Create A Secure Attachment With Yourself - Live 1-15-26

What if the fastest way to heal anxious/avoidant attachment was to become secure within yourself. To identify the areas where you betrayed your own trust and re-establish acceptance and love for the areas you sacrificed for love. In this meditation we practice identifying and healing those areas for secure attachment.

Transcript

Actually,

I'll do a quote from one of my favorite teachers.

He really helped me,

And you can look him up.

Joe Hudson with The Art of Accomplishment.

He was asked by a friend on his podcast,

What do you think about the people who say that if you need to set a boundary,

Then you have a wound that needs to be healed?

And his response was,

Yes,

But sometimes the most important path to healing is setting the boundary.

And I found that to be truer and truer over the last eight months since I heard it.

Because what he was saying is,

If you're struggling with your family,

There is a wound to be healed.

But probably the most important thing in healing that wound is to say,

I don't have to put up with it.

Because you're dealing with the resentment,

The anger,

The frustration,

The implications about yourself,

All of these things.

And stuck in between a,

I have to deal with this because this is crappy,

But knowing it sucks inside,

And that's the wound.

And if you can say,

No,

No,

I don't.

I don't have to deal with it.

And if they act this way,

I can say,

No,

I love you,

But no.

Then that act in itself starts to heal the wound.

Because the wound for most of us,

And it's really important to think about this,

Because that's actually what we're going to do in the meditation,

Is you are not wounded because something happened to you.

You are wounded because you hurt yourself.

You abandoned yourself.

And this is worth repeating because this is what we want to focus on in the meditation.

You are not hurt because your parents were imperfect.

You are hurt because in your parents' imperfections,

You said,

I am broken,

Or I need to change,

Or I am not acceptable.

And you suppressed,

Rejected,

Abandoned a part of yourself.

And as a result,

You're angry with yourself.

You're frustrated with yourself.

You're scared of yourself.

You can't trust yourself because you knew when it got hot,

You abandoned yourself.

And maybe you were four.

So sure,

You needed to abandon yourself.

It was the best you could do in a scary situation.

But until you rebuild trust and faith in yourself,

Not other people,

Because you can't control other people,

In yourself,

Then the wound will never be healed.

So since we're already at 35,

That's what we're going to do today.

In this meditation,

I want you to pick one piece of yourself that you know you have been avoiding abandoning,

Rejecting,

Saying is not okay.

Something that you would want to express.

Something that you don't express or don't show other people.

And we're going to travel back in time to when you said it wasn't okay.

What was the choice?

How did you feel?

And then we're going to choose to love it.

We're going to choose to accept it.

If everybody can find a comfortable position.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

And take the first minute just to be with yourself.

And then,

I'd like you to think of the thing that you are going to choose to love in yourself today.

And this is up to you.

If you're feeling a bit activated versus very calm versus very settled,

Choose something you're willing to commit to.

If you're having a rough day,

Don't choose a dragon.

This is a choose your own adventure of something big or small that you are ready to accept and love in yourself.

And when you have it,

I want you to admit to yourself how you have held yourself back from loving or accepting this part of yourself so far.

How have you treated yourself when this part showed up?

For instance,

What have you done when anger arose or the feeling arose?

Did you shame yourself or criticize yourself or judge yourself or apologize?

In what ways have you clearly rejected this part of yourself?

And then,

I want you to ask yourself,

How did we get here?

How did you get to the point in which this wasn't okay?

In which this part of yourself that's natural,

Normal,

You know you've had it your whole life.

Or maybe,

If we want to make a joke from inside out,

That showed up at certain points in your life.

How did you learn to say this part of yourself wasn't okay?

Can you remember when,

Either specifically or vaguely,

A time period or a person that it happened?

If you can,

I want you to examine it from all sides.

What experience was the person having,

Was the people having,

And what decision did you make?

What sacrifice did you make?

Was it that my parents were stressed out and uncertain,

And if I got angry,

They felt overwhelmed and ashamed as bad parents,

And then they disconnected in their own shame,

So I learned anger leads to disconnection.

As an example,

Sit there and think about it.

With kindness,

Until you can understand clearly the choice that you made.

Not the choice you made to have those parents,

Or those people,

Or those experiences,

But the decision that you came to about who you are,

And what parts of you were acceptable or not,

Or what way you had to behave or not in order to be okay.

And then,

If you're still there,

Stay there,

Because until you recognize that you made a decision,

It's hard to remember that you can make a new one now.

But if you can see that you made a decision,

And you've seen the impact of that decision,

Then I want to ask you now,

Are you ready to come to a new conclusion?

To a new story for that moment,

Or those moments,

Or that person,

That will free up that part of you,

So you can be secure in yourself,

Without needing to chase it or avoid it in the outside world?

If that answer is yes,

Then put your hands on your heart,

And as you're holding your heart,

Come up with a new decision,

A new statement,

A new belief about that part of yourself.

And if you can't do it yet,

That's okay.

Ask yourself what part of you needs to be heard before you can,

Because it might be,

No,

If I get angry,

I'll be abandoned,

And then I'll feel the pain of abandonment.

And you want to ask,

When did that decision happen?

Because,

For example,

As this might apply to a lot of people,

The abandonment side,

You can never truly be abandoned,

Unless you abandon yourself.

So when did I decide that being abandoned by others means I need to abandon myself?

Because if others don't want to be with me,

Then I must not be worth being with.

Whatever it is,

You can keep having this conversation with yourself,

Because it does come down to this.

You will become securely attached when you're no longer chasing or avoiding other people as the sign of you being okay,

But you decide that you are okay,

That these parts of you are okay,

That you can love them,

That you can accept them.

So take the next four minutes and make some new decisions for yourself,

Whatever they may be,

Having the conversations you need to have,

Whatever you know them to be.

And whatever you do,

Don't pressure yourself.

There's a phrase,

If you can't release the resistance,

Love the resistance.

So if there's a part of you right now being like,

No,

We're gonna love this part,

Damn it!

You don't have to.

And whatever part of you is resisting is the next thing to love,

Because it might be afraid and you haven't allowed yourself to love that fear.

It might be angry and you haven't allowed yourself to love the anger.

It might be guilt.

Whatever it is,

There's a part of you that has shown up as a path,

That the obstacle is the way.

Whatever arises is just the next thing that needs to be accepted on the path to accepting all of yourself.

And then,

If you need this,

And you know you need this,

And you have time,

Pause or mute and spend as much time as you can here.

But if you're ready for today to come out and integrate and feel,

Then go ahead and wiggle your fingers and your toes.

Yawn or stretch.

And when you feel ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

Reviews

Thank you so much! It first i thought nothing was coming to mind. But then many different scenes in my life occurred to me. So many emotions. Came to, i don't need to earn the love and acceptance of others. I will definitely be revisiting this meditation.