Boundary Script-Starters

Welcome to day nine of our boundaries challenge.

I'm your guide,

Terri Cole,

And I am fully obsessed with helping you become a boundary boss.

So yesterday we talked about the big and small lies that we might tell ourselves to avoid setting boundaries,

And today we're going to be talking about boundary script starters and words,

Like actual language,

To set limits with others.

I've been a therapist for like 25 years and teaching for that long.

I've heard thousands of times from students and clients that one of the most difficult parts of becoming more boundary literate is they don't have the words.

They would get right up to their boss's office or right up to their partner's,

You know,

They're going to sit at the table with the partner and have the conversation.

And then they would come into the therapy session the next day or the next week and say,

I was right there and I just couldn't say it.

I just,

I just needed a start.

I needed,

I don't know how to begin it.

So that inspired me to create these boundaries script starters.

And then some of these that we're going to be talking about today,

They're just standalone on their own when you need to say no.

So let's go over them a little bit,

Shall we?

Okay.

You might want to grab your notebook and pen now to write some of these down.

Let's just start with one of my favorites.

I have a simple request.

If you're asking someone to do something for you,

To stop doing something,

To do something differently,

You can say,

I have a simple request that you stop dropping your wet towel on the wood floor and hang it on the back of the bathroom instead.

Right?

Super duper simple.

You can say,

I wanted to bring to your attention that when you drop your wet towel on the wood floor,

It leaves a stain.

And I'd like to make a simple request that you hang it on the back of the bathroom door.

You can say,

I wanted to revisit what happened last Wednesday.

You can say,

I wanted to revisit what happened last summer.

I mean,

Honestly,

You can say,

I wanted to revisit what happened in 1992.

For some reason,

People feel like there's a statute of limitations when it comes to correcting boundaries or saying something.

If you have something to say,

It doesn't matter if you didn't say it in the moment.

That's okay.

You have every right to revisit that situation.

And you can simply say,

I wanted to revisit what happened last Wednesday and then go into what happened and what the problem was and make the simple request,

Whatever it may be.

But a lot of times,

People will use it as a way to shut us down.

And they'll say,

Well,

Why didn't you say anything at the time?

You can say,

I'm saying something now.

The why doesn't even matter.

That's not even a real question,

Right?

It's just a way that they're trying to avoid having to answer for or deal with what your boundary request is or what limit you're setting with them.

If someone asks you to do something,

Instead of giving them an instant yes,

If you're someone who's a real people pleaser,

You can say,

Thank you for thinking of me.

I'll have to check my calendar or I'll have to check with my partner.

So by time rather than giving an instantaneous yes to anyone,

That is your right to think about what it is that you want to do.

If someone is hassling you after you've already said no,

You can say,

A boundary script starter is my answer is non-negotiable.

Please respect it.

And keep in mind,

When we actually get to the point of using the language of boundaries,

We are doing it with a neutral tone.

I mean,

If you need to add a little heat,

You can,

But out of the gate,

Right from the get,

We don't want to be super aggressive because it makes people defensive.

It puts them on edge.

You can also bring something to someone's attention by saying,

I want you to be aware of how I feel.

It could be about our interaction the other night or how I feel about whatever the thing.

But the easy,

Why this is a simple sentence starter is it's not hard to say,

Hey,

I wanted you to be aware of how I feel about,

And then go into it.

You can also,

When someone is hitting on you,

Asking you to do something you don't want to do,

You can simply put up your hand,

Especially if someone is hitting on you and you don't like it.

You can put up your hand in the stop sign and say,

No,

Thanks,

Or just no.

That is also fine.

You can say to someone,

I need to tell you that.

Right?

You need to tell them that the other night when they didn't call you,

When they said they were going to,

It made you worry about where they are.

And you would like to make a simple request that they call when they say they're going to do,

Let's just say.

You can also say,

Because again,

Starting with positivity,

Because keep in mind,

Not all the people that we want to draw boundaries with are our enemies,

Right?

These are people we love.

You can start with,

I would really appreciate it if you could.

For example,

Let me finish my story before telling yours,

Right?

That's a simple way of saying that.

And then the last one on this list that I'm sharing with you today is just saying,

No,

That doesn't work for me.

Someone makes a suggestion.

They invite themselves to something.

They want you to do something.

You could simply say,

That actually doesn't work for me.

And you can leave it at that.

No over explaining necessary.

Listen,

Words are powerful.

What you say matters.

And it is good practice saying the boundary scripts,

Saying it out loud,

Because if you haven't spoken a lot of boundaries in your life,

Especially if something could be a little emotional for you when you first say it,

You might get emotional,

Right?

It might make you feel like you want to cry or your eyes might well up.

So it's important that we actually practice these boundary scripts.

So let's dive into today's mindful action,

Which is we're going to treat the following sentences and don't worry.

You don't have to remember them because I'm going to be saying them and you're going to be repeating them out loud if you are somewhere where you can do that.

We're going to treat these sentence starters and ways to set limits,

Kind of like mantras or affirmations so we can get them into your mind and your body through repetition.

So for the next few minutes,

You're just going to mindfully repeat aloud after me.

I have a simple request that.

I wanted to bring to your attention that.

I wanted to revisit what happened last Wednesday.

I wanted to revisit what happened last summer.

Thank you for thinking of me.

I'll have to check my calendar.

My answer is non-negotiable.

Please respect it.

I want you to be aware of how I feel about.

I need to tell you that.

I would really appreciate it if you could.

No thanks.

No.

No that doesn't work for me.

Now it's time for us to stop repeating our boundary mantras or affirmations and let's check in.

How was it for you to repeat those boundary scripts,

Those sentence starters?

Was it easy?

Was it hard?

Did it feel uncomfortable?

Did it feel natural?

What came up for you when you were doing it?

I cannot wait to read your comments about this and I will see you tomorrow for day 10 people.

Day 10,

Tomorrow is the last day where we will cover the ultimate boundary builders,

Self care and self love.

And a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation which you'll find on my profile and I will see you tomorrow.