The Desire Beneath The Goal | Truth About Desires

Alara Sage explores the concept of true desires and how individuals often pursue goals that do not resonate with their authentic selves. She emphasizes the importance of understanding one's true desires, which can lead to a more fulfilling life. Through personal anecdotes and client stories, Alara illustrates how societal expectations and false beliefs can cloud one's understanding of what they truly want. She provides a 3-part framework for uncovering these desires.

Transcript

Welcome to the Sacred Sadist Podcast,

Where power is refined,

Impact sharpens,

And leaders move from success that contains to ecstatic legacy.

Hello and welcome.

I'm your host,

Allara Sage,

And I'm also the founder of Ecstasia Academy,

Which is a school for power and creation.

And one of the most surprising truths that I come into encounter with is that people don't actually know what they desire.

Yes,

People have goals.

People achieve those goals.

People create beautiful,

Amazing success.

And yet,

And yet something within them doesn't feel complete,

Full,

Satiated,

Alive.

One of my powers is the ability to recognize this in others.

So when I work with clients,

Or even when I'm with friends and complete strangers,

And I ask them the question of,

What do you desire?

What do you desire to create in your life?

And they give me an answer.

I can feel that their bodies either light up with creative life force energy,

Which is the energy we use to create our reality,

Light up with passion,

Light up with aliveness,

Which is a felt sense in the body.

Or if it is flat,

A flat line,

Which doesn't mean that whatever it is that they're working to create doesn't bring them joy,

That they don't love it,

Enjoy all of those things.

It just simply means that it is not that which ignites them.

One of my clients came to me,

A multimillionaire,

And he has created an extraordinary legacy.

He has created a business that is a franchise over 500 different facilities across the world.

He's created generational wealth for his family.

And yet,

He began to recognize that he couldn't stop,

He couldn't slow down,

That even though he'd built this amazing legacy,

There was a part of him that was striving still yet to create more because of this fear within him if he stopped.

And he didn't understand that fear.

And he didn't understand what the fear was showing him,

As fear does.

So as we explored through words and questions,

We uncovered first and foremost that he grew up in a household as a middle child of three boys and a single mother.

His mother worked tirelessly to be able to support her boys.

And there was never a sense of security,

A sense of safety in the home.

So as so many ambitious leaders do,

As soon as he got out of high school,

He set about creating that sense of security for himself and for,

At that point,

His future family.

By creating the wealth,

By creating the legacy businesses and franchises.

But it wasn't giving him that sense of security because no matter what it is external of us,

It can actually never grant you security.

We all know that money can go away,

Businesses can crash.

I had my own six figures stolen from me and directly after that,

My six-figure business crashed.

And this was actually the fundamental truth that I was being taught was that security is not an outside job.

So with this particular client,

As we explored these memories through his childhood,

His nervous system was in a state of fight or flight,

Always.

Dysregulated,

Working to keep achieving in this attempt to create a sense of safety and security.

So his desire was actually to create safety and security.

And as so many of us do,

We believe that that means something specific.

If I have enough money,

If I create legacy wealth,

If I create businesses,

More than one,

Not all your eggs in one basket,

All of these things,

Then I will have.

But he didn't have because it wasn't fundamentally in his nervous system.

He didn't believe that he was safe and secure.

So in resolving this in the nervous system and in his belief structure,

He started to not only be able to relax,

He started to experience a sense of peace that he had never known,

Never,

Ever known.

Maybe,

Maybe very first few,

You know,

Days or months of childhood,

Who knows,

Right?

Couldn't remember that,

That's for sure.

Nothing he could definitely unconsciously recall.

And this is the truth.

This is the true desire.

And the thing about desires,

Actual desires,

Desires that you actually crave is that they they break you open.

When you realize them,

You don't just realize them,

You feel it.

It resonates through your body as truth.

Most people cry or gasp or like literally let out an audible sigh as if they've,

For the first time ever,

Granted themselves permission to recognize something,

To own something about themselves,

That they have been seeking their entire life.

And I have a plethora of stories like that,

All very different,

All very different fundamental desires.

And the interesting thing is,

Is that when we believe that we're creating our desires,

We have this sense that something is missing.

We have this achievement and then the fallout after it,

Like,

Well,

I achieved that.

It was glorious.

Now what?

Now I feel empty again.

Now I feel like I have to go the next thing.

And do not misunderstand me here.

I am all about expansion.

I'm all about our own personal journey of expansion.

And there is a difference between expansion that is rooted in what you believe you desire that you don't actually desire,

Aka he believed that the money,

The wealth,

The companies,

The businesses,

All of that was what he desired,

That that would grant him the safety security.

When you're expanding through false beliefs,

False desires,

That they're not completely false.

They're not completely wrong,

Right?

Like the example of this client was,

Yes,

I mean,

We have been taught in society that money grants you freedom,

That money grants you safety and security,

Even though it is a fundamental lie.

And yes,

It does grant you freedom to some extent,

But it is not core freedom.

It can still be altered,

Destroyed,

Taken from you,

Where your sense of freedom,

Your sense of safety,

Security within your body and the belief there can never be taken from you.

That's the difference.

That's the difference between being anchored in a belief structure that is regardless of what happens in the market or to the country and the politics,

All of that.

It is unshakable.

And so he believed that that was all true.

So it wasn't a complete lie.

It's not like he was completely off track,

Even though a lot of people are completely off track,

Following dreams that their parents projected onto them,

Following goals that humanity told them they should have.

So that exists as well.

Well,

My primary point here is few.

Actually,

Let me rephrase this.

I actually have yet to meet somebody that wasn't already on the path of desire and understands what I'm teaching here that was creating their desires.

I have yet to meet a single person.

So that is a very high statistic,

Because this is one of the things I explore a lot,

Like I said,

With my clients,

Of course.

But I ask my friends,

I ask strangers because it ignites me.

It is something of curiosity to me.

So something I'm always exploring.

So 100%,

100% of people that I have encountered have not been creating what they actually desire.

Wow.

So perhaps now you say,

OK,

Wonderful.

So how do I?

Because in my framework,

In my teaching,

This is the first step.

You can't know your direction if you don't know your direction,

Right?

Your true north doesn't exist if you don't know which direction that is.

So I'm going to bring in the three steps,

And these three steps are not probably anything you've ever heard anywhere else.

Maybe some of them are,

But I imagine the three steps combined,

You've never heard before.

And if you really spend time with these three steps,

You can reveal your desires to you.

And one more thing I want to say before I move into the three steps is these innate desires,

They are the seat of your destiny.

When we recognize and pursue these desires,

It doesn't matter what they are.

It's really not about the thing.

It's about what that thing ends up creating,

Which is your destiny.

It is the fruit that it bears.

Right,

Because if you think about a fruit tree,

It starts off as a seed,

Grows into a tree.

Yes,

It's a tree,

But it's the fruit that is really shared,

Enjoyed,

Experienced.

And this level of a seed of your destiny,

Just think about that phrase,

It will simultaneously ignite you and scare you because those two are,

First off,

One and of the same energies.

But I guarantee you that it will challenge you in a way that you've never been challenged.

Like for instance,

This client,

He never had to consider his breath.

He never had to consider how he felt in his body.

It challenged him to move his awareness from the external to the internal.

How do I feel?

Where is a sense of safety in myself?

How do I create that now in this moment,

No matter what is arising?

And that was a very big challenge for him.

He knew how to create businesses.

He knew how to create wealth.

He knew how to support entire communities in beautiful ways.

He knew how to interact.

He knew how to speak to people,

All of these gifts.

But this,

He didn't know how to do.

It was definitely challenging for him.

So it will challenge you.

And that challenge is where that fear lives.

So you want to find that desire.

When you move through these steps,

It should crack you open.

It should hit you in the gut.

It should collapse you into this beautiful energy of feeling like you are coming home while being triggered and activated and excited and scared all at the same time.

All of these things under the same moment.

That's aliveness.

That's creation.

That's the moment that you commune with your destiny for the very first time,

Perhaps.

And it might be something that you've already known.

A lot of my clients had visions,

Myself included,

As children.

Just imaginative visions of themselves.

Long before they understood what those visions were and what they meant and had any kind of story around them.

Just pure,

Innocent imagination.

And when we hit their core desires,

They break open.

Oh my God,

I remember having these visions,

These fantasies as a child.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

Okay.

So let's dive in.

So the first step that I recommend is being clear on what you don't want.

This helps to clarify your mind.

So I recommend writing out a list.

This could be things that you don't want that you've never experienced,

But you are very clear that you do not want them.

It can also be things that you currently are experiencing,

Creating subconsciously that you don't desire.

But make a list and notice as you make them,

How they make you feel.

And the feeling in your body and the perspective of your mind towards this list.

And the more in-depth you can make this list,

There's nothing too big or too small that can go on this list that just simply clarifies,

This is what I don't want very,

Very clearly.

So again,

With that client,

This is what led him to the right realization that there was something that he did want when he recognized that he didn't want to feel like he couldn't stop anymore.

As he was getting,

You know,

Still midlife,

But,

You know,

Reaching older years in his fifties,

Deciding that he didn't want to keep going at the rate that he'd been going,

But he didn't want to feel this sense that if he stopped,

It would all collapse,

Something would happen,

Right?

That I don't want this led him on the journey to,

Well,

If I don't want this,

What do I want?

What do I desire?

So it's very powerful.

So sit down and sit with that question.

And when you think you've got a complete list,

Walk away,

Give it some time,

A day or two,

And then come back and see,

Did anything else surface?

Because this is how we have communication with our subconscious mind.

So we bring it into our conscious awareness,

And then our subconscious will start to bring through those stories of like,

Oh yeah,

All of a sudden you'll have these memories of like,

Why am I remembering this moment when I was a kid?

Or why am I remembering this experience I had,

You know,

10 years ago?

But if you were to look at it,

Because you just made this list,

It would show you something that you created and experienced in that moment that you don't desire anymore,

Probably didn't in that moment either.

Or maybe you did and you don't anymore.

Maybe you've changed the cycle of your life,

Right?

So remember,

As you do this,

The subconscious speaks to us in stories and memory.

So if memories arise,

There is a,

There's something,

There's a golden nugget there for you.

Okay,

So that's step one.

Step two,

It's powerful to look at the people that,

Let's start off with the intensity of you feel jealousy towards.

If you have or have a ping of jealousy,

That is always a moment to pause.

Because that is simply telling you something that you desire,

That you haven't given yourself permission to own and thus create.

That's all jealousy is.

It's purposeful.

It's not meant to make us feel like we're not good enough,

Or somebody has something that we can never have.

Quite the opposite.

It's there to show you,

Hey,

This is something you desire.

And all of our desires are things that we are actually here to create.

So not only are they something you can create,

It's something that you personally are here to create.

Isn't that beautiful?

So jealousy.

But if you don't experience jealousy,

Do you experience admiration?

It's a little bit of a softer emotion than jealousy has that ping to it,

That ping,

That intensity,

That sharpness.

Whereas admiration feels much more from the heart,

That you admire somebody,

Right?

You respect them.

And still with admiration or respect,

Is there something that that person is experiencing,

Creating,

Living that you yet are not,

That you have not given yourself permission to?

And it can be anything.

And the important thing here is to not judge what they are.

Make the list.

They can seem silly.

They can seem not important.

Okay,

So let me give you an example.

I remember when I was in high school,

I used to just really be jealous of the girls who would kind of dress like edgy and funky and like kind of their own style.

And I had my own style.

I was never a follower of the trend.

But there was like the ones that stood out,

Right?

And I thought to myself,

Well,

That's just not who I am.

But I always felt that little energy,

Right?

Well,

Now guess what?

Now I love dressing like that.

And it's not about the clothes that I wear.

It's about the authenticity of my expression,

The nonverbal expression through our clothing,

Through how we wear,

How we dress,

How we carry ourselves.

That is all expression of authenticity or inauthenticity,

Right?

It took me years to realize that.

And I had to really go through this weird experience of giving myself permission to wear what I wanted to wear,

Which,

Again,

Sounds so frivolous.

But it wasn't at all.

It was very much a part of recognizing deeper what I actually desired for my life and who I was in my authentic self.

So nothing is trivial.

Write it down.

The smallest thing,

The biggest thing,

The weirdest thing,

The corniest thing,

Write it down.

And again,

As you do this,

Step two,

Recognize how do you feel when these things come to your awareness?

Along with that jealousy or that admiration,

Is there any sense of shame or guilt or you're not worthy or you're not capable or that's for other people?

Other people can have that,

But you can't.

Anything like that.

And note that as well,

Because these are all of the binds.

It is the rope that binds you.

It is the handcuffs that holds you.

It is the shackles that anchor you and stop you from creating your destiny.

So they're very,

Very,

Very important,

Even if they're hard to feel.

Even if,

You know,

This kind of work sometimes is like a big horse pill that you have to swallow and you need a lot of water to do that.

And that water is that compassion,

The compassion of self to recognize,

You know what,

Let me and let me tell you this out of my everybody's got it.

Everybody's got the things.

Everybody's got the binds.

Everybody's got the unworthiness.

Everybody's got the shame and the guilt.

I guarantee it.

Everybody doesn't feel enough because it is a core fundamental experience in humanity.

So it doesn't define you.

None of this actually defines you.

It's information that can help you create what you desire.

Period.

Information.

Okay.

Data.

Information.

So come at it.

Compassionately come at it,

You know,

With humor,

With joy,

With playfulness for yourself.

Like let yourself be awestruck.

Like,

Wow.

I had no idea that I actually desire that I had denied myself that.

But now that I'm looking at this person that always,

I feel that ping of jealousy.

And I,

When I really ask myself,

What is it about that person?

And it's this trivial thing,

But when I really sit with it,

Yeah,

It hits me.

I feel it.

And the truth is,

Is you may not feel the desire right away.

It might not be like,

Oh yeah,

I actually desire that.

Again,

You may feel first and foremost,

The shame,

The unworthiness,

All the things that you've told yourself of why you can't have it.

Okay.

So it's important to recognize that as we start to connect to even the most trivial of desires,

We have performed our whole life.

And that performance is denial.

And the denial is very powerful.

Because denial is what you place out of your awareness.

You literally cannot see it.

You cannot hear it.

You cannot feel it.

You deny it.

Okay.

So it's okay if you don't have to feel that an immediate sense of desire for whatever that person is mirroring you.

Even if you just feel like,

Ah,

I feel,

I feel that jealousy and it's around this particular thing that they create and experience in their life.

What do you feel there?

Right?

Is it the guilt?

Is it the shame?

Is it the not worthiness?

Is it the,

That's for somebody else?

You can't have that.

That's the block.

That's the bind.

Okay.

And beneath that block or bind is the actual desire.

So step number three is exploring why.

You know,

This is taught often,

The why.

Why do you desire what you desire?

And it's very powerful.

Most people say five whys.

I invite you to go well beyond five whys because five whys usually doesn't get you there unless you already have a sense of what this desire is.

Okay.

So keep asking why.

And when you think you've hit the bottom,

There's no more whys.

There's no more answers.

If you are not cracked open,

Guess what?

You haven't hit it.

So again,

Sometimes the thing,

The best thing to do is to walk away.

Because this gives your subconscious mind a moment to speak to you.

Because when your conscious mind is very active,

It overrides the subconscious.

You can't hear your subconscious unless you've trained yourself to hear your subconscious mind.

And so when you walk away,

When you're doing something that is mundane or that you can step into a mode of where you are doing it naturally,

Like taking a shower,

Driving your car,

That is when oftentimes your subconscious mind will come through and speak to you.

Okay.

So that's where a lot of times stepping away from these types of things,

Doing it up to a point and then stepping it away,

Letting it breathe.

I call it giving it spaciousness is where the actual depth of it is revealed to you.

So the,

If you don't already know,

I didn't go into it.

The why is asking yourself,

Okay,

I desire this.

Why?

Why do I desire that?

Because of this.

Why?

Because of this.

Why?

Because of this.

Why?

And if you really get stuck,

You can bring in.

And what does that do?

And that will kind of laterally move you along to something else that then you can ask why?

Okay.

So it breaks you out of a stuckness and it's a lateral move.

Why?

If you hit why,

And okay,

I can't seem to get any other answer.

Then what is that last why?

What,

What does that give you?

What,

What is the belief that that will bring you?

And then that'll laterally open up and then you can why from there.

And then if you hit another block,

Step away,

Move away,

Give it spaciousness,

Go do other things,

Kind of keep it in the back of your mind,

But not where you're trying to figure it out.

Not from the conscious mind where you're still asking the questions.

No more questions.

Walk away,

Do other things,

Engage your conscious mind and other things and let your subconscious mind bring through the information.

Okay.

So step one is making a very thorough list of what you don't desire.

Both things that you've never done,

Never lived,

And the things that might even be in your current reality that you don't desire anymore.

Those are probably going to hit the hardest.

Step two,

When you feel jealousy or admiration or respect for another person,

Is there anything there?

What is there?

Better question.

What is there?

That they're showing you that you aren't giving yourself permission to create an experience for yourself.

And number three,

The why.

As many whys as you can until you hit the core.

Again,

You will feel it when you hit the core.

And it will change your life if you let it.

It will change your life in the most beautiful way if you have the courage to one,

Go do down this road.

Two,

Own that desire.

As always,

I appreciate you so very much.

Thank you.

And until next time,

Much love.