to determine what kind of person he thinks i am and he's going to say not part of my tribe and that's okay and then i'm going to walk past 15 um mexican people playing basketball and they're going to say not my tribe maybe my spanish is pretty good and then i'm gonna see someone who's a tourist who's just walking through maybe wearing a hawaiian shirt and i might say not my tribe because of who i am what i'm showing up as who i'm choosing to be but then i might walk a little further and sit down at an ice cream shop and there's gonna be someone who sees me looking relatively standard but smiling and we might start a conversation over ice cream and they're gonna say i like you i like this person i like who you're choosing to be and that person and i may end up friends does that mean that all of the people along the way who said not you not today are bad people or that my strategy is wrong or that i need to change no because what matters is whether you like you and the more that you can choose each day and you get to choose each day there are some adaptations that are harder some that are easier but every day you get to choose what kind of person you want to be what kind of energy you want to put out what kind of actions you want to take and equally a secure attachment to ourselves is recognizing that other people's reactions to that are a reflection to what they are looking for that day what they are feeling that day that moment not our own inherent worth and goodness because can you see the difference all of you on this call not just chandler so chandler in between me getting dressed up let's say i perfectly shaved my beard um make sure that everything's in perfect alignment and say you know what i am this and i'm going to go to the beach and i'm going to strut up and down and i'm going to wait and every person who looks at me and how long they look at me is going to be my signal of whether i am attractive or this or that and every person who doesn't look or looks away is going to signal that i'm not and let's use some more relational examples let's say someone and you're in a relationship and you show up and you say hey in a relationship i this is someone a couple of days ago i really prefer a good morning text it helps me feel safe it helps me feel connected it helps me know that you're there that's what i'm looking for is that something you're willing to do if you own that and you know that and you love that that's okay because that's what you're looking for and what you want today and if you can have a secure attachment within yourself then it doesn't really matter what the other person says because it's just information of whether you want to have a relationship with that person but if they say oh that's so annoying and you're like you're right that is annoying or or does it need to be every day and you're like wow i am a burden or yeah i'll think about it and you're like maybe i am just being needy or they forget tomorrow and you say does this mean you don't love me that's an insecure attachment because you're reading other people's behavior as whether you are acceptable whether you are okay rather than saying this is what i want this is what feels good to me and i didn't i wasn't able to set the terms as a child because i do like this analogy you couldn't go into a store the parent store and say i would like new parents that meet these criteria please as a child but as an adult we can we do actually get to decide and go into the big wide world store and say this is what i'm looking for and this is how i'm going to act and all relationships are a pairing of those things when we honestly and openly can go into a relationship and say this is who i am choosing to be this is how steady i believe i am in that and this is the kind of relationship i am looking for and this is the kind of life that i want to live and this is the behavior that i'm willing to accept and the behavior that i'm not willing to accept and we can listen clearly not through rose-colored glasses or through i can do that through being a chameleon to other people's responses to that and choose whether that's the relationship for us that's secure attachment that's what it means because let's say i'll start picking some names and i'd love to hear more because if this isn't resonating or someone has a question please put it in but so let's say stark let's say stark i don't actually know if stark's in a relationship we haven't talked about that in prior classes but if stark is looking for one and she starts saying i want and if i remember correctly stark's an artist or at least very creative and stark may say you know what i feel safest in introversion and creative spaces i don't really like to be out in too much chaos and if it is i'd like it to be more creative open flowing chaos and i want to have a relationship in which we do spend a lot of time together and we go out to events but we also stay in and because i know stark's in new york city and this is what makes me uncomfortable and i'm hoping to avoid it that may be yelling or she could be someone where like you know what some days i just need to be able to yell and know that that's okay as long as i don't criticize name call or this i just need to get it out and i need a partner who's used to that maybe from a family that that's okay which i say to shock some people because it can be and if stark openly says that and loves that about herself says you know what this is who i am this is the person that i want to be this is what feels comfortable for me this is what feels safe for me and she's open about that and so when someone looks at her askance when she says you know what i really don't want to go to that club it's not interesting to me and they start posturing her and badgering her and pushing and saying you're such an introvert this an insecure person might be pushed to go out but a secure person says you know what you can go but that's not for me and i see that it's okay for you but it's not something that brings me joy does that make sense to everyone and we've got a couple of minutes left for questions so i'm going to start going through micah but if you have more let me know because we still haven't gotten down to enough details to choose a good meditation but micah how can you find out who you want to be if you've learned to adapt to what others want in order to be safe that's a very good question that's a very good one and very well phrased we explore my mother was one of those people and when she finally retired there was a period which referred to as her teenager years which i tell you just to say this can happen at any age and when she started exploring what she actually liked not what she was putting up with for other people including her children her husband her job the people she worked with and she explored around and said you know what i really do like to garden all day i do like dogs and i like dogs more than people and i like helping them and she has gotten happier and happier every year into her retirement which isn't always true the golden years aren't always golden because every year she's gotten closer and closer to what she actually wants by exploring for instance she always thought when she retired she'd finally travel but now her son has been traveling for five years now all around the world and eventually she said i don't actually want to travel i like the idea of traveling i like you telling me about it i like reading about it but i don't really want to leave my home and for a long time she really struggled with that because she loved traveling when she was younger she always said she was going to travel but my father didn't want to so it was like letting a part of her go and that's okay but she had to accept it and this is the tricky part so i'm going to use this as an actual example because we haven't talked a lot about the struggles that should come up for the past several years my mother has been in a lot of turmoil because i kept inviting her to go places and she would be hesitant and unsure and she was in a battle with herself and she'd feel like she's not visiting her son or this or that but the problem is because she was in conflict she kept telling me and giving me signals that she wanted to go but then not taking action and i'd get frustrated i'd pull up flights i'd put it together i'd be like there'd be an apartment it'd be about this much we could do these things and then continually it wouldn't happen and since she wasn't comfortable with who she wanted to be we were both frustrated i'd get frustrated at her and she would feel unsure she'd avoid conversations and she could tell she was struggling and the second that she said to me you know what i realized i don't really want to travel i don't i like the idea of it but not enough to do it and that's okay i like my life at home too much and i'm probably not going to and she even was like and if you're not making it home as often as i'd like that's okay but i'd love when you do and if there's anything i can do to help you feel more comfortable coming home because we don't have a house there i'd be glad to do that but i don't think i'm going to travel you could tell that was the moment that everything shifted it all went away all of the problems and that's the same for every time we become more secure big and small because if your friends are constantly pustering you to go do something or your partner how many partnerships and there's clarity here let me use one live example because i want to really get into the pain of relationships if you were in a partnership where your partner on at least one thing is constantly pestering you to change some specific thing and you're not secure in the fact that you don't want to do it that's not who you are who you want to be how you want to act i don't care if it's a you know what honey i am a do the dishes in the morning kind of person that's what i feel comfortable with that's what i feel safe with and if we want to have a conversation about how we can make this work whether that's get a dishwasher get a cleaner whether it's i take a bigger task so throughout the week so that you don't feel resentful about it but it feels perfectly fine to me it feels perfectly okay to me and i know it's not fine for you but that doesn't mean that i'm wrong it means we have different preferences and i'm sure we can find a solution that works for both of us but it's not going to be one in which you shame criticize or convince me that i'm wrong because i have a standard or expectation here does that make sense because then to really go deeper into what micah said you have to explore and it is really difficult because i want to add some details if you have constantly adapted yourself to what others want in order to be safe then it becomes scary to ask for what i want and i would really recommend starting when you're alone you can even do the exercise of if you have and i don't know if you're a mother with five children home alone without a lot of space but when you do get alone time and ask for it and explain it to or if you have a lot you can start asking what do i want to do right now and the other side of the exercise is to start dealing with all of the judgments and thoughts that show up because you might get a day off and you might say what do i want to do right now right now it's not the big question it's right now it might be something as simple as you know what i want to take a nap and you're like but i have this one free day you're like but i want to take a nap and then you might nap for 20 minutes and ask the question again what do i want to do right now and again it might be you know what i want to go for a walk around the neighborhood and during that you just pay attention in every single moment this is an exercise i've done what do i want what do i want to do and you give yourself permission up to the limits of your time and finances to say hey okay i want this i don't want this and we practice over and over and over again to get familiar with what we want because then the next stage comes being comfortable wanting what i want when other people don't want it want something different want me to do something different and the worst when they are willing to escalate their behavior whether it's criticized contempt yelling passive aggression uh complaint in order to try to convince me to do the things i don't want to do but it all starts with becoming comfortable with what it is i do want what i do feel comfortable with and having that be acceptable to us first and foremost but recognizing that it may not be comfortable to other people and that our relationships may change as a result because the final piece here because then we'll do a meditation is the recognition if i have been living a relationship that i don't want in order to adapt to someone else than what they want when i start asking for what i want what are the chances that relationship is either going to change drastically which is going to have a period of chaos and uncertainty or fall away because if someone has fallen in love with the person that i became based on what they asked for rather than who i want to be there's a chance they may love who you want to be they may want to be with who you want to be but there's a chance they won't there's always a chance they will and that is the core trick of all of this we want to love ourselves and be secure within ourselves so much but it's okay if others don't choose to be with that new person with that authentic person because we love being that person more than we need the approval and love of someone else does that make sense if so let's take a couple of minutes because we're gonna settle in to a brief meditation i've got i've got an idea so if everyone can get into a comfortable position go ahead and close your eyes take a deep breath let it out with a sigh and i want you to start thinking of what it would feel like to start doing what you want rather than what others want for now don't think about their reactions think about what are some things that you really want to do that you like to do please just avoid anything that you think you should do like i should go to the gym or i should get in shape or i should learn an instrument things you already enjoy but aren't doing or aren't doing as much as you'd like and as you imagine imagine what it would feel like to spend more time doing that to give yourself permission how much time would you spend and be careful with one more thing we want this to be something you want not something you don't want or to stop so if it's i don't really want to go out to these parties with these people turn it into i want to stay home and read a book by candlelight or i want to watch the bachelor and that's okay you already know some things that you want what would like life look like if you started to do more of them if you can think of more think of more and again your mind might have already told you a dozen reasons why you can't or you won't if someone's reactions for the purposes of today this meditation we just want to give ourselves a reason that it would be worth it so what would you do if you were to start today from this moment from the moment this call ends and start doing what you want what would happen and this exercise can be really scary and it's really easy to dismiss under the circumstances of well i certainly wouldn't go to work and that's important to know that you're at a job you don't want to do and you've convinced yourself but don't stop there say what would you what would you want what would you want to do it's okay if it changes tomorrow or next week or next year but what would you want to do because if you only know what you don't want then you have nothing to go towards so what would you want for some of you that might be going to go dance for some that might be curling up with a book for some it might be the next season of survivor for some it might be building something what would you want to do and what would life feel like because you know what it feels like to do the things you want to do the things that bring you joy so can you start to imagine what it would look like if over time you really started to allow yourself to sit in joy and ask for what allows you to get there so what would you want to do the path isn't always easy because sometimes it's i want to stop blaming myself for everything and that's a good one to follow because you want to start asking for help you want to figure out how to stop and that want will lead you down the path but just as equally it's i want a partner who cares for me in these ways that i can ask for help that i can communicate with and that want will lead you down the path towards having those conversations seeing your current relationship with clarity if there is one and making the decisions of whether they want the same things so allow yourself to imagine what would happen if you keep wanting because how would you feel would you feel like a child again would you feel free if you followed what you wanted where would life lead you where could life lead you because every want is only stopped by i shouldn't i can't i'm not good enough it wouldn't work i'm not capable but if we go deeper we figure out i want to i want to be able to i want to have i want to feel and if we allow ourselves to feel it fully and take action life truly changes beyond our control and that's what it looks like to have a secure attachment to yourself and to say i want what i want and that's okay and i'm gonna take action and others may not want it and that's okay and my life may change it will change and that's okay because i can trust myself because i know what i want i know i may want something different tomorrow and that's okay and because i know how it feels to go for what i want i know that others can change too and that relationships and interactions may come and go as others want to and don't want to and i wouldn't want them to stay or force or change when they don't want because i know how that feels i want to be here because i want to be here and i want others to be here because they want the same and i accept that that's inherently an insecure life because i cannot secure it because i'm not in control but because i'm secure within myself it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay now if you want to keep sitting with us go ahead and pause or mute and stay as alone in this space as you feel it serves you but for us go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes feel free to yawn or stretch and when you feel ready go ahead and open your eyes how does everyone feel and i'll use as we're getting closer if anyone's new i'd love a follow because i'd love to see you all again and update you when i do things and for those of you who have been here before if you feel called to make a donation or just let me know what else you'd like to see next please let me know um and going through the comments because i have a couple of minutes left um trish my last relationship i started off secure attachments saying what i wanted the spiral then to anxious attachment and i would love to stay in secure attachment yeah so in these last moments i'm gonna count and say what led you into insecure attachment because that's what we can explore in a staying secure in relationships because the moment we become insecure is the moment that we can't lose the relationship because when we say hey i was secure until i became too deeply in love i became too attached because the second you say i cannot afford to lose this relationship you become insecure and that might be counter to a lot of romantic wisdom like they fell in love ever after fell deeply in but the second you say i can't lose this therefore i need to adapt to make sure i don't lose this then you become insecure because your security depends on another person staying or acting in ways that you want and that's important because all of the biggest waves in katarina's eyes and i katarina and my relationship have come from being too attached coming to the recognition of saying no i'm not willing to stay in a relationship under these circumstances talking about and adapting because at any point we want to wake up next to each other and say i want to be here and i want you to want to be here and if you don't then i don't want to be here because i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that doesn't mean you don't get to have open conversations it doesn't mean you don't get to ask for what you want but it means that you don't stay under the assumption saying i can't afford to lose you and for instance i've started going on reddit occasionally which i never really have in my life to respond to people in our relationships our relationships advice and the most common thing i see when people are struggling is because they believe they can't leave i can't because i love them you can love someone and say i don't want to be in a relationship with you i can't because we have children you can have children with someone and leave and create a healthier relationship for your children you i can't because i'm financially dependent you're never truly financially dependent but if you can't leave then you will put up with any behavior and that's when we become insecure but the second you say these are the standards under which i'm going to live and beneath that is in a relationship i'm willing to have then you have a secure relationship because you know your limits and you know your boundaries yeah you have to be willing to lose the relationship under circumstances that no longer feel good to you in order to have a secure relationship yeah that is the hardest part kp but maybe that that can be the next one i saw i'm gonna make sure to copy all of this um because i've been taking notes here um from the chat because we can have one on family estrangement um copy um but i don't know how to phrase it so if anyone has magic phrasing in the next minute for a class on um how to probably the most inflammatory is how to know when to leave or how to make it okay to leave but that might not be exactly what we're looking for so if anyone wants to chat that or put that in of some good naming but i see what we're going towards of how to define the limits of your healthy relationship maybe yeah um and family estrangement i see in there too navigating family dynamics yeah so how to know when to go no contact would be the gen z version um or how to know when it's time to leave or how to know your limits yeah okay i can think through that but with that said oh when to love them but leave them when to love but leave i like that i'm gonna add that in all right but open the wrong thing yeah you're very welcome everyone um i appreciate you all i love you all and i'll have tomorrow and thursday this week as well so hopefully see some of you soon

Reviews

Very helpful. Looking forward to the next session