Why We Can't Say No

This talk is for the people pleasers. It offers insight into why we struggle to say no, set boundaries, and why we lose ourselves in others.

It explores people-pleasing as a survival response, how the fear of conflict and disappointment can disconnect us from our own needs, values, and identity, and what we can do to begin changing these patterns.

Through self-awareness, healthy boundaries, assertive communication, and reconnection with the parts of ourselves we once pushed aside, we can gradually learn to stand up for ourselves without shutting others out, becoming overwhelmed by them, or remaining trapped in the traumatic past they may trigger.

Transcript

This is a talk for those of us. Who can't say no. Have a fear of disappointing others. So much so that we lose ourselves in others. This is for those of us who struggle with boundaries. And in turn struggle with identity. Struggled to stand up for ourselves. Even when a part of us is silently screaming that this is not right. I'm speaking from the heart here because this is something I have long struggled with. Why do we want to people-place? Maybe want isn't the right word. Why do we people please? Why can't we say no? Do we lose ourselves in the identity, Desires, Whims? Of others. I think it comes back to a survival mechanism. We did what we had to do to survive. As young children, We need the support of those around us to survive. And when that survival is threatened. We take action to protect it. Food, Water and shelter. But also attention. So what happens if, For whatever reason, Our bringing is less than ideal. Well, We adopt one of the following responses. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn or fantasy. Something is wrong, You fight back. Or you flee, You run away. If that doesn't work you freeze up or fall into a fantasy. You dissociate. For some of us, The most adaptive response is to fawn. That is, To people, Please. Put ourselves down. Push our wants and desires away. To block off our personalities. To ensure that the adults in our life accept us. Keep us safe? Physically. Keep us fed. And all of the other necessary things for life. Might not be as explicit or as direct as that. But the basis of it comes because we have learnt that we need to put aside ourselves for others. Why can't we say no now? Because in the past, Saying no led to conflict. Or danger. We learn to say no. Was to risk something. Similarly. If we disappointed. Those around us. Well, That leads to danger. So we hyperfocus, Hyperfixate on the emotions and the needs and the desires of others. Pre-empting their every move. Putting ourselves in their mind. Taking action to ensure that everyone is calm and safe. Is where you get the over-empathetic response. You have an apologising response. Traumatized empath response. This is how we lose ourselves in others. Because we learnt. We learnt that it's less important to know what we're feeling. Very important to know what those around us are feeling. So now we flash forward to today. And those behaviour patterns are still in there. If you learnt to fight back as a child. You will be a fighter in your adult life. It's like attachment style, So they translate if you learnt to run. To avoid conflict in your childhood. Chances are you'll do that into your adulthood. But what about us? What did we learn? We learnt to form. We learnt to people please. We learnt. That we can't say no. We learnt to over-apologize. We developed a fear of disappointing. What worked. May still work, At least that's what our brain thinks. This is why it's a defense mechanism or a survival response. It worked in the past, Chances are it is going to work again. So now as adults, Those behavior patterns, These people-pleasing responses, The fawn response. Now it may no longer be ideal or optimal. Or indeed it may no longer even be necessary. But we have to start unpicking these. Behavioural patterns, These internal responses, If we want any hope of change. Change we must. Because the problem with these people-pleasing behaviours. Is that there is a lack of self-identity and agency. If we lose ourselves in others. Forsaking ourself. Eventually we become someone then. Is almost like a not person. We're not this, We're not this, We're not this. For the other. But who are we? How can we stand on our own convictions? How can we put our foot in the sand and stand up for what we believe is right? Because to do so would be to risk danger. Be to evoke bodily fears of such that a child might have. Too much, It's too scary, It's too overwhelming, But unless we learn to start. Edging back towards an identity. Who will forever feel lost. Forever feel used, Forever feel like we're living for other people. There is a concept known as boundary setting. And a lot of people who struggle as we've been talking about. Could be considered to have porous boundaries. We let almost anyone get close to us, Good or bad, Overly trusting and overly sharing. We have difficulty saying no. We're quick to adopt others' opinions. We may know that we don't really believe it or want to, But nonetheless we project that we do. We avoid conflict by giving in to others. We do not assert our own personal values, Or indeed we may not even feel that we have them. And we communicate passively. Now what can happen with people like us is that we get very porous, Very open, We let too much in and it causes another cycle of abuse or use to happen because we've let the wrong people in. On the other side of things, There may be people that are, Or have learnt in response to this, To be quite rigid in their boundaries. Blocking everyone off, Becoming very untrusting, Saying no most of the time. It's like we've shifted. It's like, Okay, We say yes too much. This doesn't help. We've lost ourselves in other people. This doesn't help. So we block off fully, Fully rigid, Inflexible personal values, Tends to ignore others' opinions. Communicates aggressively. And these can often happen, These sort of two sides of the coin. We learn that it's like, Okay, Well, We're far too porous. What's the way that we can prevent that? Block everything off. That too has its own problems. That too is not optimal. In a normal, Healthy adult life. We move to. . . The optimal which would be healthy boundaries. Being selective of who we let in and who we block off taking time to build trust with others able to say no when needed. Valuing both our own and others opinions. And communicating assertively. Now the depth of communication styles and boundary setting goes well beyond this talk. But I highlight them a little bit here too. Offer you some further. Exploration. We've discovered that perhaps What we're doing here, This people pleasing, This inability to say no. This losing ourselves in others could be caused by. . . Parts of our past. First thing to do. When we become aware, Well, Is to become aware. Something happened. That is causing us to act the way we are acting. Let's take a moment and try and find that. You've probably heard it. But the saying that the body keeps the score. Is quite true. You may have tension. Chronic issues or injuries. Or there might be a part of your body right now that is sort of activated. Trust your intuition on this one, And. . . Feel that part of your body deeply. And let's hold for the moment that the body is keeping the score that this part of the body is holding onto the tension from the past. Maybe it's in the belly or the neck or the chest the hips, The groin, Somewhere. But there is tension and pressure. The body is holding on to these feelings And it's time to listen. And feel deeply. This is a practice I call intuitive guidance. You find where the body is holding on to something. And you feel deeply. Sensations. As well as aspects of the mental space that open up. Thoughts, Moods, Memories, Emotions. Symbolisms in the Mind you approach and accept it all. With compassionate curiosity. And calm confidence. These feelings in this part of the body. This is you. Past you. Maybe quite a young version of you. Is trying to process what happened, Trying to understand. Trying to express, Trying to explain, Trying to release one of the way through this people-pleasing problem. Is to reconnect. To re-listen. To feel deeply. To understand ourselves as we were back then. The complex relationship dynamics. In what we had to do and what we had to become. In order to survive. Once again, I encourage you to explore intuitive guidance. In other talks. If the concept of that appeals to you. Do so. Feel deeply. Accepting it all. And perhaps some insights will come. We are aware that we're holding on to something from the past. We then accept that fact. And we take action to heal. And that action in this case is to simply sit and listen. The final thing I would like to address in terms of people pleasing. In terms of the inability to say no. Is the fact that these. . . Attributes, Skills that we can look at. And a skill means that if we practice it, We can improve. There will be a lot of resources available. From practices. Known as dialectic behavioral therapy. Once again, I encourage you to explore. And look into that. Dialectic behavioural therapy teaches mindfulness, Emotional regulation. Distress tolerance. Interpersonal effectiveness. Within those skills. You will learn styles of communication. To be able to communicate assertively. We touched upon it before, But it's someone that communicates assertively. Not passive. In the sense they're not just allowing others, They're not just agreeing. They're not aggressive in the sense they're not just pushing away. But they were assertive. Are able to stand up for their own beliefs. But not so rigidly, Not blocking what other people love. So I encourage you to look into dialectic behavioral therapy. Looking to intuitive guidance work. Looking to communication styles and boundary setting. The good news is, Is that just by listening to a talk like this one, You've opened up the possibility of change. And change we must. Because if we don't we will continue to live a life upon which we are just dead. Subject to the whims of others. This general dissatisfaction, This general feeling of like, Oof. I would love to be doing something different but I don't know how. Because to stand up for myself would be scary. To find myself would be scary. And scary is putting it mildly. Confronting, Overwhelming, Too much. Dangerous. But we must, Because it's no longer satisfying. We've seen the truth, We've realized it's like okay. These behavioural responses are no longer safe. I'm no longer that child. So I will take steps to address it. There are plenty of different techniques and approaches to learn to stand up for yourself, To learn who you are. And I encourage you to explore them. Like I've said. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. And intuitive guidance, I've released a bunch of tracks to help you. Find yourself. Find those parts and reconnect The final thing I would suggest would be a. . . Active. Self-reflective process. Throughout your day. Keep a little 1% of self-awareness on and activated. Looking for times where you are over apologizing. Looking for times where you know you should have said no. Looking for times where you. Have a. . . Opinion. A value. You're forsaking, That you're not standing up for, That you're pushing aside. Hold that in mind. Little bit of self-awareness. Just start seeing the aspects of yourself. Because the first thing you need to do beyond everything else start finding who and what you are. There are lists of values that you could look up online, A hundred values. For example. And you circle the ones that feel closest to you. Or the ones that you would like to be or evoke. Then of the ones you circle, You write them up. And then you rank them in order, Then you find your top five. You go through a process of externalized self-discovery for lack of a better expression. In your actions when you do things, You'll notice that some things feel resonant. And other things feel a bit icky. Move towards the resonance. And at the very least, You may know what you don't want to be. You may not know where you're going, But you may know that you don't want to be something. If you know that you don't want to be something, Move. Away from the thing you don't want to be and you'll realize there is a distant mountain in the distance. Something or someone or some place that you want to become. You don't have to figure out the summit yet. But you know it's in that direction. So start heading there. The great news on all of this is that it is possible too. Gradually. Slowly recover. And as I recover. With full intention behind that word. Chances are something happened. A bunch of things happened. The people around us were not safe. So he learnt to respond. We learn to respond, In our case, Through a form response, Through people pleasing, Through keeping them in mind, Forsaking ourself. Now that we are aware, We accept that fact. We don't have to like it, But we need to accept it. And now we can take action. Action in the form of introspective self-reflection throughout the day, Tracking when we should be saying no, When we're people-pleasing, When we're not standing up for ourselves, When we Drop our values. Action in the form of looking into perhaps a dialectic behavioral therapy. Or an intuitive guidance program. Action in considering our communication styles and our boundary settings. Actions by just asking the question. Who am I in this moment and what do I want? Action. Process or practice of reminding ourselves that yes, Things happened. But right now. I am here now. And this moment is safe. I am here now and this moment is safe. Taking steps to find out who we are. I wish you luck. And I'll see you in the next session.