I was raised by a narcissistic single mom who,
From the time of birth,
Taught me that my reality wasn't correct,
That I needed to abandon my perception and accept hers in order to be safe.
Fast forward to adulthood,
And I found myself second-guessing everything.
From whether I was allowed to be upset with someone for disrespecting or hurting me,
To something as simple as trusting my own GPS directions.
When you're raised in this environment,
Especially as a child,
It affects your psyche to the core.
One day,
I was riding my motorbike around a new town.
The GPS told me to turn left,
But I felt my body have a knee-jerk reaction to keep going straight,
Because straight felt correct.
Even though I had no idea where I was,
Something in me wanted to override the GPS.
That was a huge moment of awareness.
Suddenly,
I wondered,
Why would I second-guess the GPS,
The very tool I use for accurate directions?
Why would I keep going straight,
Even though I don't actually know where I am?
It was an aha moment.
I realized this deep pattern of second-guessing came from my childhood,
Where my reality was constantly invalidated.
I had learned not to trust myself,
Not to trust my own reality.
That day,
For the first time,
I lovingly and patiently told myself to trust the GPS,
And I turned left.
And lo and behold,
The GPS was correct.
Who would have thought?
After that ride,
I had to sit down and put my hand on my heart,
Because for the first time in my 37 years of life,
I realized I'm beginning to trust my own reality.
I'm starting to trust what I see with my own eyes.
I'm starting to trust what's in front of me,
Instead of always searching for someone or something else to tell me what's right or wrong.
It was a really sad moment,
Because I realized how long I had lived without trusting myself,
And doing to myself exactly what my mom had done to me,
Which is denying my reality.
But it was also an amazing moment,
Because I knew from then on,
I'll have these seemingly small opportunities to flex this new muscle and become more trusting of myself.
So if you or anyone you know has suffered from narcissistic parenting,
Please don't blame yourself for the seemingly odd habits you might have.
Nothing that happens inside of us happens without a reason.
As I've started healing,
All the dots are connecting.
All the puzzle pieces are fitting together seamlessly.
Everything I do,
Or think,
Or feel,
Has a reason,
And when I find that reason,
It becomes a key.
A key to becoming closer to myself and understanding myself more deeply.
And that leads me to deep compassion,
Instead of self-condemnation.
I hope this helps someone,
And please remember to take what resonates with you and leave the rest.
